Gouda To Meet You

  Are you desperately trying to learn more about that person you are seeing,  but aren't sure how to do it. Well forget about all the social media stalking, astrology charts and fortune cookies. 

  Tonight I discovered there is one sure fire method to learning everything you ever wanted to know about someone. Find out what cheese they like to eat. Figure this out and you will have all the answers you need. At least according to a recent article in The Huffington Post.

  Below is a brief summary of what your favorite cheese says about you.

Cheese Types: Brie, Camembert, and Other Runny, Creamy Cheeses

You like to take it slow and savor the moment. We only get one shot to live, so why not indulge, right? You also really love crackers.

Cheese Types: Mozzarella

You are laid back, friendly and never sweat the small stuff. You like to keep things simple, but somehow throw the best dinner parties. Your friends refer to you as a "class act."

Cheese Types: Burrata

You are just like a mozzarella-lover, except older, wiser and more entertaining at parties. We love you.

Cheese Types: Cheddar

You are reliable and trustworthy. Your friends call you the "mayor" when you go out, because everyone seems to know you. You are probably afraid that you are boring, but you make everyone around you incredibly comfortable and can adapt to just about any situation.

Cheese Types: Feta

You are an unexpected daredevil. People probably say, "I didn't think you had it in you" to you a lot. But you knew you did. You knew it the whole time.

Cheese Types: Gorgonzola

Sometimes you think everyone at the party is talking too quietly and you wish they'd speak up to match your volume. You love karaoke, swing dancing and shouting, "WOO HOO" when you're having fun.

Cheese Types: Gjetost (Norwegian Brown Cheese)

You are Norwegian.

Cheese Types: Goat Cheese

People always tell you that you "march to the beat of your own drummer," but you think you're actually pretty normal. You love long walks on the beach, red wine and 80s action movies.

Cheese Types: American Cheese

You are sweet, but you might not have ever left your hometown. You definitely love grilled cheese sandwiches and cartoons. OH, you might be nine -- are you nine?

Cheese Types: Gouda

You understand the value of waiting for something to be perfect before you enjoy it. You also have great freaking taste in cheese.

Cheese Types: Limburger

You are a contrarian, plain and simple. If someone says "black," you say "white." If someone says "peas," you say "carrots." If someone says "please don't eat that godforsaken smelly cheese," you say "pass me some of that delicious smelly cheese, please."

Cheese Types: Gruyere

You are a fan of the classics. You prefer the symphony to a rock and roll show, and a glass of Burgundy to a fancy new micro-brew. You also love fondue, which is about as wise a life choice as you can make.

Cheese Types: Parmesan

You love to remind people that Parmesan is the UNDISPUTED KING OF CHEESE.

  How accurate this method of divining a person's personality is I can't say for sure.  What I do know for certain is that eating cheese is yummy. So, if you really have to research someone,  I can't think if a more tasty way to do it.

 

Axe Discovers Source Of Ultimate Scent

   There have been a multitude of studies regarding the level of a woman's arousal in regards to the scent of a man who has just finished a hard day of work or an intense exercise. This natural musk odor has been proven to drive women wild.

  Strangely, it is only currently available on the market in a very diluted and weakened form... until now, that is.

  Those hard working scientists at Axe Body Spray theorized that if a watered down version of the musk smell will compel any woman to give a guy a second look then a pure, untainted form would get that guy's clothes torn off in under three seconds.

  The only part the scientists were having trouble with was where to obtain such a potent source of the musk.

  At first, they took the simplistic approach. They tried combining several existing colognes together in hopes of producing a super musk. It did not. Instead, all they succeeded in doing was creating 1,216,593 new things that smell nasty.

  Next, the scientists tried synthesising the musk from scratch. This method proved to be quite successful during the initial laboratory tests. Every male test subject has at least one piece of clothing torn from his body after applying just a small dab of the synthesized musk. However, during the second stage of testing, this time being done in the real world, they quickly learned that not only can the synthesized musk not survive outside the lab, but it has a major side effect too. Such as turning people in to giant pillars of cotton candy.

  Having had two failed attempts through chemistry, the scientists were ready to try a new direction. Biology. The concept was simple. Breed a plant that would produce a musk like smell then those oils could simply be extracted from the plant. This experiment was deemed a failure once the plants started trying to eat the scientists.

  After so many failures, the Axe board of directors decided that losing millions upon millions of dollars was simply unacceptable. Especially, without even the smallest hint of success. It took a long night of intense debating, but they finally decided it was time to pull the plug.

  On their way to dismiss the scientists, the board members were stunned to see a young man wearing a ripped UPS t-shirt swinging a long lamp stand at a group of four woman. The man kept yelling, "Leave me alone" while the women desperately reached for him and clawed at his clothes.

  Eureka! This was what the board members had been looking for. This is what they were looking for. The kind of passion and lust they wanted their body sprays to inspire. The board members quickly rescued the UPS driver and brought him to the scientists.

  For the next 48 hours, the UPS driver had every test ran on him that could be imagined. Yet they couldn't find what it was about the man that had caused the woman to respond as they did. There was nothing overly special or unique about him. Nothing that the tests revealed anyway.

This new scent from Axe
has already sold one
million cans 

  Thinking they had reached another dead end, the scientists thanked the UPS driver for his time and asked one of the interns to bring the man his clothes. Like most interns, she wasn't happy with having to the seemingly non-important work. Little did she know she was about to help make the biggest, most important discovery in the history of relationships. The source for the purest, most uncorrupted form of musk known to mankind...The gym sock.

  It took less than a day for the scientists to confirm that the gym sock was indeed the ultimate source for lust inducing pheromones. Even less time passed before Axe had produced its first batch of new Gym Sock scented body spray and started distributing it to stores. Now, a week later, the Axe company has entered into what some financial analysts would call a new golden age.

  Not to just sit back, pat themselves on the back and relax, Axe scientists are already experimenting with jock straps and dirty underwear to see if they too might produce a similar powerful musk.    

  When asked how far a long the research on the underwear and jock straps were, the scientists simply said, "We really can't discuss it. What we can say is this. Look out ladies. Things are about to get crazy."

Crazy indeed.

'Pop', Number One Reason Relationships End

  Recently, I have discovered how delicate relationships can be.  A number of my friends who I thought were in happy relationships have either hit rocky spots or sadly ended their time together.

  I suppose looking back I could see why a few of them ended. Telling your girlfriend, after seeing Magic Mike, you need to break up so you can pursue your life long dream of becoming a male exotic dancer or your boyfriend  you are done after falling into the toilet during the night for the sixth time because he keeps leaving the seat up, are pretty obvious signs.

  Some signs, however, are not so obvious. Do you want to guess what the number one reason for break ups is? (Pausing so you can make a few guesses. Go ahead. I’ll wait.) Well, a lot of you guessed the number one reason is issues stemming from not having enough money. Wrong! That was the cause the last few years, but the past is the past people. This new reason may be shocking to some and other maybe like, “Oh, hell yeah. That is so true”. According to several current polls and surveys, the new number one in destroying relationships is whether soft drinks are to be known as ‘soda’ or ‘pop’.

  I know it doesn’t sound like something that could cause a break up, but picture this. You and your new girlfriend have been out a few times to some of the best five star restaurants in town and things are going great. Which is a total relief, because your last girlfriend used to scream the words to random Frank Sinatra songs at restaurants then bang her head on the table five times then in an English accent say, “pickles” softly as she stood up to leave.  After leaving a late night showing of The Amazing Spiderman, you decide to stop at McDonald’s and get something to eat. You both walk up to the counter, arms around each other, leaning against each other, laughing and kissing every three seconds. Yep, you are the couple everyone looks at and thinks, gross…get a room, but who cares, right. You are in love and nothing is ever going to change that. At the counter you place your order, and the cashier asks what you want to drink with that. You say a Pepsi, and then you ask her what kind of pop she wants. Her eyes grow as wide as saucers and glaze over with disbelief as if you just went up and pimp slapped her mom. She stares at you for a minute then softly tells you the soda she wants is Dr. Pepper. And it’s on! The sickening cute and cuddly couple is gone. All that remains is one person screaming “POP!” and swinging a chair while the other person screams “SODA!” and breaks the end of a beer bottle on the counter.

  According to the Cruise-Holmes Survey, over 50 relationships come to a possible pre-mature end every month as a result of soda vs. pop. The survey also points out that 8 deaths a year can be attributed to the aforementioned same reason.

  What’s odd is that way back around 1809, soda and pop had a special relationship of their own. They were such a hot couple that just as we have Bradgelina or Bennifer, back then they were known as soda pop. You couldn’t read a newspaper or  listen to the radio without some mention of soda pop. Unfortunately, like all famous couples they soon couldn’t stand the sight of one another. Some attribute the break up to the pressures of stardom . Others say soda was messing around with water on the side and pop found out about it. And a small minority thinks it’s because pop “dutch-ovened” soda. Whatever the reason, the two have not been mentioned in the same sentence since.

  I have heard people ask if it is possible for their relationships to survive such a trial. Truthfully, I just don’t know. I hope so, because this beast has reared its head recently in my relationship. Am I afraid? Of course, but I think with lots of empathy, compassion and love, this problem can be overcome. And if that doesn’t work, I suggest dealing with each other Highlander The Movie style.

  The only real solution I think is to somehow get soda and pop back together again. Only once they are re-united can the rest of the world begin to heal. Amen.