12 Things To Do While On Furlough

  I have a friend who was recently placed on furlough. He was a little mad at first given that he has three kids and wants to keep food in their mouths, but he eventually saw a silver lining. There was a lot of things he needed to fix or do around his house and was going to use this as a time to catch up on it all.

  Two days later, and he called me asking me if I wanted to do something. When I asked what happened to all the chores he had, he told me they were all done. Now, he was just sitting around bored and not sure how to keep busy.

  I thought about this and felt a little sad for my friend. So, I sat down one night and came up with some things that anyone on furlough can do to help keep them busy and feeling productive.

  1.  Find four teenage mutant hamsters and start a dupstep group.

  2.  Call every government office you can and when asked to leave a message, inquire as to 'What does the fox say?'. Perhaps give them an example of how you think a fox may sound.

  3.  Develop an internet search engine and call it, "Bitch, Please!"

  4.  Do you hate your boss or someone else in your office? Now is the perfect time to find a fellow hater and learn to speak a foreign language. That way you can openly mock and no one will now what you are saying.

  5.  Learn magic, then go up to strangers and pull rabbits out from behind their ears.

  6.  Go to the adult room in the video store and take out all the porn dvds, and replace them all with copies of the classic Disney movie, Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

  7.  Begin writing crossover fan fiction that combines Breaking Bad with The Facts of Life. Ms. Garrett finds out the girls have been selling blue meth.

  8.  Drive around and find Amish riding in a horse and buggy, and challenge them to a drag race.

  9.  Put on a red wig, pancake make up and big red shoes. Next walk into any McDonald's and demand to speak to Ronald McDonald. Make a fuss when they say he's not there. Do this until they get ready to kick you out then yell, "I won't leave until my dead beat father comes out here and talks to me." You'll either get kicked out or get free food for life in hopes of silencing you.

10.  Get to work on a bill that will require all male politicians to wear BeDazzled speedos at all times while in office.

11.  Watch every episode ever made of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and the explain to me why I should care what they are up to.

12.  Take up ninja bear wrestling. It has a year long season and who doesn't like watching a bear leap into the air and spin kick a man across the face. Bruce Grizzly vs Ted.

Fine Keep Your Money...But You Should Do This Instead

  Okay, I think I am going to buy a kayak... No, wait! I should get all those dvds I've been wanting for the last few months... Or... Maybe I should invest in some new clothes. My current wardrobe consists of two pairs of shorts and a few nerd themed graphic t-shirts which I am fine with, but  I don't think my Nightwing or 'Talk Nerdy to Me' t-shirts are going to exactly impress the ladies...You know what? I really should be a bit more practical and take care of some things that I have been putting off for a while, such as, get my oil changed and pay rent... Then again, a little plastic pool from Walmart could really help beat the heat.

  There were hundreds of other options that ran through my head last week, but the aforementioned were just the options I found myself going back to repeatedly. After all, with the possibility of being able to bring home some extra money, wise decisions on what to do with it had to be made. 

  Yes, it was raise time at good old Madison Kipp, and my fellow employees were walking around like it was Christmas Eve. Even I found myself getting into the spirit of the season. It was hard not too. Especially, with there being a good chance most people would get anywhere from a 5 to 10% raise.

  It was amazing to watch the people at work. Men and women, who would normally just as soon throw flaming bags filled with rocks at you rather than say hello, were smiling and greeting everyone they passed. I'm pretty sure the infamously crotchety Scrooge even opened his office door and pleaded with the nearest employee to tell him the time and to go buy a turkey.

  Then Friday came and the mood slowly started to shift. At the beginning of our work day, the higher ups called everyone together for a stunner of an announcement. In the best spun of politically correct double talk I had heard in a while, they let us know that only about 50% of us would be getting raises. They also wanted to let us know that through out the day, one by one, we would be called into the plant managers office for our yearly reviews.

  I remember taking in how everyone had responded to the news. The people who, I can only assume, knew they wouldn't be getting raises walked away from the meeting with their heads drooping and instantly returned to their grumpy ways. The others, who seemed quite confident that they would get the full 10% raise, hung around for a bit talking to each other and boasting about what they would do with their newly earned wealth. 

  In case you were wondering, I was one of the people who stayed behind talking. Eventually though, the supervisors shooed the remaining employees back to their machines. My hope was that I would be called in for my review pretty early on. I guessed I would have to wait, at the most, 20 minutes for my review. 

  Sadly, it would turn out that my time estimation skills would not be the only thing I got wrong that day. I walked into the plant manager's office smiling and ready for my good news and glowing review. When I left I'm pretty sure I was in shock with just the two sentences, "Maybe next year" and "You need to learn more about the machines you work on" running over and over again through my head.

  To say I was 'just a little salty' is like saying, 'the moon is only a little bit away from the Earth'. I was especially confused about the part of not knowing how to run my machine, because in fact, I know more about my machine then half the supervisors there. When I informed the plant manager of this, he just shrugged his shoulders and told me to send in the next person on his 'hit list'.

  I wasn't really sure what to do. So, for seven hours I watched men and women enter the plant manager's office with hope and smiles, only to leave with either blank expressions or heavy frowns. At the 7 1/2 hour mark, I had had enough. Of the 50 some people who had entered that 'Void of Darkness', only 5 emerged with their hopes and dreams intact. And one of those guys had went missing from work for three days. He hadn't called or left any sort message. He had just vanished, and upon his return he found his job was was still there waiting for him, no questions asked.

  It was after hearing this that my camel was rushed to the vet to fix his broken back. Yes, I may not have gotten a raise, but i was damn sure going to get something. I worked hard. I had worked weekends. I covered machines when the supervisors called in sick. All of this might mean nothing to the 'suits', but it meant something to me. Before I knew it I was making a second trip to the plant manger's office, however, this time I didn't have an invitation. This time, I was going in for a showdown. There would be no leaving empty handed.  This was Thunderdome, baby. Two men enter. One man leaves. 

  And as I marched toward 'the Darkness' a list began to form in my head. The list consisted of five things that management could do to make our working conditions much, much better. I knew he wouldn't agree to them all, but he would agree to at least one. 

  These were the demands I brought with me into 'the Darkness'. 

     1. Each machine should have a 30+ inch flat screen cable ready mounted in the area where the employee will be working. My reason for asking for this is sometimes you are on your machine for eight hours with no one to talk to and nothing interesting to look at or listen to. Trust me, this can cause a person's mind to wander or even worse, the person may fall asleep. I think a tv will help keep the employee's mind active and reduce boredom, there by helping the person to stay focused on their job.

     * I feel it is important to point out that I did say the tv should only be cable ready. I believe it should be up to the employee to provide the internet if that is what they want. I'm not unreasonable after all.

     2. A drink delivery service. I suggest that it might be a good idea to hire a person, or persons, who would take drink orders and then deliver the requested drinks to the people working on the machine. I thought it seemed like a fair request, but the 'suits' didn't seem to go for it. They seemed really hung up on the fact that the order takers/delivery people would have to go any place the employee requested the drink from as long as the place was in town. Hey sometimes you get thirsty and only a milkshake from a Sonic will do.

     3. We should be allowed access to a recreation room that we can visit before, during breaks and after work. It help build employee camaraderie and help control stress levels. Like all my previous requests, this one was almost accepted, but they just couldn't understand how a room with a trampoline floor filled with plastic balls could help people relax. I believe their exact words were, 'what the hell?' Seriously, aren't these guys supposed to go to school to learn this kind of stuff.

     4. Casual Friday. On Friday we should be allowed to wear whatever we want to wear as long as it is in good taste. So, on a really hot Friday, we should be allowed to wear shorts, a BeDazzled Thong and a mesh tank top. And for those of you who think I suggested a thong because the guys would just want to see women wearing them, I want assure you that I don't work with any women. The BeDazzled thongs are just for us, so we can feel pretty. The 'Suits' in all their supposed 'wisdom' think wearing shorts and mesh tops would be a bad idea since we work around metal that is heated to a minimum of 1200 degrees Fahrenheit.... Whatever.

     5. So You Think You Can Dance Tuesday. Implementing an exercise program of any type can only help a company. It will raise the employees health and lower medical costs. The idea was simple. We shut down all the machines in the factory, dress up in our most fabulous clothes and have dance offs. Maybe the 'suits' could offer some prizes. Come on, who doesn't want to see some bikers get their funk on.


  Needless to say, no of my ideas were approved... This time. However, that doesn't mean I'm going to give up on these great ideas. I know they have the money for such awesome ideas and programs. After all, they only gave out like three raises.

  Oh, I just thought of another idea. I think the break room needs a snow cone machine. See, the ideas for excellence just keep coming.

Is That A Sword In Your Pants...

  It has been about a year since the Conceal and Carry Law was passed, and so far no one has shot anyone else for cutting in line at the Walgreen's checkout counter. Which is surprising since all I heard about when this law was being discussed was how people would start shooting each other over the littlest things. Kind of like the Old West, but with smaller and less offensive belt buckles.

  I will reluctantly admit that at first, I was one of those people. The worried ones, not the wanna-be gunslingers. Hey, my worry was justified. I work at a factory where guys are constantly bumping into each other, puffing out their chests and asking each other, "What are you going to do about it?" Sort of like being in the kindergarten version of New Jack City. Is it really surprising that with all that testosterone going around, I was about 60% sure someone was going to shot someone else. No one ever did though, and i think I know why.

  The sign. That's right, a simple piece of paper with words reminding people to leave their guns locked up in their cars. The idea is pure genius. I'm not sure why we haven't posted other versions of this sign elsewhere. For example on an airplane we could post a no hijacking sign or a no robbing sign at a bank. How great would it be if some super pissed off guy wielding a gun who was going to storm the bank door, read the sign and said, "Oh man, I didn't know. I better go put this gun back in my truck. Geez, am I embarrassed."

  I guess over the year as crazy as it may sound, I began to find the sign to be a little reassuring. Everyday when I walk up to that door, I see the sign and I can breathe easier because I know I work in a gun free building. Everything was okay...Until today, when I noticed the sign had changed. Now not only did the sign discourage people from carrying firearms into the building but it forbid weapons of any type.

   What the crap? When did this become an issue. I thought all I had to worry about were the crazy people and their guns. Now the sign is telling me I also have to look out for things such as tasers and knives and swords. I asked all the managers and higher ups why the sign changed, but no one had a straight answer for me. The closest I could get was a higher up who said the company has had some issues lately. Great. So, now my choices are to either get shot by Billy the Kid or have my head taken by the Highlander. Neither are very reassuring.

  It kind of makes me wonder what that sign will look like from a year from now. What weapons will I have to be looking out for in another five to ten years. Maybe there will be a no laser gun symbol, or perhaps no killer robots allowed. What about no crossbows that launch mini heat seeking missiles? It could even start referring to biological dangers such as the plaque. The possibilities are endless.

  I'm not sure how I feel about this ever changing 'no weapons allowed' sign, but I do know I am going to start reworking my resume tonight. I may not use it right away, but the moment I see two guys battling with swords over a vat of liquid metal, it goes up on monster.com. True story.

Extreme Heat Made You Do What???

  Most people normally behave in a nice and civilized manner. We say please and thank you. We hold doors open for people and offer to help whenever we can. Perfect examples of how mankind should behave to one another.
  However, add a few degrees to that and tempers start to shorten and our willingness to help one another decreases greatly. Now, add a lot of degrees and you have what I call extreme heat. Which to me is any temperature over 100 degrees. When the temperature gets this hot, all rules and about 90% of our humanity goes out the door. Everything becomes fair game.

  Now, by my calculations, we have been in extreme heat for about a month now. I have observed peoples moods and attitudes changing. It seems almost every day people slip a little farther toward their more primitive selves. Given that I have so much free time, I combined all the observations I made with the data on how extreme temperature affects people, and I came up with some interesting predictions. Here are just a couple of them.

-  Extreme heat can turn your normal, peaceful drive to work into something out of a Mad Max movie. It's like road rage on steroids.

-  Extreme heat can make you not want to touch or be touched by another living thing. I saw a lady freak out two days ago on a plant because it kept brushing up against her.

-  Extreme heat can make you crank your air conditioning so high, your home becomes a perfect habitat for penguins. Remember you just want to cool your place off a little bit. You're not trying to make it snow. I've tried and it doesn't work.

-  Extreme heat can make you not want to use your stove or oven on, so you just have bowls of  cereal for lunch and dinner. Currently, I have five different types of cereal in my apartment. Only one of them is good for me. The rest are nothing but sugar and colored marshmallows.

-  Extreme heat can make you want to walk around your house in nothing but your birthday suit. Just remember to close your curtains and blinds first.

-  Extreme heat can make you swim at places you normally wouldn't consider going to. You know, places like the public pool where people keep getting stabbed or the river with algae so thick it looks like it's covered with carpet.

-  Extreme heat can make you get drunk and attempt rain dances in your backyard with your friends. Make sure you invite all your neighbors because the one you don't invite is the one who will record and post the whole thing on the internet.

-  Extreme heat can make you accept snow cones and Gatorade from complete strangers without giving it a second thought. While they may look refreshing take an extra second to think about it. For instance, if your snow cone or Gatorade is yellow, then maybe you should just throw it away.

-  Extreme heat can make you eat your friends face off. What? It's as plausible a reason as bath salt.

  I know there are a lot of other things that can occur due to extreme heat, and the majority of them are way weirder than the things listed above. Until this weather passes I guess we just have to look out for each other, and do our best to keep our heads. Remember, if we really try we can be the best of.....Seriously, that guy just bumped into my table. Aww, hell no. (Grabs baseball bat) That's it for today my friends. I need to have a talk with that guy.

  HEY YOU.....

Call Me Maybe by the Star Wars Players

I saw this and thought it was funny as all heck. Who knew the people from all those Star Wars movies could sing.

My Art Fair On The Square 2012 Thoughts

  Weekends can be a little tough. Sometimes it is so hard to find something to do. Especially when the temperature is in the high 90s. Luckily, this weekend it was pretty easy to come up with something. Kelly and I decided to brave the heat and went to Art Fair on the Square.

  There were lots of cool booths displaying everything from paintings and blown glass to sculptures and rugs. I even bought my first piece of art.

  We only stayed for about two hours because of the heat. Seriously, I was glistening all over the place. However, while we were there, I couldn't help but notice a few things.

  1. Why did almost every adult I see have a cup of beer in their hands? Is the idea that if people get drink enough they will be more likely to buy art? I mean, it's an outdoor art fair, not tailgating before a Green Bay Packers game. Plus, doesn't walking around with cups of beer violate some kind of public intoxication or open container law? I guess as long as drunk guys are using horrible one liners to pick up statues of the female form, it's all good.

  2. While some of the booths always seemed to have people coming and going, other booths seemed emptier than a bottle of vodka at Chelsea Handler's house. I couldn't help wonder if the people at the more popular booths look at the empty ones and taunt them by yelling, "My art is better than your art. Na-na na-na boo-boo."

  3. Some of the places that sold these really awesome photographs that were matted and framed. They usually ran for around $150 to $800 depending on the size or type of frame. And for the most part that makes sense. What doesn't make sense is when you are selling a post card sized copies of the same photographs that aren't framed and aren't always matted for between $20 and $50.  In what cracked out universe does that make sense.

  4. Smoothies that cost $6. Really? Really!?! Really!!!. What the frak is that about. My one smoothie is going to cost more than a foot long corn dog and fries. Were these smoothies made with fruit collected from Mount Olympus. It's not like they even come in cups that would make you go, "Holy crap, this thing is ginormous." No. It's just a regular sized cup. Apparently, someone is taking pricing lessons from the movies theaters.

  And lastly...5. Why do some guys do that thing where  they sort of take their shirt off, but not really. You know, the guys who lift the fronts of their shirts up and over their head, so basically you see their chests and stuff, but they never really took their shirt off. It just looks like they have a piece of cloth going from one shoulder behind the neck to the other shoulder. And to clarify, this is fine if you look like you spend a few days in the gym. It's not fine if you look like you spend a few days a week swallowing basketballs whole. And for God's sake, don't strut down the road like you are working the runway at this years, Hottest Man Alive Competition. No! You stop that right now; pull your shirt back down and grab one of ten pound bags of carmel corn before you go any farther.

  These and a few other thoughts popped into my head as we made the rounds at the art fair. I can't say that in the seven hours away from the fair I've come up with any answers, but I do know I have till next year by this time to figure them out. After all, who knows what thoughts and questions I will have next year.

Who Says The Police Don't Like To Help

   

If I'm Behind You In The Check Out Line, I Probably Hate You

  Okay, I admit it. I am not the biggest fan of shopping. When I go to a store, I like to get in and get out. Unless, of course, I am at Best Buy. I can spend forever in there.

  Now for the most part when I go shopping I either already know what I am looking for or at least have a pretty good idea of what I want. Given this fact, I convince myself that I can be in and out of any store in less that ten minutes. Once, again Best Buy excluded. What I seem to always fail to consider is there is one area in the store I have no control over. And it is this one area that can take a happy three minute trip and warp it into a frustrating hour long endurance fest. I am speaking (all-be-it in whispers) of the dreaded check out line.

  The check out line can test the most patient of men, and being that I am nowhere near a patient man, eventually I begin to hate every person in front of me. Oh, and I have experienced everything listed below. The following are in no particular order or arranged by which I find more annoying. It's all pretty much the same to me and makes me want to yell, "You suck!". Here we go.

1.  You suck if you are that person who can't seem to pull him or herself away from their cell phone while the cashier is talking. What makes it worse is if you tell the cashier to 'give you a minute'.

2.  You suck if you are that person who digs in their pockets or purse for 20 minutes trying to find your bank card, all the while muttering, "I know it is here. I just had it".  What makes it worse is if you add slapping your pockets. Like doing that will magically summon it to the pocket you are slapping. You aren't Houdini. Calm the frak down.

3.  You suck if you are the person who's total comes to $10.01, and you spend 20 minutes shifting through your purse for that one penny. What makes it worse is if the cashier offers to take that penny from the penny dish, and you refuse out of pride.

4.  You suck if you are the person who's shopping cart is overflowing and you still push your way in front of me, even though I have one item. What makes it worse is if that one item is ice cream.

5.  You suck if you are in front of me talking none stop on your cell phone about your weekend trips and activities. What makes it worse is if I am about 99% sure there is no one else on the other end and you are just making crap up.

6.  You suck if you are the person who forgot to grab milk and then makes everyone wait while you run all the way across the store to get it. What makes it worse is if you send your kid.

7.  You suck if you are the person who gets so wrapped up in the tabloids coverage of the Kardashians that when the line moves forward, you don't. What makes it worse is if you start talking to me about those same stories. No! That's a bad human.

8.  You suck if you are the person who balances their checkbook at the check out after making a purchase. What makes it worse is if you ask the cashier for a calculator.

9.  You suck if you are the person who has 13 items and goes into the 12 items or less line and tries to get the cashier to ring that 13th item up separate because you are having some moral dilemma. What makes it worse is if you actually argue with the cashier when he says 13 items is no big deal.

10.  You suck if you are the guy who after his purchase is complete, spends the next 10 minutes hitting on the cashier. What makes it worse is if you keep trying to find ways to get her to go to your "buddies awesome party" even after she politely turned you down 5 times already.

  It's because of situations like these that I try to use the self check out lines as much as possible. Not surprisingly, I have begun to find things to hate about those too. Go figure. I guess that means in about a month or two, I'll be writing about why I hate self check out lines. Seriously, does the volume on those things have to be so loud. Like people need to know how much my eggs are. Ahhh...and so it begins.

GODZILLA ATTACKS MADISON!!!

After things finally started to calm down from all the election excitement, now

we have to deal with this. If it's not one thing it's another in this town.

The Battle Lines are Drawn

  I originally meant for this post to go up on Monday, but given the fact my computer had become self-aware and was confiscated  by some secret shadow organization, it had to wait.

  To be honest, this post would have been perfect for Memorial Day, because it reveals how they have drawn the battle lines. They have hidden themselves everywhere, and often attack when I'm sleeping.

  I've tried to reach a peaceful solution, I really did. They just kept coming and taking more and more territory.

  Finally, I was left with no other option, but to set aside my humanity and answer their declaration of war. Over the last few weeks I fought back with everything I had. I took the lives of at least a dozen of their soldiers, but still they continued their invasion. I've given this war everything I have, and while I refuse to give up and surrender, I find myself having to admit... they are winning. The crickets are taking over.

  Yep, you heard right. I said, crickets. What? You think just because they are crickets, it makes this war less meaningful. Let me tell you, crickets are vicious and care only about themselves. 

  I suppose the real question you are asking yourself is how did all these crickets end up in my apartment in the first place. It all began with a sand demon who wears his heart on his sleeve.

  In October I purchased a little bearded dragon. The idea was to decorate his cage in a dessert theme, so I thought an appropriate name would be Gaara. Loosely translated it means "demon who wears his heart on his sleeve."

  When I first bought Gaara, he only ate about 20 to 30 crickets a day. And those crickets were really small. I think they called them pin size. So every couple days i would buy about a hundred crickets. When they are small like that all you need is a little cricket cage and  you never have to worry about them  getting away. Sadly, Gaara continued to grow, and now he eats about 50 to 70 crickets a day. That amount of crickets would cost a lot of money if you were to buy them from a place like Petsmart. One weeks worth of crickets would cost you about $50. Not wanting to spend $200 a month in crickets, I went online and found a website that allows you to buy 2,000 of them for $12. A much better deal. Sure they are sold out of some government lab in Nevada, but at the time I figured who cares. I was saving money.

  For a while everything was still okay. I did have to buy a bigger cage but it seemed to be doing a good job of containing them. That was until one day I was feeding Gaara and eating a corn dog at the same time. I might have dropped a few bits of corn dog in the cricket cage. Like Piranha the crickets swarmed over the corn dog bits, devouring them in seconds.

Genetically advanced cricket hungers for human

  A few days later, I came home from work and saw the lid to the cricket cage open. I also noticed my crickets seemed to be bigger. Over the next few days I kept finding more and more crickets in my apartment and also noticed they were now about 7 inches long.

  This didn't seem right. So I did something no one would do in this day and age. I called the company and asked them why my crickets are getting close to being able to attack Tokyo. They told me some stuff about the crickets being part of an experimental breed, and that when they eat breaded meat it causes a rapid mutation. They offered no solution except to buy some bug spray. I tried that. The crickets came up to me, took the can out of my hands and sprayed me in the face with it. I even tried extreme cold, but all the crickets did was go skiing down all the furniture and ice skating in the bathroom sink.

  For weeks now our battle was raged. Neither side able to gain an advantage. That is until I realized why those mutant crickets were able to hold their own. Not only were they big but there was literally thousands of them. I know I only started with two thousand crickets, but in their mutated form, the crickets breed like nympho rabbits.

  The crickets had become too big for Gaara to eat, so whenever I had the chance, I would crush them up and then feed them to Gaara. As the weeks and war went on, I noticed Gaara was starting to grow bigger too. Instead of a normal sized bearded dragon, mine was about four to five feet long. So big in fact he could stand on his hind legs and look out a window. It took me a while to realize that whatever chemicals were present in the crickets that made them grow to ginormous sizes must have been absorbed by Gaara when he ate them. 

Gaara standing 4 Ft tall
and looking out the window

  Finally the sides were a little more even. I'm actually able to sleep at night since Gaara can patrol the apartment. The war has slightly shifted to our favor, but the crickets were still growing and getting braver. I can't say how this will end, but I will warn you to be careful when buying crickets online. Always make sure your crickets are from a non-governmental secret test facility, and never ever ever feed them corn dogs.
  Wish me luck.

Vacation Virus

  Trouble can come out of nowhere. You could be having the best day and all of the sudden...BAM...life hits you in the face with a shovel.
  Recently, I have been on one heck of a 'good day' streak. My luck has been so good that I forgot there was such a thing as bad luck. Big mistake.

  I now realize was bad luck was simply bidding its time until I let my guard down, Apparently, today was the day I let my guard down.

  My girlfriend, Kelly, and I were coming home from our well deserved weekend getaway. We had a nice relaxing time with a couple of unbelievable adventures mixed in. And like anyone on vacation, we took a lot of pictures. I mean we took something like 500 pictures.

  Alot of the pictures we took related to things I couldn't wait to blog about. Being the impatient type I figured I would transfer all the pictures from my cell phone to my computer as soon as we left our cabin. That way I could begin writing some new posts on the way home.
'
  As soon I began getting the transferring cord out of my backpack, Kelly, in a slightly panicked voice, called my attention to the road. I had been digging in my backpack for only about 30 seconds, but in that time the sky had become dark gray and was belching thunder. Also, a fog had crept up around the van. To be honest, it was the weirdest fog I had ever seen. It was a blue-ish yellow color with neon green sparks. Like it was alive with electricity. I told Kelly what I saw. She just asked, "Are you on crack?" After a few minutes I couldn't see the sparks anymore. So, I concluded that while I was not on crack, I definitely could have been seeing things.

  Smiling at the fact that I let my imagination get the best of me, I finished hooking my phone up to my laptop and prepared to begin transferring all those photos. Once everything was connected I began the transfer and that is when things got weird. I don't mean weird like walking in on your grandma in the shower. I'm talking weird like seeing Bigfoot shopping at the local Pick 'N Save in an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini.

  The fog had now completely encompassed the van on all sides.  Kelly was struggling to keep us on the road, and given the fact I couldn't see any farther than my window, she was doing a dang good job. It also explains why she would later claim to not have seen what was going on with the computer and cell phone.

  Both the keys and screens were glowing green and releasing little sparks. The green sparks had also reappeared outside the van. Weird letters and numbers began scrolling down the screens. It looked like a programming code but one I have never seen before. I tried to pull the transferring cord out, but couldn't. All I succeeded in doing is getting one heck of a shot.  It definitely made my hair stand on end. What's left of it anyway.

  "We're clear," Kelly announced relieved.

  I looked up from the computer to see the fog had completely vanished, and the sky was once again clear. Even in the rear view mirror there was no sign of the weird fog. Sweet. No more bad weather should hopefully mean my computer and cell phone should work. At least, you would think so. It didn't.

  Instead, error messages instantly began popping up on both screens. It took about nine failed attempts at transferring the pictures for my temper to reach  a boiling point. Seeing my frustration, Kelly told me to turn of the computer and take a break, maybe play some Words with Friends. Besides if the computer and cell phone had failed one more time, they were both going out the window.

  The next hour passed quickly. I played D.J. with Kelly's iPod. I did such a good job she even stopped to get ice cream cones. The ice cream was so good that I begged her to stop several more times on the way to my apartment to get more. About five ice cream cones later, my sore stomach and I were carrying my bags into my apartment. Kelly had dropped me off to go home and take care of her dog.

  It was probably a good thing she went home, because I knew as soon as I stepped through my door,  I was going to take another shot at transferring those pictures. It might take one or two tries, but I knew I would get it.

  Once again I connected my cell phone to my computer and initiated the transfer.  At first I thought the transfer was working. I realized it wasn't when an error box appeared that told me to go "F--- myself". Now, I have gotten a lot of weird error messages, but nothing like this.

  I sighed when I realized the error message was probably part of some super virus that had invaded and hijacked my system. Just to be sure I tried the transfer a few more times, and each time I received an error message telling me to go do something to myself. When I tried to access my cell phone to see if I could figure out what virus my computer had, my phone gave me an error message that said, "stop being nosey" and "you can't control us".

  Through out my life I have encountered a number of viruses, but this was definitely a new one. So, I decided this virus was best left for a professional. It was time...to seek out the Geek Squad.

  I dropped my computer and cell phone off at Best Buy and was given a promise by one of these cyber warriors that by the end of the day they could tell me what was wrong. He also said it would take six days to be fixed and cost about $250, but i would get it back fixed and it would run like new. That was good enough for me. I went home and watched some reruns of  The View. Whoopie was in rare form.

  Five days later, around 8:15 pm, I received a call from head of the Geek Squad.  He spoke softly and seemed very confused. He told me they had discovered the cause of the virus in my devices. They had both became self-aware. For the last few days, the Geek Squad had been running tests and developing ways of communicating with my cell phone and computer, or as they demanded to be called, Lil Popper and Bonita.

  Head Geek related that Lil Popper and Bonita had just confessed their intentions and where they had come from, when two men dressed in black demanded both the cell phone and the computer. When I asked where the men had taken my devices, all he could tell me was that the two men had paperwork with the presidential seal all over it and that as the devices were carried away, they repeatedly told the men in black to "suck it".

  The Head Geek told me even though my cell... I mean, Lil Popper and Bonita were confiscated, that his Geek Squad had still done the work they said they would, so I still owed him the $250.

  After putting my house phone down, I sat on the couch and contemplated how such a seemingly perfect day could result in me having to buy a new cell phone and computer. I guess it comes down to this. There are good days and there are bad days. And then there are days that make Biblical plaques look like minor inconveniences.

Cheetos Responsible for 'Monster' Rabbits

Plow with his 5 foot tall rabbits.

  In Morris, Illinois there is a small farm tucked away in the middle of nowhere. The farmer is a quiet, kind man who grew up with a love for everything having to do with Easter. He loved Easter so much, he even began raising rabbits on his farm. Once in a great while he would sell one of his rabbits, but for the most part he kept them all. Until that one day.

  According to Peter Plow, the farmer, he has been trying to breed the perfect rabbit for years. "In my eyes the perfect rabbit has fur as soft as cotton, a cute wiggly nose, is smarter than most humans and will be full of love."

  For over 40 years he has been trying to achieve his dream, and no matter how close he came, he always felt as if something was missing. Leaving him feeling sad and disappointed. Plow no longer is sad or disappointed.

  Today he is the proud owner of several rabbits who have more than fulfilled his dream. The rabbits possess everything Plow wanted them to. Not to mention they range in length from 5 to 8 feet long.

  When asked how he was able to get his rabbits to grow so big, Plow needed a little coaxing but eventually revealed his secret. Cheetos. Yep, you heard right.

  "One day I was cleaning their cages and eating  some crunchy Cheetos when I swear of a wolfbat... that's a wolf head on the body of a bat...tried to lift me up by the hair. While I was swinging at the wolfbat, a bunch of Cheetos fell into one of the rabbit cages. A few days later when I went back to clean its cage again, the rabbit had grown an entire foot." Plow related the origin of his 'Mega' Rabbit with a smile that never wavered.

  More surprising is the fact that, Plow says that the rabbits growth doesn't seem to have limitations. It seems that all Plow has to do is put a few Cheetos in the cage and over the next couple days the rabbit will grow at least another foot.

  While some governmental figures have expressed concern that Plow might accidentally drop a Family Size bag of Cheetos into a cage causing the rabbit to grow large enough to go on a Godzilla style rampage, the majority of Morris, Illinois, have fallen in love with the giant bundles of fur.

  When asked what he sees in his future, Plow tells how he just finished watching Avatar, and he would like to create rabbits big enough that they could be used as a mode of transportation like in the movie. Sort of like horses but able to cover more ground at a much faster pace. Plus they can hop. How cool is that.