Tear It Up Clothing

  Riddle me, this my cunning blog reading friends. What do you get when you combine a guy who is more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt with a guy who has to dress up more now than in his entire life?

  Some would say you get a really happy woman, because you know that’s the only thing that would get him to dress up. And nothing says I like you more than showing up to your girlfriend’s friend’s baptism in a suit rather than acid washed jeans with the knees tore out and a denim vest.

  The people guessing that would be so close. So very, very close. Too bad we all know ‘close’ only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and farting.

  If you want to know the true answer to the riddle, you only have to wait until June… because that’s when I’ll be releasing my new business/ casual/ sports clothing line called, Tear It Up Clothing.

  That's right. I'm a fashion designer now. And do you know why I'm a fashion designer?

  (Pause for a series of wrong guesses.) 

  Nope. Those were all good guesses, but the real reason is that dress clothes are the most uncomfortable things to wear. And they take forever to get in and out of. They're like evil Chinese Finger Cuffs of Death. The more you struggle, the tighter they get.

  So, even when you do finally manage to get out of church or escape from that long boring wedding, its still going to take you at least 15 minutes to work your way out of all those buttons, straps, fasteners and belts.

  By the time you finally manage to get completely out of your dress clothes it will be too late. The beaches will have closed, the sun will have set and someone will have turned on all those sparkling Christmas lights in the night sky.

  To me that is just way too much free time to let slip through the cracks. That, my friends, is the main reason why I am now a fashion designer, and why my clothing line will be such a tremendous success.

  Tear It Up Clothing combines the tear away technology first developed and used by athletes and strippers with well tailored suits and our old helpful friend, Velcro.

  Still having trouble wrapping your mind around this amazing concept. I get it. Its a lot to take in. Let me paint you a little picture.

  You've been sitting in church for at least eight hours. You witnessed two baptisms, a wedding and what you think was an exorcism. You've already lost half the day, but its so nice outside that you and girlfriend want to still do something. Maybe go hiking or biking or nude sun bathing or whatever makes you happy in the fresh air and sun. The problem is there are no bathrooms you can use to change your clothes and you live thirty minutes from the church so you don't want to go back home to change and lose even more outdoor time. So, what do you do?

  Its so simple its crazy when you have on your Tear It Up suit. Here's what you do.

     Step One:  Make sure other members of your  church can see you.

     Step Two:  Clear your throat loudly. If people still aren't looking call out, "Sexy man about to undress over here." That will for sure get their attention. 

     Step Three: Now that all eyes are on you, slowly and seductively bend over and grab each pant leg. Take a deep breath and then as you cry out "Ta-Da!" tear away both of your pant legs. You will now be left with a pair of comfortable and very fashionable shorts with perfect butt pockets.

     Step Four: Time to get rid of that jacket. This is done in just a few steps. Start by tearing off both sleeves. They will separate easily at the shoulders. Next, give that collar a good tug. It will come off taking that expensive Armani tie with it. Yep, they're attached for your convenience. Finally, grab the the dress shirt and lapels of your jacket where they meet in the center of your chest and pull. The jacket and dress shirt will fall away revealing whatever cool graphic tee you have on.

     Step Five: Take time to absorb all the 'oohs' and 'ahhs'. Don't forget to wave. Remember... you just became a hero to these people. Act the part.

     Step Six:  Change your shoes and socks then hit the road.

  All of this will take place in the span of ONLY three minutes. Now that is a suit that every man can get behind. Not only is it comfortable and makes you look good, but it gets you ready for the rest of the adventures you have planned for the day.

  Tear It Up suits cost between $150 to $700 and come in wide selection of sizes and colors. We even do customized orders. So, if you want a TARDIS or your girlfriend's face on your suit... we can do that. 

  We are currently taking pre-orders. Hurry! Supplies are limited (for now). So call and get yours now. Operators are standing by.

What Not To Wear

  This weekend I am going to be Skyping with Pam's family. Which is kind of a big deal since I haven't met them yet. I really, really want to put a good foot forward and make a good first impression. The problem is, as you may all know, I have no fashion sense. Like 80% of my clothes are t-shirts and jeans. So, since they are here parents, I asked Pam to help me pick out some clothes. After all they are her parents. She should know what would impress them. After about five hours of searching my closet we (she) decided the best thing to do would be to just go buy a new outfit.

  Now, while I may not be able to tell you what to wear, I can definitely give you some examples of what not to put on.

  Below are some t-shirts Pam rejected immediately, tossed into a pile and told me to burn.

 

Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo

  What to wear. What to wear.  I have a closet full of clothes and I can't choose an outfit to save my life.  Oh, what I wouldn't give for a fairy god mother and a little
bibbidi-bobbidi-boo right now.

  Here 's my problem. Tomorrow I leaave for the Andy Astronautalis concert and the only thing I've packed are my swim trunks and a pair of socks. Call me crazy but I think I might need just a few more things. The question is... What do I need.

  I've laid a few outfits on my bed, but nothing is grabbing me by the collar and slapping me across the face.  Which is kind of what I was counting on happening. After all,  we all know from previous posts that I'm no fashionista.

  Heck, I'm still on a epic quest to find a 'damn' pair of pants.  For those of you who don't know what that is... that's when you walk by a group of people and they all say 'damn',  because you look so good in your jeans.

  After spending a few hours trying to decide between the silk Spider-Man button up shirt or the one that looks a lot like something Charlie Sheen's character in Two and A Half Men would wear, I finally gave up and sought out some help.

  I called up a friend who told me to wear jeans and a polo shirt.  My brother recommended jeans and a tank top. My mom didn't really have any suggestions except for not to buy any  drugs from someone,  because she saw on a tv show that's what happens at concerts.

  Having exhausted friends and family for advice,  I turned toward the ultimate source in knowledge.  The internet. I figured why should I keep asking people who have never been to an Andy Astronautalis concert before what to wear when I could easily download a few pictures of people who actually have.  Then I can simply see what the people in the crowd are wearing. 

  Fast forward 10 pictures later... plaid and flannel.  That's what I saw a lot of in the pictures. I have plaid. Plaid I have, but I don't own any flannel.

  So I turned to the person I probably should have asked in the first place... my girlfriend.  And normally I would have. She is easily the most fashion conscious person I know. 

  The only reason I didn't immediately turn to her is I that I wanted her to be surprised when she saw me all dressed up and looking good. Maybe she might even think,  'My guy is so cute' or 'Dang, is he sexy '. But since I couldn't decide on an outfit, I decided I would rather look good than just show up and taking a chance of looking like a hot mess.

  Her answer: jeans and a t-shirt. Now that outfit I can easily do. Yes, I may not have the most flattering jeans but I do have a wide assortment of t-shirts to choose from. Everything from the plain colored tees to my whimsical graphic tees.

  (Looks in my closet for a few minutes.)

  Oh man. What t-shirt do I pick?