Hey, You Can''t Run Here. There's A Race Going On

  As a nerd with a healthy appreciation for all things random, I live my life walking that thin line between what is logical and the illogical.

  Most people tend to look at you with more than just a little skepticism when you tell them that the illogical is just as likely to be true as the logical.

  I mean just because something doesn't make sense at first doesn't mean it isn't logical. It could simply mean we haven't found the right way to look at it or current knowledge isn't capable of explaining what we are seeing.

  So, when someone tells me about something that couldn't possibly make sense, I just smile. Who's to say what can and can't be discovered simply through the act of keeping an open mind.

  I have long held the belief that as long as one keeps an open mind there is nothing that can't eventually be explained...That is until today.

  My girlfriend and her family are very into running. At least, the majority of them are.

  In just a few weeks, her mom, dad and she are going to the Wisconsin Dells to take part in one of those themed fun runs I had just written about in a past post.

  This one has a cowboy and cowgirl theme. Which means for a sizable registration fee you get a cowboy hat, a handkerchief and the chance to run a 5k at 8 a.m. on a Saturday morning.

  I try to support my girlfriend in everything she does. Even things that start at 8 a.m. on a Saturday morning.

  She told me about a few spots along the race route where I could watch and cheer her on. I told her I would do her one better. Forget being a glorified cheerleader standing on the sidelines. I would run along with her.

  Now, rather than spend the next 20 paragraphs typing 'she said' and 'I said', I think I'm just going to switch to a scripted dialogue format for a bit. Trust me, it will just make things so much easier.

   GF:   You can't run. Registration is closed
   ME:  Well, I don't need the hat and all that stuff. I'll just run along side of you and keep you company.
   GF:   You can't do that.
   ME:   I can't just run along side you?
   GF:   Nope. It's illegal.
   ME:   Illegal?
   GF:   Yep.
   ME:   How is it illegal?
   GF:    Because you aren't registered. So, it would be a security risk.
   ME:   But its just running. They can't stop me from running.
   GF:    That's what sister thought. She was going to just run along with my mom at a race. Then just
               as the race started the police stepped in and stopped my sister. They told her she had to leave.
   ME:   That doesn't make sense. All she was doing was running. Running can't be illegal.
   GF:   It is when it is a privately sponsored event. You can run on the sidewalk though.
   ME: What the Frak!

These police officers are taunting those who can't run

  At this point, the subject changed to something about beef tips I think. I don't fully remember. mostly because I was still trying to figure out how running can be illegal. Whether it is a privately sponsored event or not shouldn't matter.

  The city may technically own the streets, but its our tax dollars that helped build and repair them. So, if I want to run in the street, I'm going to run in the street. Let's see them try and stop me.

  As far as they know, I am just your average city dweller out enjoying the day by going for a short run.

  This is supposed to be America. Land of the free and home to people who want to run. But apparently not if there is a race already going on. Then you need to just find a spot along the sidelines and cheer, because God help you if you take one step that resembles anything close to that of a runner's stride.

  A police office with maybe a little too much to prove will yell out, "Hey you. You can't run here. There's a race going on." And should you choose to ignore him, he might just shoot you in the leg and claim you were trying to flee.

  When it comes to supporting my girlfriend, I think I will gladly fulfill my role as her sideline cheerleader. It may not be as impressive as running a 5k, but then again, no one is going to shoot me for running either. I'll call that a win for logic.

The Fun Run Concept

  Has anyone else noticed that quirky themed 'fun runs' have become about as synonymous with the fall season as Miley Cyrus has become with power tools.

Tis The Season Fun Run 2008

  Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the fun run concept. In fact, I'm quite in
favor of it.

  I can say for a fact that if you tell me I have to spend $25 to $50 to wake up at 6 a.m. just to put on a pair of spandex shorts and a t-shirt so I can go out in to the cold and run a 5k, I  will most likely throw the nearest thing at your head. FYI - you will only find a radio, a tv remote and a smartphone on my night stand. I'm just saying.

  However, if you throw some costume at me and tell me every one else is dressing up in costume for some specially themed 5k then you have a much better chance of getting me out of bed. Especially, if I get a cool event t-shirt or hat at the end, just for participating.

  Another factor that makes fun runs so much better than other running events is the fun names. I would much rather participate in the Ugly Sweater Fun Run than the Gatorade 5k. The ladder even sounds boring. In researching this post, and by that i mean just Googling the phrase 'fun run', I came across dozens of listings for upcoming runs just in Wisconsin alone.

  Here's a sample of some of the names I found. Paws Fur A Cause. The Bunny Hop 5k. Shamrock Shuffle. Abominable Frostbite.  Schoolhouse Rock and Run. Mudchug Wisconsin 5k. The Cupcake Run. Wisconsin Zombie Mud Run 5k. Run Turkey Run. The Santa Hustle. The Jingle Bell Run.

  Honestly, I would run in anyone of those. In fact, I even marked a few that I will mostly likely try to talk some people into doing with me. Can I just say, the Cupcake Run is probably my favorite. Mostly, because I am picturing a person running backwards in front of me holding a fishing rod with a cupcake dangling from the end of it.

  The only negative thing I can say about the fun runs is that themes seem to get repeated quite a bit. I found at least five fun runs with a Santa theme just in Wisconsin alone. There were three turkey themed fun runs and seriously, the amount of zombie fun runs is literally untrackable.

  With so many themes starting to repeat themselves. I thought I would offer up a few suggestions of my own.

   1.  The Bun Run  -  I figure by now people have to be tired of dressing up in spandex shorts or ugly sweaters and in a few cases, Speedos. So, I figure, why not wear something that just screams summer fun...buns. That's right buns. Dress up as your favorite food. Anything is acceptable as long it comes in a bun. Some people might dress up as a hamburger or a chicken sandwich. There might even be a few sub sandwiches. I, however, will be going with the classic Chicago style hot dog.

   2.  The Godzilla Dash  -  I think just the name alone gives you a major hint as to what this run is about. Ever since I was 10, I have been in love with the Godzilla movies. Seriously, what's not to love. Giant monsters doing battle and destroying major cities and countries in the process. And best of all, there is always that one scene where Godzilla or which ever monster first enters the city then they quickly cut to people in the street just losing their shit. I have always wanted to be that one guy out of the mob who stops right in front of the camera, puts his hands on his cheeks and screams.

   3.  The Constipation Run  -  It may not be a pretty picture, and I'm not really sure one needs to be painted for you. I find at the mere mention of the word, constipation, peoples minds already begin creating all sorts of images. All of which, I'm sure, are way worse than anything I could come up with. The concept of this run is so unique, I challenge anyone to find anything similar already out there. For this run, you can wear anything you like. Shorts, jeans, sweat pants, a snuggie...its all gold. There are only two requirements. First, you must wear a pair of boxers around your ankles. This will help to create that  And the other is you need to carry a roll of toilet paper as you run. The special thing about this race is that there is another element. At the end of the 5k is a giant blue porta-potty. The first person to make it to the porta-potty gets a $50 gift card to Taco Bell.

  There you go. Three great ideas on how to put the fun back in fun run. Will anyone ever use them? Who can say. I realize some of the ideas may be a little powerful and new, but imagine the fun people would have. To attract new people to running, you have to not only show them that it can be fun, but that it is daring and a alive. If we refuse to do this, who else do we have to blame but ourselves, when people decide to start walking.