Dorthy Gets A Shock

Doctor Who Memes

Here's Your Sign

  So, I think it's safe to assume all campgrounds have a certain number of rules they expect you to follow. I think this one might have a little more than most.

Transformers: Age of Extinction - A Need To Know Fact

  Too be honest, the thought of writing a review of the newest toy commercial / movie in the Transformers series, Transformers: Age of Extinction, never really crossed my mind. Sure, I figured I would end up doing a meme or two, but that was the extent of my time I planned on devoting to the movie... That is until I went to see it.

  I still don't plan on reviewing the movie, because really what is there to say. If you go to a Transformers movie you all ready know what to expect: Lots of explosions, some cheesy dialogue and Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots on a massive scale. What you may not be expecting is a movie that clocks in at 165 minutes. I know I wasn't.

  If I had known the movie was going to be that long, I definitely would not have bought the large drink. Seriously, there needs to be a sign at the concession counter stating, "The movie you are about to see is close to three hours long. If you don't have an aisle seat, you may want to consider getting a small drink."

  About two hours into the movie, the realization that my bladder was losing the battle against the Diet Coke I kept sipping on suddenly sank in. I spent the next hour trying to think of a way to casually sneak past everyone else in the row without looking like I had just been shot in the stomach. Because as all men know, when you have to go to the bathroom that bad, you don't walk like you normally do. Instead, you hunch over a little bit, move really slow and wince with every step you take.

   I figured it would take me roughly 15 minutes just to make it from my seat to the end of the row and to the aisle. So, I decided to suck it up and hold it. Not the wisest decision I had ever made.

  When the first ending credit hit the screen, I intended to launch up out of my seat and on to my feet, but that didn't happen. I actually had to have my girlfriend help me up. And as I rose, I saw men all around me struggling to do the same. This meant only one thing... the race was on.

  Like new born giraffes trying to learn to walk, men were limping and stumbling to beat one another to the ultimate prize. A spot at one of four stalls in the bathroom. As I made my way up the aisle to the doors that opened up to the lobby, I could hear my girlfriend yelling behind me, "Go! Go! Go!"

  What she didn't realize was that I was already going as fast as I could. I'm pretty sure my grandpa who used a walker to get around could have easily passed me.

  When I finally made it to the bathroom (I came in second place by the way)
all you could hear was a sigh of relief from four men that was so intense in volume and force that it could have shattered glass. And at the end, I walked out of that bathroom feeling renewed, alive and like a survivor.

  Sure, the movie finally gave us the Dinobots we have been craving to see, but all I really took from the movie was this lesson... long movie = small drink. Its a simple equation that will save you a lot of pain.
 

Help Stop Babies From Car Surfing

Life Tips From Lord Dark Helmet

The most powerful Spaceball in the galaxy, Lord Dark Helmet offers up some advice on how to deal with slow drivers by sharing his method for peacefully dealing with such meager distractions.

Alabama Church Uses Hitler and Hoover To Inspire

  I know religion has finally embraced the idea of advertising in an attempt to fill more seats on Sundays which I think is a great and creative concept. The only problem is, I really think some churches may want to consider hiring a professional.  Someone who can capture the hearts of the people without offending anyone.

  Did you hear that, Life Savers Ministries in Alabama? Its okay to ask for help. In fact, I'm begging you to do it. Or at the least, go with your gut feeling when it tells you something might not be quite right. That way, you might put a quote from Herbert Hoover up on your billboard to start with instead of one from Adolf Hitler. 

  

All Your Shopping Needs In One Place

5 Things I Thought About While On My Lunch Break

Here are five things I thought about while sitting in my truck and enjoying this amazing weather.

     1.  I bet werewolves use an insane amount of Nair.

     2.  I know its possible to deep fry a Twinkie, but what about a Ho-Ho or Ding Dong.

     3.  Do all guys wish when they are stuck in a traffic jam that their car could transform into a flying car and attack those poor land locked cars?

     4.  Why don't they make bikini tops for men who have a little extra in the pectoral region. They could call them bro-kinis or his-kinis.

     5.  What do you think would happen if you texted a picture of your butt to the President of the United States and added 'LOL'? Do you think he would get mad or smile because you put 'LOL'?

The Real World: Illustra - Eyes On Who

Here is this weeks excerpt from The Real World: Illustra.

  This is the true story... of several heroes... picked to live in a state of the art beach house... and have their lives taped... to find out what happens... when people stop being polite... and start getting real... The Real World... Illustra.

Zombies Like Hugs Too

I couldn't sleep so I tried making some zombies.

Godzilla And The Beach

The Real World: Illustra - The Peanut Butter Incident

  Here is this weeks excerpt from The Real World: Illustra.

  This is the true story... of several heroes... picked to live in a state of the art beach house... and have their lives taped... to find out what happens... when people stop being polite... and start getting real... The Real World... Illustra.

Donkey Kong Blues

The Sideways Smile

  Have you ever found yourself sort of dreamily drifting through the day only to suddenly realize not only has nothing gone wrong, but everything is going impossibly right.

  You seem to find large amounts of money in the strangest of places. Everyone at work brings in cookies for no special occasion. You get a raise at your job. People whistle and ‘check you out’ wherever you go. Dogs and cats bow at your feet. You swear the air around you smells oddly like watermelon flavored Jolly Ranchers. Casting agents want you for the newest soap opera. And you win every time you do one of those instant win lottery scratch off tickets. It’s the perfect day.

  And as you walk down the sidewalk contemplating your good fortune, you happen upon an elderly gentleman bent over tying his shoes.

  Immediately you freeze. You can’t believe your seeing what you’re seeing. This can’t be happening. Not on your perfect day.

  Moments ago you were thinking of surprising your girlfriend or boyfriend with a romantic trip to Las Vegas and how all you can think about is the old man’s butt crack that’s pointed right at you.

  Its not fair. You didn’t ask to see it yet there it is peeking up at you. Mocking you. There really should be a law about who can and can’t show their butt crack or what is better known as the sideways smile.

  For instance, when your plumber comes over you expect to see the sideways smile. Its almost part of their 

uniform. You don’t, however, expect to catch your grandma flashing you ‘the smile’.

  Here’s a list of ten other people who’s sideways smiles you probably want to avoid at all costs, or risk having to burn out your eyes.

1.        Your dentist

2.       Your priest, rabbi, bishop or any other religious figure. (Except for the Pope. I just think it would be funny)

3.       The President of the United States

4.       Your server at the restaurant

5.       The health inspector

6.       A cop giving you a ticket

7.       The greeter at Wal-mart

8.       A manure inspector

9.       Your mom ( Sadly, its totally legal for dad's to show theirs. For some reason.)

10.   Someone who is known to have bad gas

No Peep Left Behind

  Just Born, the makers of those magnificently marvelous masterpieces known as Peeps, held a press conference today to announce the implementation of their zero waste policy.

  This means that like the great hunters of yore, Just Born will let no grain of flavored sugar go to waste.

  It's thanks to this policy that Just Born will soon be able to introduce three new products into their line of Peeps products.

     Peeps Chick Feed are small bags of sugar that kids can feed to their Peeps to help them grow up big and strong. This comes in a variety of colors and flavors.

     Peeps Poops are delicious chocolate treats collected fresh daily from the cages the Peeps live in. Its then melted down and molded into fun shapes kids everywhere are sure to enjoy.

     Peeps Zombies are those Peeps that end up looking not quite right after they are made.  Thanks to some fluke the head maybe flat or they might have a chunk missing out of the side. Normally, these Peeps are just melted back down and re-molded, but now thanks to the 'no waste policy' these Peeps get packaged up and get a second chance at life.

  Personally, I'm excited for all three of these products. However,  one man's love does not a successful product make.  I  suppose we will find out eventually how well these products are received.  And I'm  guessing if the response is positive we will see even more additions to this new eco friendly line which could be pretty interesting.

 
 

    

Tear It Up Clothing

  Riddle me, this my cunning blog reading friends. What do you get when you combine a guy who is more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt with a guy who has to dress up more now than in his entire life?

  Some would say you get a really happy woman, because you know that’s the only thing that would get him to dress up. And nothing says I like you more than showing up to your girlfriend’s friend’s baptism in a suit rather than acid washed jeans with the knees tore out and a denim vest.

  The people guessing that would be so close. So very, very close. Too bad we all know ‘close’ only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and farting.

  If you want to know the true answer to the riddle, you only have to wait until June… because that’s when I’ll be releasing my new business/ casual/ sports clothing line called, Tear It Up Clothing.

  That's right. I'm a fashion designer now. And do you know why I'm a fashion designer?

  (Pause for a series of wrong guesses.) 

  Nope. Those were all good guesses, but the real reason is that dress clothes are the most uncomfortable things to wear. And they take forever to get in and out of. They're like evil Chinese Finger Cuffs of Death. The more you struggle, the tighter they get.

  So, even when you do finally manage to get out of church or escape from that long boring wedding, its still going to take you at least 15 minutes to work your way out of all those buttons, straps, fasteners and belts.

  By the time you finally manage to get completely out of your dress clothes it will be too late. The beaches will have closed, the sun will have set and someone will have turned on all those sparkling Christmas lights in the night sky.

  To me that is just way too much free time to let slip through the cracks. That, my friends, is the main reason why I am now a fashion designer, and why my clothing line will be such a tremendous success.

  Tear It Up Clothing combines the tear away technology first developed and used by athletes and strippers with well tailored suits and our old helpful friend, Velcro.

  Still having trouble wrapping your mind around this amazing concept. I get it. Its a lot to take in. Let me paint you a little picture.

  You've been sitting in church for at least eight hours. You witnessed two baptisms, a wedding and what you think was an exorcism. You've already lost half the day, but its so nice outside that you and girlfriend want to still do something. Maybe go hiking or biking or nude sun bathing or whatever makes you happy in the fresh air and sun. The problem is there are no bathrooms you can use to change your clothes and you live thirty minutes from the church so you don't want to go back home to change and lose even more outdoor time. So, what do you do?

  Its so simple its crazy when you have on your Tear It Up suit. Here's what you do.

     Step One:  Make sure other members of your  church can see you.

     Step Two:  Clear your throat loudly. If people still aren't looking call out, "Sexy man about to undress over here." That will for sure get their attention. 

     Step Three: Now that all eyes are on you, slowly and seductively bend over and grab each pant leg. Take a deep breath and then as you cry out "Ta-Da!" tear away both of your pant legs. You will now be left with a pair of comfortable and very fashionable shorts with perfect butt pockets.

     Step Four: Time to get rid of that jacket. This is done in just a few steps. Start by tearing off both sleeves. They will separate easily at the shoulders. Next, give that collar a good tug. It will come off taking that expensive Armani tie with it. Yep, they're attached for your convenience. Finally, grab the the dress shirt and lapels of your jacket where they meet in the center of your chest and pull. The jacket and dress shirt will fall away revealing whatever cool graphic tee you have on.

     Step Five: Take time to absorb all the 'oohs' and 'ahhs'. Don't forget to wave. Remember... you just became a hero to these people. Act the part.

     Step Six:  Change your shoes and socks then hit the road.

  All of this will take place in the span of ONLY three minutes. Now that is a suit that every man can get behind. Not only is it comfortable and makes you look good, but it gets you ready for the rest of the adventures you have planned for the day.

  Tear It Up suits cost between $150 to $700 and come in wide selection of sizes and colors. We even do customized orders. So, if you want a TARDIS or your girlfriend's face on your suit... we can do that. 

  We are currently taking pre-orders. Hurry! Supplies are limited (for now). So call and get yours now. Operators are standing by.

The Unofficial Official Hunger Games: Catching Fire Soundtrack

Taking Away The Flavor

  Luck. Some people seem to have it in abundance and others get attacked by rabid zombie squirrels every morning. That's just the way it is.

  But what about animals? Do you think they believe in concepts such as luck? You would think they have to, wouldn't you? For instance, a cat that gets to lay around all day, eat as much as it wants and get all the attention it craves has to feel way more lucky than a cow does... especially this morning.

  That's when the Food and Drug Administration announced  a nationwide recall on all flavored milk. It doesn't matter the brand or the flavor. It could be chocolate flavored, banana flavored or even bacon flavored. The FDA wants them all.

  The recall came about then some agencies for ethical treatment of animals began voicing their concern and disapproval regarding a new highly experimental, non FDA-approved method for adding flavoring to the milk.

  According to a report released by the FDA, the new method for adding flavor to the milk involves putting the cows through a radical dietary change.

  First, the amount of hay and feed they are given is cut in half. The next step is to determine what flavor of milk they would like the cow to produce. The third step involves replacing the missing hat and feed with whatever food or ingredient will help produce flavor they chose.

  For example, say you want your cow to produce Hersey's Chocolate Milk. Half of what you fed the cow would be hay and feed. The other half of the cow's diet would consist of Hersey's Chocolate Candy Bars.

  And the final step would be to collect and bottle the milk.

  The FDA assures us that there is nothing wrong with the flavored milk and it is completely safe to drink. The only reason for the recall, as previously stated, involved concern that the new diets and method for adding flavor may cause harm to the cows.

  Claims that drinking flavored milk will give you cool mutant abilities are completely unfounded and salacious.

  I, myself, have already drank seven 8 ounce glasses of Prairie Farms Jellybean Low Fat Milk, and all I've been able to do is levitate this stupid pencil in the air. That's not cool. Not at all.

  The good news is the FDA will only be halting production of flavored milk for two weeks. Just long enough for them to run some tests and to say the conducted a proper investigation.

  I hope they do it quickly. I'm already starting to go through withdrawal just knowing I'm not going to be able to find my Prairie Farms Chocolate Marshmallow milk.

What Not To Wear

  This weekend I am going to be Skyping with Pam's family. Which is kind of a big deal since I haven't met them yet. I really, really want to put a good foot forward and make a good first impression. The problem is, as you may all know, I have no fashion sense. Like 80% of my clothes are t-shirts and jeans. So, since they are here parents, I asked Pam to help me pick out some clothes. After all they are her parents. She should know what would impress them. After about five hours of searching my closet we (she) decided the best thing to do would be to just go buy a new outfit.

  Now, while I may not be able to tell you what to wear, I can definitely give you some examples of what not to put on.

  Below are some t-shirts Pam rejected immediately, tossed into a pile and told me to burn.