Return Of The Fraggles.

  Memories. We spent every moment of our lives making them. Some, we forget about quicker than my girlfriend can scream when she sees a spider. Others strike such an emotional cord that they stay with us to the day we die.

  The thing that surprises me is that when you talk to people about a memory, they tend to automatically assume it's a good one. No one, ever thinks you could be remembering the death of a loved one or the day you lost your job. Maybe it's because even the most jaded of us really wants life to be this happy shiny place.

  I am one of those people who fall into the 'happy shiny' category. For the vast majority of my life, I believed a bad memory will always be bad and a good one will forever remain pure. Man, it really sucks when life proves you wrong.

  If you were to ask me a few days ago what my favorite child memory was, without hesitation I would have said hanging out with my brother and watching Fraggle Rock. We would pretend to be different characters from the show and knew all the songs by heart. I think I still have that soundtrack somewhere.

  I have so many fond memories attached to that show. That is until a few weeks ago, when I discovered what the true history of Fraggle Rock is.

  The residents of Fraggle Rock did not always live underground. Thousands of years ago, humans and Fraggles lived on the surface together in peaceful harmony. Some documents even place the Fraggles in the Garden of Eden. The two species existed happily together for quite some time. That is until, the Fraggles made a unprecedented leap forward in genetic engineering.

  For all their good qualities, Fraggles did not like to work. They loved to play and dance and have adventures, but avoided work as much as possible. Never wanting to have to work again, the Fraggles turned to the one job they didn't mind doing. They began coming the DNA from different animals to create a working class. Someone who would build their buildings, roads and bridges. The humans tried to persuade the Fraggles to abandon this path, but they refused.

  It took 30 years, but the Fraggles finally succeeded. In a big ceremony, the Fraggles introduced the Doozers. The Doozer was no more the seven inches high, looked as if it was made of green Play-Doh and had a built in desire to build.

  The Fraggles offered to let the humans use the Doozers as well, but they refused. It didn't take long for the Doozers to go from being a part  of the Fraggles life to being just another tool for them to use. The Fraggles worked the Doozers around the clock. Sometimes having them build things just because they wanted to see what it would look like, then destroying it as soon as they were done. Other Fraggles would destroy Doozer buildings just to make them have to build it again. Most Doozers life spans equaled to only a few months due to being fed very little and forced to work 24 hours a day.

  The time came when the humans stopped negotiating with the Fraggles and started to demand the Doozers be freed. Eventually, this lead to a great war that lasted over 70 years. The battles were bloody and casualties were high on both sides. However, over time the humans would slowly gain the advantage, and on the last day of the war offered the few remaining Fraggles a choice. They could either stop their mistreatment of the Doozers or be banished underground. The Fraggles made their choice.

  On that day the Fraggles disappeared from our lives, taking the Doozers with them. Except for a few pieces of paper, all evidence the Fraggles ever existed had been erased. As the centuries past, the Fraggles became nothing more than characters of myth and legend.

  That is until, they decided the time was right to reclaim the surface world and exact their revenge on all humans. While underground the Fraggles had grown harder, uglier and cold. They no longer cared about having fun and playing. War was their lifestyle now. It is believed that all the reported sightings of trolls were really people spotting Fraggle spies sent to gather information. Uncle Traveling Matt, the most famous spy of all.

  The Doozers had changed as well. While underground the Fraggles had continued to manipulate their DNA, until the tiny, cute Doozer was no more. As a first strike, the Fraggles released the new hate filled Doozers against the world. They now stood 20 stories high and cared nothing about building, only destroying everything in their paths. Preparing for the world for the coming of the Fraggle Army.

  When banished it was believed the Fraggles numbered no more than 30. Reports from satellites and ground penetrating x-rays reveals there are now hundreds of thousands, possibly millions of Fraggles living beneath the ground all around the planet.

  As of now, it seems all the nations are still preparing for this threat on an individual level. From all the reports and footage I see on tv at night, I don't think we can stop this threat without joining forces with the other nations of the world. The Fraggles are to well organized. I think if we don't present a united front, the Fraggles will win and reclaim what was once theirs.

The Right To Bear Arms

  It’s a well known fact that people  love to be a part of history. We literally reenact everything from repeating wedding vows to recreating crime scenes to famous moments in history. Until recently, the go-to for historical reenactments has been recreating famous battles between the North and the South.  Why we became so focused on this bit of history I will never know. I mean, I wouldn’t mind seeing famous battles between cave people and the dinosaurs or the time George Washington went on that cherry tree massacre reenacted. And for once, it seems the government agreed with me.

  On August 3, 2012, top officials in the United States government assembled to reenact the signing of one of the greatest documents in our history. The United States Constitution. The event was broadcast live on every tv and radio station in the United States. It wasn’t until 2:37 pm on August 4, 2012, that people realized a mistake had occurred in the wording of the new United States Constitution. More specifically in the Second Amendment – Bearing Arms.

  The Second Amendment basically states that a well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, gives people the right to bear arms and this right shall not be infringed upon. 

  However, due to a few misplaced words the Second Amendment  now states that  in order to have a well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, gives bears the right to bear arms and this right shall not be infringed upon. In even simpler terms this means that while Smokey is out there preventing forest fires and he’s doing it with a double barrel sawed off shotgun strapped to his back.

  Smokey isn’t the only bear to have taken advantage of this new law. At a comedy club in Portland, Oregon, Fozzie Bear has held an audience captive for the last two days. He says no one gets to leave till he gets the jokes worked out for his upcoming Comedy Central special. In Jellystone National Park, Yogi and Boo Boo  have given up their crazy schemes for simply holding people up at gun point for their picnic baskets. Snuggle, the fabric softener bear, has given up doing laundry in favor of kidnapping people at gun point and selling them as laundry slaves on the black market.  And the most shocking report so far is that Winnie the Pooh has been robbing grocery stores and taking entire shelves of honey.

  A security camera In the Waunakee, Wisconsin, Piggly Wiggly not only captured footage of Winnie the Pooh running to the exit doors with a handgun in the air and pushing a shopping cart full of honey but also him yelling, “I’m sick of getting my butt stuck in trees just because I want to eat. Do you know how embarrassing that is, and I know that little douche, Christopher Robin is always laughing at me. Well, who is laughing now ya little punk.”

  President Obama has been very outspoken in his disapproval over the poor attention to detail and copy editing that has lead to this situation. He has also been quick to assure people that this amendment will be fixed, but that since it’s the weekend the soonest any voting can take place would be on Monday.  Until then, President Obama  recommends everyone try to stay indoors and avoid contact with any bears if possible. Every bear is to be considered armed and dangerous and all-in-all pretty ticked off.

  I really don’t think I am in any danger, but just to be sure I am going to follow the President’s advice to the letter. Plus, I am going to leave a big old fricking box of honey on my porch. I figure what can it hurt. Until the President gives the all clear on this bear thing, I am going to just sit in my house and catch up on the last three seasons of Burn Notice.

Never Change Another Diaper Again

  My die casting job keeps me pretty busy. The problem is everything I do is fairly repetitive. Which means while I may be running all over the place, my mind is kind of just floating in limbo. This state of mind can sometimes lead to amazingly deep and profound thoughts, and other times it leads to the invention below.

  I am totally excited to have kids some day. Everything about the idea appeals to me, except the changing of those sticky nugget filled diapers. I couldn't even pick up my own dog's mess with out gagging. Just the idea makes my stomach turn a little. So, this presents an interesting problem. How do I raise a child without ever having to change a diaper? Well, i believe the solution presented itself last night.

  This is a industrial pump used for sucking up water, oil, hydraulic fluid and the such. This is also one part of my new invention, The Diaper Purger 3000. The second half of this marvelous invention is a simple diaper with a flap in the back. How does it work you ask? A great question with a very simple explanation.

  When you have identified the offending diaper simply lift the flap on the diaper then attach The Diaper Purger 3000 hose. Flip the on button, and watch the nuggets and even liquids vanish. In seconds you are left with a dry and sparkling clean diaper. The best part is The Toilet Purger 3000 comes with a reverse switch, so you can pump out whatever you collected into an air tight barrel or spray it over your law as fertilizer or at the neighbor you have been feuding with. Oh, and did I mention it will only cost $300. In not having to buy new diapers alone it will save you roughly $20,000 a year.

  I hope to have these out in time for Christmas. Look for it at baby supply stores everywhere.

Behold The Power Of Gum

  I am always hearing people and commercial talking about the 'power of cheese', but they really never go into what those powers are. Can cheese fly? Does it have x-ray vision? Is it totally invulnerable, so you can't cut the cheese? I have no idea. Although today, I did find out the awesome power of gum. It can bring trucks to a complete stop and keep them from moving.

  No one ever told me gum has this power. Instead I had to find out on my own. I hate finding things out on my own. People like to call them lives little lessons or surprises. I prefer to see them as additional ways life can screw with me.

  I have to say about 60% of the things I do during the day involves or is motivated by food. Monday is $3.99 spaghetti and bread stick day at Hy-Vee. It's pretty good, it fills me up and the best part is it's cheap. So, it's normally that is where I go to eat.

  My favorite thing is to pick up the spaghetti and bread sticks and then to find some place quiet to just listen to some stand up comedy specials on my computer or cell phone. It's the relaxing calm in an otherwise hectic Monday. So yeah, I might have been whistling as I walked back to my truck. There's nothing wrong with it. Sure lots of people and dogs tend to cover their ears when I whistle, but that doesn't make it wrong. I set my food in my truck, started the engine and shifted into drive. Nothing. I pushed down a little harder on the gas pedal. Still nothing. I started to worry there was something wrong with my transmission. Annoyed, I jammed the pedal to the floor. I could hear my wheels spinning and smell the burnt rubber, but I remained in the same parking spot. Nothing.

  I know absolutely nothing about cars, but I still felt I should get out and take a look. After all, that's what guys do. Most of the time we have no idea what we are looking for or even at, but it must be some weird piece of junk DNA that makes us do it.

  After fulfilling my manly obligation I called a tow truck. All I saw was a piece of gum stuck to my tire and the pavement. I may be slow when it comes to how trucks work, but I knew a poorly piece of discarded Hubba Bubba gum wasn't going to hold my truck in place. That only works in cartoons.

  The tow truck driver finally showed up and took his turn walking around my car. As soon as he saw the tire with gum on it, he sighed and said that was it. I tried to ask him how gum could keep a truck from moving, but he was obviously focused on the gum. He went back to his truck and broke out this huge blow torch. He then proceeded to spend the next twenty minutes melting and chipping away at the gum.I couldn't believe what was going on. This had to be a bad joke, but as people walked by they would be like "Oh, that sucks" or "That happened to me last week."

  Confused, I watched as the tow truck driver packed up his gear and presented me with a bill for $200. I was like, "You removed some gum. Don't you think your bill is a little unfair?" He just shook shook his head slowly side to side like a disappointed father and said, "You have no idea what gum can do."

  Maybe not, but I also didn't have $200 on me. When i told him this, the guy looked like he might use that huge blow torch on me. Then I saw his eyes shift to my incredibly plate of spaghetti and bread stick. I knew at that moment a deal had been made. He took my food and said my bill was paid.

  As his truck pulled away, I sat there with no food and a half melted tire. Definitely, not the best start to the day. I guess I can try next Monday, but you better believe I will be keeping my eye open for rogue wads of chewing gum for now on.

 

Who Says The Police Don't Like To Help

   

If I'm Behind You In The Check Out Line, I Probably Hate You

  Okay, I admit it. I am not the biggest fan of shopping. When I go to a store, I like to get in and get out. Unless, of course, I am at Best Buy. I can spend forever in there.

  Now for the most part when I go shopping I either already know what I am looking for or at least have a pretty good idea of what I want. Given this fact, I convince myself that I can be in and out of any store in less that ten minutes. Once, again Best Buy excluded. What I seem to always fail to consider is there is one area in the store I have no control over. And it is this one area that can take a happy three minute trip and warp it into a frustrating hour long endurance fest. I am speaking (all-be-it in whispers) of the dreaded check out line.

  The check out line can test the most patient of men, and being that I am nowhere near a patient man, eventually I begin to hate every person in front of me. Oh, and I have experienced everything listed below. The following are in no particular order or arranged by which I find more annoying. It's all pretty much the same to me and makes me want to yell, "You suck!". Here we go.

1.  You suck if you are that person who can't seem to pull him or herself away from their cell phone while the cashier is talking. What makes it worse is if you tell the cashier to 'give you a minute'.

2.  You suck if you are that person who digs in their pockets or purse for 20 minutes trying to find your bank card, all the while muttering, "I know it is here. I just had it".  What makes it worse is if you add slapping your pockets. Like doing that will magically summon it to the pocket you are slapping. You aren't Houdini. Calm the frak down.

3.  You suck if you are the person who's total comes to $10.01, and you spend 20 minutes shifting through your purse for that one penny. What makes it worse is if the cashier offers to take that penny from the penny dish, and you refuse out of pride.

4.  You suck if you are the person who's shopping cart is overflowing and you still push your way in front of me, even though I have one item. What makes it worse is if that one item is ice cream.

5.  You suck if you are in front of me talking none stop on your cell phone about your weekend trips and activities. What makes it worse is if I am about 99% sure there is no one else on the other end and you are just making crap up.

6.  You suck if you are the person who forgot to grab milk and then makes everyone wait while you run all the way across the store to get it. What makes it worse is if you send your kid.

7.  You suck if you are the person who gets so wrapped up in the tabloids coverage of the Kardashians that when the line moves forward, you don't. What makes it worse is if you start talking to me about those same stories. No! That's a bad human.

8.  You suck if you are the person who balances their checkbook at the check out after making a purchase. What makes it worse is if you ask the cashier for a calculator.

9.  You suck if you are the person who has 13 items and goes into the 12 items or less line and tries to get the cashier to ring that 13th item up separate because you are having some moral dilemma. What makes it worse is if you actually argue with the cashier when he says 13 items is no big deal.

10.  You suck if you are the guy who after his purchase is complete, spends the next 10 minutes hitting on the cashier. What makes it worse is if you keep trying to find ways to get her to go to your "buddies awesome party" even after she politely turned you down 5 times already.

  It's because of situations like these that I try to use the self check out lines as much as possible. Not surprisingly, I have begun to find things to hate about those too. Go figure. I guess that means in about a month or two, I'll be writing about why I hate self check out lines. Seriously, does the volume on those things have to be so loud. Like people need to know how much my eggs are. Ahhh...and so it begins.

D.O.T. Goes For Gentle Approach First

Before settling upon the harsher yet straight to the point "Stop" sign, the head of the Department of Transportation, Joey Lawrence,  gave the more gentle and friendly "Whoa" sign a try.

Monster at Devil's Lake

This is a photo I took at Devil's Lake when I was hiking.

GODZILLA ATTACKS MADISON!!!

After things finally started to calm down from all the election excitement, now

we have to deal with this. If it's not one thing it's another in this town.