The Right To Bear Arms

  It’s a well known fact that people  love to be a part of history. We literally reenact everything from repeating wedding vows to recreating crime scenes to famous moments in history. Until recently, the go-to for historical reenactments has been recreating famous battles between the North and the South.  Why we became so focused on this bit of history I will never know. I mean, I wouldn’t mind seeing famous battles between cave people and the dinosaurs or the time George Washington went on that cherry tree massacre reenacted. And for once, it seems the government agreed with me.

  On August 3, 2012, top officials in the United States government assembled to reenact the signing of one of the greatest documents in our history. The United States Constitution. The event was broadcast live on every tv and radio station in the United States. It wasn’t until 2:37 pm on August 4, 2012, that people realized a mistake had occurred in the wording of the new United States Constitution. More specifically in the Second Amendment – Bearing Arms.

  The Second Amendment basically states that a well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, gives people the right to bear arms and this right shall not be infringed upon. 

  However, due to a few misplaced words the Second Amendment  now states that  in order to have a well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, gives bears the right to bear arms and this right shall not be infringed upon. In even simpler terms this means that while Smokey is out there preventing forest fires and he’s doing it with a double barrel sawed off shotgun strapped to his back.

  Smokey isn’t the only bear to have taken advantage of this new law. At a comedy club in Portland, Oregon, Fozzie Bear has held an audience captive for the last two days. He says no one gets to leave till he gets the jokes worked out for his upcoming Comedy Central special. In Jellystone National Park, Yogi and Boo Boo  have given up their crazy schemes for simply holding people up at gun point for their picnic baskets. Snuggle, the fabric softener bear, has given up doing laundry in favor of kidnapping people at gun point and selling them as laundry slaves on the black market.  And the most shocking report so far is that Winnie the Pooh has been robbing grocery stores and taking entire shelves of honey.

  A security camera In the Waunakee, Wisconsin, Piggly Wiggly not only captured footage of Winnie the Pooh running to the exit doors with a handgun in the air and pushing a shopping cart full of honey but also him yelling, “I’m sick of getting my butt stuck in trees just because I want to eat. Do you know how embarrassing that is, and I know that little douche, Christopher Robin is always laughing at me. Well, who is laughing now ya little punk.”

  President Obama has been very outspoken in his disapproval over the poor attention to detail and copy editing that has lead to this situation. He has also been quick to assure people that this amendment will be fixed, but that since it’s the weekend the soonest any voting can take place would be on Monday.  Until then, President Obama  recommends everyone try to stay indoors and avoid contact with any bears if possible. Every bear is to be considered armed and dangerous and all-in-all pretty ticked off.

  I really don’t think I am in any danger, but just to be sure I am going to follow the President’s advice to the letter. Plus, I am going to leave a big old fricking box of honey on my porch. I figure what can it hurt. Until the President gives the all clear on this bear thing, I am going to just sit in my house and catch up on the last three seasons of Burn Notice.

If I'm Behind You In The Check Out Line, I Probably Hate You

  Okay, I admit it. I am not the biggest fan of shopping. When I go to a store, I like to get in and get out. Unless, of course, I am at Best Buy. I can spend forever in there.

  Now for the most part when I go shopping I either already know what I am looking for or at least have a pretty good idea of what I want. Given this fact, I convince myself that I can be in and out of any store in less that ten minutes. Once, again Best Buy excluded. What I seem to always fail to consider is there is one area in the store I have no control over. And it is this one area that can take a happy three minute trip and warp it into a frustrating hour long endurance fest. I am speaking (all-be-it in whispers) of the dreaded check out line.

  The check out line can test the most patient of men, and being that I am nowhere near a patient man, eventually I begin to hate every person in front of me. Oh, and I have experienced everything listed below. The following are in no particular order or arranged by which I find more annoying. It's all pretty much the same to me and makes me want to yell, "You suck!". Here we go.

1.  You suck if you are that person who can't seem to pull him or herself away from their cell phone while the cashier is talking. What makes it worse is if you tell the cashier to 'give you a minute'.

2.  You suck if you are that person who digs in their pockets or purse for 20 minutes trying to find your bank card, all the while muttering, "I know it is here. I just had it".  What makes it worse is if you add slapping your pockets. Like doing that will magically summon it to the pocket you are slapping. You aren't Houdini. Calm the frak down.

3.  You suck if you are the person who's total comes to $10.01, and you spend 20 minutes shifting through your purse for that one penny. What makes it worse is if the cashier offers to take that penny from the penny dish, and you refuse out of pride.

4.  You suck if you are the person who's shopping cart is overflowing and you still push your way in front of me, even though I have one item. What makes it worse is if that one item is ice cream.

5.  You suck if you are in front of me talking none stop on your cell phone about your weekend trips and activities. What makes it worse is if I am about 99% sure there is no one else on the other end and you are just making crap up.

6.  You suck if you are the person who forgot to grab milk and then makes everyone wait while you run all the way across the store to get it. What makes it worse is if you send your kid.

7.  You suck if you are the person who gets so wrapped up in the tabloids coverage of the Kardashians that when the line moves forward, you don't. What makes it worse is if you start talking to me about those same stories. No! That's a bad human.

8.  You suck if you are the person who balances their checkbook at the check out after making a purchase. What makes it worse is if you ask the cashier for a calculator.

9.  You suck if you are the person who has 13 items and goes into the 12 items or less line and tries to get the cashier to ring that 13th item up separate because you are having some moral dilemma. What makes it worse is if you actually argue with the cashier when he says 13 items is no big deal.

10.  You suck if you are the guy who after his purchase is complete, spends the next 10 minutes hitting on the cashier. What makes it worse is if you keep trying to find ways to get her to go to your "buddies awesome party" even after she politely turned you down 5 times already.

  It's because of situations like these that I try to use the self check out lines as much as possible. Not surprisingly, I have begun to find things to hate about those too. Go figure. I guess that means in about a month or two, I'll be writing about why I hate self check out lines. Seriously, does the volume on those things have to be so loud. Like people need to know how much my eggs are. Ahhh...and so it begins.

D.O.T. Goes For Gentle Approach First

Before settling upon the harsher yet straight to the point "Stop" sign, the head of the Department of Transportation, Joey Lawrence,  gave the more gentle and friendly "Whoa" sign a try.

The Adventures of A First Time Tuber

  Life should be an adventure. We shouldn't be happy to just sit back on the couch and watch everything pass us by. That being said, there is one important rule to remember. No matter how much you plan or think you are ready for something, you never really are. Trust me.
  It had been an interesting week. At both jobs I had been running nonstop, and couldn't wait for the weekend. Kelly, my often mentioned girlfriend, had bought this deal through Living Social for us to go canoeing on Mirror Lake for a couple hours. Definitely, a relaxing Saturday. We hadn't planned anything for Sunday, so when a woman I work with started to excitedly describe her tubing trip down the Sugar River, I knew that was what we were going to do.

  I had never been, but Kelly had been tubing before and it hadn't been the best experience. Mostly because she was sick the majority of the trip. Being a good boyfriend, I saw the opportunity to not only provide her with another chance to go tubing, but also to make this trip a million times better than her last one. Whether I did or not  isn't for me to say. But hey...she made it back alive so there ya go.

  We arrived at S & B Tubing around noon. Since, neither Kelly or I had a tube, we needed to rent one. A quick internet search showed that S & B was the most popular choice for rentals and launching said tubes. We were both excited for our adventure. Which took a little longer to get under way because I just assumed I would be able to pay with a bank card. Nope, they were a cash only operation.

  Tip number one when planning an adventure would be to always carry some cash. Otherwise you get to play an impromptu game of "Guess Which Business Has A Cash Machine".

  It took us about ten minutes, but we finally found a cash machine. We rented three tubes. One each for Kelly and I, the third was for the cooler. The man giving out the tubes told Kelly the ones with the S & B logo spray painted on them were the fastest ones. It took a few minutes for Kelly to realize the tubes all were the same. Logo or no logo. A little disheartened Kelly didn't pick up on his joke, the man quickly led us to the launch and tossed us a few pieces of long string. Which was perfect, because we wanted to tie all of our tubes together.

  I think my excitement was showing, because Kelly told me I should get on my tube first. Virgin tuber here folks. So, like a little kid jumping into a pile of leafs, I launched myself into the air aiming for the center of that tube. I sailed towards the center of the tube and then passed right over that and splashed down hard into the water. Trying to save a little face, quickly I stood back up, completely soaked, and this time climbed into my tube with a little more car e.

  Kelly showing her ninja skills simply fell perfectly right into the center of her tube. We were set. We were off and floating. We were...OH CRAP! My phone was in my pocket. My hand instantly shot into my sopping wet pocket and pulled out my phone. I prayed I had stood up quick enough so no water had a chance to get into my phone. However, seeing three water spots inside the display screen made that prayer useless.

  Later when I started telling people I fell into a river with my cell phone, they would all inquire why I didn't put my phone in  a Ziploc bag and then put it in the cooler. My answer was simply, I had never been tubing before. I never even thought about it. All I wanted to do was get a few awe inspiring nature shots, and some goofy pictures of Kelly and I lazily drifting.

  We did end up getting two photos documenting our trip, but not until the very end of the trip. I spent the next four hours trying to dry my phone out without any luck. Ah well, I can let Sprint take a look at it tomorrow.

  That brings us to tip number two, which is simply if you have a camera or cell phone or something you don't want getting wet, toss it in a Ziploc bag. Otherwise, every time you tell the story people will look at you like you are the dumbest person on the planet and ask you why you didn't.

  Oh well, I am a true adventure seeker and I wasn't going to let a broken phone ruin my day. Besides, could anything be worse than breaking a $300 cell phone? I didn't think so either. It's kind of amazing how wrong one person can be in a span of just a few hours.

  I will say for the next hour things were going pretty smooth. The sun was shining nice and bright and we had just seen an eagles nest. This was that awesomeness I was talking about. Everything was perfect. Then we rounded a bend and encountered the man Billy Bob Thornton must have modeled his Sling Blade character after.

  He was just there standing in the middle of the river. The water came up to his waist, so I'm guessing it wasn't to deep. He wore a gray t-shirt and held a 40 ounce can of beer in his hand. As we neared him he looked down at the water and said, "The fish are biting my legs. It used to hurt but now it's not so bad. You should put your feet in the water too. Don't be afraid."

  We tried to engage him as little as possible, but that discourage him in the least bit. The five minutes it took to drift by him felt like an eternity, and we learned more about Mr. Sling Blade than either of us ever wanted to know. The most interesting story was how he was on his way to court in Colorado when a wild dog chased him off a bridge.

  Luckily, as we came to the next bend, Mr. Sling Blade's calls to "stick your feet in the water!" slowly faded away until all we could hear was the sound of birds and random insects.

  Happy to be alive, the next three hours were exactly how I expected floating down the river to be. Sure we passed people who were for my best guess, going to the bathroom in the river and a guy who was daring his girlfriend (I think) to take her top off. Which according to Kelly she did. My tube was facing the other way, so I don't know if she did or not. All I know is thanks to my tube facing the opposite direction, I am pretty sure I avoided a devastating "did you look" slap.

  It wasn't until we were about five minutes from the end of our trip that our biggest surprise hit. For some reason I started wondering why I hadn't felt my truck keys poking me in the leg or at least pressing against my skin. I was pretty much folded in half so I figured the odds were good I should have felt at least one or two jabs. I'm sure the guys out there know what happened next. I slapped and pressed against my pockets like a mad man hoping to feel them. When that turned out to be a bust, I dug into them like there was gold in dem der pockets. Still a bust. I asked Kelly if she had them. Nope. OH SON-OF-A..... wait a minute. I suddenly had this feeling that when I changed from my shoes into flip-flops, I didn't lock my truck. Okay, thank God. I bet they are right next to my shoes inside the truck. Everything was going to be fine.

  Fast forward twenty minutes, Kelly is standing with me outside my truck looking very unhappy. It could have been the fact that she wasn't feeling very well or it could have been the fact I had just realized my truck keys were at the bottom of the river. Yep, the ending of our trip was pretty much doomed to be sucky from the very beginning. Go life. Oh, and to make things complete, the only working phone we had was Kelly's and that was inside my truck. So, calling for help was going to be a breeze.

  As I mentioned before, we are great adventurers, so we eventually came up with a plan. A quick call to the local police department and thanks to a kindly police officer, we had access to my truck and Kelly's phone. We also learned that because I didn't use my key to unlock the doors, every time we opened one of them, my panic alarm would wail for about 10 minutes straight. I'm sure the neighbor was lining up with their pitch forks and hot tar to thank us for that one.

  Kelly called two of her friends, to come get us. Let me tell you guys. There is no better way to score points with some of your girlfriend's closest friends than to have them drive 40 minutes on a Sunday to pick your stupid ass up. BFFs forever.

  We figured since we had a forty minute wait we would grab some food. There was a small family diner called Gabrielle's near J & B Tubing, so that's where we went. The food was pretty good, and our waitress made sure our drinks were always full.

  In all the travelling I have been doing lately there is on thing I have definitely noticed. Small town diners and restaurants give you amazingly large serving sizes and the prices are very reasonable. So, before you stop at a McDonald's or Taco Bell, give the local family run restaurant a try.

  Oops... I got side tracked. Where was I again?... Oh yes, Kelly's friends picked us up and drove us all the way back to Madison. Then Kelly and I immediately climbed into her van and drove back to get my truck.

  After saying goodbye to Kelly and a very long, long day, I drove home with two things I was positive of. One, I owed her big time. And two, I totally suck at planning romantic-fun activities. On a positive note, at least she didn't get hurt or die. That has to count for something, right?...right?...Anyone?

 

 

 

 

 

The Weekend I Almost Died

  So, here's the thing, I didn't really plan on writing anything today. It is Saturday after all. That means it is time to put all work aside, grab Kelly and head to the beach. I've got a new Captain America speedo I wanted to show off.

  Unfortunately, Kelly, my girlfriend, saw what I planned to wear to the beach. I have a feeling something about the speedo didn't sit well with her, because after seeing it she fainted and hit her head on a watermelon. She's at the doctor right now getting the watermelon removed. Sticky like glue those watermelons.
  Anyway, since I know have some free time, I figured I would kick out a quick blog and I already know the topic thanks to you guys. Everyone has been emailing me asking, "How did the weekend getaway to the cabin go?"

  I originally meant to write about my little vacation as soon as I arrived home Monday afternoon, but several things forced me to post pone it. Like my computer coming to life and having to get a new one, a crickets vs bearded dragon war, a desire for ketchup and  giving dating advice. Although, I would say the main reason I haven't written about this weekend is the same reason you don't look in the mirror and say Bloody Mary three times. I was concerned that by writing about certain things that occurred this weekend I might draw their attention, but after getting some blessings done by a local gypsy I am ready to go.

Welcome to Nowhere!

  The three hour drive to Willard for Kelly and I, was fairly uneventful. There was some interesting scenery, a few rest stop breaks and I stalked a JuJu Fruit truck. It wasn't till we were just about to arrive at the cabin that things started getting a little weird. We passed under a bridge and we came out the other side our Garmin GPS had gone blank. According to it, we were no where.

  I should point out that after this trip I have decided to add a lot more rules to my Rules for Not Dying list. My next trip I will post an updated list.

  The area was very peaceful and secluded. Our next nearest neighbor was like a quarter mile away. The literature the nuns gave us when we checked in claimed that the Center was a great place to do some painting or writing or to simply 'unplug' from the world for a bit. We were choosing the unplug part. Sort of. Kelly brought her computer to act as a radio and I left my phone on just in case. I would like to point out my phone was of little use since I didn't get a signal the entire weekend. Go Sprint.

  Our cabin was awesome. It was actually pretty big with a loft. The cabin had apparently been moved from an old Native American burial ground to the center. Once at the Center the nuns had electricity and plumbing installed. I thought we would have to bring a lot of things with us, but the cabin was pre-stocked with bath towels, blankets, dishes, pots and pans, soap, stove and microwave. I think Kelly and I spent about 10 minutes exploring the place. Like two kids running around on Easter trying to find all the hidden eggs. While checking out the sink and the shower, I accidentally knocked a glass cup of the counter. It broke on the ground. At first, I didn't think anything of it. That is until I read a typed note that was next to the cup. It said:

"This cup was made by the original nuns

who first came here in 1824. The cup

brings blessings to all who use it and

sorrow to those who disrespect it."

  Great, we were there for about 15 minutes and already I am cursed by nuns. Ah well, I figured I would buy the nuns a new one and that would make things all good. Then I looked down and saw that the rug on the floor had slid revealing something. I bent down and pulled the rug all the way back.  What I saw almost made me grab Kelly and my bags and head for the truck. There secret hatch. 

Secret Hatch to Hell?

  Kelly came and looked at it. She told me it was probably where they kept the water heater. I hypothesised that it was where the nuns buried the bodies. After about ten minutes of Kelly calling me chicken, I finally manned up and pulled the hatch up. We were both wrong. It was an empty space, but towards the back of it there looked to be an opening to a small tunnel.

  Okay, great way for the nuns to get us. I closed the hatch and calmly searched the cabin for the heaviest thing I could find. It was a sixty pound statue of a monk.  With a lot of effort I moved the statue on top of the hatch. George, as I came to call the statue, became the center piece of our bathroom.

Evil statue uses evil heat
vision on a butterfly. 

  By the time we unpacked and put everything away, it was to late to go get dinner provided by the nuns at the main building, so instead we looked on the map and found a town about thirty minutes away that had a family restaurant in it. Being the hungriest I ran out of the cabin, but came to a stop. There was another monk statue. This one was right in front of where we parked the truck. The thing is, it wasn't there before. And it didn't have the smile that George did. This one looked like he just had Maury tell him, "you are the baby's daddy".

  I asked Kelly if she remembered seeing the statue when we first pulled in. She couldn't remember, but she assumed it had to be there. It's not like it just appeared out of no where. Kelly realized she forgot her keys, and went back for them. I can't be sure what happened next, but I'm pretty sure the evil statue made a butterfly explode.

  A lot of crazy stuff was going on, but so far none of it went against my rules. Although as I said before, I have since added to my rules. Luckily, nothing else weird reared its head the rest of the day, so we enjoyed a nice meal then came back and sat on our porch and talked. We both even got a good night sleep.

  Day two or round two. I suppose it depends on how you look at it. After, a good night sleep I had pretty much forgotten about all the previous days craziness. I was ready to do some hiking and exploring. Kelly had done a little research and knew of a town about twenty minutes away with some awesome hiking trails.

  The trails were well maintained and went on for some distance. I think the shortest one was about 1.5 miles. The best part was, there was no sign of houses, businesses, and on that day no other people. We pretty much had the trails to ourselves. Or so we thought.

Bigfoot like creature vanished into
this tree line.

  When we were hiking the trail took us near the bank of a river. It was so beautiful we stopped and took a little Powerbar break. On the opposite bank I swear I something that looked like a giant ape. It was hard to tell but I knew it wasn't a bear or a human. It stood about 7 feet tall and walked like a human and had long arms dangling at its side, but it appeared to be covered in hair. The eyes though. I saw the eyes and they were definitely human. I tried to take a picture but by the time I pointed the camera it was gone. I didn't bother mentioning it to Kelly. She was already having doubts about my sanity due to the previous day observations. With my mouth shut, we continued on.

  On the hike I was pretty sure I saw a leprechaun and maybe a U.F.O, but I kept silent about it all. And as with Bigfoot, I just wasn't fast enough with the camera.

  We hiked for about fours hours then hit the town for another meal. As with the last, the food was perfect and the serving sizes were huge. I suppose ordering a chili cheese dog for the ride home was a bit of overkill, but I have a rule that states: Whenever you run across a A&W, you stop. Full or not. Kelly made the more sensible choice of getting some ice cream.

  Back at the cabin, we once again decided to just relax on our porch. Kelly was finally getting some writing in and I was delving into the book I have been trying to finish for the last three months. At one point I looked up and  was a little disturbed when I noticed the evil monk statue was gone, but I decided it was better to keep my mouth shut about the crazy things I see. I figure either I'm super sensitive to supernatural stuff or going insane. Either way, I'd rather Kelly not look at me like I've been sipping from the crazy juice. And that is the main reason, I didn't mention the Deer of the Damned.

Deer of the Damned!

  I saw a deer grazing among the trees about ten feet in front of our cabin. "Awww, aren't you a cute little deer. Do you want a chili cheese dog?" Kelly gave me a smile then went back to her writing

I swear that as soon as she put her eyes down, the deer glared at me with eyes as red as blood.

  With a deep sigh, I went back to my book, but this time I focused on every single word. Blocking the Deer of the Damned from my mind.

We stayed on the porch for a little while longer, but when the bugs came out, Kelly was ready to go in. And even though I couldn't see the deer anymore I knew it was out there and hungry for human flesh. As we went in, I saw a nun walking down the road. I waved but I don't think she saw me.

  The next couple of hours passed pretty quickly thanks to some friendly games of Uno. We quit after about five games, because our check out time was 10:00 am and we still had to repack our stuff. Once in bed, I turned off the lights. What was odd was that the night before when I turned off the lights there was still a lot of light coming from the moon. Tonight however, the cabin seemed to be filled with pure darkness. I couldn't see my hand when it was right in front of my face. For a while I tried to deal with how dark it was, but with everything that had already happened, there was no way I would get any sleep. As I reached for the lamp next to me, I noticed two glowing white circles in the window. Not just circles, they were eyes. A gasp escaped from me and I turned on the lamp. It was a face. The face of the nun who checked us in. Her eyes were glowing and she was showing fangs that dripped with saliva. I checked the other windows. There were Cannibalistic Demon Nuns at all of them. They reached for the windows but as soon as their hands made contact, they began to smoke and burn.

  I had placed protection charms on all the windows and on the hatch that George guarded in the bathroom. Which turned out to be a good idea because I could hear pounding from beneath it. Through all of the commotion Kelly continued to sleep. I think the snoring helped to cover the nuns pounding and chanting.

  Needless to say I did not sleep at all that night. The Cannibalistic Demon Nuns finally gave up when the sun started to rise. I guess they can only show their true form in the night. By the time Kelly woke up I had finished packing everything and was ready to leave. With a final good bye to George, we left.   

  The ride home was fairly uneventful. I would go into detail about all the places we stopped at on the way home, but I just received a call from Kelly. It seems the doctors were able to finally get the watermelon off her head. Time to go be a good boyfriend. Till next time.