The Vampire Hypothesis

  A few weeks back, I believe the exact day might have been April 1st, a thought popped into my head about how cool it would be if I could take a picture facing a mirror, but cast no reflection. Yeah, I know. I'm a dork, but this is the kind of stuff that pops into my head all the time. Sometimes I'm amazed I haven't been to a psychiatrist yet.

  Normally, when these less than genius level ideas come to me. I put them into a mental file folder for storage and safe keeping. Eventually though, kind of like my email folder, it starts to run out of space so in a typical lazy fashion I just do a mass delete. The problem with that is the good ideas are subject to the same fate as the bad ones. And what survives the purge is usually a mixture of the two. 

  It is all about balance. Yes, I may lose a formula I've been toying with that could cure baldness, but on the plus side, the idea of taking a vampire inspired photo moves to the top of my to-do list.

  First thing is first. I need to know how to stand in front of a mirror and take a picture of myself without my reflection showing up. My first thought was, 'I can just Photoshop myself out later". That's almost always my first thought, but I also quickly remember that I suck at Photoshop and I want this photo to look good. If I ever end up doing it that is.

  By the way, before we go any further I need someone to answer this question for me. Why is it whenever I am trying to think through something important that could possibly help people inspiration takes days to find its way to me. Yet when I am trying to figure out how to do something totally useless and weird, inspiration slams into me like a truck within the hour.

  Inspiration found me this time when I was half way through an episode of Psych. The answer to my problem is at the police station. Now, you may not realize this, but you can not just walk into a police station and ask to use their one way mirror to take a photo that makes you look like a vampire. They may not arrest you on the spot, but you will be escorted out of there very quickly and asked not to come back. Trust me, I now have some experience on this subject.

  Forget just asking them if you can use their one way mirror, because as I said, they are just going to toss you out on your butt. Instead, try this. Have a friend pretend to kick your butt right in front of the police station. And I stress the friend part, because if you choose someone you don't know that well. When they start fake punching you, if they have any unresolved issues with you at all, eventually those soft fake punches are going to become real. Another lesson I learned the hard way.

  Moving on... as your friend "kicks your butt" hopefully an officer or two will come out and stop him. Now, some of you may have an issue with getting your friend arrested, but don't worry. They won't arrest him right away. They'll just hold him for questioning. 

  You, on the other hand, will be taken right to your "Holy Grail", the Identification Room with the ginormous one way mirror. On the other side of that mirror is just a regular mirror. They have a mirror on the opposite wall so other officers observing the interrogation can watch the suspects hands if he or she moves them behind their back.

FYI - Bathrooms at the police station also have one way
mirrors in them.

  The officer will explain that all you have to do is verify that the subject they have in custody is in fact the person who attacked you. Before the officer can say anything else tell him you are feeling a bit overwhelmed and ask for a cup of water of coffee. Whatever floats your boat. The goal is simply to get him out of the room, so you can have a minute to take your photo.

  As soon as the officer leaves pull out your camera, run over to the one way mirror and start taking pictures. That's right, I said, "pictures". It took you a lot of work to get this far, and the lies you told won't work again. So, I recommend taking as many pictures are you can. At least 10. Who knows, if they all turn out good maybe you can make some nice coasters and a t-shirt.

  The moment you hear the door knob turn, put your camera away and begin sobbing. This part is going to require some major acting skills, because you now want to convince the officer that you antagonized your attacker and that everything happened so fast, you weren't able to get a good look at him.

  It may take a couple attempts, but eventually a very frustrated officer is going to thank you for your time and help and wish you a good day. Your friend should be released about 15 minutes later. 

  The only thing left to do is to buy a pizza, go home and upload the photo so it can be used later in your blog or as the best Instagram photo ever. I choose to use it in my blog. Who knows where you will post yours. You are going to take one too, right?

Escape From Illinois

  My trips to Illinois to see the family are rarely without event. And believe me, the week leading up to this trip was hella insane. I had to deal with raising an insane amount of money in a short amount of time, con artist tow truck drivers and a run away lizard. This kicker is, I wasn’t even planning to go to Illinois. It was a very last minute sort of thing.

  Interesting fact about Illinois, at the moment, the entire state is flooded out. I seriously  thought that I had fallen asleep leaving Wisconsin and awoke on the Lost Continent of Atlantis. All be it, an Atlantis that is constantly repairing its roads.

  The reason this trip was so impromptu was that I owe my mom some money and she found  a way for me to pay back a good chunk of it. Stupid brother having a soon to be father–in-law who runs a painting business that needed a few extra employees.

  So, for the next few days, thanks to my mom, this guy could pretty much make me do whatever he wanted to, and I had to just grin and bear it. Which would have been fine, if when I got off, I could have just gone to my mom's house and rested. What I ended up doing was helping my brother to move the last of his stuff into his new house, help build a 12 ft trampoline for my niece (that also includes the enclosure), go get fitted for a suit by an overly friendly tailor, build some dressers for my mom and finally help clean out the basement at my mom's house. I believe the basement was last cleaned out about 10 years ago.

  How helpful I was is very debatable. I believe I was very helpful. My brother and mom on the other hand definitely have a different opinion. Apparently, it is now helpful to scream, "No, that's a piece of my childhood. You can't just throw it away".

  By the time 7 pm on Sunday rolled around, I couldn't freaking wait to get back to Madison and sleep. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing my family, but every time I get back from Illinois I feel like I need at least another week vacation.

  I tend to make my departure from Illinois at night for a few reasons. Mainly, the traffic tends to be pretty light, so I can let my mind drift to things like new blog posts, comic strip ideas or whether or not it was really Bigfoot someone spotted shopping at Walgreens.

  Tonight though, I seriously started to consider the fact that at some point this weekend I ticked off one of the ancient gods, because my normal three hour trip took roughly five hours. That's including bathroom breaks, which some people think are a necessity, but on trips I just consider them annoying. Stupid 7 11 Double Gulps.

  It is kind of sad that before I even pulled out of my mom's drive way I was already having issues. Namely, washed out roads. According to my mom and brother, the road I normally take to get me back to the highway was under water. They recommended I take a different route, which was fine since it wasn't really that far away from the way I usually go. If this other route had been too far, I would have taken my chances driving through the flooded out road.

  So, about half way down the road, I start to hear sirens and behind me I see two cop cars and a fire truck barreling down on me. I pulled over as fast as I could, and watched as the emergency vehicles pulled away and vanished over the hill.

  When I passed over the hill, I had to slam on my breaks, because in front of me was a police officer, who seemed to get the fun task of redirecting traffic back the way it had come. Curious, I asked him why the road was closed. I thought maybe this road had succumbed to the flooding as well, Nope. I should have been so lucky. Apparently, the power plant down the road had strange fires popping up through out the building. It may not seem like that big of a deal, but that's because I didn't mention the power plant was nuclear. Not wishing to glow in the dark or develop a couple extra sets of eyes, I followed everyone else and headed back the way I came and connected with a third route. I was told to take this route only as a last choice, because of how long it would take for me to connect with the highway.

  At this point, I am roughly 30 minutes behind schedule and I was just about to fall even more behind because soon after taking this new route I came across a Family Video store that was having...hold on to your hats... a clearance sale. As if pulled by some unknown force I turned and parked in the Family Video parking lot.

  There were some movies I wanted to see if this one had for sale, that the one I go to in Wisconsin had sold out of years ago. So, I was told anyway. Like a skilled treasure hunter on crack, I zoomed up and down the aisles until I came to the 'M' section. There they sat. Three of the cheesiest SyFy channel original movies ever produced. There was Mega Piranha, Mega Python vs Gatoroid and Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus. All for only a $1.00 each. This was not an opportunity that could be passed up. And of course, after making such an incredible find I wondered what else I would stumble upon. Luckily, for my wallet, that was all I found. However, my little stop did put me behind an additional half hour. Add that up and I am now an hour behind schedule and have yet to leave town.

  A sense of "I just want to get home and sleep" washed over me, so I picked up the speed a little bit. And after another 15 minutes realized they were not kidding about this way was much, much longer. Also, this road wasn't free of its share of flooded out sections either, so I ended up taking two other detours that added even more time. By the time I finally made it to the highway, I was already about two hours behind. I technically should have been home in a little under and hour and instead I still had at least three hours to go.

  Finding the highway seemed to had changed my luck. There was barely any traffic on the highway and if you don't count the three bathroom breaks I was making excellent time. In fact, I was on my way to getting back to my apartment before midnight.

  Then I merged onto I-90. This road that would basically drop me right on to my front step literally almost drove me insane. I had completely forgotten about the road construction and while when I came in the road construction was spread out and patchy, this section stretch all the way to the Illinois border. Oh, let me not forget that it was also only one lane at 45 mph.  And for about twenty minutes I was stuck behind a guy who was only going 25 mph. If you wondering, yes he is still alive, but only because he turned off finally. There is no telling how it could have ended if he would have stayed in front me just a little longer.

  The good news is that once that guy turned off, it was smooth sailing the rest of the way. No more traffic and the road construction completely ended once I entered into Wisconsin.

  Say what you will about Wisconsin, they don't obsess over their road system. Once they fix a road, they just leave it alone and move on to something else. Heck, in some places they just throw some gravel down and call that a road.

  It only took a total of 5 hours for me to get home and another 30 minutes to unpack. After all that, the only thing I want to do now is go to sleep. See you in the morning.
  

Camp Coaster Is Open For Business

  Did you spend hundreds of dollars on an amazing coffee table just to make your friends envious, but when they come over to watch tv they still sit on the floor to eat and drink?

  Don't take it to personally. I'm sure there is  a perfectly logical reason as to why they are shunning your one of a kind, handcrafted coffee table from Italy.

  Perhaps your guests just aren't familiar with the concept or purpose of a coffee table. Its possible they may think it could be possessed by evil spirits or that its only to be used a sacrificial table  during the winter and summer solstices.

  I'm sure there are a million other excuses too, but gun-to-my-head, I would say its because of your butt ugly boring coasters.

  You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones you have proudly displayed on the center of your table like a stack of burnt toast.

  Its a scientific fact that boring coasters can drive people from even the nicest of tables.

  I know, because I too was a victim of boring coasters. No matter what food or drinks I put on the table, people always end up taking it to the floor.

  For weeks I searched stores for a set of coasters with some personality and color. I would have taken anything that looked cool, but the nerd in me was hoping I might stumble over a set of Doctor Who coaster... Nope!

  I couldn't find any coasters that made the nerd inside of me go "weeeeee!!!" Sure, there were some online but I didn't like the pictures or the hit my wallet would take. So, as a joke, I figured out what it would take to make my own coasters.

  Fast forward just one month later, and I am proud to announce that Camp Coaster is finally opening its doors. Figuratively that is. The Camp Coaster Etsy site is live ( etsy.com/shop/campcoaster )  and there is even a catalog in print and a pdf version.

  For those of you wondering if Camp Coaster will cater solely to the tastes of nerds, I saw fear not. We have many other styles of coasters to choose from as well. The coasters sets range from the nerdy to sports teams to nature scenes and animals. Plus, there are still tons of other themes to come. I have dozens of ideas rolling around in my head. I just need to take a minute and sort them all out.

  Also, while coasters put the coaster in Camp Coaster, there are also a few framed photographs to look at and purchase if you like. Other items will be coming in the next few weeks. My goal is to try and add something new as often as possible.

   Some of the other things you can expect to see soon are... hmm, let's keep that a secret for now.

  Some people are probably wondering why someone who already has two jobs is trying to start his own business. The answer is actually pretty simple. I want to do something I enjoy and that allows me to be creative and artistic. Its just the idea of creating something that makes other people smile  and maybe even laugh a little bit that makes the whole effort worth while.

  I would like to say to all the customers who visit Camp Coaster that I will work hard to provide quality merchandise that is useful and will bring a smile to your face. After all, what's the point of buying something if its not going to make you happy. That what car insurance is for.

Here are a few examples of what you can find at Camp Coaster:

                                                  

                                              

How Adults Deal With Hickeys

  We've all fallen victim to it at one time or another. No matter how hard you tried, sometimes things got a little out of control and you ended up with one. The dreaded hickey. Yes, that little bruise on the side of your neck that tells the world you met someone special last night and that you most likely got some.

  In high school getting a hickey was considered a double edged sword. On the one side, the hickey was gross and frowned upon, On the other hand, they also served as undeniable proof to your friends that 'things' went as far as you claimed they did.

  I remember when I was a Sophomore in High School and my friend Helen called me crying, saying that the guy she was fooling around with had left this ginormous hickey on her neck. She asked me what to do, but the only advice I had to offer was to put on a turtleneck. 

  Later I discovered that every teenager has their own sure fire method of getting rid of hickeys. I heard everything from putting a cold ice pack on it to using a cold spoon to break it up to massaging it out. If these methods actually worked or not I can not say. I always went with the turtleneck. 

  But what do you do when you get a hickey as an adult. Oh man, that is even worse that getting one when you were a teenager. You are so leaving yourself open to some unprecedented  teasing by your friends and co-workers...or are you?

  Sure no one wants to walk around sporting the latest in hickeys, but not once have I teased someone because of it. If anything, I feel a little jealous because it usually means that that person had a night where the passion and excitement got so intense, biting seemed like the logical next step.

  So, you are an adult and you have a hickey. What do you do? Do you put an ice pack on it or 'spoon' it? Heck no! You are an adult with adult money and an adult attitude. Here are some steps I recommend  on how to hide or just plain deal with your new neck accessory. 

  Here we go...

  -  Get a skin graft. You could wait for the hickey to go away on its own, or you could just pop over to the doctor and have him take some skin off your butt then stitch it on to your neck. You just cut the healing time for a hickey from three to five days down one. 

  -  Spray tan. Just paint right over that sucker. Spray tans normally last around seven days so by the time it fades away your hickey should be gone.

  -  Add more bruises to your face using make up, tear your shirt a little bit and when you get to work just tell people you were jumped by a group of ruffians. No one is going to call you a liar. Remember, you are an adult. People have to believe what you say.

  -  Tell people a friend brought over his rare collection of 16 tropical land dwelling leeches. Needless to say there was an accident and the leeches escaped. After a lot of hard work we are only able to catch 13. As you can see by my neck there are still some out there.

  -  Psychological Manipulation or 'Epic Shit Talking'. For example: "Yeah, I get my boyfriend so excited he gave me a hickey." Examine the other girls neck. "Oh, I'm sorry sweetie. I guess you just don't get your boyfriend excited at all. No wonder Is aw him last night at the bars with that red headed girl. Wait, doesn't your best friend have red hair."

  -  Paint your arms, neck and head the color of your favorite sports team then just tell people you are a hardcore fan and are just showing your team spirit.

  -  Tell people you had a horrible vacuum cleaner accident. For the more nerdy, try telling people your vacuum became self-aware, developed a crush on you and then attacked..

  -  

Na Na Na Boo Boo Jokes On ...Me

  If you don't mind, I would like to start this post off by going out on the proverbial limb by saying something that could be considered a little controversial.

  And that is, I just wanted everyone to know that I generally think of myself as a good guy. Some of you may agree with this and others will no doubt accuse me of being 'full of crap'. They may also use slightly stronger language, but I swear its true.

  When homeless people ask me for money, I always give them some. I pretty much will do any favor anyone asks of me. I'm kind to animals. I do charity work. I even watched two episodes of that mind-numbingly awful Chelsea Handler series,'Are You There Vodka? Its Me, Chelsea'. I even attempted to watch a third episode, but even my kindness and sympathy has its limits.

  However, every now and then, for some unknown reason, a switch flips in my brain and I suddenly have an urge to do something mischievous. My girlfriend calls it, 'being sassy'. Personally, it just sounds nicer, and as I already said, I'm generally a nice guy who has an occasional moment.

  Take today for instance. As soon as I woke up, I was out the door doing good deeds faster than a boy scout on crack.

  I helped my neighbor move some boxes. Refilled the 'take a penny - leave a penny' cup at the gas station. Returned my library books (all on time, I might add).

  I even helped an old lady cross the street, and then helped the same lady cross the street again after she started yelling she was being kidnapped. Turns out she didn't want to cross the street in the first place. She was waiting for the bus. (Quick tip: Always ask first before picking someone up and just carrying them across the street.)

  There were probably a few more good deeds, but honestly, who keeps track. All I know is that by the time I got to work I already did 26 good deeds. Give or take.

  Some of you might be thinking that because I did so many good deeds already that I could easily call it a day, but those people would be very wrong. The good deed train just kept on a rolling.

  At my job I did all sorts of good deeds. I cleaned out a few tanning beds. Talked to one of the employees named Kelly about how good a hamburger sounded. Changed a couple bulbs, I even rewired a bed. Although, there was a slight intermission in the preforming of good deeds, when I got blasted into the wall while rewiring that bed. And that is when it happened. That is when that little switch flipped. I'm not sure if it was the electricity or what, but suddenly I could feel a growing urge to be 'cheeky'.

  I was able to finish up my shift at the tanning salon without doing anything or pranking anyone, but as I drove to my other job. Hunger pains weren't the only things growing inside of me. My 'cheeky' meter was about to explode. That's when I came up with the idea of how to kill two birds with one stone.

  The plan popped into my head as if it was put there by God himself. The idea was simple. I would find the nearest McDonald's and order one the Angus Bacon and Cheese meals. The next step was to bring it to work with me, open the box and use my phone to snap a picture of this yummy looking burger. I think it is important to mention that if I could have made it to a Red Robin I would have. They have awesome burgers. The final stage of my cheeky plan was to text Kelly a picture of my burger. Sassy indeed. I even laughed at the fact that my picture would probably influence Kelly to stop and pick up her own burger. It was at that moment my 'cheeky' urge had been satisfied and the feeling began to disappear.

  Here's the thing. I feel as if you are only allowed to act 'cheeky' a certain number of times in a row. Once, you go pass that number, God steps in to level the playing field.

  My burger, having served its purpose well, began to slowly disappear. The thing is, around the third bite I noticed something was off with my burger. It just didn't taste right. I thought of throwing it away, but those things are like $7.00 each. I just told myself that it would start tasting better, but it never ever did.

  By the time Kelly texted me back saying that I was being mean, my stomach was churning and I could barely keep it all down. Needless to say, I spent the next five hours making frequent painful trips to the bathroom. What happened in there, you don't need to know about, but I will say that I'm positive I had food poisoning.

  And yes, I do realize that if I wasn't trying to be 'cheeky' and cheap, my stomach would be fine and I wouldn't have had to spend all my breaks in the bathroom or be hunched over on the couch trying to write this.

  I would like to say this was a first, but in actuality, it has happened a number of times before. Not the food poisoning part mind you, but the playing a joke or teasing someone part and having it backfire, has definitely happened before.

  Enough times, that I definitely should consider giving up on the whole 'cheeky' lifestyle and focus my energies on more productive uses for time. I should, but I most likely won't. In fact, I am feeling the rumblings of something already. It feels like 'cheekiness, but it could just be the last of that hamburger working its way through my system.

  I think the best thing I can do right now is just sit back and let nature run its course. Then once that is done and I have a clear head, then and only then will I really put some thought in to it. The only thing I am 100% sure of right now is that when I go to McDonald's for now on, I will be asking that I get a freshly cooked patty of meat. And people say I don't learn from my mistakes. Now who is the joke on...Still me? Okay then.



 

Update: Scope's Bacon Mouthwash

  Well folks, I want you to get ready for the biggest Hello Kitty party of the year. Pope, I promise this party will be off the chain.

  If you are wondering why I am throwing the Pope a Hello Kitty party, I suggest you go back and read Mondays blog post. If you do you will see that I was confident I had made a discovery was bigger than finding the Holy Grail and the Loch Ness monster combined. I had found out Scope was making Bacon flavored mouthwash that not only fought cavities but also whitened teeth.

  For the past few days, I have done nothing but search every Target, Walmart, Walgreens and every grocery store I came across with no luck. I thought I had almost found it, but it turned out to be just bacon scented shampoo.

  Sadly today, just as I was about to walk into another Walmart I heard a report over the radio that Scope's Bacon Mouthwash was an April Fools Day joke. You have no idea how disappointed I was, but a deal is a deal.

  Look for your invite in the mail. FYI- The Pope said he might wear the Hello Kitty costume I rented. (crossing fingers). Anyway, keep an eye on your mail people. Your invite should arrive any day now.

Make My Mouth Sizzle

  Happy one day after Easter everybody, or as my family has come to call it, Leftover. This is the time that we celebrate the insane amount of food my mom made by eating the same thing over and over again for the next week and a half.

  Now, some of you might have just reached for your calender and been like, "Leftover?... What the hell is he talking about? It says right here that it is April Fools Day." And you know what, maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong. I can't say for sure. I will say 'off-the-record' that you are most likely correct. On the record though, I think maybe you're wrong.

  I say this not because I have some long denied deep seated hate for April Fools Day, but because I saw something amazing on TV and I don't want it to end up being a prank.  Especially, since I came up with the same idea just a few years ago.

  And it would seriously suck if it turned out my revolutionary idea for bacon mouthwash was just someones idea of a bad joke. However, the fact that this was a legitimate commercial produced by Scope has me very hopeful that bacon mouthwash has finally became a reality.

  If you still can't believe you just heard the words bacon and mouthwash used to describe the same thing...believe it.

  For those of you who have not seen the commercial, let me answer some questions you might have concerning the details of this amazing product.

  -  Does it still fight germs and plaque?  You bet. In fact, it claims to kill 99.9% of all bacteria living  in your mouth,

  -  Does it taste like bacon?  It sure does. And after you spit and rinse your mouth out, Scope's Bacon Mouthwash leaves you with minty fresh breath.

  -  Does Scope's Bacon Mouthwash have a lot of calories?  Not at all. It is completely fat free.

  -  If I have bad cholesterol and heart issues, can I use it?  You can. It is recommended you consult with your doctor first though.

  -  Does it help whiten teeth?  Absolutely. It will make your teeth 3x whiter than any other leading brand.

  -  Does it regrow teeth?  Sure, why not.

  -  Will it keep me from getting pregnant?  Theoretically.

  As you can tell, Scope's Bacon Mouthwash does so much more than just freshen your breathe. It gives you a reason to smile, and apart from possible trips to Las Vegas and Oregon, this is the most exciting news I have had all year.

  I know this ad just appeared today, but that doesn't necessarily mean the whole thing is one elaborate prank. I am so positive that this a real product that if it turns out to be fake, I will throw the new Pope a Hello Kitty rave party. If I'm right though, I want a years supply of Scope's Bacon Mouthwash.

  Easiest bet I ever won... I mean made.