Before I get to
today's post, I figured now would be as good a time as any to announce that this
coming Monday, I will be headed to Las Vegas baby.
That’s right, you
read correctly. This innocent Wisconsin boy is about to leave behind the corn
fields, cold weather and cheese curds
for a week of penny slots, 90 degree weather and $50 all you can eat buffets.
This is going to be
my first visit to the City of Sin. Although, since the main reason I’m going
there is for my brother’s wedding, so I think I’m going to start using one of
its more family friendly names. Calling it the Entertainment Capitol of the
World sounds way less creepy.
Oh and speaking of
creepy, can someone please explain to me why every time I shared I was going to
Las Vegas, the other person would always inquire as to whether I was going to
visit some of the prostitutes while I am there. It didn’t matter if it was a
male or female, something involving prostitution was always the standard follow
up question. Which leads me to believe either everyone I know is a little pervy
or they all think I’m the one that is pervy. I’m really hoping it’s the first one.
Just to make sure
there is more to do in Las Vegas than rent a couple prostitutes, I turned to my
old friend…Google. Within minutes I found tons of things to do in and around
the hotel I am staying at. There are some amazing shows, the M&M museum,
light shows, other casinos and so much else to explore. I can’t tell you how I
excited I am. It’s a shame I will probably die on my way there.
Oh yeah, I probably
forgot to mention this at the start, but… I hate flying. “Why,” you ask. “It’s
safer than driving.” That’s what people always tell me and that’s crap. When
you take a trip in your car, you basically have three things that can happen.
1) You arrive at your destination with no problems. 2) You get into a wreck,
but you are still okay. 3) you crash and die.
When you fly there are
really only two things that can happen. You either make it to your destination
or you don’t. Because lets face it, if that plane drops out of the sky, you
have a better chance of making Kristin Stewart smile than you do of living.
For some reason, it
had never occurred to me that this trip to Las Vegas would require me to fly. I
sort of assumed we would be driving there. Sadly, I assumed wrong. Try as I
might, my brother was not willing to make the trip by train, automobile or hot
air balloon. I tried really hard to convince him that there would be nothing
more romantic than taking a hot air balloon to the chapel. He disagreed. So, it
seems I have little choice, but to get on that plane.
What’s worse is I
kind of have this habit of over analyzing a situation where I not only think of
all the good things that could happen, but also of everything that could
possibly go wrong. Normally, I find one
thing that I think will be the cause of disaster, but this time I found
five.
People tell me if I
just write out what these reasons are I will surely realize how insanely
ridiculous they are. I’m willing to give it a shot if there is any chance at all
it will put my mind at ease. So, listed
below are the five most likely reasons my plane will crash on the way to Las
Vegas.
1)
The pilot just broke up with Taylor Swift
because she is to clingy, and rather than hear his good name tarnished in one
of her revenge themed break up songs, he
decides to crash the plane into her
house.
2)
People say Twilight Zone: The Movie was just
that, a movie, but I think it was a documentary. Especially the part where the
gremlin/ demon thing is tearing apart the engine and wing. I can so see that
happening on my plane.
3)
Some bad airplane food infects everyone with the
plague and the pilot is the first to succumb to the this horrible illness. With
no one to fly the plane we all die.
4)
Justin Bieber will be on my flight and he will
be totally hitting on the only flight attendant who isn’t interested in him.
In all or nothing attempt to win her approval, Justin slaps her ass. The woman
get so mad she slaps Justin harder than he has ever been hit before, but
because he is so small, the slap lifts him up and out of his seat. He hits the
door and breaks it open. Justin gets
sucked out of the airplane and the change in cabin pressure causes it to crash.
5)
King Kong or Godzilla knocks the plane out of
the sky.
Okay, so those are
my main fears and writing them out has helped to realize something. These fears
of mine couldn’t be more rational if Stephen Hawking himself had come up with
them. Wish me luck people. I should be
back in town by Friday night if nothing goes wrong and the plane doesn’t
explode into a fiery ball.
Its not fair. You
didn’t ask to see it yet there it is peeking up at you. Mocking you. There
really should be a law about who can and can’t show their butt crack or what is
better known as the sideways smile.
