Hey! Time To Change Yourself

  Seriously, if one more person asks me what my New Year's resolutions are, I swear I'm going to scream. And not just regular old scream, I'm going to hit octaves that will make Mariah Carey go, "Damn!".

  Of course, I made a few resolutions. Everyone makes them just not everyone talks about them. I try not to ask people what their resolutions are. To me, asking someone what their resolutions are is you basically telling that person there is something flawed about them and you are kind of just checking in to make sure they have a plan for correcting that flaw.

  Sure I know I could use a little work here and there, who can't. Even that guy at my gym who looks like God himself painted on his abs could use a breath strip or two. Yeah, women may go crazy over your body, but what good is that if they are passing out when they get within a few inches of your face.

  And when you think about it, resolutions aren't even all that interesting. I feel as if people are expecting me to say something super profound when they inquire about my resolutions, but they aren't. Take a second to recall all the resolutions you have heard. It's always things like 'trying to be a better person' or 'going to the gym more' or 'working less'.

  By the way, the aforementioned revolutions are like the top three on my list. A few others on my list are to eat better, to stop photo-bombing at weddings and to try and read more. Really basic boring stuff. I hope by sharing a few of my resolutions people will no longer feel the need to constantly ask me what they are.

  I'm sure people are probably saying to themselves, "Is that it". The answer is, of course that's not it. That is, however, all I feel like sharing with you for now.  If there is stuff you think I missed, please feel free to email me jkoukas1@gmail.com about it. I'll compile all of your suggestions into a list and post it on Wednesday. Also, if feel like just saying something nice I'll post that too. Heck, if you have a few predictions for the upcoming year, I will post those too. Essentially, anything you send me, I will post.

  Happy New Year everybody.



 
 

 

Selfies Make Way For The Handsies

  So, today I realized that...oops, one second, mirror. (Quickly pulls out camera, takes awesome selfie and posts picture to Instagram). Now, where was I? Oh yes. Today I realized everything has an expiration date. Milk, eggs, selfies. It doesn't matter. At some point, everything gets old and stale. Luckily, not everything needs to be thrown away, sometimes all it takes is a well thought out reboot.
And boy, have I come up with one heck of an idea.

  Selfies. Webster's Dictionary describes selfies as... well, will you look at that. Webster's doesn't really seem to have any definition listed. I guess the chore of defining it falls upon me then doesn't it.
So, Would-Be Superhero defines selfie as the act of taking a picture of ones self with the purpose of posting the image on Facebook, Myspace, Twitter or Instagram. Also, selfies are normally taken with only three types of expressions: the kissy face, the whatever face and the 'I just inhaled three cups of coffee' can't stop smiling.

  For a while selfies were pretty harmless and even a little cute. No one gave them a second thought and I think that is where things started to go bad. Rarely is a selfie on the receiving end of mean comment or suffered the fate of a 'dislike' click. They have been allowed to continue on unchecked. Selfies used to be simple. Just a picture of you holding your camera taken in your bathroom mirror. Over time that changed thanks to the rapidly evolving camera technology.

  Now selfies are taken everywhere: at work, your car, a store or a park. And the amount of selfies on the social networking sites has grown 600% in the last year alone. People who used to happily click the 'like' button on a selfie are now deleting their social network accounts as a last ditch effort to save their sanity.

A handsie thumbs up

  I believe selfies will continue to multiply and multiply unless something is done to stop them. Picture it like this. Selfies are like a rampaging Hulk, and the only thing that can stop a rampaging Hulk is another rampaging Hulk. That's why I am attempting to start the handsie craze.

  The handsie is simply taking a picture of your hand doing different things. Which right off the bat makes it way more interesting than a selfie. A selfie is just a picture of your face, but the hand can be photographed doing so many things. It can write or throw a ball or 'flip the bird' or do sign language or just a simple thumbs up. I don't think people consider how expressive a hand can be.

  I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I believe with your support and help, the handsie can become a real thing.  I feel as the popularity of the handsie grows, so shall the reign of the selfie begin to diminish. Perhaps selfies do not need to completely go away, but only return to their simpler more peaceful origins.




 

 

What To Get That Special Nerd (7 Things)

  This holiday season did you discover that your significant other is a card carrying nerd? Did you not get the right present and now want to rush out and try to set things straight, but you are having trouble deciding what to get for that special nerd in your life? Do you think Star Wars and Star Trek are the same thing? Were you surprised to hear that they still make comic books, and that they were being made into movies? When that special nerd asks you to watch Doctor Who, do you think he/she is trying to pull an Abbott and Costello routine on you?

  For some reason people seem to think shopping for a nerd is difficult, when in fact, we are probably the easiest people you will ever shop for. We are rarely picky, and love simple, fun things that we can either display or play with everyday. For instance, if someone was to give me a nice suit, I definitely appreciate it and wear it a few times a year. However, if someone gave me the same type of sonic screwdriver used by Matt Smith, my poor little nerd brain would explode.

  If you have spent the last three weeks trying to decide what to get and still feel lost, don't worry. I'm here to help. Because you seem to care so much about that nerd in your life, I have decided I would comb the internet for you and find some of this years hottest gifts for nerds. I also threw a few in that I really like. Oh, and these are in no particular order of coolness or what have you. It's all good.

1.  DVD Box Sets
        Nerds are normally a fairly busy people who have a limited amount of free time. And the majority of that free time is spent in front of a television set either with friends or by ourselves. We tend to gravitate towards television shows because then we have the choice of watching just one or two episodes before bed or gathering together with our friends and consuming an entire season in one day. Here's a few suggestions: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Doctor Who, Firefly, Primeval, Downtown Abbey, Merlin, Battlestar Galactica, etc.

2.  The Jedi Bath Robe
       One size fits all. Price: $63.00
       Is your significant other always trying to move things using their mind or pretending your dog is the emperor of an evil empire? If so, they may have dreams of someday becoming a Jedi. Help them achieve their goal by getting them some awesome Jedi apparel. Starting with this super soft and comfy Jedi Bath Robe.


3. Samurai Ninja Umbrella
      Price: $19.79
      Your nerd may not be much of a fighter, but no one else needs to know that. At the first sign of trouble all he/she has to do is show of the handle of this umbrella which is designed to look  like the handle of a samurai sword. No one messes with ninja. It's just common sense.

4.  Math Clock
       Price: $23.00

       Have you ever wondered which one of your friends you should ask when you have a math question? This clock will help you figure it out. Only the highest level of mathletes will be able to figure out these equations. And not only does this clock look cool, but it will make people think you are way smarter than you really are.


5. Sonic Screwdriver
      Price: $25.00 - $34.00

     Does your nerd love to fix things? Computers, doors, tables...anything. Then give them the ultimate all purpose tool, the Sonic Screwdriver. Okay, so this replica really only lights up and makes sounds. It's still pretty cool. Which makes it a must have for any Doctor Who fan. My favorite is the Matt Smith version.

6.  Nyan Cat T-Shirt
       Price: $20.00

      Nyan cat is a hugely popular Internet meme and it is one of those things that all nerds really love because knowing about it defines you as a true Internet nerd. Everyone may not get it, but they will definitely ask you about it. And who doesn't want a little extra attention.



7.  Bane Mask
     Price: $200.00

        No gift exchange can be complete without a little something Batman. Although, not everyone is going to end up buying a present with the Batman logo on it.  I suggest getting something a little more bad ass, such as Bane's Mask. Imagine Christmas dinner with the family while wearing Bane's mask. Won't no one refuse to pass you the mashed potatoes then, yo.

Liar. Liar. World Not On Fire

  What the... Why am I waking up? I shouldn't be waking up. Um... I kind of thought the world was supposed to end. This isn't right. Maybe the world did end, but somehow I am the only one who survived.  Something is not right here. I need to go check some stuff out, I'll be back in a little bit.

Okay, so it appears the world really did not end. Not to say it won't succumb to some apocalyptic event later in the day, but for now everything is hunky dory. Which is good. I mean, it's not like I did anything crazy last night. Um..FYI, if you happen to read any articles in the newspaper about someone streaking up and down the streets scream-singing Jingle Bells or someone rearranging Christmas lights to spell out dirty words, I just want to say let's not judge that person. Maybe he or she thought the world was ending and went a little bit crazy. Maybe that same person didn't even pay their rent, but instead bought their own body weight in holiday themed Peeps. Who are we to judge.

  I, for one, never really put much into these doomsday prophecies. After all, there's a new end of the world scare at least once a month. Even this one, the supposedly honest to goodness prophecy that everyone has been talking about for over a year, I didn't believe. Although, after the huge blizzard that hit us yesterday, I kind of thought...well, maybe there is some truth to the whole thing. Well, apparently not.

  With only half the day left I was starting to get worried. Hope all I want, I don't think this apocalypse is coming. Stupid unreliable thing. I figured I might as well just write my rent check out and take it in, but before I could finish the first letter in the name of the rental company I remembered something. About two weeks ago, a person of Mayan decent moved in below me.

  I quickly ran downstairs and began pounding on his door. We have maybe said hi to each other twice in the hall, but that's about it. When he finally opened his door, I said hello and laid out maybe question of when the world was going to end. He seemed a little offended that I was asking him this, but after a little light pushing, he shared his secret ancient knowledge.

  "Don't blame us," Ted said. "We didn't say the world was going to end. We just got sick of making calenders. You do realize we made a calender that extended almost 5,000 years into our own future. You try making a calender that far out. Eventually no one wanted the job anymore so we just quit. We figured we would just make some more after the 5,000 years was up."

  With that and a brief but stern request that I "stomping around", I went back to my apartment to finish writing out that rent check. I guess it's a good thing the world isn't ending, but I will say this. Next time someone comes around with some doomsday prophecy, I am out. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, the freaking world better end.

Routines Are Anything But Routine

  Have you ever said, 'good morning' to someone only to have them growl and stare back at you with two beady black orbs  that are just a swirling matrix of rage and pure hate.

  If this happened to you, don't worry. It's not your fault. It just means one of two things happened to that person. Either they truly are not a 'morning peron' and didn't get that all important cup of coffee, or the other possibility is that someone/thing interrupted or threw off their morning routine.

  I know it seems strange, but according to Psychology America, a person who's morning routine  has been interrupted can experience feelings far beyond that of the most extreme case of road rage.

  In fact, I believe it was the great Greek philosopher, Socrates, who truly captured how it feels. He said, "having your morning routine disturbed is like being tripped by your best friend, having him steal your ice cream cone and then kick you in the stomach"... Then again, it might have been Aristotle.

  Whoever it was, I completely agree. Although, it could be that the reason I so adamantly agree with it is because I also have a very structured morning routine.

  My morning routine goes something like this.
    1)  Wake up
    2)  Lay in bed reading texts and emails (max 10 minutes)
    3)  Make my bladder happy
    4)  Put in my contacts
    5)  Shave
    6)  Shower
    7)  Take care of my lizard
    8)  Pack up my backpack
    9)  Leave

  Every now and then there is one or two extra things that pop up, but 1 - 9 are pretty much my Monday through Friday routine. I have a routine only because I am a super forgetful person, and by following a routine, I can be about 90 percent sure I didn't forget my house keys on the kitchen table.

  When it comes to my routine, I don't like surprises. Especially, in the morning. I feel that if one thing in the morning gets thrown off, I'll be playing catch up for the rest of the day. And there is no better example of this than the situation I recently found myself in.

  It was Monday morning and I was already walking that line between being behind and having a minute to spare. Like the wind, I flew down the steps leading to the parking garage. That is until while rounding the corner to the last flight of steps, I nearly plowed over some guy hanging out on the top step.

  My initial thought upon bumping into him and knocking him back a few steps was, "Oh crap, is this guy a cop". It seems that even though I barely recognized there was a person in front of me, I some how managed to notice that he was wearing a uniform of some type. Which made me want to get away from him even faster, but alas, that was not to be. Instead, he just began asking me a ba-jillion questions about the people in the apartment complex. Yeah, there was nothing creepy or strange about that.

  Ten minutes. Ten minutes that little encounter took, and that was more than enough time to throw off my entire morning routine. The worse part was after all that time and questions, I had no clue to why he was hanging out in the stairwells of my apartment. Heck, I wasn't even sure who he was. All I could make out from his uniform was that it belonged to some security company.

  Given that my whole day was off, I didn't really give much thought to the who and why of the security guard mystery. I was okay with just referring to him as "the dick who messed up my day" to my friends.

  Sadly, that was not to be our only encounter. Over the next three days, we bumped into each other a total of five times. It didn't matter what route I took from my apartment down to the parking garage. Somehow he always found me. I asked other people in the building if they knew who the security guard guy was or what he was doing wandering the halls of our building, but no one knew who I was talking about. Great. By the end of the fourth day, I was pretty much convinced the security guard guy was really some supernatural creature hell bent on haunting me like in the movie, The Grudge.

  I felt I was out of options until my girlfriend recommended I just email the rental company in charge of the building and ask them if they knew what was going on. So, I did. I explained to them, that for the last five days, I had been stopped by some security guard guy and asked a bunch of random questions. I also informed them that every time this happened I had been late for work, and that couldn't keep happening. I ended my email with two simple questions. I asked, "What is he doing just hanging out in the stairwells" and "How long would he be here".

  The next day I awoke to an email from my rental company simply saying that they had hired him to be in the building for a few days. There was no explanation as to why he was there or what he was looking for or how long he would be there. Whatever. I was ready for the guy today.

  See, I set my alarm ten minutes earlier than normal. I was ready for him.  The security guard guy's questioning of me normally lasted from 7 to 10 minutes. As long as he didn't go over ten minutes, my routine wouldn't have to suffer.

  In a shocking turn of events, I was able to go from my apartment to the parking garage without being stopped once. It was so shocking, in fact, that I ended up exploring each and every stairwell in my building looking for the guy. Nothing. No sign of him. He had disappeared just as mysteriously as he had arrived. Which is fine, because I was to the point that if he manage to throw off my routine again, I might have lost it.

  With my routine back to normal, I realized not only was I becoming much nicer and happier, but also more willing to just help people out in general. I'm sure there is some lesson about how as a society we are to busy and don't take time enough to slow down and enjoy things, but if was looking to learn something I would watch an ABC After School Special.

 All I cared about was that the alleged security guard guy was gone. For now that was enough. I worry about slowing down and smelling the proverbial rose... OH FRAK! I'M LATE...

Snapple Facts

  The highlight of  most of my days is getting my Real Facts text from Snapple. Sometimes they are just okay, but lately they have been pretty good. So, I thought I would share a few of them with you guys. I will admit that there are a few I called "shenanigans" on. Tell me what you think.

# 880 The Venus flytrap can eat a whole cheeseburger.

# 881 A baby caribou can outrun its mother at 3 days old.

# 882 In 1859, 24 rabbits were released in Australia. Within 6 years, the population grew to 2 million.

# 883 Butterflies taste with their hind feet.

# 884 a strand from the web of a golden spider is as strong as a steel wire of the same size.

# 885 Vultures can fly for six hours without flapping their wings.

# 886 The bumblebee bat is the smallest mammal on Earth. It weighs less than a penny.

# 887: The "Valley of Square Trees" in Panama is the only known place in the world where trees have rectangular trunks

# 888 In some cultures' telling of Snow White, The Dwarfs are thieves.

# 889 The original Cinderella was Egyptian and wore fur slippers.

# 890 The number 1 or the word One appears on The dollar bill 16 times.

FedEx Driver Has Innocence Crushed

 

 

 

  Today I learned you should definitely be careful who you around when declaring there is no Santa Claus. I was always careful around children, because I didn't want to be the monster who destroys a child's dreams and belief in magic.

 

  What I found out today is you have to be careful what adults you say there is no Santa around as well. At work, I was talking to a co-worker as we waited for the FedEx driver to unload a pallet of floor tiling weighing about 2,800 pounds. Somehow we got on to the subject of Christmas and nieces and nephews, and I mentioned that next year my brother was thinking of telling my niece that Santa Claus isn't real.

 

  Suddenly, the FedEx driver shout out, "What do you mean 'There is no Santa Claus!'".

 

  We both thought he was joking, but after five minutes of the FedEx driver telling us we were lying and that we were both monsters, he jumped into his truck and sped away. The pallet of floor tiles on the back tipped off and shattered all over the ground. When I looked up, the driver was getting back on the street with his middle finger extended out the window at us.

 

  It took about three hours to clean up the mess, and taught me the important lesson that unless someone brings it up first, Santa Claus is real no matter what.

TMGEEZ: Justin Bieber Wardrobe Malfunction

If you do the math, every five minutes someone famous does something stupid. In scientific circles this is known as The Lohan Theorem. Here at TMGEEZ Entertainment just call that business as usual.

What's not par for the course, is when something embarrassing happens to that famous person and it's not their fault. Seriously, it hardly ever happens. Sort of like Haley's Comet. It happens once every couple years.

This time around the fates either smiled or frowned, depending how you look at it, upon the pop sensation, Justin Bieber.

According to sources, the young pop star was told by his agent that he had arranged for Justin to audition for a reboot of the classic television show, Green Acres.

Justin, who has been trying to work his way into acting, decided to go all out for the audition. Which meant not only learning every line of dialogue by heart, but showing up for the audition dressed as he imagined the character would be. It is obvious he was taking this opportunity very seriously.

However, his plans quickly fell apart, when Justin showed up for the audition and found that instead of a table full of directors and writers, he was standing in front of Stephen Harper, the Prime minister of Canada, wearing just overalls and a backwards baseball cap.

The media quickly jumped on the mistake, blaming the entire situation of Justin and going as far as to dub him the "white trash prince".

Justin tried to explain how the mix up had occurred and even told the press to verify the mistake with his agent. Strangely, Justin's agent couldn't be reached for comment. Only responding to emails with a lone question mark.

Chris Brown Inspires And Motivates

Chris Brown preparing to punch Twitter

  Well. Well. Well. Look who's gone and got himself in the headlines again. Two claps and a thumbs up to you, Chris Brown. I would say, ' your mom must be so proud", but we all know how you react to people talking abut your mom.

  Besides, unlike all those Chris Brown haters out there who were so quick to condemn and offer you up on the proverbial stake, I want to praise your 'look at me' actions.

  It is my general opinion that for far to long the role of 'Hot Mess' in the media has been almost totally dominated by women. Have you met the reigning and undisputed Queen of Crazy, Lindsay Lohan, and her Princess of Denial, Amanada Bynes?

  Sure, Charlie Sheen had a good run, but men really haven't had a good quality 'Hot Mess' since Mel Gibson. That is until you, Chris Brown. You have done more for the men's 'Hot Mess' movement than anyone could have ever hoped for.

  Let's not forget the first time you deleted your Twitter account, because Walmart wouldn't carry your cd. Then you had that whole thing with Rihanna which got you slapped with some community service and five years probation. Oh, and remember that time you broke the window at Good Morning America, because they asked you about your assaulting Rihanna. That showed them how non-violent you are. Which brings us to your current escapades that caused you to once again delete your Twitter account. Although, this time it seems like you might have had a valid reason.

  I would cancel my account too if a comedian exposed me for a ranting-illiterate-threat spewing cry baby. Would I really want people to know that someone that I told a female comedian to "Take them teeth out when u Sucking my d--- HOE". Probably not, then again, that's just me. But hey, just because you haven't reached me that doesn't mean you aren't inspiring and motivating others. A whole new generation 'Hot Messes' in-training are following your lead when it comes to Twitter.

  You forced Angus T. Jones, one of the stars of Two and a Half Men, to take a hard look at what he was learning on Twitter. He decided to that Twitter was nothing but filth and asked that people not follow him, because even he doesn't want to be on Twitter. As of yet, he has not canceled his account.

  Someone who did cancel his account though is the one and only, Justin Bieber. Apparently, Justin has been inundated with Tweets concerning his choice of attire when meeting the Prime Minister of Canada. Many people were curious as to whether Justin was aware he was meeting the Prime Minister of Canada or if he thought he was auditioning for an Green Acres reboot.

  See there, Chris Brown. Those are just two of the men you have inspired and who will surely follow in your footsteps to 'Hot Mess' greatness. Just keep it up and I guarantee that eventually you will make Mel Gibson seem like a saint compared to you. Go Team 'Hot Mess'.
  

The After Thanksgiving Ninja Workout

  You have to love Thanksgiving. It's the one holiday where employers bestow upon their employees the ever coveted four day weekend. The extra days off gives people the opportunity to finally have some time to themselves and also a chance to visit with their friends, family and loved ones. It's also a great reason to over stuff your face and belly with delicious seasonal food.

  In fact, emergency rooms across the country report that the highest number of 'Food Coma' cases occur on Thanksgiving. It is projected that there are thousands of cases of 'Food Coma' reported every Thanksgiving, but it is believed that number could actually be in the millions. Sadly, the majority of people who suffer from 'Food Coma' tend to crawl up on to their couches or into their beds and just agonize in silence. That is, if you can count groaning like a constipated bear the same as silence.

  Luckily, 'Food Coma' is easily treated and doesn't last long. To me, really only the negative part of Thanksgiving weekend occurs on Monday when I notice that my belly has developed its own gravitational field. Today I looked at my belly and thought, 'I look like I am about to give birth to a hot air balloon".

  Maybe it's just me, but I start to feel a little self conscious when I look like I'm smuggling two hams under my shirt. I'll be honest, I started to feel pretty crappy, but then I saw an ad on tv. It was for a new intense workout program that promised visible results within a week. "What's this," I said to myself out loud. And then I became worried for a second, because i was talking to myself.  the good thing is, according Wikipedia, I only have to start worrying once I start answering myself. Good to know.

  So, back to this new workout, I thought it was going to be an ad for PX90 or something like that. But it wasn't. This commercial showed me a work out I didn't even know existed. This workout work out not only promised to make my belly go away, but also to turn me into a ninja.

  The workout, appropriately called, The Ninja Workout, takes exercising out of the home and gym and into the streets. It looks pretty intense. One image was of a lady doing one handed push ups on the edge of a roof. Another showed a guy climbing a 20 feet tall chain link fence. And the last one they showed was a guy jumping from one building wall to another.

  I've always wanted to be a ninja, but i could never figure out how to go about it. So, it is pretty freaking awesome that i now have a way. It took about four seconds for me to pick up the phone and order the 20 DVD set. It only cost $300, so that's a pretty cheap price to pay for being a ninja.

  The greatest thing is, the commercial promises that in about two months, I should be a fully trained ninja death machine.

  I guess check back in two months and see if I'm breaking boards or just my arm. Hi-ya.

 

The History of Black Friday

  Wakey Wakey. It's time to take off the sweat pants and squeeze yourself into some shopping clothes, because in just a little bit, we enter into Black Friday. One of the most evil and darkest times of the year known to man.

  On this day, there is no holding open doors for other people or any of that 'good will toward your fellow man' stuff we hear about as we get closer to Christmas. Nope, Black Friday is all about doing whatever it takes to get the newest internet enabled 55" 3D flat screen tv for only $299. Even if it means camping out and trampling the 3 people in front of you to death to get it.

  FYI. I think murder is actually legal on Black Friday. It seems every year I hear about so many people dying on Black Friday. but I never hear about anyone being arrested. Just something to keep in mind when you bump that lady out of the way so you can satisfy you caffeine addiction by grabbing the last Keurig coffee maker.

  For those of you looking to thank someone for forcing your still-turkey-stuffed-butt out of bed because the best sale of the year starts at 5 am, have to look no farther than Macy's. Well, to be more accurate the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

  It seems we weren't always sleep deprived bargain hungry hate filled shopping fiends the day after Thanksgiving. It wasn't until the first Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in 1924 that the day after Thanksgiving became the unofficial start to the bustling holiday shopping season. This is because many businesses would use the parade as a marketing tool to promote upcoming huge sales which were always the next day. Which at that time, as of yet, did not have a cute nationally recognized nickname. I'm assuming they just called it, "Hell Day".

  It wasn't until sometime in the 1960's that the ominous day after Thanksgiving would be given the name, Black Friday. The name originally came from police working in Philadelphia, who would often complain about the horrible traffic and the huge unruly crowds on that day.

  The term, Black Friday, also became popular with businesses since it symbolized them moving out of the 'red' and into the 'black'. For those of you unfamiliar with bookkeeping that does not involve computers, red ink was used to symbolize a loss while black ink reflected profits.

  In recent years, peoples distaste for standing in long lines at unforgivable early hours has led to more and more shopping being done online. This has led to the birth of a new major unofficial shopping day known as, 'Cyber Monday'. However, that is a story for another time.

  Now, if you will excuse me, I have to get myself cleaned up. See, I need at new tv and Best Buy only has 5 of those new internet enabled 55" 3D flat screen tvs for only $299. I know. I'm not proud of myself, but you have to admit, that is a really good price. Now, has anyone seen my taser gun?

Sweepers Release Mega Turkeys

  Parents love to give advice. Especially moms. And to be fair, sometimes, it's really helpful and good. For instance, "Hey, don't stick your tongue in that electrical outlet." And other times you just end up frustrated while scratching your head.

  My mom's favorite bit of advice was, "Never clean up another person's mess, because you never know what you will find". I believe she developed an appreciation for this phrase when she found a pizza box with a live squirrel inside while cleaning my room. First of all, I was 15 years old when this took place. And secondly, I think she was seeing things or possibly on the crack, as well all know moms are to be from time to time. However, despite it's questionable origins, the advice is good.

  No one knows this fact to be true more than the Black Ops squad known simply as, The Sweepers. Not much is known about them, and what little is is believed to be either misinformation or simply the tales of madmen.

  Heck, I've been researching The Sweepers for years, and all I have been able to piece together is they are a squad comprised of both soldiers and scientists. They seem to get called in whenever a military facility gets decommissioned by the government. What they do at these locations is a mystery, but gun to my head, I would say they go in and remove all the top secret projects and sweep the place clean of all evidence.

This baby mutant turkey is
5 hours old

  I'm also assuming they are normally good at their jobs since they are essentially a mystery, but eventually everyone slips up. Sometimes its a little bit and you can kind of sweep it under the rug, and other times you accidentally release Mega Turkeys that reek havoc over the country.

  Yep, right now the there are, at last count, 38 Mega Turkeys attacking cities and towns all across the United States. That number will most likely increase very soon if the news networks are correct. Apparently, one of the benefits of being a 20 feet tall genetically altered mutant Royal Palm turkey is that they lay 5 to 10 eggs every day. They lady on the tv right now just said that new born mutant turkeys reach maturity in about 3 days.

  The military and the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) are being shocking quiet about their reason for creating Mega Turkeys. Their response to all questions so far has been, "no comment". I'm guessing it's hard to come up with a cover story when Mega Turkeys are involved. I'm sure whatever they come up with will have something to do with 'trying to find ways to feed and ever overpopulated world' and nothing to do with biological warfare.

  I guess the big question is, what are they going to do with the turkeys. I'm sure they will try to catch as many as they can alive, but turkeys are being bad ass courageous creatures. I doubt they will go back to their cages without a fight. And a few won't make it.

  My first thought was to obviously just use them for food, but then it occurred to me that maybe whatever changes were made to their DNA could be passed along. That's all we would need is a bunch of 20 feet tall mutant people running around. And given how things have been going in this country lately, I'm sure they would be 20 feet tall mutant zombie people.

  The news reports are asking everyone to stay inside their homes till the military and DARPA get things under control. I hate when they say that. Half the time when these strange outbreaks happen, there is nothing to worry about, and I hate sitting around. Plus, I am out of Diet Pepsi and I am really thirsty. I figured the odds of me being killed by a rampaging mutant turkey are pretty thin. That is until the guy down the street was eaten by one. Now, I think I'll just sit around and play some Xbox. Besides pizza places deliver food even in times of national disasters. Right?

 
 

 

Sports Mash Up

  I know. I know. A lot of you are wondering why I am writing about sports, something I don't really care all that much about, instead of Thanksgiving.

  Well, in a way, sports or at least football, is a pretty big part of Thanksgiving Day. Seriously, if you turn on your tv, there is only two things you will see. Parades and football games. There's not much else. Trust me, I check every year and it's always the same thing, parades and football, football and parades. Would it really hurt to throw a few episodes of ... I don't know...anything that's not football in there. Maybe some NCIS or The Big Bang Theory or anything not sports.

  The thing is, this year unlike all the years past, I might actually watch a football game. Hear me out. Over the last ten years, I have slowly been becoming bored with watching sports on tv. I still love to get together with some friends and play a little football or baseball, but watching it had become duller than watching paint dry.

  I'm not sure why or when it happened. Maybe it was because I felt like I was just watching the same thing over and over again. There weren't enough stand out moments. It's all "look, that guy just ran 4 feet and got tackled" or "oh, that guy just caught another fly ball" or "are the just going to drive in circles for 500 laps".

  It seemed as if nothing new ever happened. I think alot of people were starting to feel that way, because this weekend I saw something occur in a hockey game I had never seen before.  I'm not really sure the technical terms for what I saw, the best I can come up with is one hockey players ninja stomped another players face. I stood staring at the tv in utter disbelief. All I could think of was that one guy just went Bruce Lee on the other guys face. It was the coolest thing I had ever seen occur in sports.

  My friend kept asking me what I was staring at, and in a very monotone voice I said, "Is...that...legal?"

  I don't think my friend had any clue what I was talking about, at least, not until they showed the replay of the kick. He just laughed and said, "Oh the kicking thing. Yep, that's completely legal. I guess the owners thought people were becoming bored with the games so all the players are allowed three martial art moves per game."

  This seemed insane to me, but after spending a little time on Google, I found out he was right. And this rule didn't just apply to hockey. You could find it in football, baseball, basketball...pretty much if the sports name ends in 'ball', you are allowed to go all Hong Kong Phooey on your opponent.

  This rule and this rule alone maybe what brings me back to spending every Saturday and Sunday on my couch with a little Styrofoam cooler next to my feet and sharing the couch with five bags of chips and a few salsas.

  If I am late with next Mondays blog post it is only because I spent all Sunday watching football and emptying that cooler. I promise I'll get it out by Tuesday and that I will never let sports interfere with my work again. Oh wait, there's football on Monday too. Uh-oh.

 

TMGEEZ: Miss Piggy Arrested

  TMGEEZ Entertainment News has just learned that Miss Piggy, the beloved star of many family films and famous Muppet,  was arrested less than an hour ago for allegedly assaulting Kermit the Frog at a Olive Garden in Spokane, Washington.

 

  At this time, details of what occurred are suspect at best. The Spokane police have announced that they will not be releasing any information until they can get everything sorted out. Which could take a while considering the descriptions from eye witnesses vary to such a degree. One lady, who was just being seated, claims Miss Piggy freaked out when the waitress accidentally spilled some soup on her lap and Kermit was hit when he tried to step between the two women. Another gentleman said, "All Kermit did was ask her if she could cut the bread. The next thing I know Miss Piggy is unloading on Kermit with a series of karate chops."

 

  To many people the accusation of an alleged assault against Kermit by Miss Piggy may seem shocking, but a little research will reveal that this is not an isolated instance. Miss Piggy has appeared in front of many a judge through out the world due to her extreme temper. In fact, she has been charged and arrested 15 times on varying degrees of assault against people and fellow Muppets. Almost, all her alleged victims have been old boyfriends except for two.

 

  Miss Piggy has been arrested 15 times on assault she has never been convicted or served more than a few days in a county jail. It seems that even though assault is a very serious crime, it appears there is no law against a pig kicking the crap out of things. A technicality granted, but she gets off every time.

 

  There has been rumors that a new law passed last May could make it so Miss Piggy would see some significant jail  time if convicted and anger management counseling.

 

  We will continue to update you on this sad situation as the information is made available.

 

 

 

 



Return Of The Fraggles.

  Memories. We spent every moment of our lives making them. Some, we forget about quicker than my girlfriend can scream when she sees a spider. Others strike such an emotional cord that they stay with us to the day we die.

  The thing that surprises me is that when you talk to people about a memory, they tend to automatically assume it's a good one. No one, ever thinks you could be remembering the death of a loved one or the day you lost your job. Maybe it's because even the most jaded of us really wants life to be this happy shiny place.

  I am one of those people who fall into the 'happy shiny' category. For the vast majority of my life, I believed a bad memory will always be bad and a good one will forever remain pure. Man, it really sucks when life proves you wrong.

  If you were to ask me a few days ago what my favorite child memory was, without hesitation I would have said hanging out with my brother and watching Fraggle Rock. We would pretend to be different characters from the show and knew all the songs by heart. I think I still have that soundtrack somewhere.

  I have so many fond memories attached to that show. That is until a few weeks ago, when I discovered what the true history of Fraggle Rock is.

  The residents of Fraggle Rock did not always live underground. Thousands of years ago, humans and Fraggles lived on the surface together in peaceful harmony. Some documents even place the Fraggles in the Garden of Eden. The two species existed happily together for quite some time. That is until, the Fraggles made a unprecedented leap forward in genetic engineering.

  For all their good qualities, Fraggles did not like to work. They loved to play and dance and have adventures, but avoided work as much as possible. Never wanting to have to work again, the Fraggles turned to the one job they didn't mind doing. They began coming the DNA from different animals to create a working class. Someone who would build their buildings, roads and bridges. The humans tried to persuade the Fraggles to abandon this path, but they refused.

  It took 30 years, but the Fraggles finally succeeded. In a big ceremony, the Fraggles introduced the Doozers. The Doozer was no more the seven inches high, looked as if it was made of green Play-Doh and had a built in desire to build.

  The Fraggles offered to let the humans use the Doozers as well, but they refused. It didn't take long for the Doozers to go from being a part  of the Fraggles life to being just another tool for them to use. The Fraggles worked the Doozers around the clock. Sometimes having them build things just because they wanted to see what it would look like, then destroying it as soon as they were done. Other Fraggles would destroy Doozer buildings just to make them have to build it again. Most Doozers life spans equaled to only a few months due to being fed very little and forced to work 24 hours a day.

  The time came when the humans stopped negotiating with the Fraggles and started to demand the Doozers be freed. Eventually, this lead to a great war that lasted over 70 years. The battles were bloody and casualties were high on both sides. However, over time the humans would slowly gain the advantage, and on the last day of the war offered the few remaining Fraggles a choice. They could either stop their mistreatment of the Doozers or be banished underground. The Fraggles made their choice.

  On that day the Fraggles disappeared from our lives, taking the Doozers with them. Except for a few pieces of paper, all evidence the Fraggles ever existed had been erased. As the centuries past, the Fraggles became nothing more than characters of myth and legend.

  That is until, they decided the time was right to reclaim the surface world and exact their revenge on all humans. While underground the Fraggles had grown harder, uglier and cold. They no longer cared about having fun and playing. War was their lifestyle now. It is believed that all the reported sightings of trolls were really people spotting Fraggle spies sent to gather information. Uncle Traveling Matt, the most famous spy of all.

  The Doozers had changed as well. While underground the Fraggles had continued to manipulate their DNA, until the tiny, cute Doozer was no more. As a first strike, the Fraggles released the new hate filled Doozers against the world. They now stood 20 stories high and cared nothing about building, only destroying everything in their paths. Preparing for the world for the coming of the Fraggle Army.

  When banished it was believed the Fraggles numbered no more than 30. Reports from satellites and ground penetrating x-rays reveals there are now hundreds of thousands, possibly millions of Fraggles living beneath the ground all around the planet.

  As of now, it seems all the nations are still preparing for this threat on an individual level. From all the reports and footage I see on tv at night, I don't think we can stop this threat without joining forces with the other nations of the world. The Fraggles are to well organized. I think if we don't present a united front, the Fraggles will win and reclaim what was once theirs.

Voting Is Like a One Night Stand

  It's over. It's finally over. Yesterday, 118 million Americans, determined to make their voices heard, lined up at their local polling place to cast their vote for the people they think best to lead us through the next four years. I am proud to say I was one of those people.

  And like everyone else, I would periodically check the news on my phone to see who was winning. Annoyingly, every time I checked, the reports would give vague, non-committal stories like 'Obama and Romney split Florida' or that it was too close to call. Finally, around 10:30 pm, my girlfriend sent me a series of text messages declaring that Obama had won.

  Now obviously I felt the need to write something about momentous event, but I really wasn't sure what. Especially since I knew everyone and their mother was going to be blogging about it. I've already read 15 different blogs and they all did something about the different speeches or how their friends feel or how their dog reacted to the announcement that Obama won. Pretty much everything has been done.

  So instead, I'll just share a few things I observed through out the day. Maybe some else thought of or had questions about these things, but I'm probably the only one crazy enough to write about them.

  During the past few months, only like three people asked who I was going to vote for and why. Yesterday, before I even made it to lunch, I had 8 people corner me and ask me who I was voting for.  When I told them who some were happy and others not so much, but afterwards I found myself watching/studying how other people reacted when asked who they voted for. The responses they gave and the way they said it, made me realize that voting is like a one night stand.

  Most people are proud, very vocal and even brag about who they voted for. Kind of like your buddy telling the story about the woman he met at the bar last night. Other people like to keep who they voted for to themselves. Kind of like that kindergarten teacher who met your obnoxious friend at the bar last night. And finally there are a few people who after voting feel guilty and wish they had voted for some else. Kind of how every woman who goes home with your friend feels.

  Signs. I noticed a huge increase in 'Vote for' signs. Sometimes I found myself driving down streets where the road was just lined with these signs. When I see all these signs I start to feel a little sad, because now that all the elections have come to an end, what is there left for the sign makers to do. Sure, they will do a few Garage Sale signs here and there or perhaps a Happy Birthday banner, but that's about it. I hope they find something to keep them busy for the next four years.

  Maybe Obama could help them find something, because he took longer  than Maria Carey to walk on stage. I'm not sure if he was busy talking to Romney or sorting through the M&M bowl in the Green Room to make sure there were no red ones. Or maybe Obama wanted to play this time around a little cooler. The first time he won, it took him less than a minute to hit the stage and give his speech. This time, I kind of picture him sitting in the Green Room in a big leather chair eating his M&Ms (no red ones, of course) watching the crowd waving their flag and thinking, "That's right people. This country is mine."

  I also noticed that after about five minutes of nonstop flag waving  and smiling and singing, people stopped rocking side to side and just stood there with their flag leaning to the side and a blank look on their face like, "What the hell man."

  All and all it was a pretty interesting day. And the best part of all is that for the next three years I don't have to see one politically oriented commercial. There were a lot.

Is That A Sword In Your Pants...

  It has been about a year since the Conceal and Carry Law was passed, and so far no one has shot anyone else for cutting in line at the Walgreen's checkout counter. Which is surprising since all I heard about when this law was being discussed was how people would start shooting each other over the littlest things. Kind of like the Old West, but with smaller and less offensive belt buckles.

  I will reluctantly admit that at first, I was one of those people. The worried ones, not the wanna-be gunslingers. Hey, my worry was justified. I work at a factory where guys are constantly bumping into each other, puffing out their chests and asking each other, "What are you going to do about it?" Sort of like being in the kindergarten version of New Jack City. Is it really surprising that with all that testosterone going around, I was about 60% sure someone was going to shot someone else. No one ever did though, and i think I know why.

  The sign. That's right, a simple piece of paper with words reminding people to leave their guns locked up in their cars. The idea is pure genius. I'm not sure why we haven't posted other versions of this sign elsewhere. For example on an airplane we could post a no hijacking sign or a no robbing sign at a bank. How great would it be if some super pissed off guy wielding a gun who was going to storm the bank door, read the sign and said, "Oh man, I didn't know. I better go put this gun back in my truck. Geez, am I embarrassed."

  I guess over the year as crazy as it may sound, I began to find the sign to be a little reassuring. Everyday when I walk up to that door, I see the sign and I can breathe easier because I know I work in a gun free building. Everything was okay...Until today, when I noticed the sign had changed. Now not only did the sign discourage people from carrying firearms into the building but it forbid weapons of any type.

   What the crap? When did this become an issue. I thought all I had to worry about were the crazy people and their guns. Now the sign is telling me I also have to look out for things such as tasers and knives and swords. I asked all the managers and higher ups why the sign changed, but no one had a straight answer for me. The closest I could get was a higher up who said the company has had some issues lately. Great. So, now my choices are to either get shot by Billy the Kid or have my head taken by the Highlander. Neither are very reassuring.

  It kind of makes me wonder what that sign will look like from a year from now. What weapons will I have to be looking out for in another five to ten years. Maybe there will be a no laser gun symbol, or perhaps no killer robots allowed. What about no crossbows that launch mini heat seeking missiles? It could even start referring to biological dangers such as the plaque. The possibilities are endless.

  I'm not sure how I feel about this ever changing 'no weapons allowed' sign, but I do know I am going to start reworking my resume tonight. I may not use it right away, but the moment I see two guys battling with swords over a vat of liquid metal, it goes up on monster.com. True story.

What Happens On Halloween Weekend

  Hey look, it’s a Ghostbuster. Oh, and is that girl with him dressed up as a Sexy Stay Puft Marshmallow. Is that group of girls dressed up like Sexy Zombies? Huh, I didn’t know that could be done. Seriously, are those guys really dressed up as characters from True Blood? Those guys need to put their shirts back on, and someone needs to tell them drawn in abs are not the same as the real thing. Awe, I think the Little Mermaid just blew chunks all over that tree. You won’t see that in the DVD extras.

  You have to love Halloween weekend. The things you see you will most likely never see any other time of the year. Name one other day of the year you can see Pee Wee Herman making out with some woman dressed up as Sexy Captain America. I’m pretty sure you can’t, but if you can email me. I totally should be following you on Twitter.

  The story teller in me loves it. I could sit down and brain storm about blog post ideas for an entire month, and still not come up with as many ideas as I did just listening to my friends describe their weekend.

  Here's a little example of some of the things I heard. They tend to range from the not weird to the WTF! that really happened. One friend told me how she had $20 stolen from her apartment. She's pretty sure it was some guy dressed up in a gorilla costume. The thing is, no one knows who that person was. Another friend told me how he went to a party hoping to meet a woman he has had a crush on for a while. She told him she would be dressed as Gothic witch with a mask. At the party he found someone who looked like her and was wearing what he thought a Gothic witch costume and mask. The funny thing is, he spent all night hitting on this woman only to find out it wasn't the one he was hoping to meet. She ended up getting sick and couldn't go to the party. Another person who was dressed up as a vampire told me someone kept following them around and throwing holy water on them.

  I think the best thing I heard though was a friend told me she went to take the garbage out on Saturday night, and when she lifted the lid a bat flew out and attacked her face. Her face has scratches on the side and some puncture wounds where it bit her. I don't think I've ever known anyone who was attacked by a bat. I suggested maybe the bat bite would give her super powers. After which I watched as she tried to shoot webbing from her wrist. A little crazy, but by far the most interesting.

  It seems Halloween is a lot like Vegas, minus the bats and the fact that in most cases, you can still talk about the crazy stuff that happens. I know Halloween weekend is when all the adventure happens, but I am kind of hoping the actual night of Halloween yields a few stories too. If it does, I promise to share them fairly soon. And remember we aren't laughing at you, but with you. Except for the friend who told me he left his only set of house keys in his friends car who was visiting from Ohio and had already gone home. That was funny.

Mogwai, The New Mascot Of Halloween

  Last night while I was carving the likenesses of the original Mighty Morphin Power Rangers out of soap, I started wondering what is Halloween's main animal. It's mascot if you will. All the big holidays have them, don't you know.

  For instance, Christmas has it's flying reindeer. Easter has it's bunnies. Granted, some of them are a little messed up and cluck, but Cadbury takes good care of those special bunnies. The closes thing Halloween has is the black cat. Personally, I don't find anything spooky or creepy or scary about a cat. And honestly, I feel the fact that it has to be a black cat is a little racist. Why can't it be a white cat or a red cat?

  Anyway, as I began carving the Tommy, the Blue Ranger's legs, I tried to think if there were any other animals that were associated with Halloween. I came up with rats, bats, owls and a few others, but none really popped with me. Sure they make great ancillary mascots, but Halloween deserves a really kick ass one. And it only took three me three hours, a giant bowl of Macaroni & Cheese, two episodes of Just the Ten of Us and 8 bars of soap to figure out what that mascot should be. A Mogwai.

  I don't care who you are, anyone can see a Mogwai is the perfect mascot. I suppose there might be a few of you out there who don't know what a Mogwai is. Well, come out from that rock and let me share. Mogwai is the name of the creatures who look like cute balls of fur in the Gremlins movie.  If that still doesn't help, I'll include a picture somewhere on the this page.

  The Mogwai is the perfect embodiment of Halloween. Just like Halloween starts off, everything is all cute and fun. However, once it hits midnight and a ton of candy has been eaten, cute and fun turns into a pissed off reptile-like thing that just wants to run around and cause mayhem.

  There are a number of social aspects to the Mogwai as well. Guys, if you think walking through the park with a cute dog or through the mall with a baby attracts the ladies, imagine how they will flock to you when your Mogwai buddy starts singing and dancing. Mogwai are great with kids as well. Why give your child one of those Furbies that looks like it's on crack, when you can give the actual living thing. And Ladies, if you are single or your man isn't in an attentive mood, you can snuggle up to your Mogwai. I could go on forever, but I think I have made my point.

  The only problem is, after doing some research online, I haven't been able to find any petitions that would allow me to nominate the Mogwai to be the new official mascot of Halloween. In fact, there isn't really any "official" mascot for Halloween listed anywhere. That being the case, I believe that gives me the power and right to declare the Mogwai was the new official mascot of Halloween.

  What are you waiting for? Go get one. Tell the old man behind the counter that Jim sent you. Oh, and don't forget to pay attention when he goes over the rules. There's only three of them. Easy Peasy.

TMGEEZ: Paramount Announces New Friday the 13th Movie

  We at TMGEEZ Entertainment News figured it had to happen sooner or later. Just in time for Halloween, Paramount Pictures has announced plans for a new Friday the 13th sequel.

  According to Frank Mancuso Jr, who produced the original films and is slated to helm the current sequel, the movie picks up after Jason's epic battle against Freddy. Jason is back at Camp Crystal Lake and ready for an all new camp staff to terrorize.

  All those involved with the film, tentatively titled Friday the 13th: Jason Believes, swear this is not going to be your father's Friday the 13th. Mancuso promises many changes. All of which he is keeping a tight lid on. All that is except for one.

  In an attempt to build buzz over the new movie, Mancuso released the names of actors and actresses already attached to the movie. The first few names on the list you will make you say, "Cool, I can seem them in this." There are a few names you won't even come close to recognizing. Even if you IMDB them. The last night name on the list you kind of expect to be a nobody, but in fact, he is the biggest star in the movie next to Jason.



Mancuso wouldn't give us a picture from the film, so we had
cousin do it. He's still learning Photoshop. Good job, Mark.

  Fresh from his 3-D concert film, Never Say Never, Justin Bieber has signed on to play Dirk Stone, the camp counselor in charge of all water activities.

  "I know a million people just moaned at the name of Justin Bieber being part of the Friday the 13th franchise, but it makes perfect sense," Mancuso assured. "We figure all his fans will come see the movie, because for the first ten minutes, he wakes around without his shirt on. And we figure all the people who don't like him will come to see him get killed."

  It definitely seems this movie will have a little bit for everyone. Action, horror, comedy and a shirtless Justin Bieber. There is also talk that Justin will have two songs on the soundtrack.

  Friday the 13th part 12 is scheduled for a 2014 release.

 

Other Ways To Get Me To Watch the Debates

  I recently wrote a post about what it would take to keep me awake during the Presidential Debates. Basically, I combined the Presidential Debate with The Voice. The thing is, I began to realize that there are still a ton of debates left in my lifetime, and it's only a matter of time before I become bored with my current idea. So, I let my mind wander and came up with a whole list of different formats to be used in planning future debates. These ideas can be used for any debate. I just used Obama and Romney to fill in the blanks. I hope these ideas not only work for me, but also for you.

- Obama and Romney duel using Yu-Gi-Oh! cards
- Obama and Romney have a pie fight
- Obama and Romney fight with swords
- Obama and Romney dress up as giant Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots and fight.
- Obama and Romney must call each other 'slut' and 'ho' during the debate
- Obama and Romney have a Ro Sham Bo contest.
- Add Godzilla to any debate
- Obama and Romney take turns giving each other wedgies
- Obama and Romney conduct the debate as an improv show.
- Obama and Romney re-enact the poison wine scene from the Princess Bride.
- Obama and Romney take turns trying to shoot apples off each others heads with arrows.
- Obama and Romney throw lobsters at each other.
- Obama and Romney compete in wet t-shirt contest.
- Obama and Romeny have a dance off in Step Up 6: The Debates.
- Obama and Romney compete on the stripper pole.

The Origin of Sweetest Day

  Ah, another Sweetest Day come and gone. Of all the holidays, Sweetest Day is the most entertaining. And it's not because you go out to dinner or go to some romantic location or even the little gifts that are given. It's all about going to some greeting card store a few days before the holiday, and listening to all the other guys.

  "Stupid made up holiday!" or "I don't know why I have to buy her anything, it's not even a real holiday!" or the most popular "It's not even a real holiday! Hallmark made it up to sell more candy and cards." No matter when or where I go to buy my Sweetest Day card, it is guaranteed I will hear one of the aforementioned comments. Normally, I just chalk their anger or annoyance up to the fact that they are spending money on what they feel is a repeat holiday. I mean, we already have Valentine's Day. I mean, it's not like we have Halloween in October and Spooky Day in June. Although, that would be awesome.

  This time, however, the comments started me thinking. I tried to recall if I had ever heard the origin story behind Sweetest Day. For the life of me, I couldn't come up with anything. So, I asked all my friends and no one knew how it had come about either. Even the people working in the greeting card stores were under the impression it was a made up holiday. Having exhausted all my living breathing sources, I turned to the one thing I knew could answer my question. I looked to Google.

  Hello, old friend. All it takes is a few keystrokes and click here and there and ta-da. I have the origin of Sweetest Day. And all I can say to all you people out there who think Sweetest Day is not a real holiday and was just made up...well, in a way you are right.

  Here's the deal. Sweetest Day originated way back in 1922 in Cleveland, Ohio. It wasn't started by Hallmark or American Greetings or any other card company, but by a man named Herbet Birch Kingston. Kingston worked for a candy company, was a well known philanthropist and was known for giving back to those who weren't as fortunate as him. He wanted to bring some happiness to the lives of orphans, shut-ins and other people he felt had been forgotten. So, with the help of a few friends and a few movie stars, he began giving candy and small gifts to those he felt were in need.

  Over the years, Sweetest Day, originally known as The Sweetest Day of the Year, has evolved into a time for people to express romantic love and to show appreciation to friends.

  I may also surprise some people that Sweetest Day is not an officially recognized holiday throughout the world or even in all the of the United States. It's primarily observed only in the Great Lakes region and the Northeast. To this day, Ohio still is number one when it comes to Sweetest Day sales.

  So, there you go guys. The official origin story for Sweetest Day. I guess that means we have to stop complaining about that day, but we could start complaining about Labor Day. I mean, what's up with that day. Right guys.

Mitt Romney Style

  Before anyone gets all worked up, I didn't put this video up to make some kind of political statement. I just thought the video was funny, and I like what they do over at collegehumor.com. Definitely, check it out. There is also another video I liked but i will share that later in the week. Until then, I hope you laugh as much as I did.

Dinocroc Returns to Madison

  Fair warning people, avoid downtown if you can. Traffic around the lake is backed up for miles due to 'gawkers'. Oh, and probably the giant prehistoric crocodile headed for downtown.

  It has only been a few a months since all the construction was completed, fixing all the damage caused by Godzilla when she decided to take a stroll downtown. Everything was such a mess. It was so difficult to get around that I just avoided everything downtown all together. Which was super hard, because that is where my favorite hot dog stand is. Now, it looks as if things are going to get messy again. Whoopee. Guess I will have to find a new hot dog place.

  I'm not sure how far away Dinocroc is, but as soon as I get some new information I will share it with you. Stayed tuned.

 

 

How To Get Me To Watch The Presidential Debates

  Elections. Elections. Elections. That's pretty much all you hear about this time of year. Well, except for that one week when all the replacement refs were making those really bad calls. Otherwise, as I said before, it's been all about the election. And to be honest, I'm not really a fan.

  Don't misunderstand. I'm not saying the elections aren't important in helping to guide us into a more stable future. I'm just saying after a little bit, it gets hard to keep up on the issues. Election year is a lot like a school year. At the beginning you are super focused and pay attention to every detail. Which is easy since you are just going through a refresher of the basics. That's how I was at the beginning of this election season. I was on top of all the issues. It was pretty clear what all the candidates platforms were and what they wanted to achieve. Fast forward a few months, and now it's nearing the end of the school year, I am getting more and more distracted and confused with each day. At this point I am pretty much sitting in the back of the class doodling in my notebook. I no longer am sure what anyone wants to achieve or what they even care about. All I know is I need to catch up.

  Luckily, the debates were just around the corner. Yes. This will be a perfect time to catch up. I will know everything I need to know by the end of the first debate. Kind of like a cram session. I will spend a few hours absorbing all the issues and in the end I will be a political genius. I will be informed. I will be falling asleep. Yep, lasted like 10 minutes into the debate then passed out. Come to think of it, I did the same thing in school during lectures.

  There are only two more debates left, and I feel if I don't watch the whole thing, I will end up being completely lost and not being able to make a well informed decision. Because of this concern, I have written the people who are responsible for selecting the format of the debate, and made my own suggestion.

  I thought the Presidential Debate might be a tad more interesting if you combined it with the NBC hit show, The Voice. I know it sounds a little bit weird, but let me quickly walk you through how I picture it in my mind. I'm sure once I'm finished describing it, you will come around to my way of thinking.

  The debate starts with Obama and Romney walking down a long entrance ramp accompanied by music and fireworks. At the end of the entrance ramp is a boxing ring with two podiums at the center. These are official debate podiums with a slight twist. There are three buttons at the front. One is a green button which will allow you to deliver a one time low level shock to the other person. The blue button shuts your opponents microphone off for three minutes. This also can be used just one time. The final button is red and when pressed, causes guns mounted in the ceiling to shoot fireballs at your opponent.

  Once, Obama and Romney are behind their podiums the moderator, Carson Daly, welcomes everyone. The debate begins with a good old fashion, "Yo Mama" insult contest with Carson declaring a winner at the end. Next, the debate begins. Although, I think it would be more interesting if in front of the ring there were four chairs facing the opposite direction. In those chairs are the judges, you guessed it, Adam Levine, Blake Sheldon, Cee Lo Green and Christina Aguilera. They continue to face away from the stage till they hear a candidate discuss an issue they are with. That judge then turns around and says," I agree with you. I want you one my team." The winner of the debate round isn't who people think did the best job, but the one who gets the most judges on his side.

  The final part of the debate would involve Obama and Romney each taking a turn singing a song. America would then have a chance to call in and vote.

  At the end of the evening the person who wins the most rounds is considered the overall winner, and is given a certificate to Red Robin.

  As you can see, my idea remains true to the idea that a debate is a perfect chance for each side to present their views and for the other person to call B.S. I just added in a little 'flash' is all to help make things a little more interesting. Tell me you wouldn't watch.