Best Presents Ever

  I hope everyone had a happy holiday.  This time of year it is really easy to let all the work and family stress overwhelm you until you are nothing but a big ball of Grinchy goo.

  Its because of all this stress that sometimes people just get overwhelmed and run out of time to shop so they go with a gift card or just put some money in an envelope.  Which I have nothing against,  but this year I was given two presents that someone put a lot of thought and live into and that made them quite possibly the best presents I have ever received.

  Both of these amazing presents were given to me by my girlfriend. And I know some of you are thinking, 'Of course she got you cool gifts. That's what a girlfriend is supposed to do.' But I can tell you from my experience that is not always the case. More often than not, people will  buy something just so they can cross a name off their list. Sure it might be a cool gift,  but does it have any meaning behind it.

  The first gift my girlfriend gave me was a set of three ornaments. Which is really awesome because I had been looking for the perfect ornament to put on our Christmas tree. I wanted to be something special that somehow tied into this being the first Christmas my girlfriend and I spent together. So, years down the road when we hang the ornament up we can both smile and reflect.

  The ornaments were snowmen and Christmas trees with little picture frames in the center done in a style that I can't really describe but I like. And to be honest, I'm including a picture, so you can see for yourself. Inside the picture frame of one of the snowmen, she had written, "V + J: 2013".

  Sure it was such a simple thing, but it meant so much. She could have got anything at all and I would have been happy. However, by giving me those ornaments it not only shows she put a lot of thought into her gift, but also that our first Christmas together was special to her as well.

The Perfect Ornament 

  The second gift she gave was a drawing of a giant pair of pants and on a Post-It Note, two stick figures. The boy stick figures asks the girl "Are these my size?" and the girl responds with a loud "No".

  What does these mean besides being a cool piece of art? It means my girlfriend thinks my pants are too big. Which is true. You can't argue with the truth.

I have issues with buying the right size pants

  The picture is also a promise of an adventure. One day we will go out into this crazy world in search of a pair of pants that will fit me and whatever happens along the way happens. It is probably one the greatest gifts anyone has ever given me just for the sheer fact of how creative it was and the story behind it.  I have it framed and every time I look at it I think how lucky I am and get a big dopey smile on my face.

  Based on just the amazing time I have spent with my girlfriend and these two incredible gifts alone, this has been the best Christmas I have had in years.

Thank you

Happy New Year 2014

The Truth Is Out There... Just Not In There

  Did you know that Michelle Obama is sick of the President's cheating ways or that aliens are building a strip mall in Nevada or that the guys from Duck Dynasty are really Russian spies?

  Up until ten minutes ago neither did I. But that all changed as soon as my mom went out to the mail box and saw her latest issue of the National Enquirer had come.

  Growing up that magazine and  others like it were my mom's main source of news. She quoted alleged facts from those tabloids to me all the time as a kid.
And people wonder why I had a hard time in school.

     Teacher: Jim... who shot JFK?
     Me: A secret shadow organization made up of aliens and corrupt highly positioned government officials.

  Needless to say, I'm pretty sure my history teachers would have paid a pretty penny to figure out where I was getting my 'facts' from.

  While my mom continued to constantly tout these tabloids as being the only news sources brave enough to risk printing the truth, I was finally starting to question how legitimate their sources were. 

  For instance,  I remember one story reported how an alien space craft had teleported the entire state of Texas into their ship and replaced all the  humans with identical alien -  human hybrids. That was the article that finally made me go "Really?".

  It wasn't too long after I decided these articles were fake that my mom stopped sharing her little ' facts ' and I stopped seeing them laying around the house.

  At the time I assumed my mom had arrived at the same conclusion I had and placed a secret ban barring all tabloids from being in her home.

  Turns out she had just started keeping them under her bed because she didn't want to have to keep defending them.

  I guess now-a-days she could care less what people think because the National  Enquirer and the Star magazines are all over her house.  Actually,  if you can find a surface in her house that isn't covered by them then you should give Ripley's Believe It or  Not a call.

  When she not only started quoting 'facts' from those tabloids again but also told me she had subscriptions to them, I almost went into shock. 

  I wanted to shake her until she came to get senses and realized these tabloids were nothing but lies. But I figured what difference does it really make if she wants to believe those stories are real.

  So... I took a deep breath and asked her what else was new in the news.  After about 15 minutes of listening to story after story, I came to the conclusion that only about 3% of what she told me was probably true. The rest was probably made up by a bunch of college kids while smoking a huge amount of pot and watching late night tv.

  Ohhh.... Now she is telling me that Miley Cyrus is a creature from outer space with the all-to-cliche dream of ruling the world. Hmmm. That one could be true.

 

 
 

 

The Reasons I Need A Vacation After My Christmas Vacation

  It is important that before I start this post that I preface it by saying I really, really do like and love my family. However, that being said... I am so ready to get away from these crazy people and go back to Wisconsin for a little peace and quiet. 

  I should point out that most visits to see my family in Illinois aren't that bad.  Its just these holiday ones that tend to be a little bit challenging.  Especially when Amanda's side of the family comes to town. Oh, in case I haven't mentioned it in the past,  Amanda is my brother 's wife. 

  Her side of the family decided to descend upon our little town in two waves.  The first one consisted of Amanda's sister and her two kids. One of which, I am pretty sure, is the Son of Satan.  The second wave will arrive on Saturday or Sunday and brings with it Amanda's mom and three of her cousins.  

  As you can probably guess,  that many people crammed into two houses can cause tensions to occasionally run high. And good luck finding some place quiet.  Believe me, I have tried. 

  One time when my girlfriend called,  I had to switch rooms six times just to find some quiet time.

  You may be wondering what could cause me to flee the welcoming arms of my family after just two days with them. 

  

  Here are just a few examples of what has happened so far. I didn't put the examples in any particular order or arrange them by dates simply because some of the things have happened every day and often more than once.

  1. With in a few minutes of being around the Son of Satan, he charged me and jumped up on to me. When he did this,  his knee connected with my jaw and shattered my tooth. So that right there... major ouchie. I dare you to find a dentist on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. 

  2. My brother is constantly complaining about how unfair it was for A&E to fire that guy on Duck Dynasty. And how he was let back on the show because everyone was returning the merchandise they bought as a form of protest. He even has conspiracy theories as to why the guy was really fired. I've listened to three of these speeches so far and I still can't even tell you the name of the guy who was fired or say I  honestly care that he was. 

  3.  My mom's police and fire department scanner has become like fingers on a chalk board to me. The scanner is at one end of the house and the bedrooms are at the other,  and even with my door closed I can still hear that thing. And what is worse is if my mom recognizes a street or a name,  she immediately comes to get me so I can hear what is happening and listen to her speculations about why it is happening. Honestly, unless the house I am currently in is on fire, I could care less what that screeching box has to say. I'm just trying to resist hitting it with a hammer. 

  4. All I hear through out the year from my niece is how she misses her cousin, Jarrod (aka the Son of Satan) and how much she wishes she could play with him. Which is so sweet and cute... Until you actually get them together.  Then all that sweetness and cuteness gets replaced with screaming, tattling and crying. Some of their favorite complaints are: one accusing the other of not sharing toys, playing with a toy that the other was just about to pick up, accusations by both of them involving cheating at Candy Land and Hungry Hungry Hippo and their favorite, she/he said it would be my turn next but she/he isn't giving me my turn. However,  as soon as you separate them for more than five minutes, they go back to missing each other.

  5. My mom keeps blocking in my car so I'm stuck at the house and can't go anywhere. She keeps saying she accidentally does it but I think she does it so she isn't the only one left alone with all the craziness.

  6. I don't like chicken or turkey or tomatoes. Most people just accept this as a weird quirk of mine and move on. Everyone that is except for anyone on Amanda's side of the family. Every time one of them cooks something with one of the above ingredients I politely decline explaining I'm not a big fan of turkey, chicken or tomatoes. And instead of them moving on, they try to convince me that they make the best chicken in the world and if I just ate a little of it I would start to love chicken. Because in 40 years,  no one has ever tried to get me to eat chicken or turkey or handed me a tomato fresh off the vine and told me it would be delicious. The only person who has any hope of getting me to try something I don't like is my girlfriend. 

  At the moment I am savoring the silent room I found and the conversation I just had with my girlfriend. That woman is completely amazing and talking to her always helps me smile.

  So armed with that smile and a little quiet, I will throw open the door and trek to the kitchen.  What evils I shall encounter along the way I can't be sure.  All I do know is there is some upside down pineapple cake in the fridge,  and I am super hungry. Wish me luck.

  

  

  

  

  
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sad Hulk

Santa Wakes Up

Merry Christmas

That 's Not A Wrap

  There are a lot of great things that go along with the holiday season.  You get a chance to spend time with family,  friends and loved ones. If you are lucky enough to get some snow,  you could make a snowman or have a snowball fight. And of course, there are presents.

  I love giving things to people.  So much so that sometimes I might go a little overboard. But its not my fault.  When I see things that remind me of people I know, I tend to go ahead and buy them.

  The only problem is... I am the worst present wrapper in the world. No matter how hard I try, my presents always end up looking like a bear with two left hands wrapped them.

  Don't believe me. Check out these examples of my skill. Or lack there of.

Going Rogue At The Company Dinner

  Through out our long and crazy history, people have always found ways to keep the chaos that is life at bay.

  Whether it be using a burnt stick to mark on a cave wall how many apples you lent to the cute but loud couple in the cave next door or charting the constellations to see if you should ask out that girl you saw in the market or downloading that app that helps to keep all your contacts backed up, people will always find a way to make things organized.

  That is why I am a big fan of the list. A list is such a simple thing, yet the help it provides is beyond measure. They take up very little space, all your thoughts are easily accessed and you can jam it in your pocket and go. Also, my favorite part of a list is being able to check things off of it.

  During the holidays, lists are literally my lifesavers. Without a list there is a pretty good chance my brother won't get a present or my niece would get the same exact toy I bought her last year for Christmas. Do you know how hard it is to try and explain why Santa Claus brought the same present two years in a row? It's not as easy as you might think.

  Lists even found their way to my job. Every year around Christmas time, my boss, Larry, takes around a sign up list for the annual Christmas party. This way the company gets a fairly accurate count of how many people are attending the party. It also helps to ensure two people don't bring the exact same thing. At least, it theoretically should have.

  I was a little late to the party because I had decided to call my girlfriend and talk to her for a bit. She had been working some insanely busy hours as of late, and I just wanted to tell her good night before she went to bed. So, by the time I made it to the party, everyone would already be eating.

  As I walked to the break room my mouth started to water a little from all the food I remembered seeing on the list. There was going to be ham and southwestern spaghetti, all sorts of pasta salads, desserts and the such. Last year there was so much food, people were able to not only get seconds but a pretty healthy serving of thirds as well.

  I pushed open the break room doors like an old west gun fighter who just entered the local saloon. My eyes quickly scanned the room until they found the food table. The first thing I noticed was a large ham with pineapple rings around it. It looked so delicious. I was going to take a big helping of that followed by...my eyes drifted down the table in a growing disbelief... followed by baked beans. And baked beans. More baked beans. Baked beans. Baked beans... and finally some kind of marshmallowy thing.

  Literally, there was a total of 8 baked beans on the table. There was no southwestern spaghetti or pasta salads, and the only dessert looked as is it might have come from another planet or escaped from some secret government testing facility.

  What was this? How did this happen? There was a list. I saw the list. There was only one person who had been marked down for bringing in baked beans. Confused, I cut a few slices of ham and took some baked beans. I passed on the mutant marshmallow creature and found a spot to sit next to the guy who was supposed to bring in the southwestern spaghetti. I needed to know what had occurred that caused everyone to go rogue and abandon their original choices.

  As a guy who works several jobs I find I have become very adept at pulling information from people in a gentle and friendly manner. This is basically how the conversation went:

  Kevin: Hey. Where were you at? Foods almost all gone.
  Me:  Yeah speaking of food, where the heck is that southwestern spaghetti at you have been bragging all week about.
  Kevin:  Ran out of time, so I just stopped at store and picked up some baked beans from the deli. It looks like a few other people had the same idea as me.

  And that was pretty much the same reason everyone else gave as to why there were enough baked beans on the food table to make manually inflating a hot air balloon seem possible.

  I know it seems like maybe I am making too big of a deal out of this, but I find it hard to believe this lack of list etiquette isn't bothering other people as well. After all, the point of the list was to ensure there were lots of different foods to choose from. Not to see if we could break the world record for the amount of baked beans that can fit on one table.

  This year, I suppose, there is little I can do about the baked bean situation this year except try to avoid anyone who went back for second and thirds until we are outside in the fresh air... but next year, oh next year my friends, there will be consequences from going rogue.

  Perhaps the company would allow us to ban baked beans outright or maybe some form of suspension without pay would be more appropriate. I guess we will just have to wait and see what the company would be willing to do and how firm of a stance they are willing to take.

  Now if you will excuse me I am going to see if the vending machine upstairs has any cookies, because I am not going near that marshmallow stuff with out a sword and the head of Medusa to protect me.

 

Things I Thought About While I Was On My Lunch Break

1.  Hong Kong Phooey is the Billie Dee Williams of cartoon characters.

2.  Is the Bigfoot in the 'Messing With Sasquatch' commercials related to the Bigfoot in 'Harry and the Hendersons'.

3.  My girlfriend.  (I would like to point out that these are in no particular order. )

4.  How has Santa never been brought up on breaking and entering charges?

5.  How do we know for sure that in the entire world, no two snowflakes are alike? I would like to see the research.

6.  How  does one go about finding a good pie fight?

Doctor Who Memes

  Ever since the 50th Anniversary episode of Doctor Who aired, the web has been flooded with all sorts of memes and art work.

  I picked out a few of my favorites to share with you. 

Just Plane Fun

  Okay, its official. The holidays are firmly upon us. Which means only one thing... travel. Whether it be by planes, trains or automobiles,  a recent survey conducted by the Souffle Institute discovered that 75% of the population are going somewhere.

  In my opinion having to travel by car or train is the way to go. Sure these modes of transport may not be the fastest,  but at least you have some say in what you can do.

  Cars, obviously, provide the most opportunity for freedom when it comes to travelling. The route you take, the music you listen to, the number of times you pull over and most importantly, the person who sits next to you is completely up to you. 

  Trains may not offer the same freedom that cars do, but you can still get away with quite a bit. For instance, you can get up and walk around whenever you want. And not just in your train car. You can walk from the front of the train all the way to the back if you want. Some trains even have snack or dinner cars in case you get hungry.

  Planes, in my opinion, are the least fun way to travel. Pretty much the only thing you have control over is whether you listen to your iPod or watch something on whatever it is you use to watch things while on the go.

  Also, You can only move around when they tell you you can. Which the last time I flew was for only a grand total of 15 minutes. Granted the plane had almost dropped out of the sky twice...but still.

  Not to mention all the fun of going to the airport. That place is nothing but security checks, long lines and angry people.

  If I can, I definitely try to avoid flying at all costs. Sadly, sometimes having to fly is just unavoidable.

  That's why over the last few years, I have come up with a few tricks to make flying a little bit more enjoyable.

Things to do at the terminal

- Those conveyor belt/ flat escalators can be a lot of fun. As soon as I get on it, I like to strike the Captain Morgan pose and see how long I can hold it without toppling over. Another fun thing to do is wait till you are about half way across then just start running in place. After a few moments yell out, 'Jane!!! Get me off this crazy thing.

- Another fun toy... I mean tool... airports have is the motorized luggage transport. You know the little golf cart looking thing. If you can manage to find one of these with the keys still in them grab it. Whenever I can obtain one, I like to pull a toga over my clothes and just drive it around the airport like it is my own personal chariot, waving to people and demanding that they bow.

- Checking in can be fun too. While they are processing all your stuff ask them if that ufo has come back. After they respond with a confused look and most likely, 'what?', just keep talking. Tell them you heard a big ufo was spotted over the airport and after it left two people were discovered missing.

-  Getting pulled aside by security for one of their random checks can even offer a chance for fun. Just as the person is about to frisk you,  in your softest bedroom voice say, 'wait...wait...do you have protection'.

- Even that horrible purgatory known as the waiting area can be fun. Find a row of 5 or more seats then ask people if they want to play musical chairs.

Things To Do On The Plane

- Pull that inflatable beach ball out of your carry on, blow it up and see how long you and your fellow passangers can keep it up in the air.

- Don't like the person sitting next to you, that one is pretty easy to fix and have fun with. One thing I do is tell the person I'm sitting next to that I had some really bad mexican food to eat and that my stomach is so not happy. The other is to tell the person that when you drink you get really handsy then immediately order two drinks.

- If you see one of the pilots ask them if they would mind taking a breathalyzer test.

- Try to get everyone to sing, Row Row Your Boat in the round.

- If the person sitting next to you is really annoying, just quickly stand up anf yell, 'how dare you!' Then throw a drink in the person's face. You will get a new seat right away.

  I have a few other suggestions that while fun to do... could lead to you being asked to leave the plane or being barred from ever flying again. So, I'll keep those to myself... except for this one.

- Wait in front of the cabin door, then as soon as it opens turn away, drop your pants and bent over a little and while shaking your half exposed sing out, 'Booty. Booty. Booty.'

  Follow these tips and great fun will be had by all. Or at the very least, by you.

Flying Lessons

I was trying out the the new photo editor app I just downloaded.

The Ultimate Lesson

Hey every body.  I just wanted to inform you all that this will be my last post for a long time.

When I first started this big I promised it would be about the silly things in life and never take itself too serious. But I'm breaking that promise today in hopes other people won't make the same mistake I did.

Friday night I picked up my girlfriend's phone and looked at some texts between her and a guy friend.

I'm not proud of what I did. If there was a way to take it back I would, but I can't. Its not something I have ever done before and I would tell you I wouldn't do it again in the future,  but I don't think I'll get a chance to prove that. 

Because I have betrayed her trust on such a deep level, I was told a few minutes ago that she needed a few days to be alone and think.

In situations like this, people are required to tell you things will be okay. Just give her a few days and everything will be okay. 

The hardest part is not only knowing I hurt her, but knowing I will never hear her say, 'I love you' again with her arms around me.

Some of you are surely asking why I did such a stupid thing. And the answer is I gave into a moment of weakness.  I was feeling bad about myself and I knew this guy was always hitting on her, so I wanted to see her telling him 'no thanks.  I have a boyfriend. '

Was it with it? Hell no. I know she asked for a few days, but I'm pretty sure she made up her mind already.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have lost one of the best things that ever happened to me over being pathetic and insecure.

She made me laugh. She inspired me on so many levels.  I used to relish every time she said, I love you. Every time those words escaped her lips my heart felt like nothing could stop it. And now I would say there is a 90% chance I will never hear here speak those words again. Let alone see her.

Folks this woman is completely amazing.  She is totally nerd compatible. She is caring and loving and super smart.  She is so beautiful.  I could stare into her eyes and just let myself get lost.

My last image of her is seeing her sleeping on the couch looking beautiful. She was so tired from our trip to Ikea and looking at paint samples that she crashed as soon as we got to her house.

When I left her house she was quietly sleeping. She had this cute little smile on her face and looked so comfy.

That will most likely be the last memory I have of her. We were working on a wall in her basement to convert it into a room for some of my stuff when I moved in at the end of next month.

I beg everyone out there. Please don't let your insecurities get to you and do what I did.  Because of what I did, I lost one of the most important people in my life and I have to live forever knowing I almost had the love I was always searching for and I destroyed it out of sheer insecurity and stupidity.

I have no one to blame but myself. So basically tonight a countdown clock has been started.  Like I said,  I'm pretty sure what her answer will be. I'm hoping for the best but given she didn't say, I love you or anything really to me today. Let's just say I'm not trying to fool myself about what her answer might be.

So in case I never get to talk to her again I just want to say that, 'I love you baby.  Thank you for some of the greatest months of my life.  You are an amazing woman and you deserve all the happiness this crazy world has to offer you. If you ever need help or anything... just call.  I'll help no questions asked. I will miss you with all my heart'.

Thank you everyone for reading all my strange and random babble through out the year. Good bye.

.

Sincerely,
Jim
Sparkle Who

A Guy's Request

Subway Artist

  I did it. I can't believe I actually did it.

  This morning I woke up and decided it was time to take off the protective gear and take some chances in life. And to help usher in this new era of risk taking, I immediately did the most unpredictable least safe thing I could think of. I sent text messages to both my bosses at both my jobs telling them, "I quit'.

  No longer was I going to spend 12 to 15 hours a day toiling away for some faceless corporation or some mega chain store.

  I want to wake up and feel excited about going to work. I want to feel like my matters and people respect me. I want to set my spirit free and create. But most of all, I never ever want to wear another uniform ever again.

  Now, I know what you are thinking. You're thinking, "like that is a nice dream and all, but who doesn't have that dream. Like totally everyone wants that. Why did you quit your job before you had another one lined up? Not smart are you, for sure." I'm not sure why your voice sounds like an oddly angry valley girl in my head, but you do.

  And just so you know, I didn't just quit my jobs without first having a plan. Sure I want a better more rewarding job, but I also like my corn dogs and jelly beans. So, rest assured the only way I would have quit my jobs is if I already had another one lined up.

This could be my new job,

  When I first woke up this morning I did what I do every morning. I grabbed my Galaxy S3 and I just played around on the web for a bit. Today one of my Internet stops included Craig's List. I check out the site now and then because sometimes there are really good job leads.

  This morning as I was quickly scanning the listings, I came across one that made me stop. It was an ad looking for some to be a Subway Artist. Which I'm guessing means I would be painting murals and the such in the subways. Hmm... I didn't know Madison had a subway system. Oh whatever. This is the chance I had been waiting for. I could not only be creative but people would admire my work every day.

  I should clarify that I don't technically have the job yet. Nope, I still have to go in tomorrow for my first and final interview. but the guy on the phone said I seemed like a promising candidate.

  Tonight I was supposed to go out with some friends, but I'm thinking about skipping out on them and instead going home and doing a little drawing. Maybe on my first day they will let me do some original art. I'm so excited. How many other people can say they are subway artists?

  I'll keep you updated about how the interview goes. Wish me luck.

Girls Advice To Guys..."No Dick In The Back!"

  I don't know about you, but every now and then doing the same old things gets a little boring. So, to combat this my girlfriend and I will have what we call, 'A Day of Firsts' to help liven things up. The idea is pretty simple in nature yet it is responsible for some very fun days. 

  Now this doesn't mean that we have to do something that neither of us has done before. If we made that a rule that would pretty much leave sky diving and bank robbing as things we could do together. Although, to be fair, I don't think I have ever asked her if she has ever been sky diving. There might just be bank robbing left. At least I hope bank robbing is the only option left and not sky diving. 

  Not that it matters since, it doesn't have to be something we have both yet to do. It just has to be something one of us hasn't done. Which works out nicely, because I know I have experienced a lot of things that I want to re-experience with her, and I think she feels the same.

  Last night's experience was kind of in the gray area. See, we decided to go see some bands play at the Majestic, a place known for providing some of the best music, stand up comedy and movies in Madison. We had both been to shows and concerts before, but never to any put on by the bands we were seeing that night. So, I'm still counting it as a new experience. Besides, I have never seen a band play in a theater type of venue. All the concerts I have been to have been big out door festival kind of things with multiple stages and multiple bands all playing at the same time.

  I will admit to being a little nervous about going. Sometimes I get a little nervous in large crowds, and this was definitely going to be a large crowd. Also, did I mention that I can't dance to save my life. I know. I know. Supposedly everyone can dance, if only just a little bit. This, however, is a lie. The last time I tried to dance and I was knocked to the floor and restrained by paramedics who thought I was having a seizure.

  My girlfriend is the one who has the rhythm. So, I figured why not ask her. She probably has some awesome advice on how someone who is rhythmically impaired can still look cool. After all, I didn't want to embarrass her. I wanted to look like I have some swagger.

  With my tail tucked between my legs, I went to her and explained my need for help.  And like I thought she would, she gave me several pieces of  advice on what to do. Including one tip that she said was the most important thing for a guy to remember when dancing with a girl... Don't stick your dick in her back!

  I wasn't necessarily sure what she meant by this. Was this some term for a new dance move I was unfamiliar with or perhaps a new way to rob someone. Who knew. So, I had to ask for clarification. To her credit she was very politically correct with her explanation.

  "It's when a guy is dancing behind a girl and he starts grinding on her. Maybe its okay for one song, but after that...no. NO! The girl isn't asking for that. Sure she may like you but that doesn't mean she wants your thing jammed up against her for the whole concert. Seriously. No dick in the butt!!!"

  Sure, I had heard of this, but not on the level she was describing. She had to be exaggerating. Sure maybe the guy goes for the bump and grind for one song, but there is no way it happens over and over through out the entire concert. She has to be giving a worst case scenario kind of thing. Sort of like how to survive an apocalypse when there are no Twinkies or Ding Dongs left and you are surrounded by bears. 

  So, we went to the concert. And holy crap was she right. During the first five minutes alone, I saw three examples of what she was talking about. Two were bad, but one guy was really bad. I'm thinking before the concert he must have snorted like a thousand pixie sticks filled with crack. 

  This dude was not just content to be grinding his girlfriend. No, he had to add a degree of difficulty to it by squatting low and coming at her at an upward angel. To be honest, I wasn't sure if he was trying to stick his dick in her back or launch her into space. And oh my god, the speed at which he was moving. I'm not even sure the Flash could have kept up. He looked like an over excited Golden Retriever trying to drill a hole through a fire hydrant using only his hips.

  Forget one song, this guy had been going at it for the first third of the concert. Finally, about one song into the second groups performance, I noticed the girl had taken a step forward and over. Essentially, putting two other girls between her and this guy. The guy had that drunk glazed over look on his face, and I'm not even sure if he realized right away that the girl had left him.

  Through out the rest of the show, I saw more and more examples of  dick in the butt. It was all around us. Luckily, that seems to be a younger guy move.

   It was funny to see these guys moving like they were the Gods of Swagger, and to also see the girls constantly rolling their eyes and trying to slowly move away. At one point, I felt so sorry for the guys that wanted to pull them aside and share my girlfriend's advice. 

  I would say something Yoda like, "Her back do not stick your dick in. Down she will shut."

  When my girlfriend and I got back home, I told her about all the instances where I saw a guy trying to jam his do-hickey into a girl's back. She simply said, "I told you so." Yes, she most certainly did.

  The thing I love about my girlfriend is that she is like some Tibetan Monk who has all these pearls of wisdom to share, but only lets a few out at a time. So far she has taught me that just because a bottle has the word Heinz on it does not automatically mean it is ketchup. And good dancing means never having to stick your dick in to someone else's back. 

  I can't say these were lessons I was expecting to learn, but I feel like just by knowing them I have become a stronger, better man. Thank you, my  girlfriend.

Vanity Plates Reveal True Nature

  I have always said a person should be proud of themselves no matter what their faults may be.

  So image how much it pleased me, as I was idling in the McDonald's drive thru, to see the licence plate of a person obviously struggling with dyslexia proclaim his pride in being a slut.

Axe Discovers Source Of Ultimate Scent

   There have been a multitude of studies regarding the level of a woman's arousal in regards to the scent of a man who has just finished a hard day of work or an intense exercise. This natural musk odor has been proven to drive women wild.

  Strangely, it is only currently available on the market in a very diluted and weakened form... until now, that is.

  Those hard working scientists at Axe Body Spray theorized that if a watered down version of the musk smell will compel any woman to give a guy a second look then a pure, untainted form would get that guy's clothes torn off in under three seconds.

  The only part the scientists were having trouble with was where to obtain such a potent source of the musk.

  At first, they took the simplistic approach. They tried combining several existing colognes together in hopes of producing a super musk. It did not. Instead, all they succeeded in doing was creating 1,216,593 new things that smell nasty.

  Next, the scientists tried synthesising the musk from scratch. This method proved to be quite successful during the initial laboratory tests. Every male test subject has at least one piece of clothing torn from his body after applying just a small dab of the synthesized musk. However, during the second stage of testing, this time being done in the real world, they quickly learned that not only can the synthesized musk not survive outside the lab, but it has a major side effect too. Such as turning people in to giant pillars of cotton candy.

  Having had two failed attempts through chemistry, the scientists were ready to try a new direction. Biology. The concept was simple. Breed a plant that would produce a musk like smell then those oils could simply be extracted from the plant. This experiment was deemed a failure once the plants started trying to eat the scientists.

  After so many failures, the Axe board of directors decided that losing millions upon millions of dollars was simply unacceptable. Especially, without even the smallest hint of success. It took a long night of intense debating, but they finally decided it was time to pull the plug.

  On their way to dismiss the scientists, the board members were stunned to see a young man wearing a ripped UPS t-shirt swinging a long lamp stand at a group of four woman. The man kept yelling, "Leave me alone" while the women desperately reached for him and clawed at his clothes.

  Eureka! This was what the board members had been looking for. This is what they were looking for. The kind of passion and lust they wanted their body sprays to inspire. The board members quickly rescued the UPS driver and brought him to the scientists.

  For the next 48 hours, the UPS driver had every test ran on him that could be imagined. Yet they couldn't find what it was about the man that had caused the woman to respond as they did. There was nothing overly special or unique about him. Nothing that the tests revealed anyway.

This new scent from Axe
has already sold one
million cans 

  Thinking they had reached another dead end, the scientists thanked the UPS driver for his time and asked one of the interns to bring the man his clothes. Like most interns, she wasn't happy with having to the seemingly non-important work. Little did she know she was about to help make the biggest, most important discovery in the history of relationships. The source for the purest, most uncorrupted form of musk known to mankind...The gym sock.

  It took less than a day for the scientists to confirm that the gym sock was indeed the ultimate source for lust inducing pheromones. Even less time passed before Axe had produced its first batch of new Gym Sock scented body spray and started distributing it to stores. Now, a week later, the Axe company has entered into what some financial analysts would call a new golden age.

  Not to just sit back, pat themselves on the back and relax, Axe scientists are already experimenting with jock straps and dirty underwear to see if they too might produce a similar powerful musk.    

  When asked how far a long the research on the underwear and jock straps were, the scientists simply said, "We really can't discuss it. What we can say is this. Look out ladies. Things are about to get crazy."

Crazy indeed.

Happy Halloween

Can't Ketchup

  Here is a quick one for you tonight folks. Sometimes I like to offer up a little advice so you, my loyal readers, don't make the same mistakes I do. Here is tonight's lesson.

  I was going to my girlfriend's house after work and it was really late. After the day I had just had, I didn't feel like cooking anything but I still wanted something that could warm my belly. So, I stopped at McDonald's and got a small fry. Luckily, this wasn't one of those McDonald's that was open all night, but only served like 5 things. You could get whatever you wanted off the menu.

  So, after getting my fries I quickly drove to my girlfriend's house. I was probably doing like 15 mph over the speed limit, but my reason for speeding was valid. Who wants to eat cold french fries? Not, I said this guy.

  In record time, I was at the table about to eat when I realized I hadn't grabbed any ketchup. Fries need ketchup like Taylor Swift needs ex-boyfriends to write songs about. This would be the first time I used her ketchup and honestly, I had no idea where she kept. I scanned the fridge about four times before my eyes caught the glimpse of the word, Heinz. Bingo.

  Heinz 57. You can't do much better than that when it comes to ketchup. Oh, and she is super classy. she didn't have one of those plastic bottles. She had the glass bottle.

  Now armed with ketchup, I went back to my seat and shook out a little bit. Like I said, it wasn't my ketchup so I wasn't just going to shake it all on to my plate.

  I ate everything then was starting to put away the ketchup and my pop when my girlfriend came downstairs and asked what I was up to.

  "Just putting away your ketchup," I said.

  She looked at me kind of weird for about a moment then said, "Um.... that's not my ketchup."

  What did she mean it wasn't... I looked at the label on the bottle. It said, Heinz...ha..oh, wait. There was no 57 after the Heinz. Instead what followed the Heinz was the word Original Cocktail.

  Yep, not ketchup.

  So, what did I learn tonight? One. If you aren't familiar with your girlfriend's refrigerator, ask the guy in the drive thru for ketchup. Two. Cocktail sauce doesn't taste all that bad on french fries.

Pumpkin Art... How Sweet It Is

My girlfriend was given a pumpkin to decorate for work. I knew she would make something awesome, but what she made went way beyond that in my opinion.  Check out her amazing pumpkin

Christmas Needs To Learn Boundaries

  Okay, seriously? Is that really snow? Yep, that is totally snow. What the crap is going on here? I really think someone needs to sit Snow Miser down and explain to him what boundaries are.

  I have come to accept the fact that as soon as we enter into October, you will be able to find one or two Christmas related decorations on the store shelves. But what I don't understand is how when you go back to that same store through out the month, they go from having just a few things to a couple shelves to an entire section. If you were to go to Wal-mart right now, you might be shocked to discover that there are already three entire aisles dedicated to Christmas.

  You know what Christmas is? Christmas is that guy who after only a few days of dating starts leaving a tooth brush at your house. The next time he comes over he forgets a dvd or two. After he stays the weekend, you find a couple t-shirts and a pair of jeans folded up in your closet. Finally, at the end of the month you are walking through your house and you ask yourself, "Was there always a hat hanging there? Did I always have a statue of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in the kitchen? I'm pretty sure there wasn't always a tv in this bathroom."

  Little by little he sneaks his way into your life unless you put a stop to it. This is what I think someone needs to do to the Snow Miser. I'm sure Santa Claus put him up to it, but Snow Miser needs to stand up for himself and not let himself be bullied.

  They need to explain to him that there shouldn't be any snow falling in October. People shouldn't even be thinking of snow yet. They should be thinking of going to pumpkin patches and apple orchards. Maybe he doesn't understand that by sending snow so early that he ruined the weekend plans of so many families. He needs to understand that snow falling and these super cold temperatures is not acceptable and should only start occurring towards the end of November. Any time after Thanksgiving would be an appropriate starting point.

  I wish I knew how to get a hold of Mother Nature, because I will bet you she has no idea he is trying to sneak his cold in so early. And I will bet even more money that she has already gotten on his case about doing this very thing sometime in the past.

  For now, I am going to go to bed, because this is just to much to deal with at the moment. When I wake up I expect someone to have set this situation straight. Heaven help me, if I have to scrape the windows of my truck in the morning....someone is getting a serious talking to. Do you hear me Snow Miser!!!

Things Not To Bring Up At Dinner With Jason

Down Economy Takes Toll On Summer Camps

  Every day we hear about how people and businesses are still struggling through this difficult economy.

  We see news reports about fathers and mothers begging on the streets for money so they can provide their children with just a few scraps of food before they put them to bed at night.

  Newspapers and magazines show us pictures of factories that have been around for generations having to shut their doors for good.

  These images evoke not only our deepest sympathies, but also serve to remind us of how lucky we are.

  What these images and reports don't show is the whole story. Where are the pictures of the hockey masks and machetes just sitting on the store shelves collecting dust. How about the videos showing escaped mental patients speeding away in cars? Where are those at?

  No where. That's where they are. People seem to forget that a down economy affects everyone. Even those who may not always be in the public eye.

Jason before the economy dropped

  I'm talking about those all to often over-looked summer camp killers. At one time landing a job as a summer camp killer paid as well as getting a job at some Fortune 500 companies... of course, that was close to 20 years ago. Now a summer camp killer is lucky to get minimum wage.

  "It used to be that every summer camp in the United States and Canada had their very own summer camp killer," Jason Voorhees said, possibly the most famous summer camp killer in history. "Now, there are maybe 23 of left."

  When the bottom fell out of the economy many summer camps were forced to cut their staff. The first to go were the life guards then nurses, camp counselors and finally the summer camp killers.

  Some summer camps tried to hold onto their killers by trying to work out deals such as having the summer camp killer pay for his/her own tools. But machetes, drills, bow and arrows, etc. are just way to expensive to keep buying over and over again.

  "I know when things got real bad some summer camp killers pooled their money to hire one summer camp killer who would spend just a week or two at each other camps," Jason explained. "Kind of like a time share summer camp killer."

  While this method proved effective for a little bit, eventually these time share summer camp killers couldn't afford the high gas prices of driving from camp to camp.

  Many summer camp killers were forced to seek other occupations such as McDonald's managers, sport store associates and politicians.

  "Yeah, I'm still working as a summer camp killer but its definitely not like it was in the old days," Jason said starring wistfully out the at the lake he had drowned in all those years ago. "Now, I mostly just scare people which I feel isn't fair to them. They deserve better."

  With the economy slowly starting to turn around maybe its not to crazy to hope that some day in the near future we will once again see summer camp killers trudging through the forests wildly swinging a machete or hiding under camp counselors beds.

  What a glorious day that will be.

Celebration of Pumpkins

Hey, You Can''t Run Here. There's A Race Going On

  As a nerd with a healthy appreciation for all things random, I live my life walking that thin line between what is logical and the illogical.

  Most people tend to look at you with more than just a little skepticism when you tell them that the illogical is just as likely to be true as the logical.

  I mean just because something doesn't make sense at first doesn't mean it isn't logical. It could simply mean we haven't found the right way to look at it or current knowledge isn't capable of explaining what we are seeing.

  So, when someone tells me about something that couldn't possibly make sense, I just smile. Who's to say what can and can't be discovered simply through the act of keeping an open mind.

  I have long held the belief that as long as one keeps an open mind there is nothing that can't eventually be explained...That is until today.

  My girlfriend and her family are very into running. At least, the majority of them are.

  In just a few weeks, her mom, dad and she are going to the Wisconsin Dells to take part in one of those themed fun runs I had just written about in a past post.

  This one has a cowboy and cowgirl theme. Which means for a sizable registration fee you get a cowboy hat, a handkerchief and the chance to run a 5k at 8 a.m. on a Saturday morning.

  I try to support my girlfriend in everything she does. Even things that start at 8 a.m. on a Saturday morning.

  She told me about a few spots along the race route where I could watch and cheer her on. I told her I would do her one better. Forget being a glorified cheerleader standing on the sidelines. I would run along with her.

  Now, rather than spend the next 20 paragraphs typing 'she said' and 'I said', I think I'm just going to switch to a scripted dialogue format for a bit. Trust me, it will just make things so much easier.

   GF:   You can't run. Registration is closed
   ME:  Well, I don't need the hat and all that stuff. I'll just run along side of you and keep you company.
   GF:   You can't do that.
   ME:   I can't just run along side you?
   GF:   Nope. It's illegal.
   ME:   Illegal?
   GF:   Yep.
   ME:   How is it illegal?
   GF:    Because you aren't registered. So, it would be a security risk.
   ME:   But its just running. They can't stop me from running.
   GF:    That's what sister thought. She was going to just run along with my mom at a race. Then just
               as the race started the police stepped in and stopped my sister. They told her she had to leave.
   ME:   That doesn't make sense. All she was doing was running. Running can't be illegal.
   GF:   It is when it is a privately sponsored event. You can run on the sidewalk though.
   ME: What the Frak!

These police officers are taunting those who can't run

  At this point, the subject changed to something about beef tips I think. I don't fully remember. mostly because I was still trying to figure out how running can be illegal. Whether it is a privately sponsored event or not shouldn't matter.

  The city may technically own the streets, but its our tax dollars that helped build and repair them. So, if I want to run in the street, I'm going to run in the street. Let's see them try and stop me.

  As far as they know, I am just your average city dweller out enjoying the day by going for a short run.

  This is supposed to be America. Land of the free and home to people who want to run. But apparently not if there is a race already going on. Then you need to just find a spot along the sidelines and cheer, because God help you if you take one step that resembles anything close to that of a runner's stride.

  A police office with maybe a little too much to prove will yell out, "Hey you. You can't run here. There's a race going on." And should you choose to ignore him, he might just shoot you in the leg and claim you were trying to flee.

  When it comes to supporting my girlfriend, I think I will gladly fulfill my role as her sideline cheerleader. It may not be as impressive as running a 5k, but then again, no one is going to shoot me for running either. I'll call that a win for logic.

Spock Keeping It Real

The Fun Run Concept

  Has anyone else noticed that quirky themed 'fun runs' have become about as synonymous with the fall season as Miley Cyrus has become with power tools.

Tis The Season Fun Run 2008

  Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the fun run concept. In fact, I'm quite in
favor of it.

  I can say for a fact that if you tell me I have to spend $25 to $50 to wake up at 6 a.m. just to put on a pair of spandex shorts and a t-shirt so I can go out in to the cold and run a 5k, I  will most likely throw the nearest thing at your head. FYI - you will only find a radio, a tv remote and a smartphone on my night stand. I'm just saying.

  However, if you throw some costume at me and tell me every one else is dressing up in costume for some specially themed 5k then you have a much better chance of getting me out of bed. Especially, if I get a cool event t-shirt or hat at the end, just for participating.

  Another factor that makes fun runs so much better than other running events is the fun names. I would much rather participate in the Ugly Sweater Fun Run than the Gatorade 5k. The ladder even sounds boring. In researching this post, and by that i mean just Googling the phrase 'fun run', I came across dozens of listings for upcoming runs just in Wisconsin alone.

  Here's a sample of some of the names I found. Paws Fur A Cause. The Bunny Hop 5k. Shamrock Shuffle. Abominable Frostbite.  Schoolhouse Rock and Run. Mudchug Wisconsin 5k. The Cupcake Run. Wisconsin Zombie Mud Run 5k. Run Turkey Run. The Santa Hustle. The Jingle Bell Run.

  Honestly, I would run in anyone of those. In fact, I even marked a few that I will mostly likely try to talk some people into doing with me. Can I just say, the Cupcake Run is probably my favorite. Mostly, because I am picturing a person running backwards in front of me holding a fishing rod with a cupcake dangling from the end of it.

  The only negative thing I can say about the fun runs is that themes seem to get repeated quite a bit. I found at least five fun runs with a Santa theme just in Wisconsin alone. There were three turkey themed fun runs and seriously, the amount of zombie fun runs is literally untrackable.

  With so many themes starting to repeat themselves. I thought I would offer up a few suggestions of my own.

   1.  The Bun Run  -  I figure by now people have to be tired of dressing up in spandex shorts or ugly sweaters and in a few cases, Speedos. So, I figure, why not wear something that just screams summer fun...buns. That's right buns. Dress up as your favorite food. Anything is acceptable as long it comes in a bun. Some people might dress up as a hamburger or a chicken sandwich. There might even be a few sub sandwiches. I, however, will be going with the classic Chicago style hot dog.

   2.  The Godzilla Dash  -  I think just the name alone gives you a major hint as to what this run is about. Ever since I was 10, I have been in love with the Godzilla movies. Seriously, what's not to love. Giant monsters doing battle and destroying major cities and countries in the process. And best of all, there is always that one scene where Godzilla or which ever monster first enters the city then they quickly cut to people in the street just losing their shit. I have always wanted to be that one guy out of the mob who stops right in front of the camera, puts his hands on his cheeks and screams.

   3.  The Constipation Run  -  It may not be a pretty picture, and I'm not really sure one needs to be painted for you. I find at the mere mention of the word, constipation, peoples minds already begin creating all sorts of images. All of which, I'm sure, are way worse than anything I could come up with. The concept of this run is so unique, I challenge anyone to find anything similar already out there. For this run, you can wear anything you like. Shorts, jeans, sweat pants, a snuggie...its all gold. There are only two requirements. First, you must wear a pair of boxers around your ankles. This will help to create that  And the other is you need to carry a roll of toilet paper as you run. The special thing about this race is that there is another element. At the end of the 5k is a giant blue porta-potty. The first person to make it to the porta-potty gets a $50 gift card to Taco Bell.

  There you go. Three great ideas on how to put the fun back in fun run. Will anyone ever use them? Who can say. I realize some of the ideas may be a little powerful and new, but imagine the fun people would have. To attract new people to running, you have to not only show them that it can be fun, but that it is daring and a alive. If we refuse to do this, who else do we have to blame but ourselves, when people decide to start walking.

12 Things To Do While On Furlough

  I have a friend who was recently placed on furlough. He was a little mad at first given that he has three kids and wants to keep food in their mouths, but he eventually saw a silver lining. There was a lot of things he needed to fix or do around his house and was going to use this as a time to catch up on it all.

  Two days later, and he called me asking me if I wanted to do something. When I asked what happened to all the chores he had, he told me they were all done. Now, he was just sitting around bored and not sure how to keep busy.

  I thought about this and felt a little sad for my friend. So, I sat down one night and came up with some things that anyone on furlough can do to help keep them busy and feeling productive.

  1.  Find four teenage mutant hamsters and start a dupstep group.

  2.  Call every government office you can and when asked to leave a message, inquire as to 'What does the fox say?'. Perhaps give them an example of how you think a fox may sound.

  3.  Develop an internet search engine and call it, "Bitch, Please!"

  4.  Do you hate your boss or someone else in your office? Now is the perfect time to find a fellow hater and learn to speak a foreign language. That way you can openly mock and no one will now what you are saying.

  5.  Learn magic, then go up to strangers and pull rabbits out from behind their ears.

  6.  Go to the adult room in the video store and take out all the porn dvds, and replace them all with copies of the classic Disney movie, Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

  7.  Begin writing crossover fan fiction that combines Breaking Bad with The Facts of Life. Ms. Garrett finds out the girls have been selling blue meth.

  8.  Drive around and find Amish riding in a horse and buggy, and challenge them to a drag race.

  9.  Put on a red wig, pancake make up and big red shoes. Next walk into any McDonald's and demand to speak to Ronald McDonald. Make a fuss when they say he's not there. Do this until they get ready to kick you out then yell, "I won't leave until my dead beat father comes out here and talks to me." You'll either get kicked out or get free food for life in hopes of silencing you.

10.  Get to work on a bill that will require all male politicians to wear BeDazzled speedos at all times while in office.

11.  Watch every episode ever made of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and the explain to me why I should care what they are up to.

12.  Take up ninja bear wrestling. It has a year long season and who doesn't like watching a bear leap into the air and spin kick a man across the face. Bruce Grizzly vs Ted.

Breaking Bad Woes

The Loop Hole

  So, here's a fun conversation to have with your boss as soon as you get to work.

  Worker:  Where am I working today?
  Plant Manager (PM): You're late.
  Worker:  What? I'm not late. I punched in at 2:55 pm. I don't start till 3 pm. By my estimation, I'm really 5 minutes early.
  PM:  The handbook says, "Be at your machine and ready to work by 3 pm". You didn't get here till 3:03 pm. That's why I'm marking you as late.
  Me:  What's this handbook you keep speaking of? I don't think I've ever seen... a 'handbook', was it?
  PM:  You got a copy of it when you started working here. I suggest you go home and read it. You lose half a point for being late today. You may want to review how the punch in system works.
  Me: You may want to go back to your office and remove that giant stick from your butt.

A re-enactment of the "discussion" my boss had with me.

  Okay, I might not have said that last part... Out loud anyways. But rest assured loyal readers, I was definitely thinking it.

  In case you weren't able to read between the lines and put two and two together, the person who got in trouble was yours truly.

  I know, shocking right. Although, I still don't consider myself as being late. I was punched in before 3 pm. So, in my sane and unbiased opinion, I was on time.

  For most people, this would simply be a case of 'you say tomato / I say tomato'. I, on the other hand, was not going to just shrug it off, turn the other cheek or just bend over.

  By the plant manager making such an erroneous claim, a gauntlet had been thrown down. Whether he meant to throw it or not. There it laid at my feet, reflecting the fluorescent light from the ceiling up into my eyes.

  I felt like I was falling victim to the Ghost Rider's Penance stare. But instead of forcing me to relive all my greatest sins, the light was instead revealing all the evils my plant manager had perpetrated over the years in the name of profit.

  This was no longer about merely bring accused of being late. This was about Justice, and avenging all the poor souls that had been wronged by this fiend.

  I bent over and picked up that gauntlet. And even after I took it in my hand it continued to glow. However, now it glowed with the light of justice. Tapping power even i didn't know I had, I swung that gauntlet with the force of a 1,000 sharknados. As soon as the gauntlet connected, the plant manger flew backwards and crashed through a giant office window. I wasn't sure if he was okay or no, but from under all that shattered glass I could hear the words, 'forgive me' being muttered through the sobbing.

  Again, sadly, none of that actually happened. That was all from a blissful dream that would come later that night.

  In reality, we simply starred each other down for a few tense and uncomfortable moments then walked away.

  I'm not sure what he was thinking about as he plopped into his big, comfy leather office chair, but my thoughts were very clear. I needed to find a copy of this 'alleged' handbook as soon as possible.

  In case you were wondering 'as soon as possible' ended being a very long three hours.

  I would like to say I snuck into an empty office and hacked their computer system to find the handbook, but all I really ended up doing was walking up to my supervisor and asking him if we really do have a handbook. We did.

  Take note my friends, when you prepare to challenge authority, you want to keep your investigations as secret as possible. So, this time I really did find an empty office. Once inside I turned off the lights, pulled a blanket over my head and turned on my trusty Scooby Doo themed flashlight.

  I love reading most things, but you put a manual in front of me or a handbook and my brain shuts down about 90% of it's functions. So, getting through this entire handbook was no easy task. I think I might have fallen asleep like five times. One time I'm pretty sure I snored. Basically, this is how the handbook was set up.

  The first 10 pages were pretty standard stuff. They mostly outlined the consequences for skipping work, dress codes and the importance of the non-disclosure agreement we signed. (FYI - I also don't recall seeing or signing this either.)

  The next 3 pages laid out what to do in case we have an accident that creates a giant mutant monster. There was also a page or two dedicated to dealing with ghosts of long dead employees and how to identify a Hellmouth.

  Finally, it was in the last three pages that I found my Holy Grail. Under the heading, 'The Dos and Don'ts of the Time Clock' was this line:

     'All employees must be at their designated work station by their scheduled work time.'

  Needless to say, I was a little bummed about the plant manager being right about needing to be at my machine by 3 pm.

  Ugh! I could almost hear his annoying voice now. Just repeating over and over, "Be at your machine by 3pm." Just the thought of it made me contemplate sticking my head inside one of the furnaces.

  I re-read the policy again just to make sure I didn't miss anything. This time when I read it, I also had the plant manger in my head taunting me.

  Suddenly, it occurred to me that what I was reading and what the plant manager was repeating in my head didn't match up.

  Yes, the part about being on my machine by 3 pm was correct, but I didn't see anything about having to be ready to work.

  In fact, its pretty vague as far as policies go. Sure, be at the machine by 3 pm, but what am I supposed to do once I'm there. Should I work? Should I preform puppet shows? Should I twerk on the machine? There are literally thousands upon millions of things I could do. Working apparently does not have to be one of them.

  Armed with this new knowledge, I made my way to the plant manager's office. Stopping only long enough to buy a Rice Krispie Treat.

  I stood outside his window for second and saw that he was on the phone. That didn't matter to me. I swung open his office door and tossed the handbook on to his desk. He quickly said, 'goodbye' to the person on the other end then hung up his phone.

  This is the conversation that followed:

  Me:  So, look what I found.
  PM:  Okay.
  Me:  You were right. It does say I need to be at my machine by 3 pm.
  PM:  Did you think I was making that up or something?
  Me:  Doesn't really matter, because according to this book I just need to be at my machine by 3. It doesn't say I have to be ready to work. At least, that's what your precious handbook says. And since I did walk through my machine's area before 3 pm. I wasn't late.
  PM:  (Opens the handbook and reads) Okay, it might not say it, but it is fully implied.
  Me:  Nope, the handbook says on the first page that, 'these policies are to be followed as stated in the handbook and are not subject to interpretation.' Which means you may have to reprint your handbook, but for right now I would expect you to be a man of honor and undo the mark you put on my record.

  And with that. I turned and walked out of his office. Did he actually take the mark off my record? I honestly have no idea. All I know is that on that day, I scored a victory for the every day man. The man who puts his pants on one leg at a time and now and then enjoys a few onion rings from Burger King, because they have the awesome Zesty dipping sauce.

The Halloween Coasters Have Arrived

My favorite time of year is finally here. And in celebration I have been busy making up a few new coaster sets that definitely reflect the spirit of the season. A little fun. A little scary. And maybe even a little weird.

All these sets are available at etsy.com/shop/campcoaster

The Walking Dead Collection

The Universal Monsters Collection

The Psych Halloween Special

SharkNado - Enuff Said

Halloween Patterns

Bald Is Not Always Beautiful

  Okay, so before I get to today's post, there are two things I want to say.

  First of all, I want to apologize for the lack of new content. I know it has been a while since I posted something new, but both my personal and work life got a little crazy there for a bit. Lucky for me, everything seems to have finally worked themselves out... For now anyway.

  The second thing I wanted to say actually kind of leads right into the main point of today's post. It is directed to the guy standing in the men's shaving supplies aisle wearing the ripped concert t-shirt who offered me some advice on my personal appearance. To this man I would like to say, "Thank you for the advice and your oddly placed concern, but seriously, not everyone looks good completely bald." 

  I mean it, totally bald men of the world. "Bald is not for everyone." Accept it and move on. 

  I'm not sure why, but it seems that recently how much or how little hair I have left on the top of my head has become quite the topic of interest among completely bald guys or CBGs.

  It seems that having a partial head of hair is completely unacceptable by CBG standards. I'm not sure why. Maybe they see it as a painful reminder of something they once had or maybe they were somehow traumatized by hair when they were younger and now spend their whole lives trying to rid the world of the scourge known as hair. My other theories involve the CBGs all being part of some New World Order cult, them believing that the hair on some people's heads are actually an alien life form bent on taking over the world and they feel that all hair is constantly taunting them and flipping them the bird. I know the last few theories are kind of a stretch but you never can never be too sure.

  All I know is that hair has somehow affected these people so strongly that it causes them to want to convert every partially bald person they see to a CBG. So needless to say my encounters with a CBG are nothing sort of interesting and predictable about.

  Here is how those interactions go. I see the CBG approach and instantly I start to mentally prepare myself. We exchange greetings that are pleasant enough, but the longer we talk, the more I see the CBG's eyes move up my face to the top of my head. Now it just becomes creepy because they are still talking to me but the are no longer looking me in the eyes. Just at the top of my partially bald head. I always feel so exposed, but I dig deep and try to act like nothing completely odd and creepy is going on. Then it happens... they go completely silent and just stare at the top of my head. I quickly take a deep breath because I know what is about to come next...."You know, you should just shave it all off and grow and little goatee or beard. You would look so much better," the CBG says. Ugh!!!

  Now I get to spend the next few minutes with the biggest fake smile on my face while I try to explain how horrible I would look as CBG. As I said earlier, for some reason the CBGs think everyone would look amazing totally bald as long as they grow a beard or a goatee. Here's the thing though. That look only works if you have a decent amount of muscle. Because lets face it. Even if you look like someone hit you with the "ugly shovel", now one is going to say anything out of fear of getting their butt handed to them.

  Personally, I have never gone totally bald, but I have come close with a very close buzz cut. And you know what. I tried the whole little facial hair thing and guess what. Forget the ugly shovel, I looked like someone hit me with the ugly truck. I do not have an attractive head. There's bumps and a few scars up there. Nothing that is going to make the anyone go, "Oh, it was such a wise idea for him to shave off all his hair." No. They are going to either run in terror or proceed to mock me, deservedly so.

  The best part is I work with two CBGs and every day I go through this whole 'song-and-dance' at least twice. There is no escaping it and there is no convincing a CBG that not everyone looks good totally bald. All you can do is smile and nod and stick to your guns...Although, I have been experimenting with just faking a fainting spell while talking to them.

  So, to all the CBGs out there I thank you for your concern... but I'm doing okay. And I just want to say...."Oh look there goes a partially shaved poodle."