Sports Mash Up

  I know. I know. A lot of you are wondering why I am writing about sports, something I don't really care all that much about, instead of Thanksgiving.

  Well, in a way, sports or at least football, is a pretty big part of Thanksgiving Day. Seriously, if you turn on your tv, there is only two things you will see. Parades and football games. There's not much else. Trust me, I check every year and it's always the same thing, parades and football, football and parades. Would it really hurt to throw a few episodes of ... I don't know...anything that's not football in there. Maybe some NCIS or The Big Bang Theory or anything not sports.

  The thing is, this year unlike all the years past, I might actually watch a football game. Hear me out. Over the last ten years, I have slowly been becoming bored with watching sports on tv. I still love to get together with some friends and play a little football or baseball, but watching it had become duller than watching paint dry.

  I'm not sure why or when it happened. Maybe it was because I felt like I was just watching the same thing over and over again. There weren't enough stand out moments. It's all "look, that guy just ran 4 feet and got tackled" or "oh, that guy just caught another fly ball" or "are the just going to drive in circles for 500 laps".

  It seemed as if nothing new ever happened. I think alot of people were starting to feel that way, because this weekend I saw something occur in a hockey game I had never seen before.  I'm not really sure the technical terms for what I saw, the best I can come up with is one hockey players ninja stomped another players face. I stood staring at the tv in utter disbelief. All I could think of was that one guy just went Bruce Lee on the other guys face. It was the coolest thing I had ever seen occur in sports.

  My friend kept asking me what I was staring at, and in a very monotone voice I said, "Is...that...legal?"

  I don't think my friend had any clue what I was talking about, at least, not until they showed the replay of the kick. He just laughed and said, "Oh the kicking thing. Yep, that's completely legal. I guess the owners thought people were becoming bored with the games so all the players are allowed three martial art moves per game."

  This seemed insane to me, but after spending a little time on Google, I found out he was right. And this rule didn't just apply to hockey. You could find it in football, baseball, basketball...pretty much if the sports name ends in 'ball', you are allowed to go all Hong Kong Phooey on your opponent.

  This rule and this rule alone maybe what brings me back to spending every Saturday and Sunday on my couch with a little Styrofoam cooler next to my feet and sharing the couch with five bags of chips and a few salsas.

  If I am late with next Mondays blog post it is only because I spent all Sunday watching football and emptying that cooler. I promise I'll get it out by Tuesday and that I will never let sports interfere with my work again. Oh wait, there's football on Monday too. Uh-oh.

 

TMGEEZ: Miss Piggy Arrested

  TMGEEZ Entertainment News has just learned that Miss Piggy, the beloved star of many family films and famous Muppet,  was arrested less than an hour ago for allegedly assaulting Kermit the Frog at a Olive Garden in Spokane, Washington.

 

  At this time, details of what occurred are suspect at best. The Spokane police have announced that they will not be releasing any information until they can get everything sorted out. Which could take a while considering the descriptions from eye witnesses vary to such a degree. One lady, who was just being seated, claims Miss Piggy freaked out when the waitress accidentally spilled some soup on her lap and Kermit was hit when he tried to step between the two women. Another gentleman said, "All Kermit did was ask her if she could cut the bread. The next thing I know Miss Piggy is unloading on Kermit with a series of karate chops."

 

  To many people the accusation of an alleged assault against Kermit by Miss Piggy may seem shocking, but a little research will reveal that this is not an isolated instance. Miss Piggy has appeared in front of many a judge through out the world due to her extreme temper. In fact, she has been charged and arrested 15 times on varying degrees of assault against people and fellow Muppets. Almost, all her alleged victims have been old boyfriends except for two.

 

  Miss Piggy has been arrested 15 times on assault she has never been convicted or served more than a few days in a county jail. It seems that even though assault is a very serious crime, it appears there is no law against a pig kicking the crap out of things. A technicality granted, but she gets off every time.

 

  There has been rumors that a new law passed last May could make it so Miss Piggy would see some significant jail  time if convicted and anger management counseling.

 

  We will continue to update you on this sad situation as the information is made available.

 

 

 

 



Other Ways To Get Me To Watch the Debates

  I recently wrote a post about what it would take to keep me awake during the Presidential Debates. Basically, I combined the Presidential Debate with The Voice. The thing is, I began to realize that there are still a ton of debates left in my lifetime, and it's only a matter of time before I become bored with my current idea. So, I let my mind wander and came up with a whole list of different formats to be used in planning future debates. These ideas can be used for any debate. I just used Obama and Romney to fill in the blanks. I hope these ideas not only work for me, but also for you.

- Obama and Romney duel using Yu-Gi-Oh! cards
- Obama and Romney have a pie fight
- Obama and Romney fight with swords
- Obama and Romney dress up as giant Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots and fight.
- Obama and Romney must call each other 'slut' and 'ho' during the debate
- Obama and Romney have a Ro Sham Bo contest.
- Add Godzilla to any debate
- Obama and Romney take turns giving each other wedgies
- Obama and Romney conduct the debate as an improv show.
- Obama and Romney re-enact the poison wine scene from the Princess Bride.
- Obama and Romney take turns trying to shoot apples off each others heads with arrows.
- Obama and Romney throw lobsters at each other.
- Obama and Romney compete in wet t-shirt contest.
- Obama and Romeny have a dance off in Step Up 6: The Debates.
- Obama and Romney compete on the stripper pole.

Dinocroc Returns to Madison

  Fair warning people, avoid downtown if you can. Traffic around the lake is backed up for miles due to 'gawkers'. Oh, and probably the giant prehistoric crocodile headed for downtown.

  It has only been a few a months since all the construction was completed, fixing all the damage caused by Godzilla when she decided to take a stroll downtown. Everything was such a mess. It was so difficult to get around that I just avoided everything downtown all together. Which was super hard, because that is where my favorite hot dog stand is. Now, it looks as if things are going to get messy again. Whoopee. Guess I will have to find a new hot dog place.

  I'm not sure how far away Dinocroc is, but as soon as I get some new information I will share it with you. Stayed tuned.

 

 

How To Get Me To Watch The Presidential Debates

  Elections. Elections. Elections. That's pretty much all you hear about this time of year. Well, except for that one week when all the replacement refs were making those really bad calls. Otherwise, as I said before, it's been all about the election. And to be honest, I'm not really a fan.

  Don't misunderstand. I'm not saying the elections aren't important in helping to guide us into a more stable future. I'm just saying after a little bit, it gets hard to keep up on the issues. Election year is a lot like a school year. At the beginning you are super focused and pay attention to every detail. Which is easy since you are just going through a refresher of the basics. That's how I was at the beginning of this election season. I was on top of all the issues. It was pretty clear what all the candidates platforms were and what they wanted to achieve. Fast forward a few months, and now it's nearing the end of the school year, I am getting more and more distracted and confused with each day. At this point I am pretty much sitting in the back of the class doodling in my notebook. I no longer am sure what anyone wants to achieve or what they even care about. All I know is I need to catch up.

  Luckily, the debates were just around the corner. Yes. This will be a perfect time to catch up. I will know everything I need to know by the end of the first debate. Kind of like a cram session. I will spend a few hours absorbing all the issues and in the end I will be a political genius. I will be informed. I will be falling asleep. Yep, lasted like 10 minutes into the debate then passed out. Come to think of it, I did the same thing in school during lectures.

  There are only two more debates left, and I feel if I don't watch the whole thing, I will end up being completely lost and not being able to make a well informed decision. Because of this concern, I have written the people who are responsible for selecting the format of the debate, and made my own suggestion.

  I thought the Presidential Debate might be a tad more interesting if you combined it with the NBC hit show, The Voice. I know it sounds a little bit weird, but let me quickly walk you through how I picture it in my mind. I'm sure once I'm finished describing it, you will come around to my way of thinking.

  The debate starts with Obama and Romney walking down a long entrance ramp accompanied by music and fireworks. At the end of the entrance ramp is a boxing ring with two podiums at the center. These are official debate podiums with a slight twist. There are three buttons at the front. One is a green button which will allow you to deliver a one time low level shock to the other person. The blue button shuts your opponents microphone off for three minutes. This also can be used just one time. The final button is red and when pressed, causes guns mounted in the ceiling to shoot fireballs at your opponent.

  Once, Obama and Romney are behind their podiums the moderator, Carson Daly, welcomes everyone. The debate begins with a good old fashion, "Yo Mama" insult contest with Carson declaring a winner at the end. Next, the debate begins. Although, I think it would be more interesting if in front of the ring there were four chairs facing the opposite direction. In those chairs are the judges, you guessed it, Adam Levine, Blake Sheldon, Cee Lo Green and Christina Aguilera. They continue to face away from the stage till they hear a candidate discuss an issue they are with. That judge then turns around and says," I agree with you. I want you one my team." The winner of the debate round isn't who people think did the best job, but the one who gets the most judges on his side.

  The final part of the debate would involve Obama and Romney each taking a turn singing a song. America would then have a chance to call in and vote.

  At the end of the evening the person who wins the most rounds is considered the overall winner, and is given a certificate to Red Robin.

  As you can see, my idea remains true to the idea that a debate is a perfect chance for each side to present their views and for the other person to call B.S. I just added in a little 'flash' is all to help make things a little more interesting. Tell me you wouldn't watch.

 

5-Hour Energy Shots or Zombies

  Everyday I walk through this ho-hum world feeling as if there is something missing. Something that will make the world more vivid and pop with color. Something that brings everything to life and fills the day with excitement. For the longest time I pondered this, and came up with nothing. That is until one night, while eating a bowl of Frankenberry, I finally figured out what life needed. It needs zombies.

  Yep, you heard me. The world needs some good old fashion brain eating zombies. What better way to feel alive than being chased by the undead.

  Look at it this way. Everyday you wake up, drive to work, sit behind a desk for eight hours and then you go home. Do you ever wonder why 5-Hour Energy sells around nine million bottles of its energy shot a week? It's because most of lives are so insanely boring that we just can't stay awake. However, there are a rare few times when our hearts beat faster, our brains start working a mile a minute, endorphins increase and we appreciate our lives 300% more than we did before. I know a lot of people just guessed that I am speaking of love, and those people would be terribly wrong. I am actually referring to those times in your life when you almost died.

An actual study conducted by real scientists

  The time when some whacked out driver almost smashed his car into yours or when you were trying to fix something on your roof and almost fall off or when you were mugged or...you guessed it, were almost eaten by zombies.

  If you add the possibility of being eaten by a zombie to your daily routines, nothing would ever be boring again. No matter what you do during your day, there would always be a chance you could be eaten by a couple zombies. Would that not make you appreciate life so much more? Damn straight it would. Going to the grocery store goes from a risk factor of one to a chart topping ten.

  The risk factor scale only goes to ten, because we would be using the slow moving zombies. The ones who you can easily get away from as long as you don't slip and fall. Fast moving zombies were considered at one point, but it was decided that 60% of the population wouldn't be able to get away. Plus, the fast moving zombies are just so much more expensive. By using the cheaper, slower model zombie, that estimate went down to only about 3% of the population not being able to get away. For the rest of us, we would just be appreciating life on a higher level.

  Also, just think about how much fuller you would live your  life if there was the constant possibility of being eaten. Traffic jams would cease to occur, entire work meetings would be completed in under five minutes and no one would ever want to stay late alone at the office. This would make more time for you to spend with friends and family while doing things you actually care about.

  Sure there is around a 3% chance you might be eaten. However, on the the other hand, there is a 97% chance you will live life to the fullest everyday. Call me crazy, but those are odds I can deal with. How about you?

 


 

 

 

Welcome To Illinois: Home of Tolls and Road Construction

  A normal week for me is always crazy insane. Working two jobs is hard enough when everything is going smoothly, but throw in a few random stress factors and things go from ick to worse. That is why, by Friday I was ready to get out of town for a few days.

  My birthday is coming up soon, and I had made plans to go visit my family in Illinois. It has kind of become tradition with us over the last few years. I spend two days trying to relax while my niece pulls out every toy she has for us to play with. She also likes to pick out my birthday cake. However, given that she is only 4 years old, my cakes tend to always have pictures of Dora the Explorer or Yo Gabba Gabba on them. Which is fine. All I really care about is the trying to relax part, and for me that starts with the drive.

  I love driving. It gives my mind a chance to wander and create things. Normally by the end of my two and a half hour journey, I will have listened to a bunch of new songs or podcasts and came up with a few new blog post ideas. My drive out of Wisconsin went fine. It wasn't until I crossed the border into Illinois that I began to question if God might be up there going, "Okay, now let's see what he does when this happens."

  Literally the moment I crossed into Illinois, I was greeted by what seemed like a never ending field of construction cones. At the time I was like, oh well, whatever, I figured it would eventually clear up...but, it never did. I have never seen road construction go on for so long. It was like the state of Illinois has lost a game of 'Horse', and now it was picking up it's roads and going away.

  Oh wait, my apologies, there was a half hour stretch when there was no road construction. Of course, that was only because for that half hour I was blindly navigating some stupid occasionally labeled detour. Yeah, a detour is exactly what I wanted when I was already running low on fuel.

  The detour was worth it, because it took me through a lot of scenic places that I had never seen before...is what I would like to say, but I would be 100% lying. The only scenery I encountered were corn fields. Corn fields to my left. Corn fields to my right. And sometimes, it even felt like the road behind me had been swallowed up and taken over by corn fields. At this point, I was thinking things really couldn't get much worse unless my truck exploded. And as soon as I left the detour, things got worse.

  Ask yourself this. What is worse than having to go through a detour with your gas tank close to empty and no gas stations around? The answer, the detour you finally found your way out of ends right in front of a rail road track with the gates down, lights flashing and a moving train. A very, very slow moving train. How slow was it? I'm fairly certain I could have finished reading Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace by the time it passed.

  Once I cleared the rail road tracks, it was right back to the road construction. Although, apart from the occasional drunk driver flashing his brights at me for doing the speed limit, there were no more major icks. I had left my house in Madison, Wisconsin at about 12:30 am, and arrived at my destination in Illinois at a little past 4:00 am.

  The moment I pulled into my mom's driveway, I took a deep breath and then slowly let it out. Because the only thought that was going through my head was, I get to do this all again on Monday. Woohoo.

 

 

 

 

 

Never Change Another Diaper Again

  My die casting job keeps me pretty busy. The problem is everything I do is fairly repetitive. Which means while I may be running all over the place, my mind is kind of just floating in limbo. This state of mind can sometimes lead to amazingly deep and profound thoughts, and other times it leads to the invention below.

  I am totally excited to have kids some day. Everything about the idea appeals to me, except the changing of those sticky nugget filled diapers. I couldn't even pick up my own dog's mess with out gagging. Just the idea makes my stomach turn a little. So, this presents an interesting problem. How do I raise a child without ever having to change a diaper? Well, i believe the solution presented itself last night.

  This is a industrial pump used for sucking up water, oil, hydraulic fluid and the such. This is also one part of my new invention, The Diaper Purger 3000. The second half of this marvelous invention is a simple diaper with a flap in the back. How does it work you ask? A great question with a very simple explanation.

  When you have identified the offending diaper simply lift the flap on the diaper then attach The Diaper Purger 3000 hose. Flip the on button, and watch the nuggets and even liquids vanish. In seconds you are left with a dry and sparkling clean diaper. The best part is The Toilet Purger 3000 comes with a reverse switch, so you can pump out whatever you collected into an air tight barrel or spray it over your law as fertilizer or at the neighbor you have been feuding with. Oh, and did I mention it will only cost $300. In not having to buy new diapers alone it will save you roughly $20,000 a year.

  I hope to have these out in time for Christmas. Look for it at baby supply stores everywhere.

My Nerd Shame

  When I first started this blog, I have to admit that I never expected it to be as popular as it is. Nor did I expect it to provide such an incredible emotional release. Instead of letting all those little frustrations towards life and people build up inside of me, I now have a way to let all of it out. I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have this blog, I would probably end up in clock tower.

  I knew the time would come when I felt comfortable enough with you all to reveal my biggest secret, which also happens to be my biggest shame. It is already well known that I am a self-professed nerd. I love everything about my nerd culture. The comic books, the movies, the people, the sense of humor, the intellectual conversation all be it sometimes heavily skewed toward Star Wars at times and ... well, just everything. It's also a great time to be nerd. Not like in high school where I would sometimes end up face first in a toilet. FYI...janitor of Minooka High School, great job on keeping those toilets sparkling clean. They were always clean no matter what angle I was looking at them.

  Anyway, you would think in this day and age of acceptance my shame wouldn't be so shameful at all. I think the fact that the nerd culture is so accepted now is what makes my secret that much worse. But like I said, I think it is time for my secret to finally come out. I...um,uh....um...(takes a deep breath) I am unable to Spock's live long and prosper salute.

My shameful Spock Salute.

  It's true. I just have never been able to get my fingers to move right. I can get the two fingers on one side to cooperate with each other, but the other two act like a couple that just went through a horrible break up.

  Years have gone by with me practicing every night and still my shame persists. The reason I am finally coming forward and revealing my shame now is that on Monday I will be seeing a doctor about this. My hope is the that I have some kind of degenerative muscle problem in those two fingers and that's why I am unable to give a proper Spock Salute.

  I promise to keep you updated as to the status of my Spock Salute. Thank you for your support and for continuing to read this blog.

Extreme Heat Made You Do What???

  Most people normally behave in a nice and civilized manner. We say please and thank you. We hold doors open for people and offer to help whenever we can. Perfect examples of how mankind should behave to one another.
  However, add a few degrees to that and tempers start to shorten and our willingness to help one another decreases greatly. Now, add a lot of degrees and you have what I call extreme heat. Which to me is any temperature over 100 degrees. When the temperature gets this hot, all rules and about 90% of our humanity goes out the door. Everything becomes fair game.

  Now, by my calculations, we have been in extreme heat for about a month now. I have observed peoples moods and attitudes changing. It seems almost every day people slip a little farther toward their more primitive selves. Given that I have so much free time, I combined all the observations I made with the data on how extreme temperature affects people, and I came up with some interesting predictions. Here are just a couple of them.

-  Extreme heat can turn your normal, peaceful drive to work into something out of a Mad Max movie. It's like road rage on steroids.

-  Extreme heat can make you not want to touch or be touched by another living thing. I saw a lady freak out two days ago on a plant because it kept brushing up against her.

-  Extreme heat can make you crank your air conditioning so high, your home becomes a perfect habitat for penguins. Remember you just want to cool your place off a little bit. You're not trying to make it snow. I've tried and it doesn't work.

-  Extreme heat can make you not want to use your stove or oven on, so you just have bowls of  cereal for lunch and dinner. Currently, I have five different types of cereal in my apartment. Only one of them is good for me. The rest are nothing but sugar and colored marshmallows.

-  Extreme heat can make you want to walk around your house in nothing but your birthday suit. Just remember to close your curtains and blinds first.

-  Extreme heat can make you swim at places you normally wouldn't consider going to. You know, places like the public pool where people keep getting stabbed or the river with algae so thick it looks like it's covered with carpet.

-  Extreme heat can make you get drunk and attempt rain dances in your backyard with your friends. Make sure you invite all your neighbors because the one you don't invite is the one who will record and post the whole thing on the internet.

-  Extreme heat can make you accept snow cones and Gatorade from complete strangers without giving it a second thought. While they may look refreshing take an extra second to think about it. For instance, if your snow cone or Gatorade is yellow, then maybe you should just throw it away.

-  Extreme heat can make you eat your friends face off. What? It's as plausible a reason as bath salt.

  I know there are a lot of other things that can occur due to extreme heat, and the majority of them are way weirder than the things listed above. Until this weather passes I guess we just have to look out for each other, and do our best to keep our heads. Remember, if we really try we can be the best of.....Seriously, that guy just bumped into my table. Aww, hell no. (Grabs baseball bat) That's it for today my friends. I need to have a talk with that guy.

  HEY YOU.....