Okay, so before I get to today's post, there are two things I want to say.
First of all, I want to apologize for the lack of new content. I know it has been a while since I posted something new, but both my personal and work life got a little crazy there for a bit. Lucky for me, everything seems to have finally worked themselves out... For now anyway.
The second thing I wanted to say actually kind of leads right into the main point of today's post. It is directed to the guy standing in the men's shaving supplies aisle wearing the ripped concert t-shirt who offered me some advice on my personal appearance. To this man I would like to say, "Thank you for the advice and your oddly placed concern, but seriously, not everyone looks good completely bald."
I mean it, totally bald men of the world. "Bald is not for everyone." Accept it and move on.
I'm not sure why, but it seems that recently how much or how little hair I have left on the top of my head has become quite the topic of interest among completely bald guys or CBGs.
It seems that having a partial head of hair is completely unacceptable by CBG standards. I'm not sure why. Maybe they see it as a painful reminder of something they once had or maybe they were somehow traumatized by hair when they were younger and now spend their whole lives trying to rid the world of the scourge known as hair. My other theories involve the CBGs all being part of some New World Order cult, them believing that the hair on some people's heads are actually an alien life form bent on taking over the world and they feel that all hair is constantly taunting them and flipping them the bird. I know the last few theories are kind of a stretch but you never can never be too sure.
All I know is that hair has somehow affected these people so strongly that it causes them to want to convert every partially bald person they see to a CBG. So needless to say my encounters with a CBG are nothing sort of interesting and predictable about.
Here is how those interactions go. I see the CBG approach and instantly I start to mentally prepare myself. We exchange greetings that are pleasant enough, but the longer we talk, the more I see the CBG's eyes move up my face to the top of my head. Now it just becomes creepy because they are still talking to me but the are no longer looking me in the eyes. Just at the top of my partially bald head. I always feel so exposed, but I dig deep and try to act like nothing completely odd and creepy is going on. Then it happens... they go completely silent and just stare at the top of my head. I quickly take a deep breath because I know what is about to come next...."You know, you should just shave it all off and grow and little goatee or beard. You would look so much better," the CBG says. Ugh!!!
Now I get to spend the next few minutes with the biggest fake smile on my face while I try to explain how horrible I would look as CBG. As I said earlier, for some reason the CBGs think everyone would look amazing totally bald as long as they grow a beard or a goatee. Here's the thing though. That look only works if you have a decent amount of muscle. Because lets face it. Even if you look like someone hit you with the "ugly shovel", now one is going to say anything out of fear of getting their butt handed to them.
Personally, I have never gone totally bald, but I have come close with a very close buzz cut. And you know what. I tried the whole little facial hair thing and guess what. Forget the ugly shovel, I looked like someone hit me with the ugly truck. I do not have an attractive head. There's bumps and a few scars up there. Nothing that is going to make the anyone go, "Oh, it was such a wise idea for him to shave off all his hair." No. They are going to either run in terror or proceed to mock me, deservedly so.
The best part is I work with two CBGs and every day I go through this whole 'song-and-dance' at least twice. There is no escaping it and there is no convincing a CBG that not everyone looks good totally bald. All you can do is smile and nod and stick to your guns...Although, I have been experimenting with just faking a fainting spell while talking to them.
So, to all the CBGs out there I thank you for your concern... but I'm doing okay. And I just want to say...."Oh look there goes a partially shaved poodle."
