How Adults Deal With Hickeys

  We've all fallen victim to it at one time or another. No matter how hard you tried, sometimes things got a little out of control and you ended up with one. The dreaded hickey. Yes, that little bruise on the side of your neck that tells the world you met someone special last night and that you most likely got some.

  In high school getting a hickey was considered a double edged sword. On the one side, the hickey was gross and frowned upon, On the other hand, they also served as undeniable proof to your friends that 'things' went as far as you claimed they did.

  I remember when I was a Sophomore in High School and my friend Helen called me crying, saying that the guy she was fooling around with had left this ginormous hickey on her neck. She asked me what to do, but the only advice I had to offer was to put on a turtleneck. 

  Later I discovered that every teenager has their own sure fire method of getting rid of hickeys. I heard everything from putting a cold ice pack on it to using a cold spoon to break it up to massaging it out. If these methods actually worked or not I can not say. I always went with the turtleneck. 

  But what do you do when you get a hickey as an adult. Oh man, that is even worse that getting one when you were a teenager. You are so leaving yourself open to some unprecedented  teasing by your friends and co-workers...or are you?

  Sure no one wants to walk around sporting the latest in hickeys, but not once have I teased someone because of it. If anything, I feel a little jealous because it usually means that that person had a night where the passion and excitement got so intense, biting seemed like the logical next step.

  So, you are an adult and you have a hickey. What do you do? Do you put an ice pack on it or 'spoon' it? Heck no! You are an adult with adult money and an adult attitude. Here are some steps I recommend  on how to hide or just plain deal with your new neck accessory. 

  Here we go...

  -  Get a skin graft. You could wait for the hickey to go away on its own, or you could just pop over to the doctor and have him take some skin off your butt then stitch it on to your neck. You just cut the healing time for a hickey from three to five days down one. 

  -  Spray tan. Just paint right over that sucker. Spray tans normally last around seven days so by the time it fades away your hickey should be gone.

  -  Add more bruises to your face using make up, tear your shirt a little bit and when you get to work just tell people you were jumped by a group of ruffians. No one is going to call you a liar. Remember, you are an adult. People have to believe what you say.

  -  Tell people a friend brought over his rare collection of 16 tropical land dwelling leeches. Needless to say there was an accident and the leeches escaped. After a lot of hard work we are only able to catch 13. As you can see by my neck there are still some out there.

  -  Psychological Manipulation or 'Epic Shit Talking'. For example: "Yeah, I get my boyfriend so excited he gave me a hickey." Examine the other girls neck. "Oh, I'm sorry sweetie. I guess you just don't get your boyfriend excited at all. No wonder Is aw him last night at the bars with that red headed girl. Wait, doesn't your best friend have red hair."

  -  Paint your arms, neck and head the color of your favorite sports team then just tell people you are a hardcore fan and are just showing your team spirit.

  -  Tell people you had a horrible vacuum cleaner accident. For the more nerdy, try telling people your vacuum became self-aware, developed a crush on you and then attacked..

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If I'm Behind You In The Check Out Line, I Probably Hate You

  Okay, I admit it. I am not the biggest fan of shopping. When I go to a store, I like to get in and get out. Unless, of course, I am at Best Buy. I can spend forever in there.

  Now for the most part when I go shopping I either already know what I am looking for or at least have a pretty good idea of what I want. Given this fact, I convince myself that I can be in and out of any store in less that ten minutes. Once, again Best Buy excluded. What I seem to always fail to consider is there is one area in the store I have no control over. And it is this one area that can take a happy three minute trip and warp it into a frustrating hour long endurance fest. I am speaking (all-be-it in whispers) of the dreaded check out line.

  The check out line can test the most patient of men, and being that I am nowhere near a patient man, eventually I begin to hate every person in front of me. Oh, and I have experienced everything listed below. The following are in no particular order or arranged by which I find more annoying. It's all pretty much the same to me and makes me want to yell, "You suck!". Here we go.

1.  You suck if you are that person who can't seem to pull him or herself away from their cell phone while the cashier is talking. What makes it worse is if you tell the cashier to 'give you a minute'.

2.  You suck if you are that person who digs in their pockets or purse for 20 minutes trying to find your bank card, all the while muttering, "I know it is here. I just had it".  What makes it worse is if you add slapping your pockets. Like doing that will magically summon it to the pocket you are slapping. You aren't Houdini. Calm the frak down.

3.  You suck if you are the person who's total comes to $10.01, and you spend 20 minutes shifting through your purse for that one penny. What makes it worse is if the cashier offers to take that penny from the penny dish, and you refuse out of pride.

4.  You suck if you are the person who's shopping cart is overflowing and you still push your way in front of me, even though I have one item. What makes it worse is if that one item is ice cream.

5.  You suck if you are in front of me talking none stop on your cell phone about your weekend trips and activities. What makes it worse is if I am about 99% sure there is no one else on the other end and you are just making crap up.

6.  You suck if you are the person who forgot to grab milk and then makes everyone wait while you run all the way across the store to get it. What makes it worse is if you send your kid.

7.  You suck if you are the person who gets so wrapped up in the tabloids coverage of the Kardashians that when the line moves forward, you don't. What makes it worse is if you start talking to me about those same stories. No! That's a bad human.

8.  You suck if you are the person who balances their checkbook at the check out after making a purchase. What makes it worse is if you ask the cashier for a calculator.

9.  You suck if you are the person who has 13 items and goes into the 12 items or less line and tries to get the cashier to ring that 13th item up separate because you are having some moral dilemma. What makes it worse is if you actually argue with the cashier when he says 13 items is no big deal.

10.  You suck if you are the guy who after his purchase is complete, spends the next 10 minutes hitting on the cashier. What makes it worse is if you keep trying to find ways to get her to go to your "buddies awesome party" even after she politely turned you down 5 times already.

  It's because of situations like these that I try to use the self check out lines as much as possible. Not surprisingly, I have begun to find things to hate about those too. Go figure. I guess that means in about a month or two, I'll be writing about why I hate self check out lines. Seriously, does the volume on those things have to be so loud. Like people need to know how much my eggs are. Ahhh...and so it begins.