A Message From My Mom

  When I finally fixed my Samsung Galaxy S3,  I was in for quite a surprise.  It seems in the week I was waiting for Sprint to send me my new phone a change had occurred.

  I'm guessing in an attempt to make things easier for their  customers, Sprint started converting voicemails to text messages. An idea I am behind 100%. Anything that saves me the time of having to listen to dozens of boring text messages every day I would consider a blessing from God... If it worked that is.

  The voicemail to text translation is normally only about 10% accurate.  Which means I still have to listen to my voicemail messages. On the brighter side,  the translations are like really messed up word puzzles.  So, they help keep my mind sharp.

  Here's an example of how accurate the voicemail to text message system is. Below is a message I received from my mom this morning. First, I'll give you the phone translation of the voice message followed by what my mom really said.

Voicemail Translation:

Hi wendy and ellen snow point and ... she's.

Mom's Actual Message:

Hi Jimmy. Are you still in bed? Talk to you later.

  It pretty much got only the 'hi' part right.

  I'm so glad Sprint has started offering this amazing service. At first I was surprised they were just giving it away.  Now I see why. Thanks Sprint. Woohoo.

The Sandsquatch

  Good super early morning to friendly readers. I'm sorry this is going to be so short, but I'm racing to catch a flight to Florida. 

  A fan of this blog contacted me earlier tonight and told me he spotted the illusive Sandsquatch on a beach in Fort Lauderdale.

  For those unfamiliar with the Sandsquatch, he is a relative of the Sasquatch who prefers wooded-beach areas.

  I'll try to give updates when I can. 

Happy Fourth

Spider-Man Memes

Some Spider-Man memes to hold you over till the new movie comes out.

Happy Easter 2014

Jesus Meet The Doctor

  Finally,  an explanation about the resurrection of Jesus that I can get behind.

Real Peep Facts

Saying Good Bye

  Tell me... What are you supposed to do when your truck is in the shop being worked on and there is no possible way to make it to your job?

  I'm not sure what you would do, but me personally, I decided to take advantage of the warm weather and recapture a little of my youth by flying a kite with my girlfriend.

  And not just any kite mind you.  This kite was a kite among kites. Zeus, himself, wished his kite was as spectacular as mine.  With a wing span of 52 inches, string already included and the image of Spider-Man emblazoned on the front,  my kite is what other kites dared to be. In fact,  I wouldn't be surprised if all the peace and goodwill the world has been experiencing lately came about thanks to my kite.

  Now, while I chose a kite that symbolized justice and hope, my girlfriend chose to express her wild, predatory side by getting a shark kite. With teeth more than two inches long and a tail that seemed to go on forever, this was not your mama's cute little pink kite. This kite cried action and action is what it got,  because no less than an hour after buying these kites had they taken to the air... sort of.

  I'm pretty sure the first 15 minutes of our kite flying adventure revolved around trying to just get the kites into the air. They would rise majestically and hover there... for about a minute before they would come crashing back down to the earth.

  The kites also seemed drawn to one another and whether it was a good versus evil type thing or they were just star crossed lovers, I would say that they smashed into each other or the strings got tangled together at least 25 times. I won't even say how many times we had to tie the strings back together.

  Sadly, it was starting to look like kite flying was a young man's game. I was just about to call it quits and give in when suddenly this mystical wind from the gods came and grabbed hold of my kite and carried it up into the heavens. 

  No bird ever looked as majestic as my kite did at that moment. This is definitely what separates man from animal... the ability to fly kites. Seriously, have you ever seen a squirrel flying a Superman kite in the park?

  And as if flying in the heavens wasn't quite enough,  my kite began to show off. At first doing single loops which soon turned into double and triple loops. Occasionally it would do a short dive then pull out of it, but like all great performers craving the lime light, my kite started taking risks.  The loops became bigger and the dives became more daring until finally it happened. Spider-Man dove nose first toward the ground, I tried to pull back on his string but ever the showman, he refused to listen.

  I was barely able to mutter 'no' when Spider-Man vanished behind a row of town houses. Seconds turned to minutes, but there was no sign of my kite. Fearing the worst I began rapidly pulling in the string. The line was slack and held no tension which could mean only one thing.  My kite had broken free and was now at the mercy of whatever nature decided to throw at it.

  Not willing to admit or accept our loss, my girlfriend and I set out in search of Spider-Man.  It was getting dark fast and we knew we had mere minutes to find him.
  We searched for several blocks and even walked the perimeter of a large field.  Nothing. There was no sign of Spider-Man anywhere. 

  Had the wind picked up again and carried him back to the heavens to help fight for justice or worse, it became trapped in a.vicious kite eating tree that ravaged and shredded him mtill there was nothing left but scraps.

  I choose to believe he is still out there... Floating amongst the stars and seeking out those who need help and protection. That's what brave kites do and he was one of the bravest I had ever seen.

Good bye my friend. May you soar forever amongst the birds and the gods.

 
 
 

Real Peep Facts

No Spatula? No Problem.

  I'll be the first to admit that grocery shopping when I get off work at 11 pm is not the greatest of ideas. Mostly because I normally haven't eaten since around 1 or 2 pm. So, by the time I get off work I'm starving... and more than a little tired.

  It is also possible that when I'm hungry and tired that my judgement gets just a little distorted. Which means not only do I walk out of the store with more food than I need (the majority of that extra food being bags and bags of cookies), but also weird kitcheny gadgets. You know,  the kind of things you expect to see on those info-mercials at three in the morning. I'm a sucker for those things.

  You have no idea how many times I've almost walked out with a hot dog slicer in the shape of a weiner dog or a pan that makes perfect brownies or a plate that sings Weird Al's Eat It.

  However, the only item to ever make it all the way with me to the check out line was a tempting little product called, Toastabags.

  This product is a nifty alternative to the traditional method of making grilled cheese. You make your sandwich how you normally would,  minus buttering the sides of the bread. Next simply put the sandwich into a Toastabag and drop it into one of the slots on your toaster. Perfect for the person who may not own a frying pan or spatula or is just a tad bit on the lazy side.

  The only reason there are no Toastabags in my kitchen is the price... Which was somewhere around $16.00 for only five bags. As lazy as I am,  I just couldn't justify spending that much for five plastic bags.

  My only other concern was that given how clumsy I am and my luck,  I would most likely succeed in melting the plastic bag and catching the kitchen on fire.

  However,  should anyone feel like getting me an early birthday present... Toastabags can be found at Hy-Vee. Hint hint.

6 Things I Thought About While Driving Home

  1.  Do you think Bigfoot manscapes before going on a date? And if so, how does he know when to stop?

  2.  If McDonald's makes a special shake flavor for St. Patrick's Day why not one for Easter. Peeps shake?  Egg shake?  Chicken shake?

   3.  If there were less street lights on the road,  do you think more people would pick their noses?

  4.  If I could clone myself would I like and get along with me or would I think I was a total douche.

  5.  Why can't wars be decided using rock,  paper,  scissors,  lizard, Spock.

  6.  People say seeing a Robin is the first sign of Spring, but I say its seeing that first stretch of road construction

Surprisingly Not A Guy

  Today I realized something about my gender and life that made me want to bury my head in the sand and sigh.

  Apparently it doesn't matter how much money you make or what your position on the corporate ladder is or even if you are a noble peace prize winner... inside every grown man is a little giggling eight year old boy.

  This means no matter how proper and classy you think a man is, he will still smirk and chuckle in appreciation of the lowest form of toliet humor.

  Which is why I was amazed to learn the 'no farting' picture was not made by any of the males I work with, but instead by one of the few very patient females who work here.

  It seems the Vice President of the company had... how to put this politely... he had consumed something that was not agreeing with him and his poor administrative assistant was being forced to suffer.

  So,  when he left the office she quickly made up a new rule and a sign to go with it.

  I'm not sure how helpful her sign was, but I do know it made a lot of people laugh and is still hanging on the door to the Vice President's office. The best part of that is on Monday some of the companies we make parts for are coming in for a tour.  How I wouldn't love to see their faces when they walk by that sign.

6 Things I Thought About On My Lunch Break

   1.  Do you think leprechauns make wishes when the clock displays 11:11 or on falling stars?

   2.  Why do guys always have to put the toliet seat down?  Why can't women lift it up for us.

   3.  I find it strange that people who are against gay marriage love The Muppets. They don't want a man to marry another man but they have no problem with a frog marrying a pig. So... no to same sex marriage but yes to interspecies puppet love.

   4.  Do you think when birds look for houses they will say no to places that have too much bird poop in them?

   5.  If you accidentally walk into someone's butt are you supposed to apologize or compliment them?

   6.  You know how pregnant women get sick of people touching their bellies?  Do you think the Pillsbury Doughboy gets tired of people poking his?

Happy St. Patrick's Day

6 Things I Thought About On My Lunch Break

1.  Can you still get that Mama Mía song by ABBA on iTunes?

2.  I wonder if I know anyone who already has that song so I don't have to buy it?

3.  I wonder if its possible to make  Peeps from scratch. (FYI - it is.)

4.  Will toasters ever become self aware?

5.  Why didn't famous board  game company,  Milton Bradley ever develop a game based on the Saw movies. It would be like the kid's game, Mousetrap, but more messy.

6.  Do gophers know their naked?

Psych Meets Plato

Strange Kitchen Tools

  So, I'm not really a 100% how I started down this rabbit hole.  I think I was originally looking for a sifter, but then I came across these people shaped cooking utensils. A few clicks later and I had downloaded roughly 15 pictures of the strangest cooking items I have ever seen.
 
  Here are the five strangest ones.

This little tool is designed to make it easy to grab salad using only one hand. 

This case will provide the ultimate protection for your bananas. They do look a little weird though.

Don't want to spend a lot of money on tooth picks for your next party. Just give each one of your guests one of these.

 

This neat little item will remove all the pits from your cherries and do it with a smile. 

These are the people shaped utensils I was talking about. I like the fact they seem to come with belly buttons.

In Need Of A Math And Science Love Poem

  A friend of mine from Illinois sent me this poem thinking I would be able to use it. Now while I may not have a need for it, I know some of you out there might. I'm trying to figure out who wrote it so as soon as I do I will update this.

  The best way to describe this poem is you wound think it was written by Sheldon Cooper to Amy Farafaller.

A Math and Science Love Poem

  Like two foci of an elliptical
  Your eyes entice me
  Cause my cardiac muscles to palpitate
  And like litmus paper
  My cheeks turn red in the presence of acid.

  As I estimate the distance between us
  I've arrived at the conclusion that
  You're sitting approximately
  5 feet and 13 centimeters away from me
  7 and one half millimeters closer than yesterday.

  As you sit there I calculate your potential energy
  I find myself wishing that kind could change
  y=mx+b into y=unext2me

  You are my complimentary angle and I long to whisper
   That Newton's Law was created just for you and me
  I feel the gravitational force at work in my skeletal system
  As my feelings for you grow exponentially.

  Like radiation, you penetrate my skin
  You watched my veins branch like fractals
  While I returned the pencil you dropped.

  You listened to my logarithm my heart produced
  At a near inaudible frequency.

  Like absolute zero,  all molecules within me halted
  In that moment,  Your force sent me spinning
  Making 50 thousand revolutions per minute
  Though you never thanked me.

  I do understand it's according to configuration
  Seeing as the possibility of you noticing me is exactly 0.41 in 10.731.

  But I still keep hoping that negative plus negative will eventually result positive
  For mutual forces of action and reaction
  Between two bodies are equal,opposite and co-liner.

  You are the Pascal in my triangle,
  The carbon dioxide in photosynthesis.

  Someday, you will co- sign your name like  mine. ..

  But for today you can count the fact
  That you will always be like matter,
   Occupying a space in my heart.

Garden Expo Back On

  This is just going to be a quick one.

  For all my fellow green thumbers out there anxiously awaiting news about the Garden Expo situation, I have an update.

  My inside source tells me the problems they were having have all been resolved and the expo will open Saturday as scheduled.

  The police now know what happened to the people who have gone missing over the last few days.

  It seems one vendor had an Audrey II, a man eating plant that grows to be about 7 feet tall, among the plants he was hoping to sell tomorrow.

  Police have seized the plant and have taken it to a yet to be disclosed location. So, there is nothing to worry about.

  Enjoy the Expo.

Careful What You Say

  Only my day would start with a call from the human resources department at my work asking me to come in early so we could have a "necessary" meeting.

  When I asked them what was up, they just said it was important they talk to me as soon as possible.

  I agreed to meet with them, but you call me this early you get me as is. FYI - when going in for an important surprise meeting with your human resources department it might be a good idea to change out of your Spider-Man pajama pants. Lesson learned.

  My meeting was with the head of human resources, the plant manager and their lawyer. They didn't waste any time on pleasantries. Instead,  they got right to the point.  Which was, "you have to be very careful what you say to the temporary employees. "

  Since I wasn't sure exactly what they were referring to I had to ask them to go into more detail.  To which they responded by laying several photos out in front of me.

  Oops. That's what they were mad about.

  So... last night at towards the end of my shift, I heard some of the temporary employees complaining about their hours and how much money they were making.

  It was a pretty slow night and I was bored out of my mind. I'm guessing that might account for what came out of my mouth next.

  I said,  "To bad you guys didn't work here like 100 years ago.  Apparently,  the founders of this company were totally paranoid and didn't trust the banks with all the money they were making. So,  what they did was bury half their fortunes in a steel vault  under the cement floor in the Harley Davidson room. I tell you guys... if they ever tear up that floor, someone is going to be set for life."

  It is also possible I might have given them a hand drawn map and made a few 'Xs' to represent spots where the fortune is rumored to be buried.  I felt it added a little something extra to the story. Who doesn't love a good visual aid after all. 

  Well, according to human resources, those employees put a little more stock in my story than I thought they would.

  The three temps waited until their shift  ended and everyone went home.  They then proceeded to break the lock to the tool room and "borrowed" a few shovels and pickaxes.

  When the security guy arrived at 4:30 am to do his walk through, he stumbled upon the three guys digging away.

  Apparently human resources thinks my story is what motivated them to do what they did. I say it's pure coincidence. There's no proof I influenced them at all. To which they responded by playing me a clip from the security cameras of the guys singing,  "We're going to be rich" and waving my hand drawn map in the air.

  Oops.

  Luckily, since telling a story isn't exactly a crime,  the most they could legally do was call me in for that meeting... and move me to a machine far away from any of the other employees.

  Good thing I brought my iPod.