Easter Mushy, Mush

  A few of you this weekend took the time to express how shocked you were that Pam and I didn't do the cutesy new couple thing of 'getting our picture taken with the Easter Bunny'. I could go into a long and most likely hilarious explanation of why that didn't happen, but in this case I think simpler is better.

This is how I see the Easter Bunny at the mall.

How Pam sees the Easter Bunny at the mall.

What Not To Wear

  This weekend I am going to be Skyping with Pam's family. Which is kind of a big deal since I haven't met them yet. I really, really want to put a good foot forward and make a good first impression. The problem is, as you may all know, I have no fashion sense. Like 80% of my clothes are t-shirts and jeans. So, since they are here parents, I asked Pam to help me pick out some clothes. After all they are her parents. She should know what would impress them. After about five hours of searching my closet we (she) decided the best thing to do would be to just go buy a new outfit.

  Now, while I may not be able to tell you what to wear, I can definitely give you some examples of what not to put on.

  Below are some t-shirts Pam rejected immediately, tossed into a pile and told me to burn.

 

Best Presents Ever

  I hope everyone had a happy holiday.  This time of year it is really easy to let all the work and family stress overwhelm you until you are nothing but a big ball of Grinchy goo.

  Its because of all this stress that sometimes people just get overwhelmed and run out of time to shop so they go with a gift card or just put some money in an envelope.  Which I have nothing against,  but this year I was given two presents that someone put a lot of thought and live into and that made them quite possibly the best presents I have ever received.

  Both of these amazing presents were given to me by my girlfriend. And I know some of you are thinking, 'Of course she got you cool gifts. That's what a girlfriend is supposed to do.' But I can tell you from my experience that is not always the case. More often than not, people will  buy something just so they can cross a name off their list. Sure it might be a cool gift,  but does it have any meaning behind it.

  The first gift my girlfriend gave me was a set of three ornaments. Which is really awesome because I had been looking for the perfect ornament to put on our Christmas tree. I wanted to be something special that somehow tied into this being the first Christmas my girlfriend and I spent together. So, years down the road when we hang the ornament up we can both smile and reflect.

  The ornaments were snowmen and Christmas trees with little picture frames in the center done in a style that I can't really describe but I like. And to be honest, I'm including a picture, so you can see for yourself. Inside the picture frame of one of the snowmen, she had written, "V + J: 2013".

  Sure it was such a simple thing, but it meant so much. She could have got anything at all and I would have been happy. However, by giving me those ornaments it not only shows she put a lot of thought into her gift, but also that our first Christmas together was special to her as well.

The Perfect Ornament 

  The second gift she gave was a drawing of a giant pair of pants and on a Post-It Note, two stick figures. The boy stick figures asks the girl "Are these my size?" and the girl responds with a loud "No".

  What does these mean besides being a cool piece of art? It means my girlfriend thinks my pants are too big. Which is true. You can't argue with the truth.

I have issues with buying the right size pants

  The picture is also a promise of an adventure. One day we will go out into this crazy world in search of a pair of pants that will fit me and whatever happens along the way happens. It is probably one the greatest gifts anyone has ever given me just for the sheer fact of how creative it was and the story behind it.  I have it framed and every time I look at it I think how lucky I am and get a big dopey smile on my face.

  Based on just the amazing time I have spent with my girlfriend and these two incredible gifts alone, this has been the best Christmas I have had in years.

Thank you

The Ultimate Lesson

Hey every body.  I just wanted to inform you all that this will be my last post for a long time.

When I first started this big I promised it would be about the silly things in life and never take itself too serious. But I'm breaking that promise today in hopes other people won't make the same mistake I did.

Friday night I picked up my girlfriend's phone and looked at some texts between her and a guy friend.

I'm not proud of what I did. If there was a way to take it back I would, but I can't. Its not something I have ever done before and I would tell you I wouldn't do it again in the future,  but I don't think I'll get a chance to prove that. 

Because I have betrayed her trust on such a deep level, I was told a few minutes ago that she needed a few days to be alone and think.

In situations like this, people are required to tell you things will be okay. Just give her a few days and everything will be okay. 

The hardest part is not only knowing I hurt her, but knowing I will never hear her say, 'I love you' again with her arms around me.

Some of you are surely asking why I did such a stupid thing. And the answer is I gave into a moment of weakness.  I was feeling bad about myself and I knew this guy was always hitting on her, so I wanted to see her telling him 'no thanks.  I have a boyfriend. '

Was it with it? Hell no. I know she asked for a few days, but I'm pretty sure she made up her mind already.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have lost one of the best things that ever happened to me over being pathetic and insecure.

She made me laugh. She inspired me on so many levels.  I used to relish every time she said, I love you. Every time those words escaped her lips my heart felt like nothing could stop it. And now I would say there is a 90% chance I will never hear here speak those words again. Let alone see her.

Folks this woman is completely amazing.  She is totally nerd compatible. She is caring and loving and super smart.  She is so beautiful.  I could stare into her eyes and just let myself get lost.

My last image of her is seeing her sleeping on the couch looking beautiful. She was so tired from our trip to Ikea and looking at paint samples that she crashed as soon as we got to her house.

When I left her house she was quietly sleeping. She had this cute little smile on her face and looked so comfy.

That will most likely be the last memory I have of her. We were working on a wall in her basement to convert it into a room for some of my stuff when I moved in at the end of next month.

I beg everyone out there. Please don't let your insecurities get to you and do what I did.  Because of what I did, I lost one of the most important people in my life and I have to live forever knowing I almost had the love I was always searching for and I destroyed it out of sheer insecurity and stupidity.

I have no one to blame but myself. So basically tonight a countdown clock has been started.  Like I said,  I'm pretty sure what her answer will be. I'm hoping for the best but given she didn't say, I love you or anything really to me today. Let's just say I'm not trying to fool myself about what her answer might be.

So in case I never get to talk to her again I just want to say that, 'I love you baby.  Thank you for some of the greatest months of my life.  You are an amazing woman and you deserve all the happiness this crazy world has to offer you. If you ever need help or anything... just call.  I'll help no questions asked. I will miss you with all my heart'.

Thank you everyone for reading all my strange and random babble through out the year. Good bye.

.

Sincerely,
Jim
Sparkle Who

Girls Advice To Guys..."No Dick In The Back!"

  I don't know about you, but every now and then doing the same old things gets a little boring. So, to combat this my girlfriend and I will have what we call, 'A Day of Firsts' to help liven things up. The idea is pretty simple in nature yet it is responsible for some very fun days. 

  Now this doesn't mean that we have to do something that neither of us has done before. If we made that a rule that would pretty much leave sky diving and bank robbing as things we could do together. Although, to be fair, I don't think I have ever asked her if she has ever been sky diving. There might just be bank robbing left. At least I hope bank robbing is the only option left and not sky diving. 

  Not that it matters since, it doesn't have to be something we have both yet to do. It just has to be something one of us hasn't done. Which works out nicely, because I know I have experienced a lot of things that I want to re-experience with her, and I think she feels the same.

  Last night's experience was kind of in the gray area. See, we decided to go see some bands play at the Majestic, a place known for providing some of the best music, stand up comedy and movies in Madison. We had both been to shows and concerts before, but never to any put on by the bands we were seeing that night. So, I'm still counting it as a new experience. Besides, I have never seen a band play in a theater type of venue. All the concerts I have been to have been big out door festival kind of things with multiple stages and multiple bands all playing at the same time.

  I will admit to being a little nervous about going. Sometimes I get a little nervous in large crowds, and this was definitely going to be a large crowd. Also, did I mention that I can't dance to save my life. I know. I know. Supposedly everyone can dance, if only just a little bit. This, however, is a lie. The last time I tried to dance and I was knocked to the floor and restrained by paramedics who thought I was having a seizure.

  My girlfriend is the one who has the rhythm. So, I figured why not ask her. She probably has some awesome advice on how someone who is rhythmically impaired can still look cool. After all, I didn't want to embarrass her. I wanted to look like I have some swagger.

  With my tail tucked between my legs, I went to her and explained my need for help.  And like I thought she would, she gave me several pieces of  advice on what to do. Including one tip that she said was the most important thing for a guy to remember when dancing with a girl... Don't stick your dick in her back!

  I wasn't necessarily sure what she meant by this. Was this some term for a new dance move I was unfamiliar with or perhaps a new way to rob someone. Who knew. So, I had to ask for clarification. To her credit she was very politically correct with her explanation.

  "It's when a guy is dancing behind a girl and he starts grinding on her. Maybe its okay for one song, but after that...no. NO! The girl isn't asking for that. Sure she may like you but that doesn't mean she wants your thing jammed up against her for the whole concert. Seriously. No dick in the butt!!!"

  Sure, I had heard of this, but not on the level she was describing. She had to be exaggerating. Sure maybe the guy goes for the bump and grind for one song, but there is no way it happens over and over through out the entire concert. She has to be giving a worst case scenario kind of thing. Sort of like how to survive an apocalypse when there are no Twinkies or Ding Dongs left and you are surrounded by bears. 

  So, we went to the concert. And holy crap was she right. During the first five minutes alone, I saw three examples of what she was talking about. Two were bad, but one guy was really bad. I'm thinking before the concert he must have snorted like a thousand pixie sticks filled with crack. 

  This dude was not just content to be grinding his girlfriend. No, he had to add a degree of difficulty to it by squatting low and coming at her at an upward angel. To be honest, I wasn't sure if he was trying to stick his dick in her back or launch her into space. And oh my god, the speed at which he was moving. I'm not even sure the Flash could have kept up. He looked like an over excited Golden Retriever trying to drill a hole through a fire hydrant using only his hips.

  Forget one song, this guy had been going at it for the first third of the concert. Finally, about one song into the second groups performance, I noticed the girl had taken a step forward and over. Essentially, putting two other girls between her and this guy. The guy had that drunk glazed over look on his face, and I'm not even sure if he realized right away that the girl had left him.

  Through out the rest of the show, I saw more and more examples of  dick in the butt. It was all around us. Luckily, that seems to be a younger guy move.

   It was funny to see these guys moving like they were the Gods of Swagger, and to also see the girls constantly rolling their eyes and trying to slowly move away. At one point, I felt so sorry for the guys that wanted to pull them aside and share my girlfriend's advice. 

  I would say something Yoda like, "Her back do not stick your dick in. Down she will shut."

  When my girlfriend and I got back home, I told her about all the instances where I saw a guy trying to jam his do-hickey into a girl's back. She simply said, "I told you so." Yes, she most certainly did.

  The thing I love about my girlfriend is that she is like some Tibetan Monk who has all these pearls of wisdom to share, but only lets a few out at a time. So far she has taught me that just because a bottle has the word Heinz on it does not automatically mean it is ketchup. And good dancing means never having to stick your dick in to someone else's back. 

  I can't say these were lessons I was expecting to learn, but I feel like just by knowing them I have become a stronger, better man. Thank you, my  girlfriend.

Can't Ketchup

  Here is a quick one for you tonight folks. Sometimes I like to offer up a little advice so you, my loyal readers, don't make the same mistakes I do. Here is tonight's lesson.

  I was going to my girlfriend's house after work and it was really late. After the day I had just had, I didn't feel like cooking anything but I still wanted something that could warm my belly. So, I stopped at McDonald's and got a small fry. Luckily, this wasn't one of those McDonald's that was open all night, but only served like 5 things. You could get whatever you wanted off the menu.

  So, after getting my fries I quickly drove to my girlfriend's house. I was probably doing like 15 mph over the speed limit, but my reason for speeding was valid. Who wants to eat cold french fries? Not, I said this guy.

  In record time, I was at the table about to eat when I realized I hadn't grabbed any ketchup. Fries need ketchup like Taylor Swift needs ex-boyfriends to write songs about. This would be the first time I used her ketchup and honestly, I had no idea where she kept. I scanned the fridge about four times before my eyes caught the glimpse of the word, Heinz. Bingo.

  Heinz 57. You can't do much better than that when it comes to ketchup. Oh, and she is super classy. she didn't have one of those plastic bottles. She had the glass bottle.

  Now armed with ketchup, I went back to my seat and shook out a little bit. Like I said, it wasn't my ketchup so I wasn't just going to shake it all on to my plate.

  I ate everything then was starting to put away the ketchup and my pop when my girlfriend came downstairs and asked what I was up to.

  "Just putting away your ketchup," I said.

  She looked at me kind of weird for about a moment then said, "Um.... that's not my ketchup."

  What did she mean it wasn't... I looked at the label on the bottle. It said, Heinz...ha..oh, wait. There was no 57 after the Heinz. Instead what followed the Heinz was the word Original Cocktail.

  Yep, not ketchup.

  So, what did I learn tonight? One. If you aren't familiar with your girlfriend's refrigerator, ask the guy in the drive thru for ketchup. Two. Cocktail sauce doesn't taste all that bad on french fries.