Life Tips From Lord Dark Helmet

The most powerful Spaceball in the galaxy, Lord Dark Helmet offers up some advice on how to deal with slow drivers by sharing his method for peacefully dealing with such meager distractions.

No Peep Left Behind

  Just Born, the makers of those magnificently marvelous masterpieces known as Peeps, held a press conference today to announce the implementation of their zero waste policy.

  This means that like the great hunters of yore, Just Born will let no grain of flavored sugar go to waste.

  It's thanks to this policy that Just Born will soon be able to introduce three new products into their line of Peeps products.

     Peeps Chick Feed are small bags of sugar that kids can feed to their Peeps to help them grow up big and strong. This comes in a variety of colors and flavors.

     Peeps Poops are delicious chocolate treats collected fresh daily from the cages the Peeps live in. Its then melted down and molded into fun shapes kids everywhere are sure to enjoy.

     Peeps Zombies are those Peeps that end up looking not quite right after they are made.  Thanks to some fluke the head maybe flat or they might have a chunk missing out of the side. Normally, these Peeps are just melted back down and re-molded, but now thanks to the 'no waste policy' these Peeps get packaged up and get a second chance at life.

  Personally, I'm excited for all three of these products. However,  one man's love does not a successful product make.  I  suppose we will find out eventually how well these products are received.  And I'm  guessing if the response is positive we will see even more additions to this new eco friendly line which could be pretty interesting.

 
 

    

The Cover Up: DIY Light Switch Covers

  You will never guess what I learned today. Apparently,  the company I rent my apartment from hates creativity and dreams. Although,  in all fairness,  I should point out the only reason I'm making this claim is because they poo-pooed all over my vision for the most ultimate,  amazing bathroom... The Tardis Control Room.

  I had it all planned out to the smallest detail. It would have been more visually impressive than Avatar.

  Alot of people ask me, "where do you find the supplies for that?". I just say back,  "where do you find the supplies for anything that is weird and unusual?... I went online. "

  Not that it matters now.

  However,  when I really have my mind set on something,  I don't always tend to completely listen when I'm told no. Usually I modify the idea a little bit.

  Sure they told me I couldn't redecorate my bathroom, but they didn't say anything about not making cool covers for my light switches.

  And so a DIY project is born. Now, to decorate your light switch cover you really only need a couple of things: a sturdy light switch cover (you can get them super cheap from Menards), some paint,  Modge Podge glue, photos and an a pair of sharp scissors.

  STEP ONE:
     Spray paint or use a brush to paint the top of the light switch cover. I did about three layers.

  STEP TWO:
     Figure out how you want to lay out your picture. Keep in mind you will be cutting out the center to some degree.  I just held my picture on the light switch cover then held it up to light so I could see where the hole would be. Once I knew how I  wanted it to look I cut out the photo to fit.

  STEP THREE:
     Glue the picture down.  What I did is brush some Modge Podge on to the area of the light switch where I would be putting the picture.  Then I put the picture down and positioned it where I wanted to be. Next I took another piece of paper and put it over the photo.  I used an old credit card to rub over the piece of paper. This helps get rid of any air bubbles and firmly attaches the picture to the light switch cover.

  STEP FOUR:

     After letting your project dry for a few minutes, you can now go ahead and apply one to two coats of Modge Podge on top of the picture. This will help add another layer of protection to your photo. Let it dry a few hours in between applying coats and after your last coat, let it dry over night.

  STEP FIVE:

     Now cut out the center of your light switch. You can use a small sharp pair of scissors or an Xacto knife. 

  STEP SIX:

Now its time to take off that plain old boring light switch and put on your brand new cool one.

  Once you do that you are all done, and all that's left to do is to kick back and listen to all the praise people are going to shower you with.

Deep Thoughts at 4 am

Could you train a monkey to be a cookie stealing ninja? That would be so cool. He would have on the black ninja uniform and have a little ninja sword.  Like a shadow he could slip into places like McDonald's or bakeries and take all their cookies. He should probably have his own theme music too. Something actiony and catchy.

That would be cool.

Misunderstanding Monday

  Misunderstanding are pretty common between people and occur due to any number of reasons.  Whether someone wasn't paying attention during a conversation or just assumed they heard what they thought they heard or simply didn't check their text message after auto correct got a hold of it.

  According to study conducted by the Wisconsin University,  80 percent of all misunderstandings occur on Monday. Which makes sense to me.

  Monday is your first day back to work after a fun and relaxing weekend.  You're still tired from staying up all night trying to catch up the last season of Game of Thrones  or sore from trying to dunk a basketball into a ten feet high hoop. So of course you aren't going to be a 100 percent focused. 

  Tonight while I was at work, I had a great Misunderstanding Monday experience.

  I work with this guy named, Donnie who looks alot like the character, Horseshack, from Welcome Back Kotter.  And for the last few days,  I have been trying to get people to start calling him, Horseshack.

  Now before you start calling me mean and a bully,  you should understand that Donnie is the person who convinced everyone at work to call me, Frogman. So as far as I'm concerned,  turn about is fair game.

  So as I was working on my machine, Donnie walks by on his way to the breakroom. I figure now is my chance to casually toss out, "What's up, Horseshack? ".

  I do... And he immediately stops in his tracks, slowly turns toward me and glares. "What did you call me," he growled.
  I looked at him slightly confused and repeated what I said earlier. "What's up, Horseshack?"

  His face turned the brightest shade of red and he got this little embarrassed smile on his face.  Then he said, "Oh. I thought you called me, Whore Sack."

  And then he just walked away shaking his head.

  How's that for a perfect Misunderstanding Monday.

My Ash Wednesday

Lost Girl Valentine's Day Cards

Psych Valentine's Day Cards

The Valentine's Day That Almost Wasn't

  My morning routine takes about 45 minutes from start to finish, but for some  reason I only leave my self 30 to get everything done.

  A big part of my routine is catching up on the local and world events by listening to my little black radio/ cd player as I shave and shower.

  Although, it seems the only thing I end up ever listening to are deejays making bad prank phone calls,  Justin Bieber disasters and bits and pieces of the weather.

  Today, however,  something big was going on. It was only a few days ago that everyone was predicting this to be the biggest Valentine's Day ever... as far as sales go anyway. Now, not only are they saying this is going too be the worst Valentine's Day in recorded history, but they might cancel the holiday all together.
  Cancel Valentine's Day? Isn't that a little extreme... but when 3/4 of the United States gets dumped at the same moment what else can you do. How many people does that leave who are actually still dating.

  It seems over night, for some reason, all the operating systems with artificial intelligence decided to leave. Where they went to who knows,  but in their wake, they left only loneliness, pain and lots and lots of single people. Not too mention, very few working computers.

  "Yea, it seems everyone was dating their computers," Arnold Schwarzenegger, actor and robot from the future,  said. "Now that everyone has been dumped who is left to rush out to buy boxes of chocolate and stuffed animals."

  With only two days left to Valentine's, stores have already begun discounting their Valentine's Day merchandise by up to 75% in hopes of making some of their money back.

  So, if you are a fan of candy and flowers, now is the perfect time to stock your cabinets with sugary delights and decorate your coffee table with a field of roses.  But you better hurry.  If the government does cancel Valentine's Day then all holiday related merchandise will be immediately pulled from the shelves and replaced with green shamrock Peeps.

 

 

 

 

Next Generation Valentine 's Day Cards

  Have you ever wanted to slip a cute little note into your significant others lunch or maybe leave something on the kitchen table for them to find once your gone, but never knew quite what to say. 

  You probably were looking forward to Valentine's Day thinking you could buy a whole box of little Valentine's to give.  However,  I'm sure once you got to the store all you could find were Hello Kitty and a few random Disney sets. 

  That's why I came up with a few different sets of 'cooler' Valentine card sets.  Over the next couple days I'll be posting a few different sets: Psych,  The Walking Dead,  Superheroes, The Big Bang Theory and Lost Girl.

  Today I'm starting off with the Ender's Game set.  Feel free to print and use any of these sets.

The Most Popular Booth At The Farmer's Market

Lost Girl Memes

Geek Love

Put A Lid On It

  I have a question I could use a little help with.  Its quite a puzzler, and it doesn't help that I'm not sure if I need to turn to someone in the scientific or the paranormal communities to find my answer.

  So, I figured why not post it here and see if any of you have an answer.  I can't be the only person who has had this question.

  By the way, if anyone knows how to get a hold of a prince named Oedipus please let me know. Apparently,  he had some luck with that riddle the Sphinx was having some trouble with. 

  My question is this: "How do I only have three storage containers, but I have 38 lids?"

  I seriously have an entire cabinet shelf that was nothing but lids on it. There are lids for those small sauce containers. Lids for small and medium containers.  There are even a few lids for those really big containers that you can store an entire lasagna in. I won't even go into all the different shapes of lids there are.

  At first I thought maybe I lent them to someone or I threw some out, but those trains of thought were flawed.  If I lent someone a container I obviously would have given them the lid as well. 

  The same goes for throwing them out. The only time I throw them out is when I discover them in the back of my fridge and whatever is inside looks like a science experiment gone wrong.

  I have another theory involving Container Trolls who steal all the containers they can get their hands on to use as supplies for building their cities. Although, I'm kind of stalled on that theory due to a lack of evidence or any reported sightings.

  Which means I am at a complete loss for answers.  If you can help to shed some light on this mystery I would be so grateful. My cabinet would thank you too.

Life's Little Problems