No Peep Left Behind

  Just Born, the makers of those magnificently marvelous masterpieces known as Peeps, held a press conference today to announce the implementation of their zero waste policy.

  This means that like the great hunters of yore, Just Born will let no grain of flavored sugar go to waste.

  It's thanks to this policy that Just Born will soon be able to introduce three new products into their line of Peeps products.

     Peeps Chick Feed are small bags of sugar that kids can feed to their Peeps to help them grow up big and strong. This comes in a variety of colors and flavors.

     Peeps Poops are delicious chocolate treats collected fresh daily from the cages the Peeps live in. Its then melted down and molded into fun shapes kids everywhere are sure to enjoy.

     Peeps Zombies are those Peeps that end up looking not quite right after they are made.  Thanks to some fluke the head maybe flat or they might have a chunk missing out of the side. Normally, these Peeps are just melted back down and re-molded, but now thanks to the 'no waste policy' these Peeps get packaged up and get a second chance at life.

  Personally, I'm excited for all three of these products. However,  one man's love does not a successful product make.  I  suppose we will find out eventually how well these products are received.  And I'm  guessing if the response is positive we will see even more additions to this new eco friendly line which could be pretty interesting.

 
 

    

Tear It Up Clothing

  Riddle me, this my cunning blog reading friends. What do you get when you combine a guy who is more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt with a guy who has to dress up more now than in his entire life?

  Some would say you get a really happy woman, because you know that’s the only thing that would get him to dress up. And nothing says I like you more than showing up to your girlfriend’s friend’s baptism in a suit rather than acid washed jeans with the knees tore out and a denim vest.

  The people guessing that would be so close. So very, very close. Too bad we all know ‘close’ only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and farting.

  If you want to know the true answer to the riddle, you only have to wait until June… because that’s when I’ll be releasing my new business/ casual/ sports clothing line called, Tear It Up Clothing.

  That's right. I'm a fashion designer now. And do you know why I'm a fashion designer?

  (Pause for a series of wrong guesses.) 

  Nope. Those were all good guesses, but the real reason is that dress clothes are the most uncomfortable things to wear. And they take forever to get in and out of. They're like evil Chinese Finger Cuffs of Death. The more you struggle, the tighter they get.

  So, even when you do finally manage to get out of church or escape from that long boring wedding, its still going to take you at least 15 minutes to work your way out of all those buttons, straps, fasteners and belts.

  By the time you finally manage to get completely out of your dress clothes it will be too late. The beaches will have closed, the sun will have set and someone will have turned on all those sparkling Christmas lights in the night sky.

  To me that is just way too much free time to let slip through the cracks. That, my friends, is the main reason why I am now a fashion designer, and why my clothing line will be such a tremendous success.

  Tear It Up Clothing combines the tear away technology first developed and used by athletes and strippers with well tailored suits and our old helpful friend, Velcro.

  Still having trouble wrapping your mind around this amazing concept. I get it. Its a lot to take in. Let me paint you a little picture.

  You've been sitting in church for at least eight hours. You witnessed two baptisms, a wedding and what you think was an exorcism. You've already lost half the day, but its so nice outside that you and girlfriend want to still do something. Maybe go hiking or biking or nude sun bathing or whatever makes you happy in the fresh air and sun. The problem is there are no bathrooms you can use to change your clothes and you live thirty minutes from the church so you don't want to go back home to change and lose even more outdoor time. So, what do you do?

  Its so simple its crazy when you have on your Tear It Up suit. Here's what you do.

     Step One:  Make sure other members of your  church can see you.

     Step Two:  Clear your throat loudly. If people still aren't looking call out, "Sexy man about to undress over here." That will for sure get their attention. 

     Step Three: Now that all eyes are on you, slowly and seductively bend over and grab each pant leg. Take a deep breath and then as you cry out "Ta-Da!" tear away both of your pant legs. You will now be left with a pair of comfortable and very fashionable shorts with perfect butt pockets.

     Step Four: Time to get rid of that jacket. This is done in just a few steps. Start by tearing off both sleeves. They will separate easily at the shoulders. Next, give that collar a good tug. It will come off taking that expensive Armani tie with it. Yep, they're attached for your convenience. Finally, grab the the dress shirt and lapels of your jacket where they meet in the center of your chest and pull. The jacket and dress shirt will fall away revealing whatever cool graphic tee you have on.

     Step Five: Take time to absorb all the 'oohs' and 'ahhs'. Don't forget to wave. Remember... you just became a hero to these people. Act the part.

     Step Six:  Change your shoes and socks then hit the road.

  All of this will take place in the span of ONLY three minutes. Now that is a suit that every man can get behind. Not only is it comfortable and makes you look good, but it gets you ready for the rest of the adventures you have planned for the day.

  Tear It Up suits cost between $150 to $700 and come in wide selection of sizes and colors. We even do customized orders. So, if you want a TARDIS or your girlfriend's face on your suit... we can do that. 

  We are currently taking pre-orders. Hurry! Supplies are limited (for now). So call and get yours now. Operators are standing by.

The SyFy Original Movie Mega List

  Lately, I have put a lot of thought into the movies I like to watch, and also how much effort seems to go into defending those movies. 

  I am a fan of the 'B movie', mostly in the sci-fi and horror genres. Its hard not to love how campy they are,  the bad acting,  the cheesy monsters and the off-the-wall plots. But what I love most of all are the movie  titles.

  When people or even my girlfriend ask me what I watched over the weekend, its fun to drop a title like, Mega Shark Vs Mecha Shark. I can always tell by their expressions that they aren't a 100% sure if I really did watch that movie or I'm just making stuff up, because I don't want them to know how I spend my weekends.

  To help those unsure people out, I've scoured the internet and pooled together a list of every SyFy Original movie ever made. This way if someone you are talking to mentions the name of some too-weird-to-be-true cheesy movie,  you can just consult this list to see if it really does exist or if they are just to polite to tell you to mind your own business.

  *Note: The titles below are all real. I didn't make up any of them... even though it might seem like I did. Also, they aren't in alphabetical order. Deal with it.

Sharktopus
Sharknado
Babylon 5: The Legend of the Rangers
Alien Apocalypse
Alien Hunter
Dinocroc
S.S. Doomtrooper
Dinoshark
Dragon Storm
Yeti: Curse of the Snow Demon
Chupacabra: Dark Seas
Beast of the Bering Sea
Alien Siege
Triassic Attack
Almighty Thor
Vikingdom
Big Ass Spider
Shark Swarm
Ragin Cajun Redneck Gators
Pumpkinhead: Blood Feud
Annihilation Earth
Copperhead
Robocroc
Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy
Mega Snake
Planet Raptor
Alien Express
Boa vs. Python
Dinocroc vs. Supergator
Painkiller Jane
Rise of the Gargoyles
Riverworld
Lake Placid 3
Grendel
Battlestar Galactica: Razor
Deathlands: Homeward Bound
Children of the Corn
Blood Monkey
Battlestar Galactica: The Plan
Croc
Abominable
High Plains Invaders
Wyvern
The Immortal Voyage of Captain Drake
Ferocious Planet
Decoys
Stonehenge Apocalypse
Alien Lockdown
Frankenfish
Attack of the Sabretooth
Deep Shock
Grizzly Rage
Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep
Stonado
Flu Bird Horror
Pumpkinhead: Ashes to Ashes
Slipstream
Savage Planet
The Black Hole
Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the   Dragon God
Cube 2: Hypercube
Battlestar Galactica: Blood & Chrome
George and the Dragon
House of the Dead 2
Curse of the Komodo
Encrypt
Momentum
Red: Werewolf Hunter
Cerberus
Caved In: Prehistoric Terror
Anacondas: Trail of Blood
Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
Komodo vs. Cobra
In the Spider's Web
Beyond Re-Animator
Descent
Mega Python vs. Gatoroid
Firestarter: Rekindled
Sands of Oblivion
Minotaur
Wraiths of Roanoke
Supergator
KAW
Snakehead Terror
Gryphon
Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys
Lightspeed
Path of Destruction
Project Viper
Man-Thing
Wolvesbayne
Piranhaconda
Something Beneath
The Harpy
Anonymous Rex
Bats: Human Harvest
Black Swarm
Swamp Devil
Carny
Rock Monster
Heatstroke
Star Runners
Anaconda 3: Offspring
Ice Spiders
The Hive
Swamp Shark
Sea Beast
Locusts: The 8th Plague
Mosquito Man
Mongolian Death Worm
Mammoth
Raptor Island
Sand Serpents
Odysseus and the Isle of the Mists
Lake Placid 2
Vipers
Sabretooth
Iron Invader
Larva
Malibu Shark Attack
The Eden Formula
Pterodactyl
The Mercury Men
Silent Warnings
Red Faction: Origins
Skeleton Man
The Fallen Ones
Mega Piranha
Slayer

 

 

Easter Mushy, Mush

  A few of you this weekend took the time to express how shocked you were that Pam and I didn't do the cutesy new couple thing of 'getting our picture taken with the Easter Bunny'. I could go into a long and most likely hilarious explanation of why that didn't happen, but in this case I think simpler is better.

This is how I see the Easter Bunny at the mall.

How Pam sees the Easter Bunny at the mall.

The Unofficial Official Hunger Games: Catching Fire Soundtrack

Happy Easter 2014

The Cover Up: DIY Light Switch Covers

  You will never guess what I learned today. Apparently,  the company I rent my apartment from hates creativity and dreams. Although,  in all fairness,  I should point out the only reason I'm making this claim is because they poo-pooed all over my vision for the most ultimate,  amazing bathroom... The Tardis Control Room.

  I had it all planned out to the smallest detail. It would have been more visually impressive than Avatar.

  Alot of people ask me, "where do you find the supplies for that?". I just say back,  "where do you find the supplies for anything that is weird and unusual?... I went online. "

  Not that it matters now.

  However,  when I really have my mind set on something,  I don't always tend to completely listen when I'm told no. Usually I modify the idea a little bit.

  Sure they told me I couldn't redecorate my bathroom, but they didn't say anything about not making cool covers for my light switches.

  And so a DIY project is born. Now, to decorate your light switch cover you really only need a couple of things: a sturdy light switch cover (you can get them super cheap from Menards), some paint,  Modge Podge glue, photos and an a pair of sharp scissors.

  STEP ONE:
     Spray paint or use a brush to paint the top of the light switch cover. I did about three layers.

  STEP TWO:
     Figure out how you want to lay out your picture. Keep in mind you will be cutting out the center to some degree.  I just held my picture on the light switch cover then held it up to light so I could see where the hole would be. Once I knew how I  wanted it to look I cut out the photo to fit.

  STEP THREE:
     Glue the picture down.  What I did is brush some Modge Podge on to the area of the light switch where I would be putting the picture.  Then I put the picture down and positioned it where I wanted to be. Next I took another piece of paper and put it over the photo.  I used an old credit card to rub over the piece of paper. This helps get rid of any air bubbles and firmly attaches the picture to the light switch cover.

  STEP FOUR:

     After letting your project dry for a few minutes, you can now go ahead and apply one to two coats of Modge Podge on top of the picture. This will help add another layer of protection to your photo. Let it dry a few hours in between applying coats and after your last coat, let it dry over night.

  STEP FIVE:

     Now cut out the center of your light switch. You can use a small sharp pair of scissors or an Xacto knife. 

  STEP SIX:

Now its time to take off that plain old boring light switch and put on your brand new cool one.

  Once you do that you are all done, and all that's left to do is to kick back and listen to all the praise people are going to shower you with.

Six Things I Thought About While On My Lunch Break

  Pam was a little bit busy tonight, so that gave me some time to let my mind wander and here are the things that popped in there.

  1.  Does the Easter Bunny have a wife? If not where do
all his kids come from?

  2.  Do cookies have sex? If not how do they make more?

  3.  When they make an Oreo cookie, do the cookies tell their friends that they had a three way?

  4.  Why are there no bacon flavored jelly beans?

  5.  Do you think priests and bishops have breakaway religious clothes?

  6.  Why don't they put candy machines in the bathrooms? Because you know that's where you get the hungriest.

Wash My Hands On The Whole Thing

  Two weeks ago, my company took out the paper towel dispensers in the bathrooms and replaced them with the cloth towel dispensers. You know the ones where the towels loop down and then go back up into the machine. Sort of a perpetual towel.

  They told us they went with the cloth towels because not only are they healthier for us, but also will help save the planet. This from a company that was just successfully sued for poisoning the ground water.

  The thing about these cloth towels is that they stink. You can't really dry your face with them or blow your nose on them or even dry your arms off all that easy. They say we have them because the company is going green, but here's the thing. The executive bathrooms still have the old paper towel dispensers. And the executives always get every new thing first.

  So, if these are so great why do the executives not have them in any of their bathrooms? Hmm?

Taking Away The Flavor

  Luck. Some people seem to have it in abundance and others get attacked by rabid zombie squirrels every morning. That's just the way it is.

  But what about animals? Do you think they believe in concepts such as luck? You would think they have to, wouldn't you? For instance, a cat that gets to lay around all day, eat as much as it wants and get all the attention it craves has to feel way more lucky than a cow does... especially this morning.

  That's when the Food and Drug Administration announced  a nationwide recall on all flavored milk. It doesn't matter the brand or the flavor. It could be chocolate flavored, banana flavored or even bacon flavored. The FDA wants them all.

  The recall came about then some agencies for ethical treatment of animals began voicing their concern and disapproval regarding a new highly experimental, non FDA-approved method for adding flavoring to the milk.

  According to a report released by the FDA, the new method for adding flavor to the milk involves putting the cows through a radical dietary change.

  First, the amount of hay and feed they are given is cut in half. The next step is to determine what flavor of milk they would like the cow to produce. The third step involves replacing the missing hat and feed with whatever food or ingredient will help produce flavor they chose.

  For example, say you want your cow to produce Hersey's Chocolate Milk. Half of what you fed the cow would be hay and feed. The other half of the cow's diet would consist of Hersey's Chocolate Candy Bars.

  And the final step would be to collect and bottle the milk.

  The FDA assures us that there is nothing wrong with the flavored milk and it is completely safe to drink. The only reason for the recall, as previously stated, involved concern that the new diets and method for adding flavor may cause harm to the cows.

  Claims that drinking flavored milk will give you cool mutant abilities are completely unfounded and salacious.

  I, myself, have already drank seven 8 ounce glasses of Prairie Farms Jellybean Low Fat Milk, and all I've been able to do is levitate this stupid pencil in the air. That's not cool. Not at all.

  The good news is the FDA will only be halting production of flavored milk for two weeks. Just long enough for them to run some tests and to say the conducted a proper investigation.

  I hope they do it quickly. I'm already starting to go through withdrawal just knowing I'm not going to be able to find my Prairie Farms Chocolate Marshmallow milk.

What Not To Wear

  This weekend I am going to be Skyping with Pam's family. Which is kind of a big deal since I haven't met them yet. I really, really want to put a good foot forward and make a good first impression. The problem is, as you may all know, I have no fashion sense. Like 80% of my clothes are t-shirts and jeans. So, since they are here parents, I asked Pam to help me pick out some clothes. After all they are her parents. She should know what would impress them. After about five hours of searching my closet we (she) decided the best thing to do would be to just go buy a new outfit.

  Now, while I may not be able to tell you what to wear, I can definitely give you some examples of what not to put on.

  Below are some t-shirts Pam rejected immediately, tossed into a pile and told me to burn.

 

Catch The Rainbow

  Hello, fellow lovers of travel. You may or may not have noticed, but our most recent ice age has finally passed. The ground is no longer blanketed in 20 feet of snow and the army of zombie snowmen have all melted away. Which can mean only one thing... Spring Break, Baby.

  (*Note: If you are over the age of 22, you are no longer allowed to call it Spring Break. By law you have to say you are just going on a plain old vacation.)

  Whether you call it Spring Break or vacation doesn't matter. All that's important is you are going somewhere fun that isn't work or school.

  My favorite part of the trip is the time right before you leave. When you are still wandering around the convenience store buying multiple bags of beef jerky, candy, bottled drinks, chips and maybe a little bit of fruit. We aren't barbarians after all.

  This is also the last point where a 10 hour car ride seems like it is going to be the most amazing time of your life.

  In your mind's eye, you picture you and your friends rocking out to the radio and eating tons of that beef jerky while laughing and sharing funny stories that never seem to end.

  The cool thing is it really does happen that way... for about two hours and then reality sets in. You realize you are listening to the same songs over and over again. You feel nauseous from all the beef jerky you consumed, and you run out of things to talk about during the first half hour of the ride.

  In short, things can go from good to bad super fast unless someone gets creative and is quick on their feet.

  For example, have you ever heard of a game called, Catch The Rainbow? I'm going to guess probably not since Pam and I just made it up a few days ago.

  It's actually a pretty simple game. All you need is a couple King or Family Size bags of Skittles. The flavor doesn't matter. 

  Each person starts with 10 Skittles.  The game begins whenever you pull up next to a car or truck with its sunroof open.  The object of the game is to toss as many Skittles as you can through the other car's sunroof.

  Each Skittle you get in is worth 10 points. You get a bonus 50 points if the car speeds away in confusion. You get a bonus 100 points if the car starts to follow you and another 30 points if you manage to lose them.

  If the other car catches up to you and forces you to pull over you get 0 points,  because let's face it, you have bigger things to worry about than points.

  You can either start a new game with every new car or carry the points over for a much longer game.

  Give it a try on your next trip.  You will never laugh or smile so hard.

Kohl's Ghost

  Don't you hate when you wake up thinking the only thing you have to do is buy a new pair of Spider-Man Underoos, but instead end up having to re-evaluate your views on life after death.

  It would be pretty accurate to say that for the majority of my life, I have been completely skeptical of this concept of life after death or as what the professional 'hunters' on tv call... ghosts.

  Something tells me that a few of you might be slightly skeptical of my skepticalness (Hmm, is that even a word). Which is understandable. After all, I am the guy who flew to Utah to investigate reports that a flying sasquath with bat-like wings has been stealing Jimmy John subs. And yes, I also explored the shores of Africa in search of a Nessy like monster called, The Badoone.

  I suppose its just easier for me to believe in creatures, because there's more of a scientific possibility they could be real. How many new animals are discovered every day that people never knew existed? Maybe that's what these creatures are. Just animals who we have yet to discover or over millions of years, forgot about.

  But ghosts??? You're telling me I'm supposed to believe that because my grandpa forgot to give my grandma a 15 cent ring he won for her before he died, his spirit now is at unrest and and doomed to haunt this world forever... I don't think so.

  I loved my grandpa and all, but if there was an all day Martha Stewart marathon on tv and the remote was sitting on the coffee table in front of him, he would rather just watch Martha Stewart all day rather than move the three feet to get the remote. So, what makes you think he's going to put forth all that effort just to come back from the dead.

  This is why I have trouble accepting that ghosts are real. But leave it to needing a new pair of Underoos to throw the proverbial spectral monkey wrench in that belief.

  My girlfriend and I had to go to Kohl's to get me a new pair of Spider-Man Underoos. Why Kohl's? Simple. That's where you can get the high quality well made Underoos.

  it didn't take long for me to find what i was looking for. In fact, in under ten minutes, I found three different sets of Underoos. I got two Spider-Man sets, one Avengers themed set and a pair of Doctor Who dress socks.

  After all, is there a better way to express to someone how much their event means to you than wearing some Spider-Man Underoos and a pair of black dress socks with a Dalek stitched on the side in white thread.

  I have to admit, I was pretty excited about my haul, but before we left the store, I figured we could walk around for a bit. My girlfriend had had a pretty hard week and I thought maybe we could find some thing to bring that beautiful smile back to her face.

  It took all of five minutes to complete this quest, because unbeknownst to me, Kohl's had begun selling Disney products.

  They had t-shirts and DVDs and cups and plates and framed cells and little stuffed animals, but none of that seemed to attract her attention. The only thing that made her eyes light up was a giant version of Mike leaning against the back wall.  You know Mike, one of the main characters in the movie, Monster University. It stood about four feet high and was the low, low price of $500.

  Unfortunately, I had just had the transmission in my truck replaced and remembered that I wasn't Donald Trump. So, instead of buying Mike, we did the next best thing. My girlfriend cuddled up to Mike and I took their picture. Her smile was still intact and we still got to bring something home. A win-win in my book... that is until I actually looked at the picture later that night.

  At first, I was mad at myself because I thought I had messed up the picture. It was all blurry. However, upon closer inspection I realized only a blob in the lower center of the picture was blurry and slightly see through while the rest was in perfect focus.

  And it wasn't just a blob. The more I looked at it the easier it became to pick out an arm and then a body and then legs. Even though it looked as if the lower half of the body was still forming I could still make them out.

  Not to mention, there was no one else around when I took the picture. Yet there was obviously someone there or something that looked like a someone.

  I spent the entire night trying to come up with a logical explanation for the image, but as dawn's light started to creep through the window I finally admitted I might have taken a picture of a  ghost. a real live.. well not alive, but you know what I mean... ghost.

Over the next few days I continued to search for any logical theory that could explain away the ghostly form. I also began doing a little research on Kohl's hoping to find that no tragic events had taken place there, because if nothing bad had happened then there couldn't be any ghosts. I struck out even there. It turns out that in 1983 a girl died when her pant leg got caught in the escalator. If only her parents had been watching her.

  I'm not sure if I'm ready to admit that I did take a picture of a ghost of that ghosts are real, but i have included the photo here anyway. Maybe one of you will be able to tell me what you think is in the picture.

Picture of a possible ghost girl taken
at Kohl's

Movies I Want To See Made

  Here's a list of movies I would like Hollywood to make. All of them are guaranteed blockbusters.  Don't worry Hollywood,  you don't owe me any money for these ideas... unless of course, you actually do use one of them.  In which case, daddy wants to get paid.

  Fast and the Furious 9: Herbie's Revenge starring Herbie the Love Bug

  Hunger Games 3: Cookies No More starring Cookie Monster

  Sharknado 2: Electric Boogaloo starring a bunch of B, C and D list actors 

  Machine Madness starring Robocop, The Transformers,  Johnny Five and The Terminator

  Shirley Temple: Vampire Slayer starring Sarah Michelle Gellar

  Ronald McDonald's Wendy starring Ronald McDonald and the woman from the Wendy's commercials, Morgan Smith Goodwin

  The Notebook 2: Friday the 13th starring Ryan Gosling, Rachel McAdams and Jason Voorhees

  Mary Poppins:  First Blood starring Sylvester Stallone and Julie Andrews 

  Gods No More starring Harry Potter and Percy Jackson

 
 

Jesus Meet The Doctor

  Finally,  an explanation about the resurrection of Jesus that I can get behind.

Real Peep Facts

Real Peeps Facts

Six Things I Think About In The 10 Item Or Less Line

  1.  How do you not know how to swipe your bank/ credit card through the machine yet?

  2.  How do you have 30 some items in a 10 item or less line?

  3.  If I "accidentally" knock your box Captain Crunch on to the floor, does that mean I get to go ahead of you and your creepy child who is starring at the cashier like he might go all C
hildren-of-the-Corn on him at any moment?

  4.  You would think '10 items or less' would mean you would get through the line faster, but the store balances that out by putting their slowest person on that register.

  5. What is that purple stuff on the floor and why does it look like it is crawling?

  6.  Now, how did I just get kicked out of the '10 items or less' line for having 11 items when the guy in front of me made it through with at least 30 items? I bet he is totally sleeping with the cashier.

Saying Good Bye

  Tell me... What are you supposed to do when your truck is in the shop being worked on and there is no possible way to make it to your job?

  I'm not sure what you would do, but me personally, I decided to take advantage of the warm weather and recapture a little of my youth by flying a kite with my girlfriend.

  And not just any kite mind you.  This kite was a kite among kites. Zeus, himself, wished his kite was as spectacular as mine.  With a wing span of 52 inches, string already included and the image of Spider-Man emblazoned on the front,  my kite is what other kites dared to be. In fact,  I wouldn't be surprised if all the peace and goodwill the world has been experiencing lately came about thanks to my kite.

  Now, while I chose a kite that symbolized justice and hope, my girlfriend chose to express her wild, predatory side by getting a shark kite. With teeth more than two inches long and a tail that seemed to go on forever, this was not your mama's cute little pink kite. This kite cried action and action is what it got,  because no less than an hour after buying these kites had they taken to the air... sort of.

  I'm pretty sure the first 15 minutes of our kite flying adventure revolved around trying to just get the kites into the air. They would rise majestically and hover there... for about a minute before they would come crashing back down to the earth.

  The kites also seemed drawn to one another and whether it was a good versus evil type thing or they were just star crossed lovers, I would say that they smashed into each other or the strings got tangled together at least 25 times. I won't even say how many times we had to tie the strings back together.

  Sadly, it was starting to look like kite flying was a young man's game. I was just about to call it quits and give in when suddenly this mystical wind from the gods came and grabbed hold of my kite and carried it up into the heavens. 

  No bird ever looked as majestic as my kite did at that moment. This is definitely what separates man from animal... the ability to fly kites. Seriously, have you ever seen a squirrel flying a Superman kite in the park?

  And as if flying in the heavens wasn't quite enough,  my kite began to show off. At first doing single loops which soon turned into double and triple loops. Occasionally it would do a short dive then pull out of it, but like all great performers craving the lime light, my kite started taking risks.  The loops became bigger and the dives became more daring until finally it happened. Spider-Man dove nose first toward the ground, I tried to pull back on his string but ever the showman, he refused to listen.

  I was barely able to mutter 'no' when Spider-Man vanished behind a row of town houses. Seconds turned to minutes, but there was no sign of my kite. Fearing the worst I began rapidly pulling in the string. The line was slack and held no tension which could mean only one thing.  My kite had broken free and was now at the mercy of whatever nature decided to throw at it.

  Not willing to admit or accept our loss, my girlfriend and I set out in search of Spider-Man.  It was getting dark fast and we knew we had mere minutes to find him.
  We searched for several blocks and even walked the perimeter of a large field.  Nothing. There was no sign of Spider-Man anywhere. 

  Had the wind picked up again and carried him back to the heavens to help fight for justice or worse, it became trapped in a.vicious kite eating tree that ravaged and shredded him mtill there was nothing left but scraps.

  I choose to believe he is still out there... Floating amongst the stars and seeking out those who need help and protection. That's what brave kites do and he was one of the bravest I had ever seen.

Good bye my friend. May you soar forever amongst the birds and the gods.