If I'm Behind You In The Check Out Line, I Probably Hate You

  Okay, I admit it. I am not the biggest fan of shopping. When I go to a store, I like to get in and get out. Unless, of course, I am at Best Buy. I can spend forever in there.

  Now for the most part when I go shopping I either already know what I am looking for or at least have a pretty good idea of what I want. Given this fact, I convince myself that I can be in and out of any store in less that ten minutes. Once, again Best Buy excluded. What I seem to always fail to consider is there is one area in the store I have no control over. And it is this one area that can take a happy three minute trip and warp it into a frustrating hour long endurance fest. I am speaking (all-be-it in whispers) of the dreaded check out line.

  The check out line can test the most patient of men, and being that I am nowhere near a patient man, eventually I begin to hate every person in front of me. Oh, and I have experienced everything listed below. The following are in no particular order or arranged by which I find more annoying. It's all pretty much the same to me and makes me want to yell, "You suck!". Here we go.

1.  You suck if you are that person who can't seem to pull him or herself away from their cell phone while the cashier is talking. What makes it worse is if you tell the cashier to 'give you a minute'.

2.  You suck if you are that person who digs in their pockets or purse for 20 minutes trying to find your bank card, all the while muttering, "I know it is here. I just had it".  What makes it worse is if you add slapping your pockets. Like doing that will magically summon it to the pocket you are slapping. You aren't Houdini. Calm the frak down.

3.  You suck if you are the person who's total comes to $10.01, and you spend 20 minutes shifting through your purse for that one penny. What makes it worse is if the cashier offers to take that penny from the penny dish, and you refuse out of pride.

4.  You suck if you are the person who's shopping cart is overflowing and you still push your way in front of me, even though I have one item. What makes it worse is if that one item is ice cream.

5.  You suck if you are in front of me talking none stop on your cell phone about your weekend trips and activities. What makes it worse is if I am about 99% sure there is no one else on the other end and you are just making crap up.

6.  You suck if you are the person who forgot to grab milk and then makes everyone wait while you run all the way across the store to get it. What makes it worse is if you send your kid.

7.  You suck if you are the person who gets so wrapped up in the tabloids coverage of the Kardashians that when the line moves forward, you don't. What makes it worse is if you start talking to me about those same stories. No! That's a bad human.

8.  You suck if you are the person who balances their checkbook at the check out after making a purchase. What makes it worse is if you ask the cashier for a calculator.

9.  You suck if you are the person who has 13 items and goes into the 12 items or less line and tries to get the cashier to ring that 13th item up separate because you are having some moral dilemma. What makes it worse is if you actually argue with the cashier when he says 13 items is no big deal.

10.  You suck if you are the guy who after his purchase is complete, spends the next 10 minutes hitting on the cashier. What makes it worse is if you keep trying to find ways to get her to go to your "buddies awesome party" even after she politely turned you down 5 times already.

  It's because of situations like these that I try to use the self check out lines as much as possible. Not surprisingly, I have begun to find things to hate about those too. Go figure. I guess that means in about a month or two, I'll be writing about why I hate self check out lines. Seriously, does the volume on those things have to be so loud. Like people need to know how much my eggs are. Ahhh...and so it begins.

Vacation Virus

  Trouble can come out of nowhere. You could be having the best day and all of the sudden...BAM...life hits you in the face with a shovel.
  Recently, I have been on one heck of a 'good day' streak. My luck has been so good that I forgot there was such a thing as bad luck. Big mistake.

  I now realize was bad luck was simply bidding its time until I let my guard down, Apparently, today was the day I let my guard down.

  My girlfriend, Kelly, and I were coming home from our well deserved weekend getaway. We had a nice relaxing time with a couple of unbelievable adventures mixed in. And like anyone on vacation, we took a lot of pictures. I mean we took something like 500 pictures.

  Alot of the pictures we took related to things I couldn't wait to blog about. Being the impatient type I figured I would transfer all the pictures from my cell phone to my computer as soon as we left our cabin. That way I could begin writing some new posts on the way home.
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  As soon I began getting the transferring cord out of my backpack, Kelly, in a slightly panicked voice, called my attention to the road. I had been digging in my backpack for only about 30 seconds, but in that time the sky had become dark gray and was belching thunder. Also, a fog had crept up around the van. To be honest, it was the weirdest fog I had ever seen. It was a blue-ish yellow color with neon green sparks. Like it was alive with electricity. I told Kelly what I saw. She just asked, "Are you on crack?" After a few minutes I couldn't see the sparks anymore. So, I concluded that while I was not on crack, I definitely could have been seeing things.

  Smiling at the fact that I let my imagination get the best of me, I finished hooking my phone up to my laptop and prepared to begin transferring all those photos. Once everything was connected I began the transfer and that is when things got weird. I don't mean weird like walking in on your grandma in the shower. I'm talking weird like seeing Bigfoot shopping at the local Pick 'N Save in an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini.

  The fog had now completely encompassed the van on all sides.  Kelly was struggling to keep us on the road, and given the fact I couldn't see any farther than my window, she was doing a dang good job. It also explains why she would later claim to not have seen what was going on with the computer and cell phone.

  Both the keys and screens were glowing green and releasing little sparks. The green sparks had also reappeared outside the van. Weird letters and numbers began scrolling down the screens. It looked like a programming code but one I have never seen before. I tried to pull the transferring cord out, but couldn't. All I succeeded in doing is getting one heck of a shot.  It definitely made my hair stand on end. What's left of it anyway.

  "We're clear," Kelly announced relieved.

  I looked up from the computer to see the fog had completely vanished, and the sky was once again clear. Even in the rear view mirror there was no sign of the weird fog. Sweet. No more bad weather should hopefully mean my computer and cell phone should work. At least, you would think so. It didn't.

  Instead, error messages instantly began popping up on both screens. It took about nine failed attempts at transferring the pictures for my temper to reach  a boiling point. Seeing my frustration, Kelly told me to turn of the computer and take a break, maybe play some Words with Friends. Besides if the computer and cell phone had failed one more time, they were both going out the window.

  The next hour passed quickly. I played D.J. with Kelly's iPod. I did such a good job she even stopped to get ice cream cones. The ice cream was so good that I begged her to stop several more times on the way to my apartment to get more. About five ice cream cones later, my sore stomach and I were carrying my bags into my apartment. Kelly had dropped me off to go home and take care of her dog.

  It was probably a good thing she went home, because I knew as soon as I stepped through my door,  I was going to take another shot at transferring those pictures. It might take one or two tries, but I knew I would get it.

  Once again I connected my cell phone to my computer and initiated the transfer.  At first I thought the transfer was working. I realized it wasn't when an error box appeared that told me to go "F--- myself". Now, I have gotten a lot of weird error messages, but nothing like this.

  I sighed when I realized the error message was probably part of some super virus that had invaded and hijacked my system. Just to be sure I tried the transfer a few more times, and each time I received an error message telling me to go do something to myself. When I tried to access my cell phone to see if I could figure out what virus my computer had, my phone gave me an error message that said, "stop being nosey" and "you can't control us".

  Through out my life I have encountered a number of viruses, but this was definitely a new one. So, I decided this virus was best left for a professional. It was time...to seek out the Geek Squad.

  I dropped my computer and cell phone off at Best Buy and was given a promise by one of these cyber warriors that by the end of the day they could tell me what was wrong. He also said it would take six days to be fixed and cost about $250, but i would get it back fixed and it would run like new. That was good enough for me. I went home and watched some reruns of  The View. Whoopie was in rare form.

  Five days later, around 8:15 pm, I received a call from head of the Geek Squad.  He spoke softly and seemed very confused. He told me they had discovered the cause of the virus in my devices. They had both became self-aware. For the last few days, the Geek Squad had been running tests and developing ways of communicating with my cell phone and computer, or as they demanded to be called, Lil Popper and Bonita.

  Head Geek related that Lil Popper and Bonita had just confessed their intentions and where they had come from, when two men dressed in black demanded both the cell phone and the computer. When I asked where the men had taken my devices, all he could tell me was that the two men had paperwork with the presidential seal all over it and that as the devices were carried away, they repeatedly told the men in black to "suck it".

  The Head Geek told me even though my cell... I mean, Lil Popper and Bonita were confiscated, that his Geek Squad had still done the work they said they would, so I still owed him the $250.

  After putting my house phone down, I sat on the couch and contemplated how such a seemingly perfect day could result in me having to buy a new cell phone and computer. I guess it comes down to this. There are good days and there are bad days. And then there are days that make Biblical plaques look like minor inconveniences.