Transformers: Age of Extinction - A Need To Know Fact

  Too be honest, the thought of writing a review of the newest toy commercial / movie in the Transformers series, Transformers: Age of Extinction, never really crossed my mind. Sure, I figured I would end up doing a meme or two, but that was the extent of my time I planned on devoting to the movie... That is until I went to see it.

  I still don't plan on reviewing the movie, because really what is there to say. If you go to a Transformers movie you all ready know what to expect: Lots of explosions, some cheesy dialogue and Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots on a massive scale. What you may not be expecting is a movie that clocks in at 165 minutes. I know I wasn't.

  If I had known the movie was going to be that long, I definitely would not have bought the large drink. Seriously, there needs to be a sign at the concession counter stating, "The movie you are about to see is close to three hours long. If you don't have an aisle seat, you may want to consider getting a small drink."

  About two hours into the movie, the realization that my bladder was losing the battle against the Diet Coke I kept sipping on suddenly sank in. I spent the next hour trying to think of a way to casually sneak past everyone else in the row without looking like I had just been shot in the stomach. Because as all men know, when you have to go to the bathroom that bad, you don't walk like you normally do. Instead, you hunch over a little bit, move really slow and wince with every step you take.

   I figured it would take me roughly 15 minutes just to make it from my seat to the end of the row and to the aisle. So, I decided to suck it up and hold it. Not the wisest decision I had ever made.

  When the first ending credit hit the screen, I intended to launch up out of my seat and on to my feet, but that didn't happen. I actually had to have my girlfriend help me up. And as I rose, I saw men all around me struggling to do the same. This meant only one thing... the race was on.

  Like new born giraffes trying to learn to walk, men were limping and stumbling to beat one another to the ultimate prize. A spot at one of four stalls in the bathroom. As I made my way up the aisle to the doors that opened up to the lobby, I could hear my girlfriend yelling behind me, "Go! Go! Go!"

  What she didn't realize was that I was already going as fast as I could. I'm pretty sure my grandpa who used a walker to get around could have easily passed me.

  When I finally made it to the bathroom (I came in second place by the way)
all you could hear was a sigh of relief from four men that was so intense in volume and force that it could have shattered glass. And at the end, I walked out of that bathroom feeling renewed, alive and like a survivor.

  Sure, the movie finally gave us the Dinobots we have been craving to see, but all I really took from the movie was this lesson... long movie = small drink. Its a simple equation that will save you a lot of pain.
 

Help Stop Babies From Car Surfing

Alabama Church Uses Hitler and Hoover To Inspire

  I know religion has finally embraced the idea of advertising in an attempt to fill more seats on Sundays which I think is a great and creative concept. The only problem is, I really think some churches may want to consider hiring a professional.  Someone who can capture the hearts of the people without offending anyone.

  Did you hear that, Life Savers Ministries in Alabama? Its okay to ask for help. In fact, I'm begging you to do it. Or at the least, go with your gut feeling when it tells you something might not be quite right. That way, you might put a quote from Herbert Hoover up on your billboard to start with instead of one from Adolf Hitler. 

  

12 Things To Do While On Furlough

  I have a friend who was recently placed on furlough. He was a little mad at first given that he has three kids and wants to keep food in their mouths, but he eventually saw a silver lining. There was a lot of things he needed to fix or do around his house and was going to use this as a time to catch up on it all.

  Two days later, and he called me asking me if I wanted to do something. When I asked what happened to all the chores he had, he told me they were all done. Now, he was just sitting around bored and not sure how to keep busy.

  I thought about this and felt a little sad for my friend. So, I sat down one night and came up with some things that anyone on furlough can do to help keep them busy and feeling productive.

  1.  Find four teenage mutant hamsters and start a dupstep group.

  2.  Call every government office you can and when asked to leave a message, inquire as to 'What does the fox say?'. Perhaps give them an example of how you think a fox may sound.

  3.  Develop an internet search engine and call it, "Bitch, Please!"

  4.  Do you hate your boss or someone else in your office? Now is the perfect time to find a fellow hater and learn to speak a foreign language. That way you can openly mock and no one will now what you are saying.

  5.  Learn magic, then go up to strangers and pull rabbits out from behind their ears.

  6.  Go to the adult room in the video store and take out all the porn dvds, and replace them all with copies of the classic Disney movie, Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

  7.  Begin writing crossover fan fiction that combines Breaking Bad with The Facts of Life. Ms. Garrett finds out the girls have been selling blue meth.

  8.  Drive around and find Amish riding in a horse and buggy, and challenge them to a drag race.

  9.  Put on a red wig, pancake make up and big red shoes. Next walk into any McDonald's and demand to speak to Ronald McDonald. Make a fuss when they say he's not there. Do this until they get ready to kick you out then yell, "I won't leave until my dead beat father comes out here and talks to me." You'll either get kicked out or get free food for life in hopes of silencing you.

10.  Get to work on a bill that will require all male politicians to wear BeDazzled speedos at all times while in office.

11.  Watch every episode ever made of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and the explain to me why I should care what they are up to.

12.  Take up ninja bear wrestling. It has a year long season and who doesn't like watching a bear leap into the air and spin kick a man across the face. Bruce Grizzly vs Ted.

Breaking Bad Woes

Liar. Liar. World Not On Fire

  What the... Why am I waking up? I shouldn't be waking up. Um... I kind of thought the world was supposed to end. This isn't right. Maybe the world did end, but somehow I am the only one who survived.  Something is not right here. I need to go check some stuff out, I'll be back in a little bit.

Okay, so it appears the world really did not end. Not to say it won't succumb to some apocalyptic event later in the day, but for now everything is hunky dory. Which is good. I mean, it's not like I did anything crazy last night. Um..FYI, if you happen to read any articles in the newspaper about someone streaking up and down the streets scream-singing Jingle Bells or someone rearranging Christmas lights to spell out dirty words, I just want to say let's not judge that person. Maybe he or she thought the world was ending and went a little bit crazy. Maybe that same person didn't even pay their rent, but instead bought their own body weight in holiday themed Peeps. Who are we to judge.

  I, for one, never really put much into these doomsday prophecies. After all, there's a new end of the world scare at least once a month. Even this one, the supposedly honest to goodness prophecy that everyone has been talking about for over a year, I didn't believe. Although, after the huge blizzard that hit us yesterday, I kind of thought...well, maybe there is some truth to the whole thing. Well, apparently not.

  With only half the day left I was starting to get worried. Hope all I want, I don't think this apocalypse is coming. Stupid unreliable thing. I figured I might as well just write my rent check out and take it in, but before I could finish the first letter in the name of the rental company I remembered something. About two weeks ago, a person of Mayan decent moved in below me.

  I quickly ran downstairs and began pounding on his door. We have maybe said hi to each other twice in the hall, but that's about it. When he finally opened his door, I said hello and laid out maybe question of when the world was going to end. He seemed a little offended that I was asking him this, but after a little light pushing, he shared his secret ancient knowledge.

  "Don't blame us," Ted said. "We didn't say the world was going to end. We just got sick of making calenders. You do realize we made a calender that extended almost 5,000 years into our own future. You try making a calender that far out. Eventually no one wanted the job anymore so we just quit. We figured we would just make some more after the 5,000 years was up."

  With that and a brief but stern request that I "stomping around", I went back to my apartment to finish writing out that rent check. I guess it's a good thing the world isn't ending, but I will say this. Next time someone comes around with some doomsday prophecy, I am out. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, the freaking world better end.

The Battle Lines are Drawn

  I originally meant for this post to go up on Monday, but given the fact my computer had become self-aware and was confiscated  by some secret shadow organization, it had to wait.

  To be honest, this post would have been perfect for Memorial Day, because it reveals how they have drawn the battle lines. They have hidden themselves everywhere, and often attack when I'm sleeping.

  I've tried to reach a peaceful solution, I really did. They just kept coming and taking more and more territory.

  Finally, I was left with no other option, but to set aside my humanity and answer their declaration of war. Over the last few weeks I fought back with everything I had. I took the lives of at least a dozen of their soldiers, but still they continued their invasion. I've given this war everything I have, and while I refuse to give up and surrender, I find myself having to admit... they are winning. The crickets are taking over.

  Yep, you heard right. I said, crickets. What? You think just because they are crickets, it makes this war less meaningful. Let me tell you, crickets are vicious and care only about themselves. 

  I suppose the real question you are asking yourself is how did all these crickets end up in my apartment in the first place. It all began with a sand demon who wears his heart on his sleeve.

  In October I purchased a little bearded dragon. The idea was to decorate his cage in a dessert theme, so I thought an appropriate name would be Gaara. Loosely translated it means "demon who wears his heart on his sleeve."

  When I first bought Gaara, he only ate about 20 to 30 crickets a day. And those crickets were really small. I think they called them pin size. So every couple days i would buy about a hundred crickets. When they are small like that all you need is a little cricket cage and  you never have to worry about them  getting away. Sadly, Gaara continued to grow, and now he eats about 50 to 70 crickets a day. That amount of crickets would cost a lot of money if you were to buy them from a place like Petsmart. One weeks worth of crickets would cost you about $50. Not wanting to spend $200 a month in crickets, I went online and found a website that allows you to buy 2,000 of them for $12. A much better deal. Sure they are sold out of some government lab in Nevada, but at the time I figured who cares. I was saving money.

  For a while everything was still okay. I did have to buy a bigger cage but it seemed to be doing a good job of containing them. That was until one day I was feeding Gaara and eating a corn dog at the same time. I might have dropped a few bits of corn dog in the cricket cage. Like Piranha the crickets swarmed over the corn dog bits, devouring them in seconds.

Genetically advanced cricket hungers for human

  A few days later, I came home from work and saw the lid to the cricket cage open. I also noticed my crickets seemed to be bigger. Over the next few days I kept finding more and more crickets in my apartment and also noticed they were now about 7 inches long.

  This didn't seem right. So I did something no one would do in this day and age. I called the company and asked them why my crickets are getting close to being able to attack Tokyo. They told me some stuff about the crickets being part of an experimental breed, and that when they eat breaded meat it causes a rapid mutation. They offered no solution except to buy some bug spray. I tried that. The crickets came up to me, took the can out of my hands and sprayed me in the face with it. I even tried extreme cold, but all the crickets did was go skiing down all the furniture and ice skating in the bathroom sink.

  For weeks now our battle was raged. Neither side able to gain an advantage. That is until I realized why those mutant crickets were able to hold their own. Not only were they big but there was literally thousands of them. I know I only started with two thousand crickets, but in their mutated form, the crickets breed like nympho rabbits.

  The crickets had become too big for Gaara to eat, so whenever I had the chance, I would crush them up and then feed them to Gaara. As the weeks and war went on, I noticed Gaara was starting to grow bigger too. Instead of a normal sized bearded dragon, mine was about four to five feet long. So big in fact he could stand on his hind legs and look out a window. It took me a while to realize that whatever chemicals were present in the crickets that made them grow to ginormous sizes must have been absorbed by Gaara when he ate them. 

Gaara standing 4 Ft tall
and looking out the window

  Finally the sides were a little more even. I'm actually able to sleep at night since Gaara can patrol the apartment. The war has slightly shifted to our favor, but the crickets were still growing and getting braver. I can't say how this will end, but I will warn you to be careful when buying crickets online. Always make sure your crickets are from a non-governmental secret test facility, and never ever ever feed them corn dogs.
  Wish me luck.

Amy Schumer: Comedian

  I recently heard this super funny comedian. She is kind of a combination between Daniel Tosh and Sarah Silverman. She made me laugh so hard that this week, instead of promoting a musical comedian, I am switching it up to just plain comedian. Here is a little bit more about her.
  Amy Schumer is one of the fastest rising comics on the scene. The former Last Comic Standing finalist has just released Cutting, on Comedy Central Records. It follows her spring 2010 Comedy Central Presents stand up special. She also just filmed a movie with Steve Carell called Seeking a Friend for the End of the World.

  On the small screen, she has nabbed a recurring role in the upcoming season of Adult Swim's mocumentary series "Delocated" as well as a spot on HBO's "Curb Your Enthusiasm." She is also playing opposite Parker Posey in indie flick Price Check. Amy has also performed on “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” and “John Oliver's New York Stand-Up Show.” She has also appeared on “The Ellen DeGeneres show,” where Ellen was quoted as saying "Amy is one of my favorites, I expect to see big things from this girl."

 
Amy was selected for the 2007 Montreal Just For Laughs Festival in the "New Faces" category. She has also appeared on Comedy Central's “Live At Gotham” and co-starred in the series, "Reality Bites Back.” She served as host of the game show "BFF" on MySpace video and can be found weekly in any number of comedy clubs in New York City or headlining clubs or colleges around the country.

She is a graduate of the William Esper studio.

She will be preforming in Madison in October.