Just Plane Fun

  Okay, its official. The holidays are firmly upon us. Which means only one thing... travel. Whether it be by planes, trains or automobiles,  a recent survey conducted by the Souffle Institute discovered that 75% of the population are going somewhere.

  In my opinion having to travel by car or train is the way to go. Sure these modes of transport may not be the fastest,  but at least you have some say in what you can do.

  Cars, obviously, provide the most opportunity for freedom when it comes to travelling. The route you take, the music you listen to, the number of times you pull over and most importantly, the person who sits next to you is completely up to you. 

  Trains may not offer the same freedom that cars do, but you can still get away with quite a bit. For instance, you can get up and walk around whenever you want. And not just in your train car. You can walk from the front of the train all the way to the back if you want. Some trains even have snack or dinner cars in case you get hungry.

  Planes, in my opinion, are the least fun way to travel. Pretty much the only thing you have control over is whether you listen to your iPod or watch something on whatever it is you use to watch things while on the go.

  Also, You can only move around when they tell you you can. Which the last time I flew was for only a grand total of 15 minutes. Granted the plane had almost dropped out of the sky twice...but still.

  Not to mention all the fun of going to the airport. That place is nothing but security checks, long lines and angry people.

  If I can, I definitely try to avoid flying at all costs. Sadly, sometimes having to fly is just unavoidable.

  That's why over the last few years, I have come up with a few tricks to make flying a little bit more enjoyable.

Things to do at the terminal

- Those conveyor belt/ flat escalators can be a lot of fun. As soon as I get on it, I like to strike the Captain Morgan pose and see how long I can hold it without toppling over. Another fun thing to do is wait till you are about half way across then just start running in place. After a few moments yell out, 'Jane!!! Get me off this crazy thing.

- Another fun toy... I mean tool... airports have is the motorized luggage transport. You know the little golf cart looking thing. If you can manage to find one of these with the keys still in them grab it. Whenever I can obtain one, I like to pull a toga over my clothes and just drive it around the airport like it is my own personal chariot, waving to people and demanding that they bow.

- Checking in can be fun too. While they are processing all your stuff ask them if that ufo has come back. After they respond with a confused look and most likely, 'what?', just keep talking. Tell them you heard a big ufo was spotted over the airport and after it left two people were discovered missing.

-  Getting pulled aside by security for one of their random checks can even offer a chance for fun. Just as the person is about to frisk you,  in your softest bedroom voice say, 'wait...wait...do you have protection'.

- Even that horrible purgatory known as the waiting area can be fun. Find a row of 5 or more seats then ask people if they want to play musical chairs.

Things To Do On The Plane

- Pull that inflatable beach ball out of your carry on, blow it up and see how long you and your fellow passangers can keep it up in the air.

- Don't like the person sitting next to you, that one is pretty easy to fix and have fun with. One thing I do is tell the person I'm sitting next to that I had some really bad mexican food to eat and that my stomach is so not happy. The other is to tell the person that when you drink you get really handsy then immediately order two drinks.

- If you see one of the pilots ask them if they would mind taking a breathalyzer test.

- Try to get everyone to sing, Row Row Your Boat in the round.

- If the person sitting next to you is really annoying, just quickly stand up anf yell, 'how dare you!' Then throw a drink in the person's face. You will get a new seat right away.

  I have a few other suggestions that while fun to do... could lead to you being asked to leave the plane or being barred from ever flying again. So, I'll keep those to myself... except for this one.

- Wait in front of the cabin door, then as soon as it opens turn away, drop your pants and bent over a little and while shaking your half exposed sing out, 'Booty. Booty. Booty.'

  Follow these tips and great fun will be had by all. Or at the very least, by you.

Leaving On An Airplane

   Before I get to today's post, I figured now would be as good a time as any to announce that this coming Monday, I will be headed to Las Vegas baby.

  That’s right, you read correctly. This innocent Wisconsin boy is about to leave behind the corn fields, cold weather  and cheese curds for a week of penny slots, 90 degree weather and $50 all you can eat buffets.

  This is going to be my first visit to the City of Sin. Although, since the main reason I’m going there is for my brother’s wedding, so I think I’m going to start using one of its more family friendly names. Calling it the Entertainment Capitol of the World sounds way less creepy.

  Oh and speaking of creepy, can someone please explain to me why every time I shared I was going to Las Vegas, the other person would always inquire as to whether I was going to visit some of the prostitutes while I am there. It didn’t matter if it was a male or female, something involving prostitution was always the standard follow up question. Which leads me to believe either everyone I know is a little pervy or they all think I’m the one that is pervy.  I’m really hoping it’s the first one.

  Just to make sure there is more to do in Las Vegas than rent a couple prostitutes, I turned to my old friend…Google. Within minutes I found tons of things to do in and around the hotel I am staying at. There are some amazing shows, the M&M museum, light shows, other casinos and so much else to explore. I can’t tell you how I excited I am. It’s a shame I will probably die on my way  there.

  Oh yeah, I probably forgot to mention this at the start, but… I hate flying. “Why,” you ask. “It’s safer than driving.” That’s what people always tell me and that’s crap. When you take a trip in your car, you basically have three things that can happen. 1) You arrive at your destination with no problems. 2) You get into a wreck, but you are still okay. 3) you crash and die.

  When you fly there are really only two things that can happen. You either make it to your destination or you don’t. Because lets face it, if that plane drops out of the sky, you have a better chance of making Kristin Stewart smile than you do of living.

  For some reason, it had never occurred to me that this trip to Las Vegas would require me to fly. I sort of assumed we would be driving there. Sadly, I assumed wrong. Try as I might, my brother was not willing to make the trip by train, automobile or hot air balloon. I tried really hard to convince him that there would be nothing more romantic than taking a hot air balloon to the chapel. He disagreed. So, it seems I have little choice, but to get on that plane.

  What’s worse is I kind of have this habit of over analyzing a situation where I not only think of all the good things that could happen, but also of everything that could possibly go wrong.  Normally, I find one thing that I think will be the cause of disaster, but this time I found five. 

  People tell me if I just write out what these reasons are I will surely realize how insanely ridiculous  they are. I’m willing to give it a shot if there is any chance at all it will put my mind at ease.  So, listed below are the five most likely reasons my plane will crash on the way to Las Vegas.

1)      The pilot just broke up with Taylor Swift because she is to clingy, and rather than hear his good name tarnished in one of her  revenge themed break up songs, he decides to crash the plane into her  house.

2)      People say Twilight Zone: The Movie was just that, a movie, but I think it was a documentary. Especially the part where the gremlin/ demon thing is tearing apart  the engine and wing. I can so see that happening on my plane.

3)      Some bad airplane food infects everyone with the plague and the pilot is the first to succumb to the this horrible illness. With no one to fly the plane we all die.

4)      Justin Bieber will be on my flight and he will be totally hitting on the only flight attendant who isn’t interested in him. In all or nothing attempt to win her approval, Justin slaps her ass. The woman get so mad she slaps Justin harder than he has ever been hit before, but because he is so small, the slap lifts him up and out of his seat. He hits the door and breaks it open.  Justin gets sucked out of the airplane and the change in cabin pressure causes it to crash.

5)      King Kong or Godzilla knocks the plane out of the sky.

  Okay, so those are my main fears and writing them out has helped to realize something. These fears of mine couldn’t be more rational if Stephen Hawking himself had come up with them. Wish me luck  people. I should be back in town by Friday night if nothing goes wrong and the plane doesn’t explode into a fiery ball.