How To Become Famous

   Oh great, my stupid garbage disposal is broken, and by the amount of soap on my dishes, I am guessing my dish washer is nonfunctional as well. I informed the company I rent my apartment from of these issues like three months ago, and yet they remain in the same non-working condition. With barely enough money to buy something off the Dollar Menu at McDonald's I had to come up with another solution. A 'do it yourself' one. Off to Google.

  Within minutes I had dozens of helpful suggestions. Some of the 'do it yourself' sites were free while others actually requested a small fee for the information. Theoretically to help maintain their site. And while I stuck with the free sites, the pay sites did give me an idea.

  I could start my own 'do it yourself' or 'how to' website and charge people a small fee for the expert and detailed advice I would be offering them. Problem is, I'm not really all that knowledgeable on many things. For days I racked my brain on what advice I could give. I suppose I make a pretty mean peanut butter and jelly sandwich and I know almost every episode of Doctor Who by heart. Yet neither of those things seemed like they would be big money makers.

  It wasn't until I began talking with my co-workers about what it takes to be famous in America today that i realized I had found my money making idea. My 'how to' site would teach people how to become some of the most famous and well known people in the world.

Kim re-enacts how she got famous

  Obviously, for the sake of making money, I don't want to give my all ideas away here. However, it can't hurt to give you a sneak peak at a few of them. Warning: It is possible for just these few suggestions to make you famous, so be careful.

1. Make A Sex Tape
  While not the way I would normally recommend, it does seem to be the most immediate way of obtaining stardom. Look at Kim Kardashian. Who ever heard of her or any member of the Kardashian clan for that matter before Kim and Ray J made their little video. Doing amateur porn also helped give Paris Hilton's career a little boost. The only thing about fame resulting from a sex tape is the length of time your fame will last is unpredictable. It might last a few months or maybe a couple years.

2. Be A Rich Housewife
  I have found another effective method to becoming famous is to be a rich housewife who likes to drink excessive amounts of alcohol and needs to count on her fingers when adding two and two together. It is also important that you have a very short temper and expect the world to bend to your every whim. I feel while being like this can you make you famous, your fan base will mostly consist of the type of people who watch Lifetime or the Oxygen channels.

3. Be A Man's Man
  Most famous guys earn their fame not through any talent but simply due to the fact they are good looking bad boy who treats women like objects or the boy next door with the cute fluffy hair. It also helps if you have a douchey catch phrase and own a lot of Ed Hardy clothes. You will most likely make your mark one of two places, either The Bachelor or Jersey Shore.

4. Be A Redneck
  Being able to Redneckognize, Get er done or make a duck call is definitely another way to get famous. Granted these are techniques that seem to work better for people in the South. Not to say some guy from California couldn't get famous the same way, they just may have to work harder to find a person trained in the art of duck call construction. Oh, and drink lots and lots of Red Bull.

5. Be A Member of the Real World
  This avenue works best for adults ages 19 - 25. Anyone older than that enters into 'the creeper' range. Plus, no one wants to watch to guys in their 50s arguing about who would have hooked up with the woman at the bar from the night before. The Real World is mostly made up of super in shape good looking people who drink, sleep around and struggle with their own sexuality. Maybe they are straight? Maybe they are gay? Who knows for sure, but people are going to stay tuned to find out.
 
  There are a few other methods to get famous, but to get those you will have to subscribe to my 'how to' website. I should have it up in running in a few weeks barring any distractions like work and the such. Good luck.

Armstrong Advices, "Nut Up, People!"

  I will be the first to admit it, I don't always pay very close attention to the things going on around me. So, it should come as no surprise to anyone that for the last few days I thought it was Neil Armstrong who was being accused of lying, deceiving and betraying the trust of the people.

  The idea that Neil Armstrong finally said screw it and came forward to discuss the alien space crafts he saw while walking on the moon was mind blowing. When I found out all the fuss was really being made over Lance Armstrong, eh... let's just say it wasn't as exciting. (#sorrynotsorry)

  For those of you not familiar with Lance Armstrong, he is a world famous athlete who gained his popularity from winning the Tour De France an unprecedented seven times. A survivor of testicular cancer and makes that neat little yellow 'Livestrong' rubber bracelets that were all the rage a few years ago.

  Armstrong eventually decided to retire from racing and the public eye except for the occasional endorsement deal. Recently though, the public is once again trolling websites and searching news stations for information pertaining to Armstrong.

  Although, this time instead of searching for training tips or random bits of gossip about who he is dating, people are searching for information about Armstrong's alleged drug that may have given him an edge when it came to winning his 7 Tour De France's.

  From what I can gather, he is being accused of using steroids and having his blood 'boosted' with other drugs. Armstrong himself has admitted he did some bad things, but has not gone as far as to say or explain what those bad things are.

  Whatever he has been doing, was bad enough to get him stripped of his seven Tour De France wins and spot on Oprah Winfrey's show. You know you have messed up pretty big if Oprah wants to talk to you. Being told Oprah wants to interview you is like being told to go to the principal's office.

  I did a little research into what Armstrong is being accused of taking, and I came to the conclusion that he did not take the drugs to help him win the Tour De France, but for a more personal medical reason. This explains why has been so secretive about everything.

  In 1996, Armstrong underwent extensive surgery to remove the cancer from parts of his brain and testicles. A year later, Armstrong was declared cancer free, but at the cost of one of his testicles.

  Jeffery Donviane, Armstrong's personal physician, said, "As Lance left the hospital he expressed concerns that he would never feel fully like a man again."

  Fast forward a few years and toss in a couple minor leaps in technology for added spice and he you have the real reason Armstrong has been a walking drug store for the last decade.  Armstrong is attempting to regrow his 'lost' testicle.

  I discovered Armstrong's blood was being 'boosted' with a highly advanced stem cell serum, and he was taking several stabilizing drugs. The stem cell serum was specifically engineered to help regenerate testicular tissues. The stabilizing drugs are also important, because with out them, the serum would spread and began trying to rebuild every cell Armstrong ever lost.

  My contact at Walgreens informed me that these specific drugs and serums could provide enormous bursts of energy and increase endurance. He claims it's possible Armstrong didn't realize there were side effects involved with taking those specific drugs.

  It will be interesting to see how society judges him once this crucial bit of information gets released. Part of me thinks it won't change any ones opinion, but another part of me hopes that things get better for him. As always time will tell. I think he will be okay as long as he can 'grow a pair'.

 

Excuses Why Not To Visit The Doctor

  I swore up and down this wasn't going to happen this year. I did everything I could do to avoid it. To protect myself from it. I ate right. (Well, most of the time. I still maintain that pizza is a good source for all four food groups.) I exercised and even took vitamins, but it all proved useless against this new super strain of flu.

  For the last two weeks, I have pretty much done nothing put away boxes of Kleenex like a frat guy puts away free beer at a bar. That I might have been able to deal with, but throw in extreme coughing fits so fierce I almost blacked out a few times and the usual stomach aches and fevers and that's it. I tapped out.

  Now, the coughing has begun to recede and my nose seems to only fun for a few minutes in the morning. And because I am feeling so much better, new post ideas have been flooding into my brain like someone just broke the dam that was my writer's block. The entire two weeks I was sick, I desperately wanted my head to clear just enough that with a little effort I might be able to cobble together something resembling a decent blog post, but nothing was getting through. When the fog finally cleared it occurred to me I had a post right under my nose the whole time.

  My girlfriend had asked me if and when I was going to the doctor while I was sick. Which is nice. Even though, I can say with some confidence that about 80% of the time when she made these inquires she was being a very sweet carrying girlfriend. The other 20% I think she wanted this person who sounded like he was dying out of her house in case the plague was making a comeback. I now realize that although she asked me about the doctor at least a dozen times, I never gave her a flat out answer. Just a bunch of really random excuses. And look at me now, feeling good and ready for any challenge life has to throw at me. See! Who needs doctors?

Excuse #1:  I haven't been sick long enough to warrant going to the doctor. He is just going to tell me I'll have to ride it out anyway, so why waste the money.

Excuse #2:  I have no proof that the degree on the doctor's wall is even real. As far as I know, he could be a Nazi scientist still on the run and wanted for performing illegal genetic experiments. I know all about Project Aqua Gill Soldier.

Excuse #3:  I'm an organ donor. Who's to say the doctor isn't in need of a kidney to save a very wealthy patient. To him, I'm nothing more than a bag of spare parts. No thank you.

Excuse #4:  What if they get my chart mixed up with some who needs to go in for heart surgery?

Excuse #5:  I already owe the clinic money from last time I came. They won't treat you again until you pay off what you owe.

Excuse #6:  I'm pretty sure I had that clinic got in trouble when one their doctors tried to sew a pig snout onto that body builder's face.

Excuse #7:  Doctors want you to go to their hospitals and clinics so they get you to give blood samples which they use to create clones of you. Those clones will be trained in secret and one day take over the United States.

Excuse #8:  I know a girl who used to date a doctor who worked here. Things didn't end well, What if he does a background check and connects me to her. Is he still going to be professional about things.

Excuse #9:  The doctor could really be Jack the Ripper in hiding.

Excuse #10:  I bet the doctors aren't even good. I bet after you leave the have to watch old dvds of House to find out what you might have.

  There you go, Ten perfectly good reasons to avoid going to the doctor. Feel free to use any of them. I'll come up with new ones.          

 

A Few Suggestions For The New Year.

  How's it going everyone? I hope you all had an amazingly eventful New Year. In my corner of the the woods, we rang the New Year in by watching Pitch Perfect and eating like three pounds of cheesy Totino Pizza rolls. I wild time was had by all.

  It's now Jan. 2, 2013, and I have to give myself credit, not once have I put 2012 on a check. At least not yet. I'm also pretty happy that I have been able to stick to my New Year's resolutions. Yeah yeah, I know it has only been two days, but come on, that's farther than most people made it.

  And while we are on the subject of resolutions, I have come to the conclusion that several of you out there might have forgot to add a few things to your list. Maybe you did it on purpose or maybe it was completely by accident. Either way, I want to help you out. That was another of my resolutions, 'to be more helpful'. I've compiled a list of things that different people in my life need to work on, but for the sake of peoples egos, I won't list any specific names. Just the behavior or habit I think you need to work on. 

  Happy wishes for the New Year.

A List of Resolutions I Think My Friends Forgot About

-  Don't talk about yourself in the third person.
-  When you check out a movie, try and return it on time instead a month late. I'm sick of checking everything out under my account.
-  Please learn how to drive, merge and go a little over the posted speed limit. Remember, speed limit sign are only suggestions.
-  Shower more than every two days. When people begin sniffing every time you are around, that should be enough of a  hint.
-  Stop pretending you forgot your wallet and bank card. I just saw you get gas.
-  You have a good tan, stop there. You are starting to turn orange.
-  Don't talk with your mouth full. I always end up with half of what you eat on my shirt.
-  Do your laundry. Seriously. You can only turn your underwear inside out once before it becomes ineffective.
-  Pick up your apartment. I'm not even saying you have to make it spotless. I just need a path from the couch to the kitchen to the bathroom.
-  Your lizards, hamsters and snake should not be allowed to roam free through out your apartment. When I come over I feel like I'm on a poor man's safari.
-  When we go to bars, please stop acting like you are Barney from How I Met Your Mother. Saying 'Legendary' over and over is not going to get you any.
-  Stop picking your nose in public. We all know you are just scratching it, when we see half your finger disappear.
-  You can't handle your alcohol. Except it. Next time you run naked down Main Street, you are on your own.
-  Cut back on the coffee. You shake so much, I feel like you should get a job holding paint cans and not allowed to hold babies.
-  Taco Bell is not your friend  which makes you a friend to no one else.
-  Shave your chest. It looks like an Octopus is just trying to get out of your shirt.
-  Please tip the pizza guy more than 25 cents. And you wonder why it takes an hour to get our pizza.
-  This one kind of goes with the previous resolution. Stop answering the door in just a towel when getting the pizza. 90% of the time its a guy delivering the pizza anyway.
-  When we go shopping, stop trying to switch the price tags on everything you want to buy. I'm pretty sure the cashier knows the box of crystal glasses is not a $4.99 Dora the Explorer tea set.
-  And finally, stop leering at women when we go out. You are not being subtle. They know, and yes, you are 'The Creeper, they are talking about.

  That's all for now. I might think of more later, but for now that's all I could think of. Not bad people. Let's hope next years list is a little smaller.