I still don't plan on reviewing the movie, because really what is there to say. If you go to a Transformers movie you all ready know what to expect: Lots of explosions, some cheesy dialogue and Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots on a massive scale. What you may not be expecting is a movie that clocks in at 165 minutes. I know I wasn't.If I had known the movie was going to be that long, I definitely would not have bought the large drink. Seriously, there needs to be a sign at the concession counter stating, "The movie you are about to see is close to three hours long. If you don't have an aisle seat, you may want to consider getting a small drink."
About two hours into the movie, the realization that my bladder was losing the battle against the Diet Coke I kept sipping on suddenly sank in. I spent the next hour trying to think of a way to casually sneak past everyone else in the row without looking like I had just been shot in the stomach. Because as all men know, when you have to go to the bathroom that bad, you don't walk like you normally do. Instead, you hunch over a little bit, move really slow and wince with every step you take.
I figured it would take me roughly 15 minutes just to make it from my seat to the end of the row and to the aisle. So, I decided to suck it up and hold it. Not the wisest decision I had ever made.
When the first ending credit hit the screen, I intended to launch up out of my seat and on to my feet, but that didn't happen. I actually had to have my girlfriend help me up. And as I rose, I saw men all around me struggling to do the same. This meant only one thing... the race was on.
Like new born giraffes trying to learn to walk, men were limping and stumbling to beat one another to the ultimate prize. A spot at one of four stalls in the bathroom. As I made my way up the aisle to the doors that opened up to the lobby, I could hear my girlfriend yelling behind me, "Go! Go! Go!"
What she didn't realize was that I was already going as fast as I could. I'm pretty sure my grandpa who used a walker to get around could have easily passed me.
When I finally made it to the bathroom (I came in second place by the way)
all you could hear was a sigh of relief from four men that was so intense in volume and force that it could have shattered glass. And at the end, I walked out of that bathroom feeling renewed, alive and like a survivor.
Sure, the movie finally gave us the Dinobots we have been craving to see, but all I really took from the movie was this lesson... long movie = small drink. Its a simple equation that will save you a lot of pain.
