Fall's Top Three TV Shows

  I know this is going to sound bad, but it never ceases to amaze me that when we help others we are in fact helping ourselves.

  For instance, recently I posted a few tips and hints on how to become famous, which apparently alot of you found to be quite helpful. Especially, one loyal reader, who informed me he was going to follow his dream by auditioning for So You Think Can Whistle.



Arnold giving advice on his new talk show

  Since that post I came up with 100 ideas for new and revamped television shows. Of those 100 ideas only about 65 were possible to make due to technological limitations. Of that 65, maybe 40 of those scripts would be approved by Standards and Practices (tv's moral police). And of the 40, only 16 don't involve having to train a monkey how to use a sword. Of those 16 ideas, only 3 would actually be of interest to a mass audience.

  So, I submit to you three shows that will dominate the upcoming fall television line up.

1.  The 'Real' World - It will have fighting. An excessive amount of drinking. Embarrassing situations in every episode. There will also be bouts with insecurity and being over confident for no discernible reason. Oh, and sex.  There will be lots of...well, maybe not lots, but there will be a good amount. Okay, you know what, honestly I'm not really sure how much sex there will be, so I'm going to say an average amount. It's hard to say.
  See, my cast isn't going to be made up of good looking guys who are jacked up on steroids or womn who have had more upgrades than my iPhone.
  No, I'm going to make stars out of the average person. People who are just a little over weight and yeah maybe not the most attractive, but they definitely aren't butt ugly either.
  If you think you fall into this category, please go to our website and fill out the cast member application form.

2.  The 90 Year Old Bachelor - There are dozens of dating shows out there right now. Some interesting, others make you want to ram a rose through your eye. So, you may be wondering, if there are so many dating shows, why would any tv network let alone it's audience want one more?
  Simple. Romance. Out of all those dating shows, I have never seen one honest moment of romance. Sure having 20 beautiful women claim to fall in love with a rich, good looking guy makes for great television, but is it really romance? I say to you no, no it is not. You know who knows how to do romance right? Really old people.
  If you have ever seen a really old couple you know how romantic they can be. The man holds doors open for his wife or holds her arm as they walk together. I know a lot of people are thinking sure we may get romance, but is that going to be enough to hold the audiences attention. What everyone forgets is that these people are all 90 years old and older. They don't have time to waste, so while you will get romance, you are going to see relationships move much faster since the cast members could die at any moment. Also, when these female suitors are sent home, they will have a real reason to cry. Mostly because this show could be their last chance at romance.
  This show is already in production and will premier September 18, 2013.

3.  Arnold Schwarzenegger's Sex Talk. Ya! Ya! - Several years ago there was a woman by the name of Dr. Ruth Westheimer who had one of the most popular talk shows on television. Sure, it didn't hurt that the talk show was essentially about sex, but she also had a captivating personality and sharp sense of wit. Neither of which are the reasons I choose Arnold to host this talk show.
  We actually tested out a few different formats of the show before we finally went with a sex advice themed show. The other shows we tested old didn't go over so well. We tried every format from politics to fitness to baking. Nothing seemed able to hold his attention for more than a few minutes. That is until one day, a woman asked Arnold for his advice on how to keep her husband from becoming bored with her. Arnold instantly came to life.
  He told the lady, "Ya! Ya! You know what you got to do. You need to buy a maids outfit. Guys love maids." (Remember when reading the previous line please do so in Arnold's accident.)
  At that moment we knew what our hit show would be. The premise is pretty simple. Every week Arnold will have a guest host who will help him answer live calls from people all over the world.
  I feel once people see this show, they will know to set their dvrs for one thing and one thing only.

How To Become Famous

   Oh great, my stupid garbage disposal is broken, and by the amount of soap on my dishes, I am guessing my dish washer is nonfunctional as well. I informed the company I rent my apartment from of these issues like three months ago, and yet they remain in the same non-working condition. With barely enough money to buy something off the Dollar Menu at McDonald's I had to come up with another solution. A 'do it yourself' one. Off to Google.

  Within minutes I had dozens of helpful suggestions. Some of the 'do it yourself' sites were free while others actually requested a small fee for the information. Theoretically to help maintain their site. And while I stuck with the free sites, the pay sites did give me an idea.

  I could start my own 'do it yourself' or 'how to' website and charge people a small fee for the expert and detailed advice I would be offering them. Problem is, I'm not really all that knowledgeable on many things. For days I racked my brain on what advice I could give. I suppose I make a pretty mean peanut butter and jelly sandwich and I know almost every episode of Doctor Who by heart. Yet neither of those things seemed like they would be big money makers.

  It wasn't until I began talking with my co-workers about what it takes to be famous in America today that i realized I had found my money making idea. My 'how to' site would teach people how to become some of the most famous and well known people in the world.

Kim re-enacts how she got famous

  Obviously, for the sake of making money, I don't want to give my all ideas away here. However, it can't hurt to give you a sneak peak at a few of them. Warning: It is possible for just these few suggestions to make you famous, so be careful.

1. Make A Sex Tape
  While not the way I would normally recommend, it does seem to be the most immediate way of obtaining stardom. Look at Kim Kardashian. Who ever heard of her or any member of the Kardashian clan for that matter before Kim and Ray J made their little video. Doing amateur porn also helped give Paris Hilton's career a little boost. The only thing about fame resulting from a sex tape is the length of time your fame will last is unpredictable. It might last a few months or maybe a couple years.

2. Be A Rich Housewife
  I have found another effective method to becoming famous is to be a rich housewife who likes to drink excessive amounts of alcohol and needs to count on her fingers when adding two and two together. It is also important that you have a very short temper and expect the world to bend to your every whim. I feel while being like this can you make you famous, your fan base will mostly consist of the type of people who watch Lifetime or the Oxygen channels.

3. Be A Man's Man
  Most famous guys earn their fame not through any talent but simply due to the fact they are good looking bad boy who treats women like objects or the boy next door with the cute fluffy hair. It also helps if you have a douchey catch phrase and own a lot of Ed Hardy clothes. You will most likely make your mark one of two places, either The Bachelor or Jersey Shore.

4. Be A Redneck
  Being able to Redneckognize, Get er done or make a duck call is definitely another way to get famous. Granted these are techniques that seem to work better for people in the South. Not to say some guy from California couldn't get famous the same way, they just may have to work harder to find a person trained in the art of duck call construction. Oh, and drink lots and lots of Red Bull.

5. Be A Member of the Real World
  This avenue works best for adults ages 19 - 25. Anyone older than that enters into 'the creeper' range. Plus, no one wants to watch to guys in their 50s arguing about who would have hooked up with the woman at the bar from the night before. The Real World is mostly made up of super in shape good looking people who drink, sleep around and struggle with their own sexuality. Maybe they are straight? Maybe they are gay? Who knows for sure, but people are going to stay tuned to find out.
 
  There are a few other methods to get famous, but to get those you will have to subscribe to my 'how to' website. I should have it up in running in a few weeks barring any distractions like work and the such. Good luck.

Excuses Why Not To Visit The Doctor

  I swore up and down this wasn't going to happen this year. I did everything I could do to avoid it. To protect myself from it. I ate right. (Well, most of the time. I still maintain that pizza is a good source for all four food groups.) I exercised and even took vitamins, but it all proved useless against this new super strain of flu.

  For the last two weeks, I have pretty much done nothing put away boxes of Kleenex like a frat guy puts away free beer at a bar. That I might have been able to deal with, but throw in extreme coughing fits so fierce I almost blacked out a few times and the usual stomach aches and fevers and that's it. I tapped out.

  Now, the coughing has begun to recede and my nose seems to only fun for a few minutes in the morning. And because I am feeling so much better, new post ideas have been flooding into my brain like someone just broke the dam that was my writer's block. The entire two weeks I was sick, I desperately wanted my head to clear just enough that with a little effort I might be able to cobble together something resembling a decent blog post, but nothing was getting through. When the fog finally cleared it occurred to me I had a post right under my nose the whole time.

  My girlfriend had asked me if and when I was going to the doctor while I was sick. Which is nice. Even though, I can say with some confidence that about 80% of the time when she made these inquires she was being a very sweet carrying girlfriend. The other 20% I think she wanted this person who sounded like he was dying out of her house in case the plague was making a comeback. I now realize that although she asked me about the doctor at least a dozen times, I never gave her a flat out answer. Just a bunch of really random excuses. And look at me now, feeling good and ready for any challenge life has to throw at me. See! Who needs doctors?

Excuse #1:  I haven't been sick long enough to warrant going to the doctor. He is just going to tell me I'll have to ride it out anyway, so why waste the money.

Excuse #2:  I have no proof that the degree on the doctor's wall is even real. As far as I know, he could be a Nazi scientist still on the run and wanted for performing illegal genetic experiments. I know all about Project Aqua Gill Soldier.

Excuse #3:  I'm an organ donor. Who's to say the doctor isn't in need of a kidney to save a very wealthy patient. To him, I'm nothing more than a bag of spare parts. No thank you.

Excuse #4:  What if they get my chart mixed up with some who needs to go in for heart surgery?

Excuse #5:  I already owe the clinic money from last time I came. They won't treat you again until you pay off what you owe.

Excuse #6:  I'm pretty sure I had that clinic got in trouble when one their doctors tried to sew a pig snout onto that body builder's face.

Excuse #7:  Doctors want you to go to their hospitals and clinics so they get you to give blood samples which they use to create clones of you. Those clones will be trained in secret and one day take over the United States.

Excuse #8:  I know a girl who used to date a doctor who worked here. Things didn't end well, What if he does a background check and connects me to her. Is he still going to be professional about things.

Excuse #9:  The doctor could really be Jack the Ripper in hiding.

Excuse #10:  I bet the doctors aren't even good. I bet after you leave the have to watch old dvds of House to find out what you might have.

  There you go, Ten perfectly good reasons to avoid going to the doctor. Feel free to use any of them. I'll come up with new ones.          

 

'Pop', Number One Reason Relationships End

  Recently, I have discovered how delicate relationships can be.  A number of my friends who I thought were in happy relationships have either hit rocky spots or sadly ended their time together.

  I suppose looking back I could see why a few of them ended. Telling your girlfriend, after seeing Magic Mike, you need to break up so you can pursue your life long dream of becoming a male exotic dancer or your boyfriend  you are done after falling into the toilet during the night for the sixth time because he keeps leaving the seat up, are pretty obvious signs.

  Some signs, however, are not so obvious. Do you want to guess what the number one reason for break ups is? (Pausing so you can make a few guesses. Go ahead. I’ll wait.) Well, a lot of you guessed the number one reason is issues stemming from not having enough money. Wrong! That was the cause the last few years, but the past is the past people. This new reason may be shocking to some and other maybe like, “Oh, hell yeah. That is so true”. According to several current polls and surveys, the new number one in destroying relationships is whether soft drinks are to be known as ‘soda’ or ‘pop’.

  I know it doesn’t sound like something that could cause a break up, but picture this. You and your new girlfriend have been out a few times to some of the best five star restaurants in town and things are going great. Which is a total relief, because your last girlfriend used to scream the words to random Frank Sinatra songs at restaurants then bang her head on the table five times then in an English accent say, “pickles” softly as she stood up to leave.  After leaving a late night showing of The Amazing Spiderman, you decide to stop at McDonald’s and get something to eat. You both walk up to the counter, arms around each other, leaning against each other, laughing and kissing every three seconds. Yep, you are the couple everyone looks at and thinks, gross…get a room, but who cares, right. You are in love and nothing is ever going to change that. At the counter you place your order, and the cashier asks what you want to drink with that. You say a Pepsi, and then you ask her what kind of pop she wants. Her eyes grow as wide as saucers and glaze over with disbelief as if you just went up and pimp slapped her mom. She stares at you for a minute then softly tells you the soda she wants is Dr. Pepper. And it’s on! The sickening cute and cuddly couple is gone. All that remains is one person screaming “POP!” and swinging a chair while the other person screams “SODA!” and breaks the end of a beer bottle on the counter.

  According to the Cruise-Holmes Survey, over 50 relationships come to a possible pre-mature end every month as a result of soda vs. pop. The survey also points out that 8 deaths a year can be attributed to the aforementioned same reason.

  What’s odd is that way back around 1809, soda and pop had a special relationship of their own. They were such a hot couple that just as we have Bradgelina or Bennifer, back then they were known as soda pop. You couldn’t read a newspaper or  listen to the radio without some mention of soda pop. Unfortunately, like all famous couples they soon couldn’t stand the sight of one another. Some attribute the break up to the pressures of stardom . Others say soda was messing around with water on the side and pop found out about it. And a small minority thinks it’s because pop “dutch-ovened” soda. Whatever the reason, the two have not been mentioned in the same sentence since.

  I have heard people ask if it is possible for their relationships to survive such a trial. Truthfully, I just don’t know. I hope so, because this beast has reared its head recently in my relationship. Am I afraid? Of course, but I think with lots of empathy, compassion and love, this problem can be overcome. And if that doesn’t work, I suggest dealing with each other Highlander The Movie style.

  The only real solution I think is to somehow get soda and pop back together again. Only once they are re-united can the rest of the world begin to heal. Amen.

Dangers of Tanning

  I have written before concerning the fact that I have two jobs. At one I make parts for motorcycles, trucks and lawn mowers. The other, I repair and fix tanning beds. Neither jobs makes me hop out of bed with excitement in the morning, but they pay the bills and keep my lizard in crickets.

  It's been about two years now that I have worked at the the tanning spa. I have heard a lot of weird things and seen some even weirder things. Like when a bolt of lightning struck a pile of mashed potatoes causing it to come to life and seek fame on American Idol. Like I said, weird.

  Probably the thing I hear about the most at our spas are the effects of tanning. Some people preach the positive effects of it, while others believe it is so bad for you that a few seconds of exposure will cause you to melt quicker than a chocolate Easter Bunny. And while you may think I am exaggerating on that last one, it turns out cancer is no longer the number one concern for people who tan.
  In fact, a recent study conducted by the University of Wisconsin, found that people who tan are more concerned with the possibility of turning into a zombie. Yep, you heard right. Tanning is the number two highest cause for zombification.

  According to Grant Sherman, Director of the Nation Health and Safety Administration, not everyone who tans will become a zombie. Only about 65% of the population is prone to this condition.

  "If you tan there is no guarantee you will become a zombie. It's like if you drink a lot of pop or eat  a lot of food that is bad for you," Sherman said. "There is no guarantee all your teeth will fall out or that you will have a heart attack, but it greatly increases your odds."

  There are a few precautions one can take when tanning to avoid turning into a zombie. Number one is never eat after midnight; two is avoid water and three is stay out of direct sun light.

  We all want to look the best we can. It is true that a nice deep tan is much more appealing to the opposite sex than looking like Casper the Friendly Ghost. I just wonder if looking just a little bit sexier is worth the possibility I might end up wandering the streets moaning "Brains" for the rest of my life. Yeah, I may look good, but if there is a chance I might eat your brains, I'm sure that's going to affect the amount of dates I get.

  I guess I'm still on the fence about the whole tanning thing, but at least now I know the facts. And knowing is half the battle, G.I. Joe.                                                                                                  

Cheetos Responsible for 'Monster' Rabbits

Plow with his 5 foot tall rabbits.

  In Morris, Illinois there is a small farm tucked away in the middle of nowhere. The farmer is a quiet, kind man who grew up with a love for everything having to do with Easter. He loved Easter so much, he even began raising rabbits on his farm. Once in a great while he would sell one of his rabbits, but for the most part he kept them all. Until that one day.

  According to Peter Plow, the farmer, he has been trying to breed the perfect rabbit for years. "In my eyes the perfect rabbit has fur as soft as cotton, a cute wiggly nose, is smarter than most humans and will be full of love."

  For over 40 years he has been trying to achieve his dream, and no matter how close he came, he always felt as if something was missing. Leaving him feeling sad and disappointed. Plow no longer is sad or disappointed.

  Today he is the proud owner of several rabbits who have more than fulfilled his dream. The rabbits possess everything Plow wanted them to. Not to mention they range in length from 5 to 8 feet long.

  When asked how he was able to get his rabbits to grow so big, Plow needed a little coaxing but eventually revealed his secret. Cheetos. Yep, you heard right.

  "One day I was cleaning their cages and eating  some crunchy Cheetos when I swear of a wolfbat... that's a wolf head on the body of a bat...tried to lift me up by the hair. While I was swinging at the wolfbat, a bunch of Cheetos fell into one of the rabbit cages. A few days later when I went back to clean its cage again, the rabbit had grown an entire foot." Plow related the origin of his 'Mega' Rabbit with a smile that never wavered.

  More surprising is the fact that, Plow says that the rabbits growth doesn't seem to have limitations. It seems that all Plow has to do is put a few Cheetos in the cage and over the next couple days the rabbit will grow at least another foot.

  While some governmental figures have expressed concern that Plow might accidentally drop a Family Size bag of Cheetos into a cage causing the rabbit to grow large enough to go on a Godzilla style rampage, the majority of Morris, Illinois, have fallen in love with the giant bundles of fur.

  When asked what he sees in his future, Plow tells how he just finished watching Avatar, and he would like to create rabbits big enough that they could be used as a mode of transportation like in the movie. Sort of like horses but able to cover more ground at a much faster pace. Plus they can hop. How cool is that.