The Segregation of Flavor

  “You scream. I scream. We all scream for ice cream.” For me this popular jingle once rang all too true, but alas not anymore. See in all their great wisdom the powers that be in the ice cream world decided my favorite ice cream was too costly to make. I am , of course, speaking of the Chocolate-Vanilla Swirl. 

Harder to find than the Holy Grail.

  This treat was once found everywhere. You could get it at any Dairy Queen, McDonald's, Burger King…anywhere you could find ice cream, you could find ‘The Swirl’. And may I add not only the best flavor ever, but also a symbol of how two races can exist in yummy goodness.
  It’s been a few years now since I have had a Zebra cone as we called it when I was growing up. Now and then I will randomly ask some place I have never been to before if they carry it in a desperate hope for rediscovery but it always ends the same. “I’m sorry sir, we haven’t carried that for years.”

  And why haven’t they carried it for years. My initial thought was because they suck, however I have been told that’s not really a reason. It’s just a feeling. Well, if my feeling is dumb, the real reason isn’t that much better.

  Chocolate ice cream doesn’t get ordered as much as vanilla and it is more expensive. Apparently, not enough people were ordering the Zebra cone, so the two ice creams were forcibly separated and have not reunited to this date.

  I don’t believe this for one minute this reason, but as of yet I have not been able to find proof that would show otherwise. That doesn’t mean I have stopped my investigation. Nor given up hope that somewhere out there beneath the pale moonshine, some business is still serving the Zebra cone and bringing smiles to adult and kid tummies alike.

'Pop', Number One Reason Relationships End

  Recently, I have discovered how delicate relationships can be.  A number of my friends who I thought were in happy relationships have either hit rocky spots or sadly ended their time together.

  I suppose looking back I could see why a few of them ended. Telling your girlfriend, after seeing Magic Mike, you need to break up so you can pursue your life long dream of becoming a male exotic dancer or your boyfriend  you are done after falling into the toilet during the night for the sixth time because he keeps leaving the seat up, are pretty obvious signs.

  Some signs, however, are not so obvious. Do you want to guess what the number one reason for break ups is? (Pausing so you can make a few guesses. Go ahead. I’ll wait.) Well, a lot of you guessed the number one reason is issues stemming from not having enough money. Wrong! That was the cause the last few years, but the past is the past people. This new reason may be shocking to some and other maybe like, “Oh, hell yeah. That is so true”. According to several current polls and surveys, the new number one in destroying relationships is whether soft drinks are to be known as ‘soda’ or ‘pop’.

  I know it doesn’t sound like something that could cause a break up, but picture this. You and your new girlfriend have been out a few times to some of the best five star restaurants in town and things are going great. Which is a total relief, because your last girlfriend used to scream the words to random Frank Sinatra songs at restaurants then bang her head on the table five times then in an English accent say, “pickles” softly as she stood up to leave.  After leaving a late night showing of The Amazing Spiderman, you decide to stop at McDonald’s and get something to eat. You both walk up to the counter, arms around each other, leaning against each other, laughing and kissing every three seconds. Yep, you are the couple everyone looks at and thinks, gross…get a room, but who cares, right. You are in love and nothing is ever going to change that. At the counter you place your order, and the cashier asks what you want to drink with that. You say a Pepsi, and then you ask her what kind of pop she wants. Her eyes grow as wide as saucers and glaze over with disbelief as if you just went up and pimp slapped her mom. She stares at you for a minute then softly tells you the soda she wants is Dr. Pepper. And it’s on! The sickening cute and cuddly couple is gone. All that remains is one person screaming “POP!” and swinging a chair while the other person screams “SODA!” and breaks the end of a beer bottle on the counter.

  According to the Cruise-Holmes Survey, over 50 relationships come to a possible pre-mature end every month as a result of soda vs. pop. The survey also points out that 8 deaths a year can be attributed to the aforementioned same reason.

  What’s odd is that way back around 1809, soda and pop had a special relationship of their own. They were such a hot couple that just as we have Bradgelina or Bennifer, back then they were known as soda pop. You couldn’t read a newspaper or  listen to the radio without some mention of soda pop. Unfortunately, like all famous couples they soon couldn’t stand the sight of one another. Some attribute the break up to the pressures of stardom . Others say soda was messing around with water on the side and pop found out about it. And a small minority thinks it’s because pop “dutch-ovened” soda. Whatever the reason, the two have not been mentioned in the same sentence since.

  I have heard people ask if it is possible for their relationships to survive such a trial. Truthfully, I just don’t know. I hope so, because this beast has reared its head recently in my relationship. Am I afraid? Of course, but I think with lots of empathy, compassion and love, this problem can be overcome. And if that doesn’t work, I suggest dealing with each other Highlander The Movie style.

  The only real solution I think is to somehow get soda and pop back together again. Only once they are re-united can the rest of the world begin to heal. Amen.