Showing posts with label wouldbe superhero. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wouldbe superhero. Show all posts
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Science Makes Amazing Leap In Weight Loss
As I sit here and peck out yet another daffy blog post while watching the Matrix for the first time, I can't help but think about all the huge leaps in technological advancement I have been lucky enough to bare witness to. Although, I suppose my parents probably thought the same thing as they were growing up and I'm sure my kids will feel the same way.
Thanks to technology I can now lean back in a chair and marvel at the beautiful Las Vegas skyline with my computer on my lap opposed to a few decades ago when the parts for just one computer would take up entire building floors.
I think it is safe to say that all the advancements in technology have definitely had a huge impact on my life. They have affected how I listen to music, watch tv and movies, play games, communicate and share with other people and most importantly how I maintain my health.
The thing is, with all these advancements, you would think by now that nothing could surprise me. Well, if that's what you think then you allow me to introduce you to Garcinia Cambogia, the latest in weight loss pills.
Like I do when I see any of these supposed weight loss scams, I rolled my eyes and groaned at the idea of some poor insecure person shelling out good money with the belief that taking a few of these pills will morph them into the next Bar Refaeli or Brad Pitt.
However, being the type of person who doesn't like to mock what he doesn't understand, I continued to read up on all the information there was on Garcinia Cambogia. Which wasn't all that much.
The investigations that were conducted upon this new super weight loss pill read like the owners manual for an Ikea entertainment center. I couldn't make heads or tails about what I was looking at. I picked up bits and pieces, but the scientific double talk was way beyond what I could understand. There was stuff about converting your bodies cells into little fat burning furnace's and hyper weight loss and absorption of fat, but that was all I understood.
Instead, I decided to forgo the agonizing mumbo jumbo and go right to the before and after pictures. That would tell me everything I needed to know. And what it told me was science has once again pushed the envelope and as usual it might have gone just a little to far.
So, what is Garcinia Cambogia? According to the before and after pictures it is a drug that doesn't so much help you lose weight as it does redistribute that weight to more desired areas. In other words, it turns your breasts into giant (or average sized) fat magnets.
Here's an example of just how effective Garcinia Cambogia is and what it does.
However, being the type of person who doesn't like to mock what he doesn't understand, I continued to read up on all the information there was on Garcinia Cambogia. Which wasn't all that much.
The investigations that were conducted upon this new super weight loss pill read like the owners manual for an Ikea entertainment center. I couldn't make heads or tails about what I was looking at. I picked up bits and pieces, but the scientific double talk was way beyond what I could understand. There was stuff about converting your bodies cells into little fat burning furnace's and hyper weight loss and absorption of fat, but that was all I understood.
Instead, I decided to forgo the agonizing mumbo jumbo and go right to the before and after pictures. That would tell me everything I needed to know. And what it told me was science has once again pushed the envelope and as usual it might have gone just a little to far.
So, what is Garcinia Cambogia? According to the before and after pictures it is a drug that doesn't so much help you lose weight as it does redistribute that weight to more desired areas. In other words, it turns your breasts into giant (or average sized) fat magnets.
Here's an example of just how effective Garcinia Cambogia is and what it does.
As you can see. The woman didn't lose any actual weight. All those extra pounds were just absorbed right into her breasts.
Plastic surgeons were the first medical professionals to come forward to denounce the drug, but others are saying this is more out fear than anything to do with actual medical concerns. After all, from what I have been told, when women lose weight their breasts tend to also get smaller. But... if losing weight not only lead to a smaller body but larger breasts then those same plastic surgeons would be out of jobs. So, I guess you can see why they might be worried.
The biggest questions I have is, How would this affect men? Would our pecks get bigger or would something else? Would even be effective on men? And if it only works on women I would question who actually developed this drug. Was it some Big Farm company or was it Hugh Hefner in attempt to ensure his magazine never runs of a supply of models?
In the name of science I might give this drug a try. I could certainly stand to lose a few pounds. I will admit I am a little worried that I might develop a set of breasts though. If that happened I'm sure I wouldn't be able to keep my job in the factory anymore. Not with the guys I work with. I don't think I could handle all those stares. MY EYES ARE UP HERE, GUYS! On the bright side, maybe I could get a job modeling for one of those magazines.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Transformers: Age of Extinction - A Need To Know Fact
Too be honest, the thought of writing a review of the newest toy commercial / movie in the Transformers series, Transformers: Age of Extinction, never really crossed my mind. Sure, I figured I would end up doing a meme or two, but that was the extent of my time I planned on devoting to the movie... That is until I went to see it.
I still don't plan on reviewing the movie, because really what is there to say. If you go to a Transformers movie you all ready know what to expect: Lots of explosions, some cheesy dialogue and Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots on a massive scale. What you may not be expecting is a movie that clocks in at 165 minutes. I know I wasn't.
If I had known the movie was going to be that long, I definitely would not have bought the large drink. Seriously, there needs to be a sign at the concession counter stating, "The movie you are about to see is close to three hours long. If you don't have an aisle seat, you may want to consider getting a small drink."
About two hours into the movie, the realization that my bladder was losing the battle against the Diet Coke I kept sipping on suddenly sank in. I spent the next hour trying to think of a way to casually sneak past everyone else in the row without looking like I had just been shot in the stomach. Because as all men know, when you have to go to the bathroom that bad, you don't walk like you normally do. Instead, you hunch over a little bit, move really slow and wince with every step you take.
I figured it would take me roughly 15 minutes just to make it from my seat to the end of the row and to the aisle. So, I decided to suck it up and hold it. Not the wisest decision I had ever made.
When the first ending credit hit the screen, I intended to launch up out of my seat and on to my feet, but that didn't happen. I actually had to have my girlfriend help me up. And as I rose, I saw men all around me struggling to do the same. This meant only one thing... the race was on.
Like new born giraffes trying to learn to walk, men were limping and stumbling to beat one another to the ultimate prize. A spot at one of four stalls in the bathroom. As I made my way up the aisle to the doors that opened up to the lobby, I could hear my girlfriend yelling behind me, "Go! Go! Go!"
What she didn't realize was that I was already going as fast as I could. I'm pretty sure my grandpa who used a walker to get around could have easily passed me.
When I finally made it to the bathroom (I came in second place by the way)
all you could hear was a sigh of relief from four men that was so intense in volume and force that it could have shattered glass. And at the end, I walked out of that bathroom feeling renewed, alive and like a survivor.
Sure, the movie finally gave us the Dinobots we have been craving to see, but all I really took from the movie was this lesson... long movie = small drink. Its a simple equation that will save you a lot of pain.
I still don't plan on reviewing the movie, because really what is there to say. If you go to a Transformers movie you all ready know what to expect: Lots of explosions, some cheesy dialogue and Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots on a massive scale. What you may not be expecting is a movie that clocks in at 165 minutes. I know I wasn't.If I had known the movie was going to be that long, I definitely would not have bought the large drink. Seriously, there needs to be a sign at the concession counter stating, "The movie you are about to see is close to three hours long. If you don't have an aisle seat, you may want to consider getting a small drink."
About two hours into the movie, the realization that my bladder was losing the battle against the Diet Coke I kept sipping on suddenly sank in. I spent the next hour trying to think of a way to casually sneak past everyone else in the row without looking like I had just been shot in the stomach. Because as all men know, when you have to go to the bathroom that bad, you don't walk like you normally do. Instead, you hunch over a little bit, move really slow and wince with every step you take.
I figured it would take me roughly 15 minutes just to make it from my seat to the end of the row and to the aisle. So, I decided to suck it up and hold it. Not the wisest decision I had ever made.
When the first ending credit hit the screen, I intended to launch up out of my seat and on to my feet, but that didn't happen. I actually had to have my girlfriend help me up. And as I rose, I saw men all around me struggling to do the same. This meant only one thing... the race was on.
Like new born giraffes trying to learn to walk, men were limping and stumbling to beat one another to the ultimate prize. A spot at one of four stalls in the bathroom. As I made my way up the aisle to the doors that opened up to the lobby, I could hear my girlfriend yelling behind me, "Go! Go! Go!"
What she didn't realize was that I was already going as fast as I could. I'm pretty sure my grandpa who used a walker to get around could have easily passed me.
When I finally made it to the bathroom (I came in second place by the way)
all you could hear was a sigh of relief from four men that was so intense in volume and force that it could have shattered glass. And at the end, I walked out of that bathroom feeling renewed, alive and like a survivor.
Sure, the movie finally gave us the Dinobots we have been craving to see, but all I really took from the movie was this lesson... long movie = small drink. Its a simple equation that will save you a lot of pain.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Friday, June 6, 2014
Alabama Church Uses Hitler and Hoover To Inspire
I know religion has finally embraced the idea of advertising in an attempt to fill more seats on Sundays which I think is a great and creative concept. The only problem is, I really think some churches may want to consider hiring a professional. Someone who can capture the hearts of the people without offending anyone.
Did you hear that, Life Savers Ministries in Alabama? Its okay to ask for help. In fact, I'm begging you to do it. Or at the least, go with your gut feeling when it tells you something might not be quite right. That way, you might put a quote from Herbert Hoover up on your billboard to start with instead of one from Adolf Hitler.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
5 Things You Will Never Hear The Pope Say
1, Last night my friends and I stole a bunch of my mom's tampons so we could tie them together and make kick butt nun
chucks.
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| Ugh. I can't believe I said that. |
2. Come on Mtv. I'm sick of waiting for you to air new episodes of Teen Mom.
3. I need to man scape more often.
4. Hey you. Hey you. Pull my finger and I promise to bless you.
5. So, last night I met this girl at the bar and then her boyfriend showed up. Things got real... fast.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
The Real World: Illustra - Redbox
Here is this weeks excerpt from The Real World: Illustra.
This is the true story... of several heroes... picked to live in a state of the art beach house... and have their lives taped... to find out what happens... when people stop being polite... and start getting real... The Real World... Illustra.
This is the true story... of several heroes... picked to live in a state of the art beach house... and have their lives taped... to find out what happens... when people stop being polite... and start getting real... The Real World... Illustra.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Florida Go Bust
Alright. Be honest with me. Do I look like something that the cat just dragged in? Its okay. You can tell me. I can handle the truth.
I only ask because I've already had nine people today tell me that's what I look like and if that is what I really look like then that's ... awesome!!! Especially since I feel like something the cat dragged in then peed on and then kicked sand all over.
The flight I was supposed to catch at 5 a.m. was cancelled, so that was a great start to my day. They never gave a reason as to why my flight was cancelled, but I'm going to guess it must have been something pretty serious. After all, why else would they randomly choose me to under go a man-on-man assist. Oh, and in case you don't know what that is, that's where the TSA agent gets to feel you up without having to buy you dinner. The creepiest part is when the guy grabbed my leg then asked if it was okay if he could check my leg. I felt he might have been a little late with that question considering as he asked it, he was already in the midst of massaging.. i mean, searching my leg.
Having cleared security I settled into one of those oh-so comfy plastic chairs near my gate and commenced playing five hours of Candy Crush and Paradise Island. The plane ride itself was fairly uneventful. I would preferred a little more leg room, but I powered through. Now, I'm finally home and I really just want to go to sleep, but I did promise you guys an update.
The worst part about today was constantly thinking about how the trip was a complete and utter failure in regards to finding evidence proving the existence of the Sandsquatch. I know he is spotted all the time, I guess he was just a little shy when it came to me.
That's fine though. Everyone needs a little alone time. And while I didn't find any proof to support the existence of the Sandsquatch , I found a few things that gave me hope that one day I will.
I only ask because I've already had nine people today tell me that's what I look like and if that is what I really look like then that's ... awesome!!! Especially since I feel like something the cat dragged in then peed on and then kicked sand all over.
The flight I was supposed to catch at 5 a.m. was cancelled, so that was a great start to my day. They never gave a reason as to why my flight was cancelled, but I'm going to guess it must have been something pretty serious. After all, why else would they randomly choose me to under go a man-on-man assist. Oh, and in case you don't know what that is, that's where the TSA agent gets to feel you up without having to buy you dinner. The creepiest part is when the guy grabbed my leg then asked if it was okay if he could check my leg. I felt he might have been a little late with that question considering as he asked it, he was already in the midst of massaging.. i mean, searching my leg.
Having cleared security I settled into one of those oh-so comfy plastic chairs near my gate and commenced playing five hours of Candy Crush and Paradise Island. The plane ride itself was fairly uneventful. I would preferred a little more leg room, but I powered through. Now, I'm finally home and I really just want to go to sleep, but I did promise you guys an update.
The worst part about today was constantly thinking about how the trip was a complete and utter failure in regards to finding evidence proving the existence of the Sandsquatch. I know he is spotted all the time, I guess he was just a little shy when it came to me.
That's fine though. Everyone needs a little alone time. And while I didn't find any proof to support the existence of the Sandsquatch , I found a few things that gave me hope that one day I will.
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| Florida has monkeys. If they have monkeys why not a population of half man/ half ape sand loving Sandsquatches. |
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| The locals say they have never heard of Sandsquatch before, but if this is true... who are those giant sandals for. |
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Letting It Go... In More Than One Way
Don't you hate it when you get a song stuck in your head. It's bad enough when the song lodges itself in there for a couple hours, but when its there for days upon days... well that's just down right evil.
I know this because for the last week I have had that song, 'Let It Go' from the animated blockbuster Frozen running through my head.
So far nothing has been able to make it go away or at least replace it. However, I have found a way to deal with it.
When a song runs through your head enough times you begin to really listen to the words. And when that happens, you realize the song isn't about her ice powers and control, but about a woman who has been repressing her stinky, loud gas and finally decides to not hold back anymore and just let it go.
If you don't believe me, check out the lyrics from the song. Which I've already looked up for you and posted below. Sadly, I will never listen to that song the same way ever again.
Lyrics to Let It Go
The snow glows white on the mountain tonight,
not a footprint to be seen.
A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the queen.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside.
Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I tried.
Don't let them in, don't let them see.
Be the good girl you always have to be.
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know.
Well, now they know!
Let it go, let it go!
Can't hold it back any more.
Let it go, let it go!
Turn away and slam the door.
I don't care what they're going to say.
Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway.
It's funny how some distance,
makes everything seem small.
And the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at all
It's time to see what I can do,
to test the limits and break through.
No right, no wrong, no rules for me.
I'm free!
Let it go, let it go.
I am one with the wind and sky.
Let it go, let it go.
You'll never see me cry.
Here I'll stand, and here I'll stay.
Let the storm rage on.
My power flurries through the air into the ground.
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back; the past is in the past!
Let it go, let it go.
And I'll rise like the break of dawn.
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand, in the light of day.
Let the storm rage on!
The cold never bothered me anyway...
See what I mean. Yucky
5 Things I Thought About While On My Lunch Break
Here are five things I thought about while sitting in my truck and enjoying this amazing weather.
1. I bet werewolves use an insane amount of Nair.
2. I know its possible to deep fry a Twinkie, but what about a Ho-Ho or Ding Dong.
3. Do all guys wish when they are stuck in a traffic jam that their car could transform into a flying car and attack those poor land locked cars?
4. Why don't they make bikini tops for men who have a little extra in the pectoral region. They could call them bro-kinis or his-kinis.
5. What do you think would happen if you texted a picture of your butt to the President of the United States and added 'LOL'? Do you think he would get mad or smile because you put 'LOL'?
1. I bet werewolves use an insane amount of Nair.
2. I know its possible to deep fry a Twinkie, but what about a Ho-Ho or Ding Dong.
3. Do all guys wish when they are stuck in a traffic jam that their car could transform into a flying car and attack those poor land locked cars?
4. Why don't they make bikini tops for men who have a little extra in the pectoral region. They could call them bro-kinis or his-kinis.
5. What do you think would happen if you texted a picture of your butt to the President of the United States and added 'LOL'? Do you think he would get mad or smile because you put 'LOL'?
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
The Real World: Illustra - Eyes On Who
Here is this weeks excerpt from The Real World: Illustra.
This is the true story... of several heroes... picked to live in a state of the art beach house... and have their lives taped... to find out what happens... when people stop being polite... and start getting real... The Real World... Illustra.
This is the true story... of several heroes... picked to live in a state of the art beach house... and have their lives taped... to find out what happens... when people stop being polite... and start getting real... The Real World... Illustra.
Give Me A Break
I don't mean to complain, but guess what... I'm gonna. Unless of course someone can give me a logical reason as to why I only get three breaks at work, but the people who smoke get five or six of them. I'm not all that great with math, but that doesn't seem fair to me.
If one person is getting five or six breaks then I feel everyone should get five or six breaks. Getting extra breaks shouldn't just be a smoker's thing... but interesting enough, it is.
There is no way I could go up to my supervisor and tell him I feel like I need another break even though I just had one thirty minutes ago. I'm pretty sure he would laugh in my face and just tell me to get back to work. However, if I went up to that supervisor and told him I was craving some nicotine and wanted to take a quick smoke break, he would just nod his head and tell me not to take to long. Too bad I don't smoke.
And you have to smoke. You can't go up to your supervisor and be like, "Oh man, I totally need an Oreo. Watch my machine while I go outside and twist open some cookies" or "Everything is getting really stressful. I need to go outside and do a few Mad Libs to help calm my nerves."
What's worse is half the time you can't bring this concern to the attention of your supervisor, because he or she is also sneaking outside and taking extra breaks. Kind of makes complaining a little pointless.
So, since I can't complain, I came up with my own solution. After some intense contemplation I realized there is one thing your supervisor and boss can never deny you... bathroom breaks. And the best part is, a bathroom break can take a minute or it can take as long as 30. It all depends on what you had to eat.
I'm going to put my theory to the test tomorrow. , and when things slow down, I'll tell my boss I need to go to the bathroom. He has to say yes, right? I mean, he's not going to want me doing my little pee-pee dance where customers can see me. Once, he sends me I can go hang out in the bathroom for a bit and eat cookies or read some comics and maybe even watch some tv on my phone. The possibilities of what could be done in there are endless.
If this works I may have found a loophole for all of us non-smokers out there. You have to love the loophole.
If one person is getting five or six breaks then I feel everyone should get five or six breaks. Getting extra breaks shouldn't just be a smoker's thing... but interesting enough, it is.
There is no way I could go up to my supervisor and tell him I feel like I need another break even though I just had one thirty minutes ago. I'm pretty sure he would laugh in my face and just tell me to get back to work. However, if I went up to that supervisor and told him I was craving some nicotine and wanted to take a quick smoke break, he would just nod his head and tell me not to take to long. Too bad I don't smoke.
And you have to smoke. You can't go up to your supervisor and be like, "Oh man, I totally need an Oreo. Watch my machine while I go outside and twist open some cookies" or "Everything is getting really stressful. I need to go outside and do a few Mad Libs to help calm my nerves."What's worse is half the time you can't bring this concern to the attention of your supervisor, because he or she is also sneaking outside and taking extra breaks. Kind of makes complaining a little pointless.
So, since I can't complain, I came up with my own solution. After some intense contemplation I realized there is one thing your supervisor and boss can never deny you... bathroom breaks. And the best part is, a bathroom break can take a minute or it can take as long as 30. It all depends on what you had to eat.
I'm going to put my theory to the test tomorrow. , and when things slow down, I'll tell my boss I need to go to the bathroom. He has to say yes, right? I mean, he's not going to want me doing my little pee-pee dance where customers can see me. Once, he sends me I can go hang out in the bathroom for a bit and eat cookies or read some comics and maybe even watch some tv on my phone. The possibilities of what could be done in there are endless.
If this works I may have found a loophole for all of us non-smokers out there. You have to love the loophole.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Friday, May 16, 2014
The Real World: Illustra - The Peanut Butter Incident
Here is this weeks excerpt from The Real World: Illustra.
This is the true story... of several heroes... picked to live in a state of the art beach house... and have their lives taped... to find out what happens... when people stop being polite... and start getting real... The Real World... Illustra.
This is the true story... of several heroes... picked to live in a state of the art beach house... and have their lives taped... to find out what happens... when people stop being polite... and start getting real... The Real World... Illustra.
Things Human Resources Says I Can't Do Anymore
Here's a few things the human resources guy at my company says I'm not allowed to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like they have it out for me.
1. I'm not allowed to empty all the metal out of a furnace and try to fill it with chocolate pudding anymore.
2. I can't do puppet shows for people in the the bathroom when the puppets are two white worms. Apparently it freaked some people out and for others caused confusion and some horrible things happened... I don't want to talk about it.
3. I have to stop sending subscriptions for Penthouse, Playboy, and Boy's Life to members of the board.
4. I have to stop using the presses to crack open walnuts.
5. The medicine cabinet is for emergencies only. Taking all the gauze out just so I can wrap myself up like a mummy is no longer prohibited. Playing mummy is not an emergency. Their words not mine. I'm guessing they never needed a Halloween costume at the last minute.
6. I have to stop telling people that our factory is built on top of an ancient Mayan burial ground.
7. I also have to stop using the intercom system to play the song, "Its a Small World" over and over again. Apparently, it gives some people horrible flashbacks.
1. I'm not allowed to empty all the metal out of a furnace and try to fill it with chocolate pudding anymore.
2. I can't do puppet shows for people in the the bathroom when the puppets are two white worms. Apparently it freaked some people out and for others caused confusion and some horrible things happened... I don't want to talk about it.
3. I have to stop sending subscriptions for Penthouse, Playboy, and Boy's Life to members of the board.4. I have to stop using the presses to crack open walnuts.
5. The medicine cabinet is for emergencies only. Taking all the gauze out just so I can wrap myself up like a mummy is no longer prohibited. Playing mummy is not an emergency. Their words not mine. I'm guessing they never needed a Halloween costume at the last minute.
6. I have to stop telling people that our factory is built on top of an ancient Mayan burial ground.
7. I also have to stop using the intercom system to play the song, "Its a Small World" over and over again. Apparently, it gives some people horrible flashbacks.
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