Sweepers Release Mega Turkeys

  Parents love to give advice. Especially moms. And to be fair, sometimes, it's really helpful and good. For instance, "Hey, don't stick your tongue in that electrical outlet." And other times you just end up frustrated while scratching your head.

  My mom's favorite bit of advice was, "Never clean up another person's mess, because you never know what you will find". I believe she developed an appreciation for this phrase when she found a pizza box with a live squirrel inside while cleaning my room. First of all, I was 15 years old when this took place. And secondly, I think she was seeing things or possibly on the crack, as well all know moms are to be from time to time. However, despite it's questionable origins, the advice is good.

  No one knows this fact to be true more than the Black Ops squad known simply as, The Sweepers. Not much is known about them, and what little is is believed to be either misinformation or simply the tales of madmen.

  Heck, I've been researching The Sweepers for years, and all I have been able to piece together is they are a squad comprised of both soldiers and scientists. They seem to get called in whenever a military facility gets decommissioned by the government. What they do at these locations is a mystery, but gun to my head, I would say they go in and remove all the top secret projects and sweep the place clean of all evidence.

This baby mutant turkey is
5 hours old

  I'm also assuming they are normally good at their jobs since they are essentially a mystery, but eventually everyone slips up. Sometimes its a little bit and you can kind of sweep it under the rug, and other times you accidentally release Mega Turkeys that reek havoc over the country.

  Yep, right now the there are, at last count, 38 Mega Turkeys attacking cities and towns all across the United States. That number will most likely increase very soon if the news networks are correct. Apparently, one of the benefits of being a 20 feet tall genetically altered mutant Royal Palm turkey is that they lay 5 to 10 eggs every day. They lady on the tv right now just said that new born mutant turkeys reach maturity in about 3 days.

  The military and the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) are being shocking quiet about their reason for creating Mega Turkeys. Their response to all questions so far has been, "no comment". I'm guessing it's hard to come up with a cover story when Mega Turkeys are involved. I'm sure whatever they come up with will have something to do with 'trying to find ways to feed and ever overpopulated world' and nothing to do with biological warfare.

  I guess the big question is, what are they going to do with the turkeys. I'm sure they will try to catch as many as they can alive, but turkeys are being bad ass courageous creatures. I doubt they will go back to their cages without a fight. And a few won't make it.

  My first thought was to obviously just use them for food, but then it occurred to me that maybe whatever changes were made to their DNA could be passed along. That's all we would need is a bunch of 20 feet tall mutant people running around. And given how things have been going in this country lately, I'm sure they would be 20 feet tall mutant zombie people.

  The news reports are asking everyone to stay inside their homes till the military and DARPA get things under control. I hate when they say that. Half the time when these strange outbreaks happen, there is nothing to worry about, and I hate sitting around. Plus, I am out of Diet Pepsi and I am really thirsty. I figured the odds of me being killed by a rampaging mutant turkey are pretty thin. That is until the guy down the street was eaten by one. Now, I think I'll just sit around and play some Xbox. Besides pizza places deliver food even in times of national disasters. Right?

 
 

 

Sports Mash Up

  I know. I know. A lot of you are wondering why I am writing about sports, something I don't really care all that much about, instead of Thanksgiving.

  Well, in a way, sports or at least football, is a pretty big part of Thanksgiving Day. Seriously, if you turn on your tv, there is only two things you will see. Parades and football games. There's not much else. Trust me, I check every year and it's always the same thing, parades and football, football and parades. Would it really hurt to throw a few episodes of ... I don't know...anything that's not football in there. Maybe some NCIS or The Big Bang Theory or anything not sports.

  The thing is, this year unlike all the years past, I might actually watch a football game. Hear me out. Over the last ten years, I have slowly been becoming bored with watching sports on tv. I still love to get together with some friends and play a little football or baseball, but watching it had become duller than watching paint dry.

  I'm not sure why or when it happened. Maybe it was because I felt like I was just watching the same thing over and over again. There weren't enough stand out moments. It's all "look, that guy just ran 4 feet and got tackled" or "oh, that guy just caught another fly ball" or "are the just going to drive in circles for 500 laps".

  It seemed as if nothing new ever happened. I think alot of people were starting to feel that way, because this weekend I saw something occur in a hockey game I had never seen before.  I'm not really sure the technical terms for what I saw, the best I can come up with is one hockey players ninja stomped another players face. I stood staring at the tv in utter disbelief. All I could think of was that one guy just went Bruce Lee on the other guys face. It was the coolest thing I had ever seen occur in sports.

  My friend kept asking me what I was staring at, and in a very monotone voice I said, "Is...that...legal?"

  I don't think my friend had any clue what I was talking about, at least, not until they showed the replay of the kick. He just laughed and said, "Oh the kicking thing. Yep, that's completely legal. I guess the owners thought people were becoming bored with the games so all the players are allowed three martial art moves per game."

  This seemed insane to me, but after spending a little time on Google, I found out he was right. And this rule didn't just apply to hockey. You could find it in football, baseball, basketball...pretty much if the sports name ends in 'ball', you are allowed to go all Hong Kong Phooey on your opponent.

  This rule and this rule alone maybe what brings me back to spending every Saturday and Sunday on my couch with a little Styrofoam cooler next to my feet and sharing the couch with five bags of chips and a few salsas.

  If I am late with next Mondays blog post it is only because I spent all Sunday watching football and emptying that cooler. I promise I'll get it out by Tuesday and that I will never let sports interfere with my work again. Oh wait, there's football on Monday too. Uh-oh.

 

TMGEEZ: Miss Piggy Arrested

  TMGEEZ Entertainment News has just learned that Miss Piggy, the beloved star of many family films and famous Muppet,  was arrested less than an hour ago for allegedly assaulting Kermit the Frog at a Olive Garden in Spokane, Washington.

 

  At this time, details of what occurred are suspect at best. The Spokane police have announced that they will not be releasing any information until they can get everything sorted out. Which could take a while considering the descriptions from eye witnesses vary to such a degree. One lady, who was just being seated, claims Miss Piggy freaked out when the waitress accidentally spilled some soup on her lap and Kermit was hit when he tried to step between the two women. Another gentleman said, "All Kermit did was ask her if she could cut the bread. The next thing I know Miss Piggy is unloading on Kermit with a series of karate chops."

 

  To many people the accusation of an alleged assault against Kermit by Miss Piggy may seem shocking, but a little research will reveal that this is not an isolated instance. Miss Piggy has appeared in front of many a judge through out the world due to her extreme temper. In fact, she has been charged and arrested 15 times on varying degrees of assault against people and fellow Muppets. Almost, all her alleged victims have been old boyfriends except for two.

 

  Miss Piggy has been arrested 15 times on assault she has never been convicted or served more than a few days in a county jail. It seems that even though assault is a very serious crime, it appears there is no law against a pig kicking the crap out of things. A technicality granted, but she gets off every time.

 

  There has been rumors that a new law passed last May could make it so Miss Piggy would see some significant jail  time if convicted and anger management counseling.

 

  We will continue to update you on this sad situation as the information is made available.

 

 

 

 



Return Of The Fraggles.

  Memories. We spent every moment of our lives making them. Some, we forget about quicker than my girlfriend can scream when she sees a spider. Others strike such an emotional cord that they stay with us to the day we die.

  The thing that surprises me is that when you talk to people about a memory, they tend to automatically assume it's a good one. No one, ever thinks you could be remembering the death of a loved one or the day you lost your job. Maybe it's because even the most jaded of us really wants life to be this happy shiny place.

  I am one of those people who fall into the 'happy shiny' category. For the vast majority of my life, I believed a bad memory will always be bad and a good one will forever remain pure. Man, it really sucks when life proves you wrong.

  If you were to ask me a few days ago what my favorite child memory was, without hesitation I would have said hanging out with my brother and watching Fraggle Rock. We would pretend to be different characters from the show and knew all the songs by heart. I think I still have that soundtrack somewhere.

  I have so many fond memories attached to that show. That is until a few weeks ago, when I discovered what the true history of Fraggle Rock is.

  The residents of Fraggle Rock did not always live underground. Thousands of years ago, humans and Fraggles lived on the surface together in peaceful harmony. Some documents even place the Fraggles in the Garden of Eden. The two species existed happily together for quite some time. That is until, the Fraggles made a unprecedented leap forward in genetic engineering.

  For all their good qualities, Fraggles did not like to work. They loved to play and dance and have adventures, but avoided work as much as possible. Never wanting to have to work again, the Fraggles turned to the one job they didn't mind doing. They began coming the DNA from different animals to create a working class. Someone who would build their buildings, roads and bridges. The humans tried to persuade the Fraggles to abandon this path, but they refused.

  It took 30 years, but the Fraggles finally succeeded. In a big ceremony, the Fraggles introduced the Doozers. The Doozer was no more the seven inches high, looked as if it was made of green Play-Doh and had a built in desire to build.

  The Fraggles offered to let the humans use the Doozers as well, but they refused. It didn't take long for the Doozers to go from being a part  of the Fraggles life to being just another tool for them to use. The Fraggles worked the Doozers around the clock. Sometimes having them build things just because they wanted to see what it would look like, then destroying it as soon as they were done. Other Fraggles would destroy Doozer buildings just to make them have to build it again. Most Doozers life spans equaled to only a few months due to being fed very little and forced to work 24 hours a day.

  The time came when the humans stopped negotiating with the Fraggles and started to demand the Doozers be freed. Eventually, this lead to a great war that lasted over 70 years. The battles were bloody and casualties were high on both sides. However, over time the humans would slowly gain the advantage, and on the last day of the war offered the few remaining Fraggles a choice. They could either stop their mistreatment of the Doozers or be banished underground. The Fraggles made their choice.

  On that day the Fraggles disappeared from our lives, taking the Doozers with them. Except for a few pieces of paper, all evidence the Fraggles ever existed had been erased. As the centuries past, the Fraggles became nothing more than characters of myth and legend.

  That is until, they decided the time was right to reclaim the surface world and exact their revenge on all humans. While underground the Fraggles had grown harder, uglier and cold. They no longer cared about having fun and playing. War was their lifestyle now. It is believed that all the reported sightings of trolls were really people spotting Fraggle spies sent to gather information. Uncle Traveling Matt, the most famous spy of all.

  The Doozers had changed as well. While underground the Fraggles had continued to manipulate their DNA, until the tiny, cute Doozer was no more. As a first strike, the Fraggles released the new hate filled Doozers against the world. They now stood 20 stories high and cared nothing about building, only destroying everything in their paths. Preparing for the world for the coming of the Fraggle Army.

  When banished it was believed the Fraggles numbered no more than 30. Reports from satellites and ground penetrating x-rays reveals there are now hundreds of thousands, possibly millions of Fraggles living beneath the ground all around the planet.

  As of now, it seems all the nations are still preparing for this threat on an individual level. From all the reports and footage I see on tv at night, I don't think we can stop this threat without joining forces with the other nations of the world. The Fraggles are to well organized. I think if we don't present a united front, the Fraggles will win and reclaim what was once theirs.

Voting Is Like a One Night Stand

  It's over. It's finally over. Yesterday, 118 million Americans, determined to make their voices heard, lined up at their local polling place to cast their vote for the people they think best to lead us through the next four years. I am proud to say I was one of those people.

  And like everyone else, I would periodically check the news on my phone to see who was winning. Annoyingly, every time I checked, the reports would give vague, non-committal stories like 'Obama and Romney split Florida' or that it was too close to call. Finally, around 10:30 pm, my girlfriend sent me a series of text messages declaring that Obama had won.

  Now obviously I felt the need to write something about momentous event, but I really wasn't sure what. Especially since I knew everyone and their mother was going to be blogging about it. I've already read 15 different blogs and they all did something about the different speeches or how their friends feel or how their dog reacted to the announcement that Obama won. Pretty much everything has been done.

  So instead, I'll just share a few things I observed through out the day. Maybe some else thought of or had questions about these things, but I'm probably the only one crazy enough to write about them.

  During the past few months, only like three people asked who I was going to vote for and why. Yesterday, before I even made it to lunch, I had 8 people corner me and ask me who I was voting for.  When I told them who some were happy and others not so much, but afterwards I found myself watching/studying how other people reacted when asked who they voted for. The responses they gave and the way they said it, made me realize that voting is like a one night stand.

  Most people are proud, very vocal and even brag about who they voted for. Kind of like your buddy telling the story about the woman he met at the bar last night. Other people like to keep who they voted for to themselves. Kind of like that kindergarten teacher who met your obnoxious friend at the bar last night. And finally there are a few people who after voting feel guilty and wish they had voted for some else. Kind of how every woman who goes home with your friend feels.

  Signs. I noticed a huge increase in 'Vote for' signs. Sometimes I found myself driving down streets where the road was just lined with these signs. When I see all these signs I start to feel a little sad, because now that all the elections have come to an end, what is there left for the sign makers to do. Sure, they will do a few Garage Sale signs here and there or perhaps a Happy Birthday banner, but that's about it. I hope they find something to keep them busy for the next four years.

  Maybe Obama could help them find something, because he took longer  than Maria Carey to walk on stage. I'm not sure if he was busy talking to Romney or sorting through the M&M bowl in the Green Room to make sure there were no red ones. Or maybe Obama wanted to play this time around a little cooler. The first time he won, it took him less than a minute to hit the stage and give his speech. This time, I kind of picture him sitting in the Green Room in a big leather chair eating his M&Ms (no red ones, of course) watching the crowd waving their flag and thinking, "That's right people. This country is mine."

  I also noticed that after about five minutes of nonstop flag waving  and smiling and singing, people stopped rocking side to side and just stood there with their flag leaning to the side and a blank look on their face like, "What the hell man."

  All and all it was a pretty interesting day. And the best part of all is that for the next three years I don't have to see one politically oriented commercial. There were a lot.

Is That A Sword In Your Pants...

  It has been about a year since the Conceal and Carry Law was passed, and so far no one has shot anyone else for cutting in line at the Walgreen's checkout counter. Which is surprising since all I heard about when this law was being discussed was how people would start shooting each other over the littlest things. Kind of like the Old West, but with smaller and less offensive belt buckles.

  I will reluctantly admit that at first, I was one of those people. The worried ones, not the wanna-be gunslingers. Hey, my worry was justified. I work at a factory where guys are constantly bumping into each other, puffing out their chests and asking each other, "What are you going to do about it?" Sort of like being in the kindergarten version of New Jack City. Is it really surprising that with all that testosterone going around, I was about 60% sure someone was going to shot someone else. No one ever did though, and i think I know why.

  The sign. That's right, a simple piece of paper with words reminding people to leave their guns locked up in their cars. The idea is pure genius. I'm not sure why we haven't posted other versions of this sign elsewhere. For example on an airplane we could post a no hijacking sign or a no robbing sign at a bank. How great would it be if some super pissed off guy wielding a gun who was going to storm the bank door, read the sign and said, "Oh man, I didn't know. I better go put this gun back in my truck. Geez, am I embarrassed."

  I guess over the year as crazy as it may sound, I began to find the sign to be a little reassuring. Everyday when I walk up to that door, I see the sign and I can breathe easier because I know I work in a gun free building. Everything was okay...Until today, when I noticed the sign had changed. Now not only did the sign discourage people from carrying firearms into the building but it forbid weapons of any type.

   What the crap? When did this become an issue. I thought all I had to worry about were the crazy people and their guns. Now the sign is telling me I also have to look out for things such as tasers and knives and swords. I asked all the managers and higher ups why the sign changed, but no one had a straight answer for me. The closest I could get was a higher up who said the company has had some issues lately. Great. So, now my choices are to either get shot by Billy the Kid or have my head taken by the Highlander. Neither are very reassuring.

  It kind of makes me wonder what that sign will look like from a year from now. What weapons will I have to be looking out for in another five to ten years. Maybe there will be a no laser gun symbol, or perhaps no killer robots allowed. What about no crossbows that launch mini heat seeking missiles? It could even start referring to biological dangers such as the plaque. The possibilities are endless.

  I'm not sure how I feel about this ever changing 'no weapons allowed' sign, but I do know I am going to start reworking my resume tonight. I may not use it right away, but the moment I see two guys battling with swords over a vat of liquid metal, it goes up on monster.com. True story.

What Happens On Halloween Weekend

  Hey look, it’s a Ghostbuster. Oh, and is that girl with him dressed up as a Sexy Stay Puft Marshmallow. Is that group of girls dressed up like Sexy Zombies? Huh, I didn’t know that could be done. Seriously, are those guys really dressed up as characters from True Blood? Those guys need to put their shirts back on, and someone needs to tell them drawn in abs are not the same as the real thing. Awe, I think the Little Mermaid just blew chunks all over that tree. You won’t see that in the DVD extras.

  You have to love Halloween weekend. The things you see you will most likely never see any other time of the year. Name one other day of the year you can see Pee Wee Herman making out with some woman dressed up as Sexy Captain America. I’m pretty sure you can’t, but if you can email me. I totally should be following you on Twitter.

  The story teller in me loves it. I could sit down and brain storm about blog post ideas for an entire month, and still not come up with as many ideas as I did just listening to my friends describe their weekend.

  Here's a little example of some of the things I heard. They tend to range from the not weird to the WTF! that really happened. One friend told me how she had $20 stolen from her apartment. She's pretty sure it was some guy dressed up in a gorilla costume. The thing is, no one knows who that person was. Another friend told me how he went to a party hoping to meet a woman he has had a crush on for a while. She told him she would be dressed as Gothic witch with a mask. At the party he found someone who looked like her and was wearing what he thought a Gothic witch costume and mask. The funny thing is, he spent all night hitting on this woman only to find out it wasn't the one he was hoping to meet. She ended up getting sick and couldn't go to the party. Another person who was dressed up as a vampire told me someone kept following them around and throwing holy water on them.

  I think the best thing I heard though was a friend told me she went to take the garbage out on Saturday night, and when she lifted the lid a bat flew out and attacked her face. Her face has scratches on the side and some puncture wounds where it bit her. I don't think I've ever known anyone who was attacked by a bat. I suggested maybe the bat bite would give her super powers. After which I watched as she tried to shoot webbing from her wrist. A little crazy, but by far the most interesting.

  It seems Halloween is a lot like Vegas, minus the bats and the fact that in most cases, you can still talk about the crazy stuff that happens. I know Halloween weekend is when all the adventure happens, but I am kind of hoping the actual night of Halloween yields a few stories too. If it does, I promise to share them fairly soon. And remember we aren't laughing at you, but with you. Except for the friend who told me he left his only set of house keys in his friends car who was visiting from Ohio and had already gone home. That was funny.