Happy St. Patrick's Day

The Immortal Phil

  I have good news for all you winter lovers out there. They are predicting that we could be in for at least another six weeks of cold, snowy weather. And by they... I mean a little guy named, Phil.

  Punxsutawney Phil, to be precise. He's a chubby little groundhog who happens to have been gifted with the unbelievable ability to accurately predict the weather. Which he has been doing without fail for the last 125 years.

  That is pretty impressive considering most of the groundhogs I know can't predict the weather.  Not to mention they tend to only live between two to three years.

  So, just taking those two things into consideration has left me with a few questions rattling around my head. The main one being, 'how is he able to do what he does? "

  There are of course the obvious answers to choose from.  Perhaps he fell into a container of toxic waste and gained mutant powers. There is also the chance he was simply born a mutant with weather manipulating ability.  Maybe he is just part fae or maybe just maybe he is the result of years of governmental experimentation.

  I suppose there is also the slim possibility that the owners of Phil are just exaggerating and lying about his abilities and age. Only one way to find out.

  It was time to roll up my sleeves and enter the field and get right to the source of the issue.  But since I only had about $8 in my checking account, entering the field pretty much meant calling Phil's owners on the telephone.

  I was able to get in touch with Phil's public relations manager,  Sheldon Tillsworth. Here is an excerpt from our interview.

ME:  How old is Phil really?
ST:   Phil is a young 125 years old.
ME:  Is he part Highlander or something?  Maybe he is a cyborg from the future sent back in time to help humans prepare for an upcoming  weather crisis.
ST:   I'm not sure what that is, but Phil Is just our special,  magical little guy.
ME:  How accurate are Phil's predictions? ST:   Phil is right 100 percent of the time.
ME:  But how does he do it? Have you ever had him tested?
ST:   Why would we do that.  His track record is proof enough of his skills. He's our special,  magical little guy.

  Sheldon was very polite, friendly and enthusiastically answered every question I had.  My only concern was how honest were his answers. It was time to check a more unbiased source.  To the internet.

  After a few hours of scouring every website and message board I could find relating to Phil,  I came up with a few interesting counter points to what Sheldon had told me.

  According to the Accuweather website,  Phil is only right 38% of the time. A dramatic difference from what Sheldon shared with me.

  I also learned that Phil is no where near as old as he claims to be. Much like the Dread Pirate Roberts, every couple years the current Phil goes into retirement and a new Phil is chosen to continue on his legacy.

  Another shocker was that Phil's weather predicting abilities aren't exactly rare.  From my research I learned that almost every state has it's own weather predicting groundhog.

  I went into this investigation hoping to prove there was still some magic left in the world, but instead all I discovered were lies and deceit.

  Now the only thing i have left to believe in are the elves who think they make the toys for Santa.

 

 

 

Valentine's Day Life Lesson

  Today, I learned a very valuable life lesson. Not what the inherent dangers of dressing  a honey badger up to look like Justin Bieber are or what H.P.V. stands for or even what happens when you use more laundry detergent than the recommended amount or any other such things. This lesson was all about love, or more precisely, the lack there of.

  See, yesterday was loves biggest, most commercial day of the year. No, not 50% off night at Chubby's Exotic Dance Club. I'm talking about only the most exclusive holiday of them all, Valentine's Day.

  I call Valentine's Day an exclusive holiday, because it's really the only holiday that has restrictions.

  Let's face it. Valentine's Day is essentially a holiday for couples. True, there are plenty of men and women who proclaim that they don't need a significant other to enjoy the holiday. And technically this is true. Although, I compare it to being single and purposely showing up to the skating ring on couples only skate night. Everyone smiles at you, but deep down you know they are just pitying you because you're alone.

  It's this very reason, that I avoid asking people what they did on Valentine's Day. I'm always worried someone is going to be like, "I just sat at home, ate a whole pizza by myself and watched tv because no guys like me" or "Not so good. Jenny broke up with me for  her tax guy" or ...well, you get the idea.

  There's a lot of pressure to be with someone just so you aren't alone. I know people who have said yes to dates with some pretty crazy creepers just so they wouldn't be alone on Valentine's Day.

  That's why I feel maybe Valentine's Day needs an overhaul starting with the name. How a holiday named after a massacre caught on is beyond me, but I'm thinking we change the name to something a tad more friendly. Perhaps call it, Hey You Day or Have You Met Me Day.

  In addition to changing the name, I feel that instead of being geared towards couples in love anyone would be allowed to celebrate. Single or not, it wouldn't matter. The whole purpose of the day would be to just learn a little more about the people around you and treat everyone with respect. I think the world needs that more than it needs paper Valentine's with Justin Bieber on them and 'coked out' looking frogs clutching tightly to plush hearts with cute phrases stitched on them.

  Oh, and for those of you concerned about your heart boxes filled with chocolate, you need not worry. The giving and receiving of candy would definitely remain a part of the holiday. Logically, it only makes sense. Giving people things makes them happy and chocolate definitely makes people happy. So, it would be an irrational action to remove candy when it obviously brings people closer together.

  And after all, isn't that what should be happening on Valentine's Day. People coming together whether they single or a couple or whatever, to give each other candy.