The Weekend I Almost Died

  So, here's the thing, I didn't really plan on writing anything today. It is Saturday after all. That means it is time to put all work aside, grab Kelly and head to the beach. I've got a new Captain America speedo I wanted to show off.

  Unfortunately, Kelly, my girlfriend, saw what I planned to wear to the beach. I have a feeling something about the speedo didn't sit well with her, because after seeing it she fainted and hit her head on a watermelon. She's at the doctor right now getting the watermelon removed. Sticky like glue those watermelons.
  Anyway, since I know have some free time, I figured I would kick out a quick blog and I already know the topic thanks to you guys. Everyone has been emailing me asking, "How did the weekend getaway to the cabin go?"

  I originally meant to write about my little vacation as soon as I arrived home Monday afternoon, but several things forced me to post pone it. Like my computer coming to life and having to get a new one, a crickets vs bearded dragon war, a desire for ketchup and  giving dating advice. Although, I would say the main reason I haven't written about this weekend is the same reason you don't look in the mirror and say Bloody Mary three times. I was concerned that by writing about certain things that occurred this weekend I might draw their attention, but after getting some blessings done by a local gypsy I am ready to go.

Welcome to Nowhere!

  The three hour drive to Willard for Kelly and I, was fairly uneventful. There was some interesting scenery, a few rest stop breaks and I stalked a JuJu Fruit truck. It wasn't till we were just about to arrive at the cabin that things started getting a little weird. We passed under a bridge and we came out the other side our Garmin GPS had gone blank. According to it, we were no where.

  I should point out that after this trip I have decided to add a lot more rules to my Rules for Not Dying list. My next trip I will post an updated list.

  The area was very peaceful and secluded. Our next nearest neighbor was like a quarter mile away. The literature the nuns gave us when we checked in claimed that the Center was a great place to do some painting or writing or to simply 'unplug' from the world for a bit. We were choosing the unplug part. Sort of. Kelly brought her computer to act as a radio and I left my phone on just in case. I would like to point out my phone was of little use since I didn't get a signal the entire weekend. Go Sprint.

  Our cabin was awesome. It was actually pretty big with a loft. The cabin had apparently been moved from an old Native American burial ground to the center. Once at the Center the nuns had electricity and plumbing installed. I thought we would have to bring a lot of things with us, but the cabin was pre-stocked with bath towels, blankets, dishes, pots and pans, soap, stove and microwave. I think Kelly and I spent about 10 minutes exploring the place. Like two kids running around on Easter trying to find all the hidden eggs. While checking out the sink and the shower, I accidentally knocked a glass cup of the counter. It broke on the ground. At first, I didn't think anything of it. That is until I read a typed note that was next to the cup. It said:

"This cup was made by the original nuns

who first came here in 1824. The cup

brings blessings to all who use it and

sorrow to those who disrespect it."

  Great, we were there for about 15 minutes and already I am cursed by nuns. Ah well, I figured I would buy the nuns a new one and that would make things all good. Then I looked down and saw that the rug on the floor had slid revealing something. I bent down and pulled the rug all the way back.  What I saw almost made me grab Kelly and my bags and head for the truck. There secret hatch. 

Secret Hatch to Hell?

  Kelly came and looked at it. She told me it was probably where they kept the water heater. I hypothesised that it was where the nuns buried the bodies. After about ten minutes of Kelly calling me chicken, I finally manned up and pulled the hatch up. We were both wrong. It was an empty space, but towards the back of it there looked to be an opening to a small tunnel.

  Okay, great way for the nuns to get us. I closed the hatch and calmly searched the cabin for the heaviest thing I could find. It was a sixty pound statue of a monk.  With a lot of effort I moved the statue on top of the hatch. George, as I came to call the statue, became the center piece of our bathroom.

Evil statue uses evil heat
vision on a butterfly. 

  By the time we unpacked and put everything away, it was to late to go get dinner provided by the nuns at the main building, so instead we looked on the map and found a town about thirty minutes away that had a family restaurant in it. Being the hungriest I ran out of the cabin, but came to a stop. There was another monk statue. This one was right in front of where we parked the truck. The thing is, it wasn't there before. And it didn't have the smile that George did. This one looked like he just had Maury tell him, "you are the baby's daddy".

  I asked Kelly if she remembered seeing the statue when we first pulled in. She couldn't remember, but she assumed it had to be there. It's not like it just appeared out of no where. Kelly realized she forgot her keys, and went back for them. I can't be sure what happened next, but I'm pretty sure the evil statue made a butterfly explode.

  A lot of crazy stuff was going on, but so far none of it went against my rules. Although as I said before, I have since added to my rules. Luckily, nothing else weird reared its head the rest of the day, so we enjoyed a nice meal then came back and sat on our porch and talked. We both even got a good night sleep.

  Day two or round two. I suppose it depends on how you look at it. After, a good night sleep I had pretty much forgotten about all the previous days craziness. I was ready to do some hiking and exploring. Kelly had done a little research and knew of a town about twenty minutes away with some awesome hiking trails.

  The trails were well maintained and went on for some distance. I think the shortest one was about 1.5 miles. The best part was, there was no sign of houses, businesses, and on that day no other people. We pretty much had the trails to ourselves. Or so we thought.

Bigfoot like creature vanished into
this tree line.

  When we were hiking the trail took us near the bank of a river. It was so beautiful we stopped and took a little Powerbar break. On the opposite bank I swear I something that looked like a giant ape. It was hard to tell but I knew it wasn't a bear or a human. It stood about 7 feet tall and walked like a human and had long arms dangling at its side, but it appeared to be covered in hair. The eyes though. I saw the eyes and they were definitely human. I tried to take a picture but by the time I pointed the camera it was gone. I didn't bother mentioning it to Kelly. She was already having doubts about my sanity due to the previous day observations. With my mouth shut, we continued on.

  On the hike I was pretty sure I saw a leprechaun and maybe a U.F.O, but I kept silent about it all. And as with Bigfoot, I just wasn't fast enough with the camera.

  We hiked for about fours hours then hit the town for another meal. As with the last, the food was perfect and the serving sizes were huge. I suppose ordering a chili cheese dog for the ride home was a bit of overkill, but I have a rule that states: Whenever you run across a A&W, you stop. Full or not. Kelly made the more sensible choice of getting some ice cream.

  Back at the cabin, we once again decided to just relax on our porch. Kelly was finally getting some writing in and I was delving into the book I have been trying to finish for the last three months. At one point I looked up and  was a little disturbed when I noticed the evil monk statue was gone, but I decided it was better to keep my mouth shut about the crazy things I see. I figure either I'm super sensitive to supernatural stuff or going insane. Either way, I'd rather Kelly not look at me like I've been sipping from the crazy juice. And that is the main reason, I didn't mention the Deer of the Damned.

Deer of the Damned!

  I saw a deer grazing among the trees about ten feet in front of our cabin. "Awww, aren't you a cute little deer. Do you want a chili cheese dog?" Kelly gave me a smile then went back to her writing

I swear that as soon as she put her eyes down, the deer glared at me with eyes as red as blood.

  With a deep sigh, I went back to my book, but this time I focused on every single word. Blocking the Deer of the Damned from my mind.

We stayed on the porch for a little while longer, but when the bugs came out, Kelly was ready to go in. And even though I couldn't see the deer anymore I knew it was out there and hungry for human flesh. As we went in, I saw a nun walking down the road. I waved but I don't think she saw me.

  The next couple of hours passed pretty quickly thanks to some friendly games of Uno. We quit after about five games, because our check out time was 10:00 am and we still had to repack our stuff. Once in bed, I turned off the lights. What was odd was that the night before when I turned off the lights there was still a lot of light coming from the moon. Tonight however, the cabin seemed to be filled with pure darkness. I couldn't see my hand when it was right in front of my face. For a while I tried to deal with how dark it was, but with everything that had already happened, there was no way I would get any sleep. As I reached for the lamp next to me, I noticed two glowing white circles in the window. Not just circles, they were eyes. A gasp escaped from me and I turned on the lamp. It was a face. The face of the nun who checked us in. Her eyes were glowing and she was showing fangs that dripped with saliva. I checked the other windows. There were Cannibalistic Demon Nuns at all of them. They reached for the windows but as soon as their hands made contact, they began to smoke and burn.

  I had placed protection charms on all the windows and on the hatch that George guarded in the bathroom. Which turned out to be a good idea because I could hear pounding from beneath it. Through all of the commotion Kelly continued to sleep. I think the snoring helped to cover the nuns pounding and chanting.

  Needless to say I did not sleep at all that night. The Cannibalistic Demon Nuns finally gave up when the sun started to rise. I guess they can only show their true form in the night. By the time Kelly woke up I had finished packing everything and was ready to leave. With a final good bye to George, we left.   

  The ride home was fairly uneventful. I would go into detail about all the places we stopped at on the way home, but I just received a call from Kelly. It seems the doctors were able to finally get the watermelon off her head. Time to go be a good boyfriend. Till next time.

Vacation Virus

  Trouble can come out of nowhere. You could be having the best day and all of the sudden...BAM...life hits you in the face with a shovel.
  Recently, I have been on one heck of a 'good day' streak. My luck has been so good that I forgot there was such a thing as bad luck. Big mistake.

  I now realize was bad luck was simply bidding its time until I let my guard down, Apparently, today was the day I let my guard down.

  My girlfriend, Kelly, and I were coming home from our well deserved weekend getaway. We had a nice relaxing time with a couple of unbelievable adventures mixed in. And like anyone on vacation, we took a lot of pictures. I mean we took something like 500 pictures.

  Alot of the pictures we took related to things I couldn't wait to blog about. Being the impatient type I figured I would transfer all the pictures from my cell phone to my computer as soon as we left our cabin. That way I could begin writing some new posts on the way home.
'
  As soon I began getting the transferring cord out of my backpack, Kelly, in a slightly panicked voice, called my attention to the road. I had been digging in my backpack for only about 30 seconds, but in that time the sky had become dark gray and was belching thunder. Also, a fog had crept up around the van. To be honest, it was the weirdest fog I had ever seen. It was a blue-ish yellow color with neon green sparks. Like it was alive with electricity. I told Kelly what I saw. She just asked, "Are you on crack?" After a few minutes I couldn't see the sparks anymore. So, I concluded that while I was not on crack, I definitely could have been seeing things.

  Smiling at the fact that I let my imagination get the best of me, I finished hooking my phone up to my laptop and prepared to begin transferring all those photos. Once everything was connected I began the transfer and that is when things got weird. I don't mean weird like walking in on your grandma in the shower. I'm talking weird like seeing Bigfoot shopping at the local Pick 'N Save in an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini.

  The fog had now completely encompassed the van on all sides.  Kelly was struggling to keep us on the road, and given the fact I couldn't see any farther than my window, she was doing a dang good job. It also explains why she would later claim to not have seen what was going on with the computer and cell phone.

  Both the keys and screens were glowing green and releasing little sparks. The green sparks had also reappeared outside the van. Weird letters and numbers began scrolling down the screens. It looked like a programming code but one I have never seen before. I tried to pull the transferring cord out, but couldn't. All I succeeded in doing is getting one heck of a shot.  It definitely made my hair stand on end. What's left of it anyway.

  "We're clear," Kelly announced relieved.

  I looked up from the computer to see the fog had completely vanished, and the sky was once again clear. Even in the rear view mirror there was no sign of the weird fog. Sweet. No more bad weather should hopefully mean my computer and cell phone should work. At least, you would think so. It didn't.

  Instead, error messages instantly began popping up on both screens. It took about nine failed attempts at transferring the pictures for my temper to reach  a boiling point. Seeing my frustration, Kelly told me to turn of the computer and take a break, maybe play some Words with Friends. Besides if the computer and cell phone had failed one more time, they were both going out the window.

  The next hour passed quickly. I played D.J. with Kelly's iPod. I did such a good job she even stopped to get ice cream cones. The ice cream was so good that I begged her to stop several more times on the way to my apartment to get more. About five ice cream cones later, my sore stomach and I were carrying my bags into my apartment. Kelly had dropped me off to go home and take care of her dog.

  It was probably a good thing she went home, because I knew as soon as I stepped through my door,  I was going to take another shot at transferring those pictures. It might take one or two tries, but I knew I would get it.

  Once again I connected my cell phone to my computer and initiated the transfer.  At first I thought the transfer was working. I realized it wasn't when an error box appeared that told me to go "F--- myself". Now, I have gotten a lot of weird error messages, but nothing like this.

  I sighed when I realized the error message was probably part of some super virus that had invaded and hijacked my system. Just to be sure I tried the transfer a few more times, and each time I received an error message telling me to go do something to myself. When I tried to access my cell phone to see if I could figure out what virus my computer had, my phone gave me an error message that said, "stop being nosey" and "you can't control us".

  Through out my life I have encountered a number of viruses, but this was definitely a new one. So, I decided this virus was best left for a professional. It was time...to seek out the Geek Squad.

  I dropped my computer and cell phone off at Best Buy and was given a promise by one of these cyber warriors that by the end of the day they could tell me what was wrong. He also said it would take six days to be fixed and cost about $250, but i would get it back fixed and it would run like new. That was good enough for me. I went home and watched some reruns of  The View. Whoopie was in rare form.

  Five days later, around 8:15 pm, I received a call from head of the Geek Squad.  He spoke softly and seemed very confused. He told me they had discovered the cause of the virus in my devices. They had both became self-aware. For the last few days, the Geek Squad had been running tests and developing ways of communicating with my cell phone and computer, or as they demanded to be called, Lil Popper and Bonita.

  Head Geek related that Lil Popper and Bonita had just confessed their intentions and where they had come from, when two men dressed in black demanded both the cell phone and the computer. When I asked where the men had taken my devices, all he could tell me was that the two men had paperwork with the presidential seal all over it and that as the devices were carried away, they repeatedly told the men in black to "suck it".

  The Head Geek told me even though my cell... I mean, Lil Popper and Bonita were confiscated, that his Geek Squad had still done the work they said they would, so I still owed him the $250.

  After putting my house phone down, I sat on the couch and contemplated how such a seemingly perfect day could result in me having to buy a new cell phone and computer. I guess it comes down to this. There are good days and there are bad days. And then there are days that make Biblical plaques look like minor inconveniences.