Doctor Who Memes

Science Makes Amazing Leap In Weight Loss

  As I sit here and peck out yet another daffy blog post while watching the Matrix for the first time, I  can't help but think about all the huge leaps in technological advancement I have been lucky enough to bare witness to. Although, I suppose my parents probably thought the same thing as they were growing up and I'm sure my kids will feel the same way.

  Thanks to technology I can now lean back in a chair and marvel at the beautiful Las Vegas skyline with my computer on my lap opposed to a few decades ago when the parts for just one computer would take up entire building floors.

  I think it is safe to say that all the advancements in technology have definitely had a huge impact on my life. They have affected how I listen to music, watch tv and movies, play games, communicate and share with other people and most importantly how I maintain my health.

  The thing is, with all these advancements, you would think by now that nothing could surprise me. Well, if that's what you think then you allow me to introduce you to Garcinia Cambogia, the latest in weight loss pills.

  Like I do when I see any of these supposed weight loss scams, I rolled my eyes and groaned at the idea of some poor insecure person shelling out good money with the belief that taking a few of these pills will morph them into the next Bar Refaeli or Brad Pitt.

  However, being the type of person who doesn't like to mock what he doesn't understand, I continued to read up on all the information there was on Garcinia Cambogia. Which wasn't all that much.

  The investigations that were conducted upon this new super weight loss pill read like the owners manual for an Ikea entertainment center. I couldn't make heads or tails about what I was looking at. I picked up bits and pieces, but the scientific double talk was way beyond what I could understand. There was stuff about converting your bodies cells into little fat burning furnace's and hyper weight loss and absorption of fat, but that was all I understood.

  Instead, I decided to forgo the agonizing mumbo jumbo and go right to the before and after pictures. That would tell me everything I needed to know. And what it told me was science has once again pushed the envelope and as usual it might have gone just a little to far.

  So, what is Garcinia Cambogia? According to the before and after pictures it is a drug that doesn't so much help you lose weight as it does redistribute that weight to more desired areas. In other words, it turns your breasts into giant (or average sized) fat magnets.

  Here's an example of just how effective Garcinia Cambogia is and what it does.

  As you can see. The woman didn't lose any actual weight. All those extra pounds were just absorbed right into her breasts.

  Plastic surgeons were the first medical professionals to come forward to denounce the drug, but others are saying this is more out fear than anything to do with actual medical concerns. After all, from what I have been told, when women lose weight their breasts tend to also get smaller. But... if losing weight not only lead to a smaller body but larger breasts then those same plastic surgeons would be out of jobs. So, I guess you can see why they might be worried.

  The biggest questions I have is, How would this affect men? Would our pecks get bigger or would something else? Would even be effective on men? And if it only works on women I would question who actually developed this drug. Was it some Big Farm company or was it Hugh Hefner in attempt to ensure his magazine never runs of a supply of models?

  In the name of science I might give this drug a try. I could certainly stand to lose a few pounds. I will admit I am a little worried that I might develop a set of breasts though. If that happened I'm sure I wouldn't be able to keep my job in the factory anymore. Not with the guys I work with. I don't think I could handle all those stares. MY EYES ARE UP HERE, GUYS! On the bright side, maybe I could get a job modeling for one of those magazines.

  

  

A Message From My Mom

  When I finally fixed my Samsung Galaxy S3,  I was in for quite a surprise.  It seems in the week I was waiting for Sprint to send me my new phone a change had occurred.

  I'm guessing in an attempt to make things easier for their  customers, Sprint started converting voicemails to text messages. An idea I am behind 100%. Anything that saves me the time of having to listen to dozens of boring text messages every day I would consider a blessing from God... If it worked that is.

  The voicemail to text translation is normally only about 10% accurate.  Which means I still have to listen to my voicemail messages. On the brighter side,  the translations are like really messed up word puzzles.  So, they help keep my mind sharp.

  Here's an example of how accurate the voicemail to text message system is. Below is a message I received from my mom this morning. First, I'll give you the phone translation of the voice message followed by what my mom really said.

Voicemail Translation:

Hi wendy and ellen snow point and ... she's.

Mom's Actual Message:

Hi Jimmy. Are you still in bed? Talk to you later.

  It pretty much got only the 'hi' part right.

  I'm so glad Sprint has started offering this amazing service. At first I was surprised they were just giving it away.  Now I see why. Thanks Sprint. Woohoo.

Here's Your Sign

  So, I think it's safe to assume all campgrounds have a certain number of rules they expect you to follow. I think this one might have a little more than most.

Transformers: Age of Extinction - A Need To Know Fact

  Too be honest, the thought of writing a review of the newest toy commercial / movie in the Transformers series, Transformers: Age of Extinction, never really crossed my mind. Sure, I figured I would end up doing a meme or two, but that was the extent of my time I planned on devoting to the movie... That is until I went to see it.

  I still don't plan on reviewing the movie, because really what is there to say. If you go to a Transformers movie you all ready know what to expect: Lots of explosions, some cheesy dialogue and Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots on a massive scale. What you may not be expecting is a movie that clocks in at 165 minutes. I know I wasn't.

  If I had known the movie was going to be that long, I definitely would not have bought the large drink. Seriously, there needs to be a sign at the concession counter stating, "The movie you are about to see is close to three hours long. If you don't have an aisle seat, you may want to consider getting a small drink."

  About two hours into the movie, the realization that my bladder was losing the battle against the Diet Coke I kept sipping on suddenly sank in. I spent the next hour trying to think of a way to casually sneak past everyone else in the row without looking like I had just been shot in the stomach. Because as all men know, when you have to go to the bathroom that bad, you don't walk like you normally do. Instead, you hunch over a little bit, move really slow and wince with every step you take.

   I figured it would take me roughly 15 minutes just to make it from my seat to the end of the row and to the aisle. So, I decided to suck it up and hold it. Not the wisest decision I had ever made.

  When the first ending credit hit the screen, I intended to launch up out of my seat and on to my feet, but that didn't happen. I actually had to have my girlfriend help me up. And as I rose, I saw men all around me struggling to do the same. This meant only one thing... the race was on.

  Like new born giraffes trying to learn to walk, men were limping and stumbling to beat one another to the ultimate prize. A spot at one of four stalls in the bathroom. As I made my way up the aisle to the doors that opened up to the lobby, I could hear my girlfriend yelling behind me, "Go! Go! Go!"

  What she didn't realize was that I was already going as fast as I could. I'm pretty sure my grandpa who used a walker to get around could have easily passed me.

  When I finally made it to the bathroom (I came in second place by the way)
all you could hear was a sigh of relief from four men that was so intense in volume and force that it could have shattered glass. And at the end, I walked out of that bathroom feeling renewed, alive and like a survivor.

  Sure, the movie finally gave us the Dinobots we have been craving to see, but all I really took from the movie was this lesson... long movie = small drink. Its a simple equation that will save you a lot of pain.
 

The Times They Are A Changing

Help Stop Babies From Car Surfing

Life Tips From Lord Dark Helmet

The most powerful Spaceball in the galaxy, Lord Dark Helmet offers up some advice on how to deal with slow drivers by sharing his method for peacefully dealing with such meager distractions.

Alabama Church Uses Hitler and Hoover To Inspire

  I know religion has finally embraced the idea of advertising in an attempt to fill more seats on Sundays which I think is a great and creative concept. The only problem is, I really think some churches may want to consider hiring a professional.  Someone who can capture the hearts of the people without offending anyone.

  Did you hear that, Life Savers Ministries in Alabama? Its okay to ask for help. In fact, I'm begging you to do it. Or at the least, go with your gut feeling when it tells you something might not be quite right. That way, you might put a quote from Herbert Hoover up on your billboard to start with instead of one from Adolf Hitler. 

  

5 Things You Will Never Hear The Pope Say

  1,  Last night my friends and I stole a bunch of my mom's tampons so we could tie them together and make kick butt nun

Ugh. I can't believe I said that.

chucks.

  2.  Come on Mtv. I'm sick of waiting for you to air new episodes of Teen Mom.

  3. I need to man scape more often.

  4.  Hey you. Hey you. Pull my finger and I promise to bless you.

  5.  So, last night I met this girl at the bar and then her boyfriend showed up. Things got real... fast.

   

The Real World: Illustra - Redbox

Here is this weeks excerpt from The Real World: Illustra.

  This is the true story... of several heroes... picked to live in a state of the art beach house... and have their lives taped... to find out what happens... when people stop being polite... and start getting real... The Real World... Illustra.

All Your Shopping Needs In One Place

Florida Go Bust

  Alright. Be honest with me. Do I look like something that the cat just dragged in? Its okay. You can tell me. I can handle the truth.

  I only ask because I've already had nine people today tell me that's what I look like and if that is what I really look like then that's ... awesome!!! Especially since I feel like something the cat dragged in then peed on and then kicked sand all over.

  The flight I was supposed to catch at 5 a.m. was cancelled, so that was a great start to my day. They never gave a reason as to why my flight was cancelled, but I'm going to guess it must have been something pretty serious. After all, why else would they randomly choose me to under go a man-on-man assist. Oh, and in case you don't know what that is, that's where the TSA agent gets to feel you up without having to buy you dinner. The creepiest part is when the guy grabbed my leg then asked if it was okay if he could check my leg. I felt he might have been a little late with that question considering as he asked it, he was already in the midst of massaging.. i mean, searching my leg.

  Having cleared security I settled into one of those oh-so comfy plastic chairs near my gate and commenced playing five hours of Candy Crush and Paradise Island. The plane ride itself was fairly uneventful. I would preferred a little more leg room, but I powered through. Now, I'm finally home and I really just want to go to sleep, but I did promise you guys an update.

  The worst part about today was constantly thinking about how the trip was a complete and utter failure in regards to finding evidence proving the existence of the Sandsquatch. I know he is spotted all the time, I guess he was just a little shy when it came to me.

  That's fine though. Everyone needs a little alone time. And while I didn't find any proof to support the existence of the Sandsquatch , I found a few things that gave me hope that one day I will.

Florida has monkeys. If they have monkeys
why not a population of half man/ half ape
sand loving Sandsquatches.

The locals say they have never heard of Sandsquatch before,
but if this is true... who are those giant sandals for.

The Sandsquatch

  Good super early morning to friendly readers. I'm sorry this is going to be so short, but I'm racing to catch a flight to Florida. 

  A fan of this blog contacted me earlier tonight and told me he spotted the illusive Sandsquatch on a beach in Fort Lauderdale.

  For those unfamiliar with the Sandsquatch, he is a relative of the Sasquatch who prefers wooded-beach areas.

  I'll try to give updates when I can. 

Letting It Go... In More Than One Way

  Don't you hate it when you get a song stuck in your head.  It's bad enough when the song lodges itself in there for a couple hours,  but when its there for days upon days... well that's just down right evil.

  I know this because for the last week I have had that song, 'Let It Go' from the animated blockbuster Frozen running through my head.

  So far nothing has been able to make it go away or at least replace it. However, I have found a way to deal with it.

  When a song runs through your head enough times you begin to really listen to the words.  And when that happens, you realize the song isn't about her ice powers and control,  but about a woman who has been repressing her stinky, loud gas and finally decides to not hold back anymore and just let it go.

  If you don't believe me, check out the lyrics from the song.  Which I've already looked up for you and posted below. Sadly, I will never listen to that song the same way ever again.

Lyrics to Let It Go

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight,
not a footprint to be seen.
A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the queen.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside.
Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I tried.
Don't let them in, don't let them see.
Be the good girl you always have to be.
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know.
Well, now they know!

Let it go, let it go!
Can't hold it back any more.
Let it go, let it go!
Turn away and slam the door.
I don't care what they're going to say.
Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway.

It's funny how some distance,
makes everything seem small.
And the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at all
It's time to see what I can do,
to test the limits and break through.
No right, no wrong, no rules for me.
I'm free!

Let it go, let it go.
I am one with the wind and sky.
Let it go, let it go.
You'll never see me cry.
Here I'll stand, and here I'll stay.
Let the storm rage on.

My power flurries through the air into the ground.
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back; the past is in the past!

Let it go, let it go.
And I'll rise like the break of dawn.
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand, in the light of day.

Let the storm rage on!
The cold never bothered me anyway...

  See what I mean. Yucky

5 Things I Thought About While On My Lunch Break

Here are five things I thought about while sitting in my truck and enjoying this amazing weather.

     1.  I bet werewolves use an insane amount of Nair.

     2.  I know its possible to deep fry a Twinkie, but what about a Ho-Ho or Ding Dong.

     3.  Do all guys wish when they are stuck in a traffic jam that their car could transform into a flying car and attack those poor land locked cars?

     4.  Why don't they make bikini tops for men who have a little extra in the pectoral region. They could call them bro-kinis or his-kinis.

     5.  What do you think would happen if you texted a picture of your butt to the President of the United States and added 'LOL'? Do you think he would get mad or smile because you put 'LOL'?

The Real World: Illustra - Eyes On Who

Here is this weeks excerpt from The Real World: Illustra.

  This is the true story... of several heroes... picked to live in a state of the art beach house... and have their lives taped... to find out what happens... when people stop being polite... and start getting real... The Real World... Illustra.

Zombies Like Hugs Too

I couldn't sleep so I tried making some zombies.

Give Me A Break

  I don't mean to complain, but guess what... I'm gonna. Unless of course someone can give me a logical reason as to why I only get three breaks at work, but the people who smoke get five or six of them. I'm not all that great with math, but that doesn't seem fair to me.

  If one person is getting five or six breaks then I feel everyone should get five or six breaks. Getting extra breaks shouldn't just be a smoker's thing... but interesting enough, it is.

  There is no way I could go up to my supervisor and tell him I feel like I  need another break even though I just had one thirty minutes ago. I'm pretty sure he would laugh in my face and just tell me to get back to work. However, if I went up to that supervisor and told him I was craving some nicotine and wanted to take a quick smoke break, he would just nod his head and tell me not to take to long. Too bad I don't smoke.

  And you have to smoke. You can't go up to your supervisor and be like, "Oh man, I totally need an Oreo. Watch my machine while I go outside and twist open some cookies" or "Everything is getting really stressful. I need to go outside and do a few Mad Libs to help calm my nerves."

  What's worse is half the time you can't bring this concern to the attention of your supervisor, because he or she is also sneaking outside and taking extra breaks. Kind of makes complaining a little pointless.

  So, since I can't complain, I came up with my own solution. After some intense contemplation I realized there is one thing your supervisor and boss can never deny you... bathroom breaks. And the best part is, a bathroom break can take a minute or it can take as long as 30. It all depends on what you had to eat.

  I'm going to put my theory to the test tomorrow. , and when things slow down, I'll tell my boss I need to go to the bathroom. He has to say yes, right? I mean, he's not going to want me doing my little pee-pee dance where customers can see me. Once, he sends me I can go hang out in the bathroom for a bit and eat cookies or read some comics and maybe even watch some tv on my phone. The possibilities of what could be done in there are endless.

  If this works I may have found a loophole for all of us non-smokers out there. You have to love the loophole.



 

Godzilla And The Beach

The Real World: Illustra - The Peanut Butter Incident

  Here is this weeks excerpt from The Real World: Illustra.

  This is the true story... of several heroes... picked to live in a state of the art beach house... and have their lives taped... to find out what happens... when people stop being polite... and start getting real... The Real World... Illustra.

Things Human Resources Says I Can't Do Anymore

  Here's a few things the human resources guy at my company says I'm not allowed to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like they have it out for me.

     1.  I'm not allowed to empty all the metal out of a furnace and try to fill it with chocolate pudding anymore.

     2.  I can't do puppet shows for people in the the bathroom when the puppets are two white worms. Apparently it freaked some people out and for others caused confusion and some horrible things happened... I don't want to talk about it.

     3.  I have to stop sending subscriptions for Penthouse, Playboy, and Boy's Life to members of the board.

     4.  I have to stop using the presses to crack open walnuts.

     5.  The medicine cabinet is for emergencies only. Taking all the gauze out just so I can wrap myself up like a mummy is no longer prohibited. Playing mummy is not an emergency. Their words not mine. I'm guessing they never needed a Halloween costume at the last minute.

     6.  I have to stop telling people that our factory is built on top of an ancient Mayan burial ground.

     7.  I also have to stop using the intercom system to play the song, "Its a Small World" over and over again. Apparently, it gives some people horrible flashbacks.

Donkey Kong Blues

Keep the Good Times Going

Don't Do That. Don't Do This

  I swear. It seems like every time I go into work they've passed some new asinine rule.

  "Jim! No texting while you are on the floor!"
  "Hey! You can't race the fork lifts around like they're go carts."
  "You can't go around telling people to 'suck it'. Even if you do say it in a sing-songy voice."
  "Jim. You have to wear pants when you are at work. This is your last warning." I'm currently on my 19th last warning.

  And apparently now you can't walk around knocking over baskets of parts and people while roaring and claiming to be Godzilla. Or so says the person in the human resources, who's office I just left.

  I don't know why they were so fussy about the situation. Its not like I was knocking over baskets with new parts in them. These were old and defective and scheduled to be melted down later in the night.

  I even offered to pick up the parts afterwards which we all know Godzilla just wouldn't do.

  They thanked me for my offer, but told me it didn't matter if the parts were good or bad. That wasn't the point.

  So, I asked what was the point. Then I challenged him to find three things wrong with what I do.

  In response, I was given two typed single spaced pages with a 162 reasons as to why what I did was wrong. Hmm. I guess they put more thought into that than I expected them too. I won't bore you with all 162 of the alleged reasons, but I'll give you a few highlights.

    “…a danger to himself and others…”, “…questionable grasp on reality…”, “…makes weird faces…”, “…thinks Quidditch is a real sport…”

  Needless to say, that list goes on and on for quite a while.

  My “discussion” ended with the human resources person asking… almost begging me to be more careful and a little safer. I promised I would do my best.

  As I write this, a make shift ramp has been built and eight  of the companies biggest fork lifts were parked behind it. I'm sitting in a tiny battery powered golf cart and taking bets on how many fork lifts I can jump over.

  Hey, I'm keeping my promise. I’m doing my best to be safe and careful, but i've never jumped eight fork lifts with a golf cart before. Odds are I'm bound to miss some safety thingy.

  Maybe on Monday I’ll be called back down to human resources but for now I’m about to go down in the factory history books as Mr. Awesome Pants Who Jumps Fork Lifts… Awesome.

Happy Mother's Day

  To my mom, I just wanted to say thank you...

  ... Even if you did blame everyone of your gray hairs on me.

  Happy Mother's Day to all the special and caring moms out there.

Godzilla - Official Main Trailer [HD]

Hey Everyone. I'm pretty psyched about the new Godzilla movie coming out on May 16.

The Sideways Smile

  Have you ever found yourself sort of dreamily drifting through the day only to suddenly realize not only has nothing gone wrong, but everything is going impossibly right.

  You seem to find large amounts of money in the strangest of places. Everyone at work brings in cookies for no special occasion. You get a raise at your job. People whistle and ‘check you out’ wherever you go. Dogs and cats bow at your feet. You swear the air around you smells oddly like watermelon flavored Jolly Ranchers. Casting agents want you for the newest soap opera. And you win every time you do one of those instant win lottery scratch off tickets. It’s the perfect day.

  And as you walk down the sidewalk contemplating your good fortune, you happen upon an elderly gentleman bent over tying his shoes.

  Immediately you freeze. You can’t believe your seeing what you’re seeing. This can’t be happening. Not on your perfect day.

  Moments ago you were thinking of surprising your girlfriend or boyfriend with a romantic trip to Las Vegas and how all you can think about is the old man’s butt crack that’s pointed right at you.

  Its not fair. You didn’t ask to see it yet there it is peeking up at you. Mocking you. There really should be a law about who can and can’t show their butt crack or what is better known as the sideways smile.

  For instance, when your plumber comes over you expect to see the sideways smile. Its almost part of their 

uniform. You don’t, however, expect to catch your grandma flashing you ‘the smile’.

  Here’s a list of ten other people who’s sideways smiles you probably want to avoid at all costs, or risk having to burn out your eyes.

1.        Your dentist

2.       Your priest, rabbi, bishop or any other religious figure. (Except for the Pope. I just think it would be funny)

3.       The President of the United States

4.       Your server at the restaurant

5.       The health inspector

6.       A cop giving you a ticket

7.       The greeter at Wal-mart

8.       A manure inspector

9.       Your mom ( Sadly, its totally legal for dad's to show theirs. For some reason.)

10.   Someone who is known to have bad gas

Advice On Girls #1

  A guy i work with wanted my advice on how he could tell if this girl he has been hanging out with likes him as more than just a friend.

  At first I suggested that he just ask her, but that didn't go over well. He's a little on the shy side. So, I asked him if he knew if she had Googled him yet. He kind of tilted his head to the side, kind of like a confused puppy then slowly answered yes.

  I happily told him that she was very interested in him and that he should ask her out on a real date.

  The lesson to be learned here is that women will only Google a guy if she is interested in pursuing some kind of relationship with him. So, if you know a woman who mentions off hand that she has Googled you... immediately ask her out.

  You're welcome.

The Hand That Feeds

  This is not the sign you want to see while walking through the petting zoo.

Happy Fourth

Spider-Man Memes

Some Spider-Man memes to hold you over till the new movie comes out.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 - Final Trailer (OFFICIAL)

Shaking Spider-Man To His Core

  Holy web shooters, Batman!!? The Amazing Spider-Man 2 premiers this Friday and for as much as I talk about the character, I can't believe I haven't written at least one post about it.

  That would be like saying you were excited about having tacos for dinner, but you never actually bought the meat, cheese or toppings. Just plain silliness.

  Well fear not true believers. I'm going to make up for the lack of Spidey related posts starting right now and I'm going big right out of the gate.

 How big is big, you ask. How about I start by busting one of the greatest myths in comic-dom.

  "With great power comes great responsibility". Never has a more awe-inspiring phrase ever been spoken... or in this case, written.

  For those of you who have been living in The Vault for the last 40 years or so, 'With great power comes great responsibility' is the motto by which Peter Parker/ Spider-Man lives his life.

  Without that simple principal to help guide him, who knows what kind of man Peter Parker would have become. Let alone what kind of hero.

  I guess we all owe Uncle Ben a debt of gratitude for that... You know. For when he sat Peter down on their front porch and as the sun slowly set in the distance, Uncle Ben explained the concepts of power and  responsibility. You remember that, right? It was in Amazing Fantasy #15... The big talk... The one where Uncle Ben says that famous phrase, ' With great power comes great responsibility'. You really still don't remember it?

    I suppose I can understand you forgetting. Especially since Uncle Ben never actually said it.

  That's right fellow nerds, go ahead and pick your mouth up off the floor, because you heard me correctly. Uncle Ben never gave Peter any such advice. No matter how many people or movies cite him as the source.

  In fact, if  anyone deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for Cool and Inspirational motto’s that will be quoted over and over again forever, it would be the narrator of that issue.

  Not that I’m trying to take anything away from Uncle Ben. I’m sure he had a lot of deep and meaningful things to say that affected Peter’s life. Just not this one really big really important thing.

  Oh, here's another nugget of related Spider-man trivia for you. 

  The saying, ' With great power comes great responsibility' was not the only phrase the writers were considering. There were actually over 80 other possibilities being tossed around. Some were okay and some were so bad all I could do was shake my head, sigh and lose all faith in humanity.

  Its lucky for us they chose the one they did, but just to show you how wrong things could have gone, I've selected a few sayings from the list of other possibilities and posted them below.

     -  With great power comes other stuff

     -  Don't screw up, Parker!
     -  You take the good/ You take the bad. You take them both and there you have... The Facts of Life
     -  Good deeds are the sprinkles on life's ice cream
     -  Kick butt. Take names. Let God sort them out.
     -  don't be a zero. Be a Hero

  I could go on, but trust me, they don't get any better. No sense in putting you through all that pain and suffering. The premier is in just two days and this is supposed to be a happy and joyful time. And so maybe Uncle Ben didn't say 'With great power comes great responsibility'. You know he eventually would have said it, so I still give him credit.

  Now go dig out your favorite Spider-Man t-shirt, pre-buy your tickets online and I'll see you at the theater.

No Peep Left Behind

  Just Born, the makers of those magnificently marvelous masterpieces known as Peeps, held a press conference today to announce the implementation of their zero waste policy.

  This means that like the great hunters of yore, Just Born will let no grain of flavored sugar go to waste.

  It's thanks to this policy that Just Born will soon be able to introduce three new products into their line of Peeps products.

     Peeps Chick Feed are small bags of sugar that kids can feed to their Peeps to help them grow up big and strong. This comes in a variety of colors and flavors.

     Peeps Poops are delicious chocolate treats collected fresh daily from the cages the Peeps live in. Its then melted down and molded into fun shapes kids everywhere are sure to enjoy.

     Peeps Zombies are those Peeps that end up looking not quite right after they are made.  Thanks to some fluke the head maybe flat or they might have a chunk missing out of the side. Normally, these Peeps are just melted back down and re-molded, but now thanks to the 'no waste policy' these Peeps get packaged up and get a second chance at life.

  Personally, I'm excited for all three of these products. However,  one man's love does not a successful product make.  I  suppose we will find out eventually how well these products are received.  And I'm  guessing if the response is positive we will see even more additions to this new eco friendly line which could be pretty interesting.

 
 

    

Tear It Up Clothing

  Riddle me, this my cunning blog reading friends. What do you get when you combine a guy who is more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt with a guy who has to dress up more now than in his entire life?

  Some would say you get a really happy woman, because you know that’s the only thing that would get him to dress up. And nothing says I like you more than showing up to your girlfriend’s friend’s baptism in a suit rather than acid washed jeans with the knees tore out and a denim vest.

  The people guessing that would be so close. So very, very close. Too bad we all know ‘close’ only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and farting.

  If you want to know the true answer to the riddle, you only have to wait until June… because that’s when I’ll be releasing my new business/ casual/ sports clothing line called, Tear It Up Clothing.

  That's right. I'm a fashion designer now. And do you know why I'm a fashion designer?

  (Pause for a series of wrong guesses.) 

  Nope. Those were all good guesses, but the real reason is that dress clothes are the most uncomfortable things to wear. And they take forever to get in and out of. They're like evil Chinese Finger Cuffs of Death. The more you struggle, the tighter they get.

  So, even when you do finally manage to get out of church or escape from that long boring wedding, its still going to take you at least 15 minutes to work your way out of all those buttons, straps, fasteners and belts.

  By the time you finally manage to get completely out of your dress clothes it will be too late. The beaches will have closed, the sun will have set and someone will have turned on all those sparkling Christmas lights in the night sky.

  To me that is just way too much free time to let slip through the cracks. That, my friends, is the main reason why I am now a fashion designer, and why my clothing line will be such a tremendous success.

  Tear It Up Clothing combines the tear away technology first developed and used by athletes and strippers with well tailored suits and our old helpful friend, Velcro.

  Still having trouble wrapping your mind around this amazing concept. I get it. Its a lot to take in. Let me paint you a little picture.

  You've been sitting in church for at least eight hours. You witnessed two baptisms, a wedding and what you think was an exorcism. You've already lost half the day, but its so nice outside that you and girlfriend want to still do something. Maybe go hiking or biking or nude sun bathing or whatever makes you happy in the fresh air and sun. The problem is there are no bathrooms you can use to change your clothes and you live thirty minutes from the church so you don't want to go back home to change and lose even more outdoor time. So, what do you do?

  Its so simple its crazy when you have on your Tear It Up suit. Here's what you do.

     Step One:  Make sure other members of your  church can see you.

     Step Two:  Clear your throat loudly. If people still aren't looking call out, "Sexy man about to undress over here." That will for sure get their attention. 

     Step Three: Now that all eyes are on you, slowly and seductively bend over and grab each pant leg. Take a deep breath and then as you cry out "Ta-Da!" tear away both of your pant legs. You will now be left with a pair of comfortable and very fashionable shorts with perfect butt pockets.

     Step Four: Time to get rid of that jacket. This is done in just a few steps. Start by tearing off both sleeves. They will separate easily at the shoulders. Next, give that collar a good tug. It will come off taking that expensive Armani tie with it. Yep, they're attached for your convenience. Finally, grab the the dress shirt and lapels of your jacket where they meet in the center of your chest and pull. The jacket and dress shirt will fall away revealing whatever cool graphic tee you have on.

     Step Five: Take time to absorb all the 'oohs' and 'ahhs'. Don't forget to wave. Remember... you just became a hero to these people. Act the part.

     Step Six:  Change your shoes and socks then hit the road.

  All of this will take place in the span of ONLY three minutes. Now that is a suit that every man can get behind. Not only is it comfortable and makes you look good, but it gets you ready for the rest of the adventures you have planned for the day.

  Tear It Up suits cost between $150 to $700 and come in wide selection of sizes and colors. We even do customized orders. So, if you want a TARDIS or your girlfriend's face on your suit... we can do that. 

  We are currently taking pre-orders. Hurry! Supplies are limited (for now). So call and get yours now. Operators are standing by.

The SyFy Original Movie Mega List

  Lately, I have put a lot of thought into the movies I like to watch, and also how much effort seems to go into defending those movies. 

  I am a fan of the 'B movie', mostly in the sci-fi and horror genres. Its hard not to love how campy they are,  the bad acting,  the cheesy monsters and the off-the-wall plots. But what I love most of all are the movie  titles.

  When people or even my girlfriend ask me what I watched over the weekend, its fun to drop a title like, Mega Shark Vs Mecha Shark. I can always tell by their expressions that they aren't a 100% sure if I really did watch that movie or I'm just making stuff up, because I don't want them to know how I spend my weekends.

  To help those unsure people out, I've scoured the internet and pooled together a list of every SyFy Original movie ever made. This way if someone you are talking to mentions the name of some too-weird-to-be-true cheesy movie,  you can just consult this list to see if it really does exist or if they are just to polite to tell you to mind your own business.

  *Note: The titles below are all real. I didn't make up any of them... even though it might seem like I did. Also, they aren't in alphabetical order. Deal with it.

Sharktopus
Sharknado
Babylon 5: The Legend of the Rangers
Alien Apocalypse
Alien Hunter
Dinocroc
S.S. Doomtrooper
Dinoshark
Dragon Storm
Yeti: Curse of the Snow Demon
Chupacabra: Dark Seas
Beast of the Bering Sea
Alien Siege
Triassic Attack
Almighty Thor
Vikingdom
Big Ass Spider
Shark Swarm
Ragin Cajun Redneck Gators
Pumpkinhead: Blood Feud
Annihilation Earth
Copperhead
Robocroc
Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy
Mega Snake
Planet Raptor
Alien Express
Boa vs. Python
Dinocroc vs. Supergator
Painkiller Jane
Rise of the Gargoyles
Riverworld
Lake Placid 3
Grendel
Battlestar Galactica: Razor
Deathlands: Homeward Bound
Children of the Corn
Blood Monkey
Battlestar Galactica: The Plan
Croc
Abominable
High Plains Invaders
Wyvern
The Immortal Voyage of Captain Drake
Ferocious Planet
Decoys
Stonehenge Apocalypse
Alien Lockdown
Frankenfish
Attack of the Sabretooth
Deep Shock
Grizzly Rage
Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep
Stonado
Flu Bird Horror
Pumpkinhead: Ashes to Ashes
Slipstream
Savage Planet
The Black Hole
Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the   Dragon God
Cube 2: Hypercube
Battlestar Galactica: Blood & Chrome
George and the Dragon
House of the Dead 2
Curse of the Komodo
Encrypt
Momentum
Red: Werewolf Hunter
Cerberus
Caved In: Prehistoric Terror
Anacondas: Trail of Blood
Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
Komodo vs. Cobra
In the Spider's Web
Beyond Re-Animator
Descent
Mega Python vs. Gatoroid
Firestarter: Rekindled
Sands of Oblivion
Minotaur
Wraiths of Roanoke
Supergator
KAW
Snakehead Terror
Gryphon
Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys
Lightspeed
Path of Destruction
Project Viper
Man-Thing
Wolvesbayne
Piranhaconda
Something Beneath
The Harpy
Anonymous Rex
Bats: Human Harvest
Black Swarm
Swamp Devil
Carny
Rock Monster
Heatstroke
Star Runners
Anaconda 3: Offspring
Ice Spiders
The Hive
Swamp Shark
Sea Beast
Locusts: The 8th Plague
Mosquito Man
Mongolian Death Worm
Mammoth
Raptor Island
Sand Serpents
Odysseus and the Isle of the Mists
Lake Placid 2
Vipers
Sabretooth
Iron Invader
Larva
Malibu Shark Attack
The Eden Formula
Pterodactyl
The Mercury Men
Silent Warnings
Red Faction: Origins
Skeleton Man
The Fallen Ones
Mega Piranha
Slayer

 

 

Easter Mushy, Mush

  A few of you this weekend took the time to express how shocked you were that Pam and I didn't do the cutesy new couple thing of 'getting our picture taken with the Easter Bunny'. I could go into a long and most likely hilarious explanation of why that didn't happen, but in this case I think simpler is better.

This is how I see the Easter Bunny at the mall.

How Pam sees the Easter Bunny at the mall.

The Unofficial Official Hunger Games: Catching Fire Soundtrack

Happy Easter 2014

The Cover Up: DIY Light Switch Covers

  You will never guess what I learned today. Apparently,  the company I rent my apartment from hates creativity and dreams. Although,  in all fairness,  I should point out the only reason I'm making this claim is because they poo-pooed all over my vision for the most ultimate,  amazing bathroom... The Tardis Control Room.

  I had it all planned out to the smallest detail. It would have been more visually impressive than Avatar.

  Alot of people ask me, "where do you find the supplies for that?". I just say back,  "where do you find the supplies for anything that is weird and unusual?... I went online. "

  Not that it matters now.

  However,  when I really have my mind set on something,  I don't always tend to completely listen when I'm told no. Usually I modify the idea a little bit.

  Sure they told me I couldn't redecorate my bathroom, but they didn't say anything about not making cool covers for my light switches.

  And so a DIY project is born. Now, to decorate your light switch cover you really only need a couple of things: a sturdy light switch cover (you can get them super cheap from Menards), some paint,  Modge Podge glue, photos and an a pair of sharp scissors.

  STEP ONE:
     Spray paint or use a brush to paint the top of the light switch cover. I did about three layers.

  STEP TWO:
     Figure out how you want to lay out your picture. Keep in mind you will be cutting out the center to some degree.  I just held my picture on the light switch cover then held it up to light so I could see where the hole would be. Once I knew how I  wanted it to look I cut out the photo to fit.

  STEP THREE:
     Glue the picture down.  What I did is brush some Modge Podge on to the area of the light switch where I would be putting the picture.  Then I put the picture down and positioned it where I wanted to be. Next I took another piece of paper and put it over the photo.  I used an old credit card to rub over the piece of paper. This helps get rid of any air bubbles and firmly attaches the picture to the light switch cover.

  STEP FOUR:

     After letting your project dry for a few minutes, you can now go ahead and apply one to two coats of Modge Podge on top of the picture. This will help add another layer of protection to your photo. Let it dry a few hours in between applying coats and after your last coat, let it dry over night.

  STEP FIVE:

     Now cut out the center of your light switch. You can use a small sharp pair of scissors or an Xacto knife. 

  STEP SIX:

Now its time to take off that plain old boring light switch and put on your brand new cool one.

  Once you do that you are all done, and all that's left to do is to kick back and listen to all the praise people are going to shower you with.