Bald Is Not Always Beautiful

  Okay, so before I get to today's post, there are two things I want to say.

  First of all, I want to apologize for the lack of new content. I know it has been a while since I posted something new, but both my personal and work life got a little crazy there for a bit. Lucky for me, everything seems to have finally worked themselves out... For now anyway.

  The second thing I wanted to say actually kind of leads right into the main point of today's post. It is directed to the guy standing in the men's shaving supplies aisle wearing the ripped concert t-shirt who offered me some advice on my personal appearance. To this man I would like to say, "Thank you for the advice and your oddly placed concern, but seriously, not everyone looks good completely bald." 

  I mean it, totally bald men of the world. "Bald is not for everyone." Accept it and move on. 

  I'm not sure why, but it seems that recently how much or how little hair I have left on the top of my head has become quite the topic of interest among completely bald guys or CBGs.

  It seems that having a partial head of hair is completely unacceptable by CBG standards. I'm not sure why. Maybe they see it as a painful reminder of something they once had or maybe they were somehow traumatized by hair when they were younger and now spend their whole lives trying to rid the world of the scourge known as hair. My other theories involve the CBGs all being part of some New World Order cult, them believing that the hair on some people's heads are actually an alien life form bent on taking over the world and they feel that all hair is constantly taunting them and flipping them the bird. I know the last few theories are kind of a stretch but you never can never be too sure.

  All I know is that hair has somehow affected these people so strongly that it causes them to want to convert every partially bald person they see to a CBG. So needless to say my encounters with a CBG are nothing sort of interesting and predictable about.

  Here is how those interactions go. I see the CBG approach and instantly I start to mentally prepare myself. We exchange greetings that are pleasant enough, but the longer we talk, the more I see the CBG's eyes move up my face to the top of my head. Now it just becomes creepy because they are still talking to me but the are no longer looking me in the eyes. Just at the top of my partially bald head. I always feel so exposed, but I dig deep and try to act like nothing completely odd and creepy is going on. Then it happens... they go completely silent and just stare at the top of my head. I quickly take a deep breath because I know what is about to come next...."You know, you should just shave it all off and grow and little goatee or beard. You would look so much better," the CBG says. Ugh!!!

  Now I get to spend the next few minutes with the biggest fake smile on my face while I try to explain how horrible I would look as CBG. As I said earlier, for some reason the CBGs think everyone would look amazing totally bald as long as they grow a beard or a goatee. Here's the thing though. That look only works if you have a decent amount of muscle. Because lets face it. Even if you look like someone hit you with the "ugly shovel", now one is going to say anything out of fear of getting their butt handed to them.

  Personally, I have never gone totally bald, but I have come close with a very close buzz cut. And you know what. I tried the whole little facial hair thing and guess what. Forget the ugly shovel, I looked like someone hit me with the ugly truck. I do not have an attractive head. There's bumps and a few scars up there. Nothing that is going to make the anyone go, "Oh, it was such a wise idea for him to shave off all his hair." No. They are going to either run in terror or proceed to mock me, deservedly so.

  The best part is I work with two CBGs and every day I go through this whole 'song-and-dance' at least twice. There is no escaping it and there is no convincing a CBG that not everyone looks good totally bald. All you can do is smile and nod and stick to your guns...Although, I have been experimenting with just faking a fainting spell while talking to them.

  So, to all the CBGs out there I thank you for your concern... but I'm doing okay. And I just want to say...."Oh look there goes a partially shaved poodle."

8 Things Not To Do Before The First Date

  Now that Memorial Day has come and gone, I found out my second job isn't running as many die casting machines. For a lot of people this sadly meant layoffs. Luckily, all it meant for me was having to work on a new machine with a guy I had never worked with before.
  This guy, Johnny, was telling how his friend had set him up with this girl. I guess they have talked on the phone a few times, but they have yet to meet. And judging by the way he has been trying to impress her, I don't think they ever will.

  The tricks and techniques Johnny was using almost made me sad to be a man. Now, I'm not trying to act all high and mighty. In my life time I am sure I used one or two of his techniques. Just not all of them at the same time. Or within the last 15 years.

  As a service to other guys out there, who have just met that girl they are interested in and are still in the getting to know each other on the phone and through emails stage or are getting ready for that all important first date, I came up with a couple important things not to do. I can't promise that by following these rules you will end up with the girl of your dreams, but I can promise she won't be calling you a douche to her friends anytime soon.


Ted is 25 years old and
plays rugby

Rule 1: Don't use a fake photo. I know you think that over time she is going to fall so in love with your personality that it won't matter what you look like. You are so wrong. She hasn't been telling her friends she is going on a date with a bald guy who has out of control acne and has more hair on his back than a werewolf. She has been telling them that she going out with a guy who looks an awful lot like David Beckham.

Rule 2: Don't lie about what you like to do. I know you want to impress that special adventurous lady by telling her you like to sky dive on fire while doing origami. Just remember, eventually she is going to surprise you with a weekend getaway where you will sky dive on fire while sword fighting. Sure saying you like long walks doesn't sound very bad ass, but at least you won't be hurdling through the air on fire with a pointy object.

Rule 3: Don't  let all your weird out at one time. What I mean is, if you collect and display Strawberry Shortcake figurines or have a closet with 10,000 comic books in it, you probably don't want her finding about all of that at one time. Instead say you are into collectibles or you have just a few comics laying around. Releasing too much of your weird at one time will either just flat out scare her away or make her worry about being buried in your basement.

Rule 4:  Don't send her pictures of your penis.  Seriously, I don't know why guys do this. Especially if you haven't even had a first date. I mean I'm a guy and I still don't get it. Do they think you are going to see the picture of their penis and be like, "Oh my God! I can't wait. I've gotta get me some of that." A lot of guys believe that if they send you a picture of their "Mister Happy" then out of fairness you will send them pictures of your naughty places.

Rule 5: Don't be that guy. You know what I mean. Girls say it all the time. Just don't be that guy.

Rule 6: Don't tell her how beautiful you think your kids would look. If you want to send her running before you even make your first date, go a head and tell her that. Then ask all your friends if what you asked her was creepy. But just in case you have the type of friends who tell you everything you do is cool, let me just say that yes, it is creepy.

Rule 7: Don't tell her that when you eat the candy, Dots, you get really turned on. I think that one pretty much speaks for itself. I would maybe hold this little bit of information until you have been out on at least a few dates.

And finally...Rule 8: Don't offer to take her out to dinner if you can only spend $8.00. Your first dinner together should be something nice and while a $100 dinner at a nice restaurant may be slightly out of your range, you should be able to swing something out Chili's or Outback Steak House. Not the McDonald's or Taco Bell value menu. After that first dinner though, the value menu becomes a viable option.

  Well, I hope these help a little bit. If not (Begin legal notice now: The author of this blog assumes no responsibility for you not being able to get a date. Most likely you did not follow these rules closely or you are just a complete douche. Sorry) then I wish you luck.