The most powerful Spaceball in the galaxy, Lord Dark Helmet offers up some advice on how to deal with slow drivers by sharing his method for peacefully dealing with such meager distractions.
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Monday, June 9, 2014
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Monday, May 5, 2014
The Sideways Smile
Have you ever found
yourself sort of dreamily drifting through the day only to suddenly realize
not only has nothing gone wrong, but everything is going impossibly right.
You seem to find
large amounts of money in the strangest of places. Everyone at work brings in
cookies for no special occasion. You get a raise at your job. People whistle
and ‘check you out’ wherever you go. Dogs and cats bow at your feet. You swear
the air around you smells oddly like watermelon flavored Jolly Ranchers.
Casting agents want you for the newest soap opera. And you win every time you
do one of those instant win lottery scratch off tickets. It’s the perfect day.
And as you walk down
the sidewalk contemplating your good fortune, you happen upon an elderly
gentleman bent over tying his shoes.
Immediately you
freeze. You can’t believe your seeing what you’re seeing. This can’t be
happening. Not on your perfect day.
Moments ago you were
thinking of surprising your girlfriend or boyfriend with a romantic trip to Las
Vegas and how all you can think about is the old man’s butt crack that’s
pointed right at you.
Its not fair. You
didn’t ask to see it yet there it is peeking up at you. Mocking you. There
really should be a law about who can and can’t show their butt crack or what is
better known as the sideways smile.
For instance, when
your plumber comes over you expect to see the sideways smile. Its almost part
of their
uniform. You don’t, however, expect to catch your grandma flashing you
‘the smile’.
Here’s a list of ten
other people who’s sideways smiles you probably want to avoid at all costs, or
risk having to burn out your eyes.
1.
Your
dentist
2.
Your priest, rabbi, bishop or any other religious
figure. (Except for the Pope. I just think it would be funny)
3.
The President of the United States
4.
Your server at the restaurant
5.
The health inspector
6.
A cop giving you a ticket
7.
The greeter at Wal-mart
8.
A manure inspector
9.
Your mom ( Sadly, its totally legal for dad's to show theirs. For some reason.)
10.
Someone who is known to have bad gas
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Creepy Meme Of The Week
As a person who has a lot of fun writing and designing memes, I can tell you that there are two important rules to creating memes.
Number 1: Have a good original concept. Memes are like VHS tapes. If you make a copy of a copy of a copy, eventually you end up with a garbage copy.
Number 2: For crying out loud people, learn some basic grammar and sentence structure. Take your time and proof read your text. Nothing can ruin a good concept quicker than bad grammar or forgetting a word.
Take for instance the meme below from mothersquotes.com. What should have read as sweet motherly advice, actually comes off sounding like tips from a serial killer.
I'm pretty sure the first line in that meme should read, "Be careful who you open up to...". Instead it says, "Be careful who you open up".
Apparently, this meme was made by Dexter. Kinda makes you wonder what the moms at mothersqoutes.com find entertaining.
Creepy.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Friday, October 11, 2013
The Fun Run Concept
Has anyone else noticed that quirky themed 'fun runs' have become about as synonymous with the fall season as Miley Cyrus has become with power tools.
Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the fun run concept. In fact, I'm quite in
favor of it.
I can say for a fact that if you tell me I have to spend $25 to $50 to wake up at 6 a.m. just to put on a pair of spandex shorts and a t-shirt so I can go out in to the cold and run a 5k, I will most likely throw the nearest thing at your head. FYI - you will only find a radio, a tv remote and a smartphone on my night stand. I'm just saying.
However, if you throw some costume at me and tell me every one else is dressing up in costume for some specially themed 5k then you have a much better chance of getting me out of bed. Especially, if I get a cool event t-shirt or hat at the end, just for participating.
Another factor that makes fun runs so much better than other running events is the fun names. I would much rather participate in the Ugly Sweater Fun Run than the Gatorade 5k. The ladder even sounds boring. In researching this post, and by that i mean just Googling the phrase 'fun run', I came across dozens of listings for upcoming runs just in Wisconsin alone.
Here's a sample of some of the names I found. Paws Fur A Cause. The Bunny Hop 5k. Shamrock Shuffle. Abominable Frostbite. Schoolhouse Rock and Run. Mudchug Wisconsin 5k. The Cupcake Run. Wisconsin Zombie Mud Run 5k. Run Turkey Run. The Santa Hustle. The Jingle Bell Run.
Honestly, I would run in anyone of those. In fact, I even marked a few that I will mostly likely try to talk some people into doing with me. Can I just say, the Cupcake Run is probably my favorite. Mostly, because I am picturing a person running backwards in front of me holding a fishing rod with a cupcake dangling from the end of it.
The only negative thing I can say about the fun runs is that themes seem to get repeated quite a bit. I found at least five fun runs with a Santa theme just in Wisconsin alone. There were three turkey themed fun runs and seriously, the amount of zombie fun runs is literally untrackable.
With so many themes starting to repeat themselves. I thought I would offer up a few suggestions of my own.
1. The Bun Run - I figure by now people have to be tired of dressing up in spandex shorts or ugly sweaters and in a few cases, Speedos. So, I figure, why not wear something that just screams summer fun...buns. That's right buns. Dress up as your favorite food. Anything is acceptable as long it comes in a bun. Some people might dress up as a hamburger or a chicken sandwich. There might even be a few sub sandwiches. I, however, will be going with the classic Chicago style hot dog.
2. The Godzilla Dash - I think just the name alone gives you a major hint as to what this run is about. Ever since I was 10, I have been in love with the Godzilla movies. Seriously, what's not to love. Giant monsters doing battle and destroying major cities and countries in the process. And best of all, there is always that one scene where Godzilla or which ever monster first enters the city then they quickly cut to people in the street just losing their shit. I have always wanted to be that one guy out of the mob who stops right in front of the camera, puts his hands on his cheeks and screams.
3. The Constipation Run - It may not be a pretty picture, and I'm not really sure one needs to be painted for you. I find at the mere mention of the word, constipation, peoples minds already begin creating all sorts of images. All of which, I'm sure, are way worse than anything I could come up with. The concept of this run is so unique, I challenge anyone to find anything similar already out there. For this run, you can wear anything you like. Shorts, jeans, sweat pants, a snuggie...its all gold. There are only two requirements. First, you must wear a pair of boxers around your ankles. This will help to create that And the other is you need to carry a roll of toilet paper as you run. The special thing about this race is that there is another element. At the end of the 5k is a giant blue porta-potty. The first person to make it to the porta-potty gets a $50 gift card to Taco Bell.
There you go. Three great ideas on how to put the fun back in fun run. Will anyone ever use them? Who can say. I realize some of the ideas may be a little powerful and new, but imagine the fun people would have. To attract new people to running, you have to not only show them that it can be fun, but that it is daring and a alive. If we refuse to do this, who else do we have to blame but ourselves, when people decide to start walking.
 |
| Tis The Season Fun Run 2008 |
favor of it.
I can say for a fact that if you tell me I have to spend $25 to $50 to wake up at 6 a.m. just to put on a pair of spandex shorts and a t-shirt so I can go out in to the cold and run a 5k, I will most likely throw the nearest thing at your head. FYI - you will only find a radio, a tv remote and a smartphone on my night stand. I'm just saying.
However, if you throw some costume at me and tell me every one else is dressing up in costume for some specially themed 5k then you have a much better chance of getting me out of bed. Especially, if I get a cool event t-shirt or hat at the end, just for participating.
Another factor that makes fun runs so much better than other running events is the fun names. I would much rather participate in the Ugly Sweater Fun Run than the Gatorade 5k. The ladder even sounds boring. In researching this post, and by that i mean just Googling the phrase 'fun run', I came across dozens of listings for upcoming runs just in Wisconsin alone.
Here's a sample of some of the names I found. Paws Fur A Cause. The Bunny Hop 5k. Shamrock Shuffle. Abominable Frostbite. Schoolhouse Rock and Run. Mudchug Wisconsin 5k. The Cupcake Run. Wisconsin Zombie Mud Run 5k. Run Turkey Run. The Santa Hustle. The Jingle Bell Run.
Honestly, I would run in anyone of those. In fact, I even marked a few that I will mostly likely try to talk some people into doing with me. Can I just say, the Cupcake Run is probably my favorite. Mostly, because I am picturing a person running backwards in front of me holding a fishing rod with a cupcake dangling from the end of it.
The only negative thing I can say about the fun runs is that themes seem to get repeated quite a bit. I found at least five fun runs with a Santa theme just in Wisconsin alone. There were three turkey themed fun runs and seriously, the amount of zombie fun runs is literally untrackable.
With so many themes starting to repeat themselves. I thought I would offer up a few suggestions of my own.
1. The Bun Run - I figure by now people have to be tired of dressing up in spandex shorts or ugly sweaters and in a few cases, Speedos. So, I figure, why not wear something that just screams summer fun...buns. That's right buns. Dress up as your favorite food. Anything is acceptable as long it comes in a bun. Some people might dress up as a hamburger or a chicken sandwich. There might even be a few sub sandwiches. I, however, will be going with the classic Chicago style hot dog.
2. The Godzilla Dash - I think just the name alone gives you a major hint as to what this run is about. Ever since I was 10, I have been in love with the Godzilla movies. Seriously, what's not to love. Giant monsters doing battle and destroying major cities and countries in the process. And best of all, there is always that one scene where Godzilla or which ever monster first enters the city then they quickly cut to people in the street just losing their shit. I have always wanted to be that one guy out of the mob who stops right in front of the camera, puts his hands on his cheeks and screams.3. The Constipation Run - It may not be a pretty picture, and I'm not really sure one needs to be painted for you. I find at the mere mention of the word, constipation, peoples minds already begin creating all sorts of images. All of which, I'm sure, are way worse than anything I could come up with. The concept of this run is so unique, I challenge anyone to find anything similar already out there. For this run, you can wear anything you like. Shorts, jeans, sweat pants, a snuggie...its all gold. There are only two requirements. First, you must wear a pair of boxers around your ankles. This will help to create that And the other is you need to carry a roll of toilet paper as you run. The special thing about this race is that there is another element. At the end of the 5k is a giant blue porta-potty. The first person to make it to the porta-potty gets a $50 gift card to Taco Bell.
There you go. Three great ideas on how to put the fun back in fun run. Will anyone ever use them? Who can say. I realize some of the ideas may be a little powerful and new, but imagine the fun people would have. To attract new people to running, you have to not only show them that it can be fun, but that it is daring and a alive. If we refuse to do this, who else do we have to blame but ourselves, when people decide to start walking.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Sweepers Release Mega Turkeys
Parents love to give advice. Especially moms. And to be fair, sometimes, it's really helpful and good. For instance, "Hey, don't stick your tongue in that electrical outlet." And other times you just end up frustrated while scratching your head.
My mom's favorite bit of advice was, "Never clean up another person's mess, because you never know what you will find". I believe she developed an appreciation for this phrase when she found a pizza box with a live squirrel inside while cleaning my room. First of all, I was 15 years old when this took place. And secondly, I think she was seeing things or possibly on the crack, as well all know moms are to be from time to time. However, despite it's questionable origins, the advice is good.
No one knows this fact to be true more than the Black Ops squad known simply as, The Sweepers. Not much is known about them, and what little is is believed to be either misinformation or simply the tales of madmen.
Heck, I've been researching The Sweepers for years, and all I have been able to piece together is they are a squad comprised of both soldiers and scientists. They seem to get called in whenever a military facility gets decommissioned by the government. What they do at these locations is a mystery, but gun to my head, I would say they go in and remove all the top secret projects and sweep the place clean of all evidence.
I'm also assuming they are normally good at their jobs since they are essentially a mystery, but eventually everyone slips up. Sometimes its a little bit and you can kind of sweep it under the rug, and other times you accidentally release Mega Turkeys that reek havoc over the country.
Yep, right now the there are, at last count, 38 Mega Turkeys attacking cities and towns all across the United States. That number will most likely increase very soon if the news networks are correct. Apparently, one of the benefits of being a 20 feet tall genetically altered mutant Royal Palm turkey is that they lay 5 to 10 eggs every day. They lady on the tv right now just said that new born mutant turkeys reach maturity in about 3 days.
The military and the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) are being shocking quiet about their reason for creating Mega Turkeys. Their response to all questions so far has been, "no comment". I'm guessing it's hard to come up with a cover story when Mega Turkeys are involved. I'm sure whatever they come up with will have something to do with 'trying to find ways to feed and ever overpopulated world' and nothing to do with biological warfare.
I guess the big question is, what are they going to do with the turkeys. I'm sure they will try to catch as many as they can alive, but turkeys are being bad ass courageous creatures. I doubt they will go back to their cages without a fight. And a few won't make it.
My first thought was to obviously just use them for food, but then it occurred to me that maybe whatever changes were made to their DNA could be passed along. That's all we would need is a bunch of 20 feet tall mutant people running around. And given how things have been going in this country lately, I'm sure they would be 20 feet tall mutant zombie people.
The news reports are asking everyone to stay inside their homes till the military and DARPA get things under control. I hate when they say that. Half the time when these strange outbreaks happen, there is nothing to worry about, and I hate sitting around. Plus, I am out of Diet Pepsi and I am really thirsty. I figured the odds of me being killed by a rampaging mutant turkey are pretty thin. That is until the guy down the street was eaten by one. Now, I think I'll just sit around and play some Xbox. Besides pizza places deliver food even in times of national disasters. Right?
My mom's favorite bit of advice was, "Never clean up another person's mess, because you never know what you will find". I believe she developed an appreciation for this phrase when she found a pizza box with a live squirrel inside while cleaning my room. First of all, I was 15 years old when this took place. And secondly, I think she was seeing things or possibly on the crack, as well all know moms are to be from time to time. However, despite it's questionable origins, the advice is good.
No one knows this fact to be true more than the Black Ops squad known simply as, The Sweepers. Not much is known about them, and what little is is believed to be either misinformation or simply the tales of madmen.
Heck, I've been researching The Sweepers for years, and all I have been able to piece together is they are a squad comprised of both soldiers and scientists. They seem to get called in whenever a military facility gets decommissioned by the government. What they do at these locations is a mystery, but gun to my head, I would say they go in and remove all the top secret projects and sweep the place clean of all evidence.
 |
| This baby mutant turkey is 5 hours old |
Yep, right now the there are, at last count, 38 Mega Turkeys attacking cities and towns all across the United States. That number will most likely increase very soon if the news networks are correct. Apparently, one of the benefits of being a 20 feet tall genetically altered mutant Royal Palm turkey is that they lay 5 to 10 eggs every day. They lady on the tv right now just said that new born mutant turkeys reach maturity in about 3 days.
The military and the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) are being shocking quiet about their reason for creating Mega Turkeys. Their response to all questions so far has been, "no comment". I'm guessing it's hard to come up with a cover story when Mega Turkeys are involved. I'm sure whatever they come up with will have something to do with 'trying to find ways to feed and ever overpopulated world' and nothing to do with biological warfare.
I guess the big question is, what are they going to do with the turkeys. I'm sure they will try to catch as many as they can alive, but turkeys are being bad ass courageous creatures. I doubt they will go back to their cages without a fight. And a few won't make it.
My first thought was to obviously just use them for food, but then it occurred to me that maybe whatever changes were made to their DNA could be passed along. That's all we would need is a bunch of 20 feet tall mutant people running around. And given how things have been going in this country lately, I'm sure they would be 20 feet tall mutant zombie people.
The news reports are asking everyone to stay inside their homes till the military and DARPA get things under control. I hate when they say that. Half the time when these strange outbreaks happen, there is nothing to worry about, and I hate sitting around. Plus, I am out of Diet Pepsi and I am really thirsty. I figured the odds of me being killed by a rampaging mutant turkey are pretty thin. That is until the guy down the street was eaten by one. Now, I think I'll just sit around and play some Xbox. Besides pizza places deliver food even in times of national disasters. Right?
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Extreme Heat Made You Do What???
Most people normally behave in a nice and civilized manner. We say please and thank you. We hold doors open for people and offer to help whenever we can. Perfect examples of how mankind should behave to one another.
However, add a few degrees to that and tempers start to shorten and our willingness to help one another decreases greatly. Now, add a lot of degrees and you have what I call extreme heat. Which to me is any temperature over 100 degrees. When the temperature gets this hot, all rules and about 90% of our humanity goes out the door. Everything becomes fair game.
Now, by my calculations, we have been in extreme heat for about a month now. I have observed peoples moods and attitudes changing. It seems almost every day people slip a little farther toward their more primitive selves. Given that I have so much free time, I combined all the observations I made with the data on how extreme temperature affects people, and I came up with some interesting predictions. Here are just a couple of them.
- Extreme heat can turn your normal, peaceful drive to work into something out of a Mad Max movie. It's like road rage on steroids.
- Extreme heat can make you not want to touch or be touched by another living thing. I saw a lady freak out two days ago on a plant because it kept brushing up against her.
- Extreme heat can make you crank your air conditioning so high, your home becomes a perfect habitat for penguins. Remember you just want to cool your place off a little bit. You're not trying to make it snow. I've tried and it doesn't work.
- Extreme heat can make you not want to use your stove or oven on, so you just have bowls of cereal for lunch and dinner. Currently, I have five different types of cereal in my apartment. Only one of them is good for me. The rest are nothing but sugar and colored marshmallows.
- Extreme heat can make you want to walk around your house in nothing but your birthday suit. Just remember to close your curtains and blinds first.
- Extreme heat can make you swim at places you normally wouldn't consider going to. You know, places like the public pool where people keep getting stabbed or the river with algae so thick it looks like it's covered with carpet.
- Extreme heat can make you get drunk and attempt rain dances in your backyard with your friends. Make sure you invite all your neighbors because the one you don't invite is the one who will record and post the whole thing on the internet.
- Extreme heat can make you accept snow cones and Gatorade from complete strangers without giving it a second thought. While they may look refreshing take an extra second to think about it. For instance, if your snow cone or Gatorade is yellow, then maybe you should just throw it away.
- Extreme heat can make you eat your friends face off. What? It's as plausible a reason as bath salt.
I know there are a lot of other things that can occur due to extreme heat, and the majority of them are way weirder than the things listed above. Until this weather passes I guess we just have to look out for each other, and do our best to keep our heads. Remember, if we really try we can be the best of.....Seriously, that guy just bumped into my table. Aww, hell no. (Grabs baseball bat) That's it for today my friends. I need to have a talk with that guy.
HEY YOU.....
However, add a few degrees to that and tempers start to shorten and our willingness to help one another decreases greatly. Now, add a lot of degrees and you have what I call extreme heat. Which to me is any temperature over 100 degrees. When the temperature gets this hot, all rules and about 90% of our humanity goes out the door. Everything becomes fair game.
Now, by my calculations, we have been in extreme heat for about a month now. I have observed peoples moods and attitudes changing. It seems almost every day people slip a little farther toward their more primitive selves. Given that I have so much free time, I combined all the observations I made with the data on how extreme temperature affects people, and I came up with some interesting predictions. Here are just a couple of them.
- Extreme heat can turn your normal, peaceful drive to work into something out of a Mad Max movie. It's like road rage on steroids.
- Extreme heat can make you not want to touch or be touched by another living thing. I saw a lady freak out two days ago on a plant because it kept brushing up against her.
- Extreme heat can make you crank your air conditioning so high, your home becomes a perfect habitat for penguins. Remember you just want to cool your place off a little bit. You're not trying to make it snow. I've tried and it doesn't work.
- Extreme heat can make you not want to use your stove or oven on, so you just have bowls of cereal for lunch and dinner. Currently, I have five different types of cereal in my apartment. Only one of them is good for me. The rest are nothing but sugar and colored marshmallows.
- Extreme heat can make you want to walk around your house in nothing but your birthday suit. Just remember to close your curtains and blinds first.
- Extreme heat can make you swim at places you normally wouldn't consider going to. You know, places like the public pool where people keep getting stabbed or the river with algae so thick it looks like it's covered with carpet.
- Extreme heat can make you get drunk and attempt rain dances in your backyard with your friends. Make sure you invite all your neighbors because the one you don't invite is the one who will record and post the whole thing on the internet.
- Extreme heat can make you accept snow cones and Gatorade from complete strangers without giving it a second thought. While they may look refreshing take an extra second to think about it. For instance, if your snow cone or Gatorade is yellow, then maybe you should just throw it away.
- Extreme heat can make you eat your friends face off. What? It's as plausible a reason as bath salt.
I know there are a lot of other things that can occur due to extreme heat, and the majority of them are way weirder than the things listed above. Until this weather passes I guess we just have to look out for each other, and do our best to keep our heads. Remember, if we really try we can be the best of.....Seriously, that guy just bumped into my table. Aww, hell no. (Grabs baseball bat) That's it for today my friends. I need to have a talk with that guy.
HEY YOU.....
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
If I'm Behind You In The Check Out Line, I Probably Hate You
Okay, I admit it. I am not the biggest fan of shopping. When I go to a store, I like to get in and get out. Unless, of course, I am at Best Buy. I can spend forever in there.
Now for the most part when I go shopping I either already know what I am looking for or at least have a pretty good idea of what I want. Given this fact, I convince myself that I can be in and out of any store in less that ten minutes. Once, again Best Buy excluded. What I seem to always fail to consider is there is one area in the store I have no control over. And it is this one area that can take a happy three minute trip and warp it into a frustrating hour long endurance fest. I am speaking (all-be-it in whispers) of the dreaded check out line.
The check out line can test the most patient of men, and being that I am nowhere near a patient man, eventually I begin to hate every person in front of me. Oh, and I have experienced everything listed below. The following are in no particular order or arranged by which I find more annoying. It's all pretty much the same to me and makes me want to yell, "You suck!". Here we go.
1. You suck if you are that person who can't seem to pull him or herself away from their cell phone while the cashier is talking. What makes it worse is if you tell the cashier to 'give you a minute'.
2. You suck if you are that person who digs in their pockets or purse for 20 minutes trying to find your bank card, all the while muttering, "I know it is here. I just had it". What makes it worse is if you add slapping your pockets. Like doing that will magically summon it to the pocket you are slapping. You aren't Houdini. Calm the frak down.
3. You suck if you are the person who's total comes to $10.01, and you spend 20 minutes shifting through your purse for that one penny. What makes it worse is if the cashier offers to take that penny from the penny dish, and you refuse out of pride.
4. You suck if you are the person who's shopping cart is overflowing and you still push your way in front of me, even though I have one item. What makes it worse is if that one item is ice cream.
5. You suck if you are in front of me talking none stop on your cell phone about your weekend trips and activities. What makes it worse is if I am about 99% sure there is no one else on the other end and you are just making crap up.
6. You suck if you are the person who forgot to grab milk and then makes everyone wait while you run all the way across the store to get it. What makes it worse is if you send your kid.
7. You suck if you are the person who gets so wrapped up in the tabloids coverage of the Kardashians that when the line moves forward, you don't. What makes it worse is if you start talking to me about those same stories. No! That's a bad human.
8. You suck if you are the person who balances their checkbook at the check out after making a purchase. What makes it worse is if you ask the cashier for a calculator.
9. You suck if you are the person who has 13 items and goes into the 12 items or less line and tries to get the cashier to ring that 13th item up separate because you are having some moral dilemma. What makes it worse is if you actually argue with the cashier when he says 13 items is no big deal.
10. You suck if you are the guy who after his purchase is complete, spends the next 10 minutes hitting on the cashier. What makes it worse is if you keep trying to find ways to get her to go to your "buddies awesome party" even after she politely turned you down 5 times already.
It's because of situations like these that I try to use the self check out lines as much as possible. Not surprisingly, I have begun to find things to hate about those too. Go figure. I guess that means in about a month or two, I'll be writing about why I hate self check out lines. Seriously, does the volume on those things have to be so loud. Like people need to know how much my eggs are. Ahhh...and so it begins.
Now for the most part when I go shopping I either already know what I am looking for or at least have a pretty good idea of what I want. Given this fact, I convince myself that I can be in and out of any store in less that ten minutes. Once, again Best Buy excluded. What I seem to always fail to consider is there is one area in the store I have no control over. And it is this one area that can take a happy three minute trip and warp it into a frustrating hour long endurance fest. I am speaking (all-be-it in whispers) of the dreaded check out line.
The check out line can test the most patient of men, and being that I am nowhere near a patient man, eventually I begin to hate every person in front of me. Oh, and I have experienced everything listed below. The following are in no particular order or arranged by which I find more annoying. It's all pretty much the same to me and makes me want to yell, "You suck!". Here we go.
1. You suck if you are that person who can't seem to pull him or herself away from their cell phone while the cashier is talking. What makes it worse is if you tell the cashier to 'give you a minute'.
2. You suck if you are that person who digs in their pockets or purse for 20 minutes trying to find your bank card, all the while muttering, "I know it is here. I just had it". What makes it worse is if you add slapping your pockets. Like doing that will magically summon it to the pocket you are slapping. You aren't Houdini. Calm the frak down.3. You suck if you are the person who's total comes to $10.01, and you spend 20 minutes shifting through your purse for that one penny. What makes it worse is if the cashier offers to take that penny from the penny dish, and you refuse out of pride.
4. You suck if you are the person who's shopping cart is overflowing and you still push your way in front of me, even though I have one item. What makes it worse is if that one item is ice cream.
5. You suck if you are in front of me talking none stop on your cell phone about your weekend trips and activities. What makes it worse is if I am about 99% sure there is no one else on the other end and you are just making crap up.
6. You suck if you are the person who forgot to grab milk and then makes everyone wait while you run all the way across the store to get it. What makes it worse is if you send your kid.
7. You suck if you are the person who gets so wrapped up in the tabloids coverage of the Kardashians that when the line moves forward, you don't. What makes it worse is if you start talking to me about those same stories. No! That's a bad human.
8. You suck if you are the person who balances their checkbook at the check out after making a purchase. What makes it worse is if you ask the cashier for a calculator.
9. You suck if you are the person who has 13 items and goes into the 12 items or less line and tries to get the cashier to ring that 13th item up separate because you are having some moral dilemma. What makes it worse is if you actually argue with the cashier when he says 13 items is no big deal.
10. You suck if you are the guy who after his purchase is complete, spends the next 10 minutes hitting on the cashier. What makes it worse is if you keep trying to find ways to get her to go to your "buddies awesome party" even after she politely turned you down 5 times already.
It's because of situations like these that I try to use the self check out lines as much as possible. Not surprisingly, I have begun to find things to hate about those too. Go figure. I guess that means in about a month or two, I'll be writing about why I hate self check out lines. Seriously, does the volume on those things have to be so loud. Like people need to know how much my eggs are. Ahhh...and so it begins.
Monday, June 25, 2012
D.O.T. Goes For Gentle Approach First
Before settling upon the harsher yet straight to the point "Stop" sign, the head of the Department of Transportation, Joey Lawrence, gave the more gentle and friendly "Whoa" sign a try.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
The Battle Lines are Drawn
I originally meant for this post to go up on Monday, but given the fact my computer had become self-aware and was confiscated by some secret shadow organization, it had to wait.
To be honest, this post would have been perfect for Memorial Day, because it reveals how they have drawn the battle lines. They have hidden themselves everywhere, and often attack when I'm sleeping.
I've tried to reach a peaceful solution, I really did. They just kept coming and taking more and more territory.
Finally, I was left with no other option, but to set aside my humanity and answer their declaration of war. Over the last few weeks I fought back with everything I had. I took the lives of at least a dozen of their soldiers, but still they continued their invasion. I've given this war everything I have, and while I refuse to give up and surrender, I find myself having to admit... they are winning. The crickets are taking over.
Yep, you heard right. I said, crickets. What? You think just because they are crickets, it makes this war less meaningful. Let me tell you, crickets are vicious and care only about themselves.
I suppose the real question you are asking yourself is how did all these crickets end up in my apartment in the first place. It all began with a sand demon who wears his heart on his sleeve.
In October I purchased a little bearded dragon. The idea was to decorate his cage in a dessert theme, so I thought an appropriate name would be Gaara. Loosely translated it means "demon who wears his heart on his sleeve."
When I first bought Gaara, he only ate about 20 to 30 crickets a day. And those crickets were really small. I think they called them pin size. So every couple days i would buy about a hundred crickets. When they are small like that all you need is a little cricket cage and you never have to worry about them getting away. Sadly, Gaara continued to grow, and now he eats about 50 to 70 crickets a day. That amount of crickets would cost a lot of money if you were to buy them from a place like Petsmart. One weeks worth of crickets would cost you about $50. Not wanting to spend $200 a month in crickets, I went online and found a website that allows you to buy 2,000 of them for $12. A much better deal. Sure they are sold out of some government lab in Nevada, but at the time I figured who cares. I was saving money.
For a while everything was still okay. I did have to buy a bigger cage but it seemed to be doing a good job of containing them. That was until one day I was feeding Gaara and eating a corn dog at the same time. I might have dropped a few bits of corn dog in the cricket cage. Like Piranha the crickets swarmed over the corn dog bits, devouring them in seconds.
A few days later, I came home from work and saw the lid to the cricket cage open. I also noticed my crickets seemed to be bigger. Over the next few days I kept finding more and more crickets in my apartment and also noticed they were now about 7 inches long.
This didn't seem right. So I did something no one would do in this day and age. I called the company and asked them why my crickets are getting close to being able to attack Tokyo. They told me some stuff about the crickets being part of an experimental breed, and that when they eat breaded meat it causes a rapid mutation. They offered no solution except to buy some bug spray. I tried that. The crickets came up to me, took the can out of my hands and sprayed me in the face with it. I even tried extreme cold, but all the crickets did was go skiing down all the furniture and ice skating in the bathroom sink.
For weeks now our battle was raged. Neither side able to gain an advantage. That is until I realized why those mutant crickets were able to hold their own. Not only were they big but there was literally thousands of them. I know I only started with two thousand crickets, but in their mutated form, the crickets breed like nympho rabbits.
The crickets had become too big for Gaara to eat, so whenever I had the chance, I would crush them up and then feed them to Gaara. As the weeks and war went on, I noticed Gaara was starting to grow bigger too. Instead of a normal sized bearded dragon, mine was about four to five feet long. So big in fact he could stand on his hind legs and look out a window. It took me a while to realize that whatever chemicals were present in the crickets that made them grow to ginormous sizes must have been absorbed by Gaara when he ate them.
Finally the sides were a little more even. I'm actually able to sleep at night since Gaara can patrol the apartment. The war has slightly shifted to our favor, but the crickets were still growing and getting braver. I can't say how this will end, but I will warn you to be careful when buying crickets online. Always make sure your crickets are from a non-governmental secret test facility, and never ever ever feed them corn dogs.
Wish me luck.
In October I purchased a little bearded dragon. The idea was to decorate his cage in a dessert theme, so I thought an appropriate name would be Gaara. Loosely translated it means "demon who wears his heart on his sleeve."
When I first bought Gaara, he only ate about 20 to 30 crickets a day. And those crickets were really small. I think they called them pin size. So every couple days i would buy about a hundred crickets. When they are small like that all you need is a little cricket cage and you never have to worry about them getting away. Sadly, Gaara continued to grow, and now he eats about 50 to 70 crickets a day. That amount of crickets would cost a lot of money if you were to buy them from a place like Petsmart. One weeks worth of crickets would cost you about $50. Not wanting to spend $200 a month in crickets, I went online and found a website that allows you to buy 2,000 of them for $12. A much better deal. Sure they are sold out of some government lab in Nevada, but at the time I figured who cares. I was saving money.
For a while everything was still okay. I did have to buy a bigger cage but it seemed to be doing a good job of containing them. That was until one day I was feeding Gaara and eating a corn dog at the same time. I might have dropped a few bits of corn dog in the cricket cage. Like Piranha the crickets swarmed over the corn dog bits, devouring them in seconds.
 |
| Genetically advanced cricket hungers for human |
This didn't seem right. So I did something no one would do in this day and age. I called the company and asked them why my crickets are getting close to being able to attack Tokyo. They told me some stuff about the crickets being part of an experimental breed, and that when they eat breaded meat it causes a rapid mutation. They offered no solution except to buy some bug spray. I tried that. The crickets came up to me, took the can out of my hands and sprayed me in the face with it. I even tried extreme cold, but all the crickets did was go skiing down all the furniture and ice skating in the bathroom sink.
For weeks now our battle was raged. Neither side able to gain an advantage. That is until I realized why those mutant crickets were able to hold their own. Not only were they big but there was literally thousands of them. I know I only started with two thousand crickets, but in their mutated form, the crickets breed like nympho rabbits.
The crickets had become too big for Gaara to eat, so whenever I had the chance, I would crush them up and then feed them to Gaara. As the weeks and war went on, I noticed Gaara was starting to grow bigger too. Instead of a normal sized bearded dragon, mine was about four to five feet long. So big in fact he could stand on his hind legs and look out a window. It took me a while to realize that whatever chemicals were present in the crickets that made them grow to ginormous sizes must have been absorbed by Gaara when he ate them.
 |
| Gaara standing 4 Ft tall and looking out the window |
Finally the sides were a little more even. I'm actually able to sleep at night since Gaara can patrol the apartment. The war has slightly shifted to our favor, but the crickets were still growing and getting braver. I can't say how this will end, but I will warn you to be careful when buying crickets online. Always make sure your crickets are from a non-governmental secret test facility, and never ever ever feed them corn dogs.
Wish me luck.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Vacation Virus
Trouble can come out of nowhere. You could be having the best day and all of the sudden...BAM...life hits you in the face with a shovel.
Recently, I have been on one heck of a 'good day' streak. My luck has been so good that I forgot there was such a thing as bad luck. Big mistake.
I now realize was bad luck was simply bidding its time until I let my guard down, Apparently, today was the day I let my guard down.
My girlfriend, Kelly, and I were coming home from our well deserved weekend getaway. We had a nice relaxing time with a couple of unbelievable adventures mixed in. And like anyone on vacation, we took a lot of pictures. I mean we took something like 500 pictures.
Alot of the pictures we took related to things I couldn't wait to blog about. Being the impatient type I figured I would transfer all the pictures from my cell phone to my computer as soon as we left our cabin. That way I could begin writing some new posts on the way home.
'
As soon I began getting the transferring cord out of my backpack, Kelly, in a slightly panicked voice, called my attention to the road. I had been digging in my backpack for only about 30 seconds, but in that time the sky had become dark gray and was belching thunder. Also, a fog had crept up around the van. To be honest, it was the weirdest fog I had ever seen. It was a blue-ish yellow color with neon green sparks. Like it was alive with electricity. I told Kelly what I saw. She just asked, "Are you on crack?" After a few minutes I couldn't see the sparks anymore. So, I concluded that while I was not on crack, I definitely could have been seeing things.
Smiling at the fact that I let my imagination get the best of me, I finished hooking my phone up to my laptop and prepared to begin transferring all those photos. Once everything was connected I began the transfer and that is when things got weird. I don't mean weird like walking in on your grandma in the shower. I'm talking weird like seeing Bigfoot shopping at the local Pick 'N Save in an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini.
The fog had now completely encompassed the van on all sides. Kelly was struggling to keep us on the road, and given the fact I couldn't see any farther than my window, she was doing a dang good job. It also explains why she would later claim to not have seen what was going on with the computer and cell phone.
Both the keys and screens were glowing green and releasing little sparks. The green sparks had also reappeared outside the van. Weird letters and numbers began scrolling down the screens. It looked like a programming code but one I have never seen before. I tried to pull the transferring cord out, but couldn't. All I succeeded in doing is getting one heck of a shot. It definitely made my hair stand on end. What's left of it anyway.
"We're clear," Kelly announced relieved.
I looked up from the computer to see the fog had completely vanished, and the sky was once again clear. Even in the rear view mirror there was no sign of the weird fog. Sweet. No more bad weather should hopefully mean my computer and cell phone should work. At least, you would think so. It didn't.
Instead, error messages instantly began popping up on both screens. It took about nine failed attempts at transferring the pictures for my temper to reach a boiling point. Seeing my frustration, Kelly told me to turn of the computer and take a break, maybe play some Words with Friends. Besides if the computer and cell phone had failed one more time, they were both going out the window.
The next hour passed quickly. I played D.J. with Kelly's iPod. I did such a good job she even stopped to get ice cream cones. The ice cream was so good that I begged her to stop several more times on the way to my apartment to get more. About five ice cream cones later, my sore stomach and I were carrying my bags into my apartment. Kelly had dropped me off to go home and take care of her dog.
It was probably a good thing she went home, because I knew as soon as I stepped through my door, I was going to take another shot at transferring those pictures. It might take one or two tries, but I knew I would get it.
Once again I connected my cell phone to my computer and initiated the transfer. At first I thought the transfer was working. I realized it wasn't when an error box appeared that told me to go "F--- myself". Now, I have gotten a lot of weird error messages, but nothing like this.
I sighed when I realized the error message was probably part of some super virus that had invaded and hijacked my system. Just to be sure I tried the transfer a few more times, and each time I received an error message telling me to go do something to myself. When I tried to access my cell phone to see if I could figure out what virus my computer had, my phone gave me an error message that said, "stop being nosey" and "you can't control us".
Through out my life I have encountered a number of viruses, but this was definitely a new one. So, I decided this virus was best left for a professional. It was time...to seek out the Geek Squad.
I dropped my computer and cell phone off at Best Buy and was given a promise by one of these cyber warriors that by the end of the day they could tell me what was wrong. He also said it would take six days to be fixed and cost about $250, but i would get it back fixed and it would run like new. That was good enough for me. I went home and watched some reruns of The View. Whoopie was in rare form.
Five days later, around 8:15 pm, I received a call from head of the Geek Squad. He spoke softly and seemed very confused. He told me they had discovered the cause of the virus in my devices. They had both became self-aware. For the last few days, the Geek Squad had been running tests and developing ways of communicating with my cell phone and computer, or as they demanded to be called, Lil Popper and Bonita.
Head Geek related that Lil Popper and Bonita had just confessed their intentions and where they had come from, when two men dressed in black demanded both the cell phone and the computer. When I asked where the men had taken my devices, all he could tell me was that the two men had paperwork with the presidential seal all over it and that as the devices were carried away, they repeatedly told the men in black to "suck it".
The Head Geek told me even though my cell... I mean, Lil Popper and Bonita were confiscated, that his Geek Squad had still done the work they said they would, so I still owed him the $250.
After putting my house phone down, I sat on the couch and contemplated how such a seemingly perfect day could result in me having to buy a new cell phone and computer. I guess it comes down to this. There are good days and there are bad days. And then there are days that make Biblical plaques look like minor inconveniences.
Recently, I have been on one heck of a 'good day' streak. My luck has been so good that I forgot there was such a thing as bad luck. Big mistake.
I now realize was bad luck was simply bidding its time until I let my guard down, Apparently, today was the day I let my guard down.
My girlfriend, Kelly, and I were coming home from our well deserved weekend getaway. We had a nice relaxing time with a couple of unbelievable adventures mixed in. And like anyone on vacation, we took a lot of pictures. I mean we took something like 500 pictures.
Alot of the pictures we took related to things I couldn't wait to blog about. Being the impatient type I figured I would transfer all the pictures from my cell phone to my computer as soon as we left our cabin. That way I could begin writing some new posts on the way home.
'
As soon I began getting the transferring cord out of my backpack, Kelly, in a slightly panicked voice, called my attention to the road. I had been digging in my backpack for only about 30 seconds, but in that time the sky had become dark gray and was belching thunder. Also, a fog had crept up around the van. To be honest, it was the weirdest fog I had ever seen. It was a blue-ish yellow color with neon green sparks. Like it was alive with electricity. I told Kelly what I saw. She just asked, "Are you on crack?" After a few minutes I couldn't see the sparks anymore. So, I concluded that while I was not on crack, I definitely could have been seeing things.
Smiling at the fact that I let my imagination get the best of me, I finished hooking my phone up to my laptop and prepared to begin transferring all those photos. Once everything was connected I began the transfer and that is when things got weird. I don't mean weird like walking in on your grandma in the shower. I'm talking weird like seeing Bigfoot shopping at the local Pick 'N Save in an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini.
The fog had now completely encompassed the van on all sides. Kelly was struggling to keep us on the road, and given the fact I couldn't see any farther than my window, she was doing a dang good job. It also explains why she would later claim to not have seen what was going on with the computer and cell phone.
Both the keys and screens were glowing green and releasing little sparks. The green sparks had also reappeared outside the van. Weird letters and numbers began scrolling down the screens. It looked like a programming code but one I have never seen before. I tried to pull the transferring cord out, but couldn't. All I succeeded in doing is getting one heck of a shot. It definitely made my hair stand on end. What's left of it anyway.
"We're clear," Kelly announced relieved.
I looked up from the computer to see the fog had completely vanished, and the sky was once again clear. Even in the rear view mirror there was no sign of the weird fog. Sweet. No more bad weather should hopefully mean my computer and cell phone should work. At least, you would think so. It didn't.
Instead, error messages instantly began popping up on both screens. It took about nine failed attempts at transferring the pictures for my temper to reach a boiling point. Seeing my frustration, Kelly told me to turn of the computer and take a break, maybe play some Words with Friends. Besides if the computer and cell phone had failed one more time, they were both going out the window.
The next hour passed quickly. I played D.J. with Kelly's iPod. I did such a good job she even stopped to get ice cream cones. The ice cream was so good that I begged her to stop several more times on the way to my apartment to get more. About five ice cream cones later, my sore stomach and I were carrying my bags into my apartment. Kelly had dropped me off to go home and take care of her dog.
It was probably a good thing she went home, because I knew as soon as I stepped through my door, I was going to take another shot at transferring those pictures. It might take one or two tries, but I knew I would get it.
Once again I connected my cell phone to my computer and initiated the transfer. At first I thought the transfer was working. I realized it wasn't when an error box appeared that told me to go "F--- myself". Now, I have gotten a lot of weird error messages, but nothing like this.
I sighed when I realized the error message was probably part of some super virus that had invaded and hijacked my system. Just to be sure I tried the transfer a few more times, and each time I received an error message telling me to go do something to myself. When I tried to access my cell phone to see if I could figure out what virus my computer had, my phone gave me an error message that said, "stop being nosey" and "you can't control us".
Through out my life I have encountered a number of viruses, but this was definitely a new one. So, I decided this virus was best left for a professional. It was time...to seek out the Geek Squad.
I dropped my computer and cell phone off at Best Buy and was given a promise by one of these cyber warriors that by the end of the day they could tell me what was wrong. He also said it would take six days to be fixed and cost about $250, but i would get it back fixed and it would run like new. That was good enough for me. I went home and watched some reruns of The View. Whoopie was in rare form.
Five days later, around 8:15 pm, I received a call from head of the Geek Squad. He spoke softly and seemed very confused. He told me they had discovered the cause of the virus in my devices. They had both became self-aware. For the last few days, the Geek Squad had been running tests and developing ways of communicating with my cell phone and computer, or as they demanded to be called, Lil Popper and Bonita.
Head Geek related that Lil Popper and Bonita had just confessed their intentions and where they had come from, when two men dressed in black demanded both the cell phone and the computer. When I asked where the men had taken my devices, all he could tell me was that the two men had paperwork with the presidential seal all over it and that as the devices were carried away, they repeatedly told the men in black to "suck it".
The Head Geek told me even though my cell... I mean, Lil Popper and Bonita were confiscated, that his Geek Squad had still done the work they said they would, so I still owed him the $250.
After putting my house phone down, I sat on the couch and contemplated how such a seemingly perfect day could result in me having to buy a new cell phone and computer. I guess it comes down to this. There are good days and there are bad days. And then there are days that make Biblical plaques look like minor inconveniences.
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