Things Human Resources Says I Can't Do Anymore

  Here's a few things the human resources guy at my company says I'm not allowed to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like they have it out for me.

     1.  I'm not allowed to empty all the metal out of a furnace and try to fill it with chocolate pudding anymore.

     2.  I can't do puppet shows for people in the the bathroom when the puppets are two white worms. Apparently it freaked some people out and for others caused confusion and some horrible things happened... I don't want to talk about it.

     3.  I have to stop sending subscriptions for Penthouse, Playboy, and Boy's Life to members of the board.

     4.  I have to stop using the presses to crack open walnuts.

     5.  The medicine cabinet is for emergencies only. Taking all the gauze out just so I can wrap myself up like a mummy is no longer prohibited. Playing mummy is not an emergency. Their words not mine. I'm guessing they never needed a Halloween costume at the last minute.

     6.  I have to stop telling people that our factory is built on top of an ancient Mayan burial ground.

     7.  I also have to stop using the intercom system to play the song, "Its a Small World" over and over again. Apparently, it gives some people horrible flashbacks.

The Sideways Smile

  Have you ever found yourself sort of dreamily drifting through the day only to suddenly realize not only has nothing gone wrong, but everything is going impossibly right.

  You seem to find large amounts of money in the strangest of places. Everyone at work brings in cookies for no special occasion. You get a raise at your job. People whistle and ‘check you out’ wherever you go. Dogs and cats bow at your feet. You swear the air around you smells oddly like watermelon flavored Jolly Ranchers. Casting agents want you for the newest soap opera. And you win every time you do one of those instant win lottery scratch off tickets. It’s the perfect day.

  And as you walk down the sidewalk contemplating your good fortune, you happen upon an elderly gentleman bent over tying his shoes.

  Immediately you freeze. You can’t believe your seeing what you’re seeing. This can’t be happening. Not on your perfect day.

  Moments ago you were thinking of surprising your girlfriend or boyfriend with a romantic trip to Las Vegas and how all you can think about is the old man’s butt crack that’s pointed right at you.

  Its not fair. You didn’t ask to see it yet there it is peeking up at you. Mocking you. There really should be a law about who can and can’t show their butt crack or what is better known as the sideways smile.

  For instance, when your plumber comes over you expect to see the sideways smile. Its almost part of their 

uniform. You don’t, however, expect to catch your grandma flashing you ‘the smile’.

  Here’s a list of ten other people who’s sideways smiles you probably want to avoid at all costs, or risk having to burn out your eyes.

1.        Your dentist

2.       Your priest, rabbi, bishop or any other religious figure. (Except for the Pope. I just think it would be funny)

3.       The President of the United States

4.       Your server at the restaurant

5.       The health inspector

6.       A cop giving you a ticket

7.       The greeter at Wal-mart

8.       A manure inspector

9.       Your mom ( Sadly, its totally legal for dad's to show theirs. For some reason.)

10.   Someone who is known to have bad gas

The SyFy Original Movie Mega List

  Lately, I have put a lot of thought into the movies I like to watch, and also how much effort seems to go into defending those movies. 

  I am a fan of the 'B movie', mostly in the sci-fi and horror genres. Its hard not to love how campy they are,  the bad acting,  the cheesy monsters and the off-the-wall plots. But what I love most of all are the movie  titles.

  When people or even my girlfriend ask me what I watched over the weekend, its fun to drop a title like, Mega Shark Vs Mecha Shark. I can always tell by their expressions that they aren't a 100% sure if I really did watch that movie or I'm just making stuff up, because I don't want them to know how I spend my weekends.

  To help those unsure people out, I've scoured the internet and pooled together a list of every SyFy Original movie ever made. This way if someone you are talking to mentions the name of some too-weird-to-be-true cheesy movie,  you can just consult this list to see if it really does exist or if they are just to polite to tell you to mind your own business.

  *Note: The titles below are all real. I didn't make up any of them... even though it might seem like I did. Also, they aren't in alphabetical order. Deal with it.

Sharktopus
Sharknado
Babylon 5: The Legend of the Rangers
Alien Apocalypse
Alien Hunter
Dinocroc
S.S. Doomtrooper
Dinoshark
Dragon Storm
Yeti: Curse of the Snow Demon
Chupacabra: Dark Seas
Beast of the Bering Sea
Alien Siege
Triassic Attack
Almighty Thor
Vikingdom
Big Ass Spider
Shark Swarm
Ragin Cajun Redneck Gators
Pumpkinhead: Blood Feud
Annihilation Earth
Copperhead
Robocroc
Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy
Mega Snake
Planet Raptor
Alien Express
Boa vs. Python
Dinocroc vs. Supergator
Painkiller Jane
Rise of the Gargoyles
Riverworld
Lake Placid 3
Grendel
Battlestar Galactica: Razor
Deathlands: Homeward Bound
Children of the Corn
Blood Monkey
Battlestar Galactica: The Plan
Croc
Abominable
High Plains Invaders
Wyvern
The Immortal Voyage of Captain Drake
Ferocious Planet
Decoys
Stonehenge Apocalypse
Alien Lockdown
Frankenfish
Attack of the Sabretooth
Deep Shock
Grizzly Rage
Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep
Stonado
Flu Bird Horror
Pumpkinhead: Ashes to Ashes
Slipstream
Savage Planet
The Black Hole
Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the   Dragon God
Cube 2: Hypercube
Battlestar Galactica: Blood & Chrome
George and the Dragon
House of the Dead 2
Curse of the Komodo
Encrypt
Momentum
Red: Werewolf Hunter
Cerberus
Caved In: Prehistoric Terror
Anacondas: Trail of Blood
Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
Komodo vs. Cobra
In the Spider's Web
Beyond Re-Animator
Descent
Mega Python vs. Gatoroid
Firestarter: Rekindled
Sands of Oblivion
Minotaur
Wraiths of Roanoke
Supergator
KAW
Snakehead Terror
Gryphon
Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys
Lightspeed
Path of Destruction
Project Viper
Man-Thing
Wolvesbayne
Piranhaconda
Something Beneath
The Harpy
Anonymous Rex
Bats: Human Harvest
Black Swarm
Swamp Devil
Carny
Rock Monster
Heatstroke
Star Runners
Anaconda 3: Offspring
Ice Spiders
The Hive
Swamp Shark
Sea Beast
Locusts: The 8th Plague
Mosquito Man
Mongolian Death Worm
Mammoth
Raptor Island
Sand Serpents
Odysseus and the Isle of the Mists
Lake Placid 2
Vipers
Sabretooth
Iron Invader
Larva
Malibu Shark Attack
The Eden Formula
Pterodactyl
The Mercury Men
Silent Warnings
Red Faction: Origins
Skeleton Man
The Fallen Ones
Mega Piranha
Slayer

 

 

Six Things I Think About In The 10 Item Or Less Line

  1.  How do you not know how to swipe your bank/ credit card through the machine yet?

  2.  How do you have 30 some items in a 10 item or less line?

  3.  If I "accidentally" knock your box Captain Crunch on to the floor, does that mean I get to go ahead of you and your creepy child who is starring at the cashier like he might go all C
hildren-of-the-Corn on him at any moment?

  4.  You would think '10 items or less' would mean you would get through the line faster, but the store balances that out by putting their slowest person on that register.

  5. What is that purple stuff on the floor and why does it look like it is crawling?

  6.  Now, how did I just get kicked out of the '10 items or less' line for having 11 items when the guy in front of me made it through with at least 30 items? I bet he is totally sleeping with the cashier.