And that is, I just wanted everyone to know that I generally think of myself as a good guy. Some of you may agree with this and others will no doubt accuse me of being 'full of crap'. They may also use slightly stronger language, but I swear its true.
When homeless people ask me for money, I always give them some. I pretty much will do any favor anyone asks of me. I'm kind to animals. I do charity work. I even watched two episodes of that mind-numbingly awful Chelsea Handler series,'Are You There Vodka? Its Me, Chelsea'. I even attempted to watch a third episode, but even my kindness and sympathy has its limits.
However, every now and then, for some unknown reason, a switch flips in my brain and I suddenly have an urge to do something mischievous. My girlfriend calls it, 'being sassy'. Personally, it just sounds nicer, and as I already said, I'm generally a nice guy who has an occasional moment.
Take today for instance. As soon as I woke up, I was out the door doing good deeds faster than a boy scout on crack.
I helped my neighbor move some boxes. Refilled the 'take a penny - leave a penny' cup at the gas station. Returned my library books (all on time, I might add).
I even helped an old lady cross the street, and then helped the same lady cross the street again after she started yelling she was being kidnapped. Turns out she didn't want to cross the street in the first place. She was waiting for the bus. (Quick tip: Always ask first before picking someone up and just carrying them across the street.)
There were probably a few more good deeds, but honestly, who keeps track. All I know is that by the time I got to work I already did 26 good deeds. Give or take.
Some of you might be thinking that because I did so many good deeds already that I could easily call it a day, but those people would be very wrong. The good deed train just kept on a rolling.
At my job I did all sorts of good deeds. I cleaned out a few tanning beds. Talked to one of the employees named Kelly about how good a hamburger sounded. Changed a couple bulbs, I even rewired a bed. Although, there was a slight intermission in the preforming of good deeds, when I got blasted into the wall while rewiring that bed. And that is when it happened. That is when that little switch flipped. I'm not sure if it was the electricity or what, but suddenly I could feel a growing urge to be 'cheeky'.
I was able to finish up my shift at the tanning salon without doing anything or pranking anyone, but as I drove to my other job. Hunger pains weren't the only things growing inside of me. My 'cheeky' meter was about to explode. That's when I came up with the idea of how to kill two birds with one stone.
The plan popped into my head as if it was put there by God himself. The idea was simple. I would find the nearest McDonald's and order one the Angus Bacon and Cheese meals. The next step was to bring it to work with me, open the box and use my phone to snap a picture of this yummy looking burger. I think it is important to mention that if I could have made it to a Red Robin I would have. They have awesome burgers. The final stage of my cheeky plan was to text Kelly a picture of my burger. Sassy indeed. I even laughed at the fact that my picture would probably influence Kelly to stop and pick up her own burger. It was at that moment my 'cheeky' urge had been satisfied and the feeling began to disappear.
Here's the thing. I feel as if you are only allowed to act 'cheeky' a certain number of times in a row. Once, you go pass that number, God steps in to level the playing field.
My burger, having served its purpose well, began to slowly disappear. The thing is, around the third bite I noticed something was off with my burger. It just didn't taste right. I thought of throwing it away, but those things are like $7.00 each. I just told myself that it would start tasting better, but it never ever did.
By the time Kelly texted me back saying that I was being mean, my stomach was churning and I could barely keep it all down. Needless to say, I spent the next five hours making frequent painful trips to the bathroom. What happened in there, you don't need to know about, but I will say that I'm positive I had food poisoning.
And yes, I do realize that if I wasn't trying to be 'cheeky' and cheap, my stomach would be fine and I wouldn't have had to spend all my breaks in the bathroom or be hunched over on the couch trying to write this.
I would like to say this was a first, but in actuality, it has happened a number of times before. Not the food poisoning part mind you, but the playing a joke or teasing someone part and having it backfire, has definitely happened before.
Enough times, that I definitely should consider giving up on the whole 'cheeky' lifestyle and focus my energies on more productive uses for time. I should, but I most likely won't. In fact, I am feeling the rumblings of something already. It feels like 'cheekiness, but it could just be the last of that hamburger working its way through my system.
I think the best thing I can do right now is just sit back and let nature run its course. Then once that is done and I have a clear head, then and only then will I really put some thought in to it. The only thing I am 100% sure of right now is that when I go to McDonald's for now on, I will be asking that I get a freshly cooked patty of meat. And people say I don't learn from my mistakes. Now who is the joke on...Still me? Okay then.
