TMGEEZ: Justin Bieber Wardrobe Malfunction

If you do the math, every five minutes someone famous does something stupid. In scientific circles this is known as The Lohan Theorem. Here at TMGEEZ Entertainment just call that business as usual.

What's not par for the course, is when something embarrassing happens to that famous person and it's not their fault. Seriously, it hardly ever happens. Sort of like Haley's Comet. It happens once every couple years.

This time around the fates either smiled or frowned, depending how you look at it, upon the pop sensation, Justin Bieber.

According to sources, the young pop star was told by his agent that he had arranged for Justin to audition for a reboot of the classic television show, Green Acres.

Justin, who has been trying to work his way into acting, decided to go all out for the audition. Which meant not only learning every line of dialogue by heart, but showing up for the audition dressed as he imagined the character would be. It is obvious he was taking this opportunity very seriously.

However, his plans quickly fell apart, when Justin showed up for the audition and found that instead of a table full of directors and writers, he was standing in front of Stephen Harper, the Prime minister of Canada, wearing just overalls and a backwards baseball cap.

The media quickly jumped on the mistake, blaming the entire situation of Justin and going as far as to dub him the "white trash prince".

Justin tried to explain how the mix up had occurred and even told the press to verify the mistake with his agent. Strangely, Justin's agent couldn't be reached for comment. Only responding to emails with a lone question mark.

Chris Brown Inspires And Motivates

Chris Brown preparing to punch Twitter

  Well. Well. Well. Look who's gone and got himself in the headlines again. Two claps and a thumbs up to you, Chris Brown. I would say, ' your mom must be so proud", but we all know how you react to people talking abut your mom.

  Besides, unlike all those Chris Brown haters out there who were so quick to condemn and offer you up on the proverbial stake, I want to praise your 'look at me' actions.

  It is my general opinion that for far to long the role of 'Hot Mess' in the media has been almost totally dominated by women. Have you met the reigning and undisputed Queen of Crazy, Lindsay Lohan, and her Princess of Denial, Amanada Bynes?

  Sure, Charlie Sheen had a good run, but men really haven't had a good quality 'Hot Mess' since Mel Gibson. That is until you, Chris Brown. You have done more for the men's 'Hot Mess' movement than anyone could have ever hoped for.

  Let's not forget the first time you deleted your Twitter account, because Walmart wouldn't carry your cd. Then you had that whole thing with Rihanna which got you slapped with some community service and five years probation. Oh, and remember that time you broke the window at Good Morning America, because they asked you about your assaulting Rihanna. That showed them how non-violent you are. Which brings us to your current escapades that caused you to once again delete your Twitter account. Although, this time it seems like you might have had a valid reason.

  I would cancel my account too if a comedian exposed me for a ranting-illiterate-threat spewing cry baby. Would I really want people to know that someone that I told a female comedian to "Take them teeth out when u Sucking my d--- HOE". Probably not, then again, that's just me. But hey, just because you haven't reached me that doesn't mean you aren't inspiring and motivating others. A whole new generation 'Hot Messes' in-training are following your lead when it comes to Twitter.

  You forced Angus T. Jones, one of the stars of Two and a Half Men, to take a hard look at what he was learning on Twitter. He decided to that Twitter was nothing but filth and asked that people not follow him, because even he doesn't want to be on Twitter. As of yet, he has not canceled his account.

  Someone who did cancel his account though is the one and only, Justin Bieber. Apparently, Justin has been inundated with Tweets concerning his choice of attire when meeting the Prime Minister of Canada. Many people were curious as to whether Justin was aware he was meeting the Prime Minister of Canada or if he thought he was auditioning for an Green Acres reboot.

  See there, Chris Brown. Those are just two of the men you have inspired and who will surely follow in your footsteps to 'Hot Mess' greatness. Just keep it up and I guarantee that eventually you will make Mel Gibson seem like a saint compared to you. Go Team 'Hot Mess'.
  

The After Thanksgiving Ninja Workout

  You have to love Thanksgiving. It's the one holiday where employers bestow upon their employees the ever coveted four day weekend. The extra days off gives people the opportunity to finally have some time to themselves and also a chance to visit with their friends, family and loved ones. It's also a great reason to over stuff your face and belly with delicious seasonal food.

  In fact, emergency rooms across the country report that the highest number of 'Food Coma' cases occur on Thanksgiving. It is projected that there are thousands of cases of 'Food Coma' reported every Thanksgiving, but it is believed that number could actually be in the millions. Sadly, the majority of people who suffer from 'Food Coma' tend to crawl up on to their couches or into their beds and just agonize in silence. That is, if you can count groaning like a constipated bear the same as silence.

  Luckily, 'Food Coma' is easily treated and doesn't last long. To me, really only the negative part of Thanksgiving weekend occurs on Monday when I notice that my belly has developed its own gravitational field. Today I looked at my belly and thought, 'I look like I am about to give birth to a hot air balloon".

  Maybe it's just me, but I start to feel a little self conscious when I look like I'm smuggling two hams under my shirt. I'll be honest, I started to feel pretty crappy, but then I saw an ad on tv. It was for a new intense workout program that promised visible results within a week. "What's this," I said to myself out loud. And then I became worried for a second, because i was talking to myself.  the good thing is, according Wikipedia, I only have to start worrying once I start answering myself. Good to know.

  So, back to this new workout, I thought it was going to be an ad for PX90 or something like that. But it wasn't. This commercial showed me a work out I didn't even know existed. This workout work out not only promised to make my belly go away, but also to turn me into a ninja.

  The workout, appropriately called, The Ninja Workout, takes exercising out of the home and gym and into the streets. It looks pretty intense. One image was of a lady doing one handed push ups on the edge of a roof. Another showed a guy climbing a 20 feet tall chain link fence. And the last one they showed was a guy jumping from one building wall to another.

  I've always wanted to be a ninja, but i could never figure out how to go about it. So, it is pretty freaking awesome that i now have a way. It took about four seconds for me to pick up the phone and order the 20 DVD set. It only cost $300, so that's a pretty cheap price to pay for being a ninja.

  The greatest thing is, the commercial promises that in about two months, I should be a fully trained ninja death machine.

  I guess check back in two months and see if I'm breaking boards or just my arm. Hi-ya.

 

The History of Black Friday

  Wakey Wakey. It's time to take off the sweat pants and squeeze yourself into some shopping clothes, because in just a little bit, we enter into Black Friday. One of the most evil and darkest times of the year known to man.

  On this day, there is no holding open doors for other people or any of that 'good will toward your fellow man' stuff we hear about as we get closer to Christmas. Nope, Black Friday is all about doing whatever it takes to get the newest internet enabled 55" 3D flat screen tv for only $299. Even if it means camping out and trampling the 3 people in front of you to death to get it.

  FYI. I think murder is actually legal on Black Friday. It seems every year I hear about so many people dying on Black Friday. but I never hear about anyone being arrested. Just something to keep in mind when you bump that lady out of the way so you can satisfy you caffeine addiction by grabbing the last Keurig coffee maker.

  For those of you looking to thank someone for forcing your still-turkey-stuffed-butt out of bed because the best sale of the year starts at 5 am, have to look no farther than Macy's. Well, to be more accurate the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

  It seems we weren't always sleep deprived bargain hungry hate filled shopping fiends the day after Thanksgiving. It wasn't until the first Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in 1924 that the day after Thanksgiving became the unofficial start to the bustling holiday shopping season. This is because many businesses would use the parade as a marketing tool to promote upcoming huge sales which were always the next day. Which at that time, as of yet, did not have a cute nationally recognized nickname. I'm assuming they just called it, "Hell Day".

  It wasn't until sometime in the 1960's that the ominous day after Thanksgiving would be given the name, Black Friday. The name originally came from police working in Philadelphia, who would often complain about the horrible traffic and the huge unruly crowds on that day.

  The term, Black Friday, also became popular with businesses since it symbolized them moving out of the 'red' and into the 'black'. For those of you unfamiliar with bookkeeping that does not involve computers, red ink was used to symbolize a loss while black ink reflected profits.

  In recent years, peoples distaste for standing in long lines at unforgivable early hours has led to more and more shopping being done online. This has led to the birth of a new major unofficial shopping day known as, 'Cyber Monday'. However, that is a story for another time.

  Now, if you will excuse me, I have to get myself cleaned up. See, I need at new tv and Best Buy only has 5 of those new internet enabled 55" 3D flat screen tvs for only $299. I know. I'm not proud of myself, but you have to admit, that is a really good price. Now, has anyone seen my taser gun?

Sweepers Release Mega Turkeys

  Parents love to give advice. Especially moms. And to be fair, sometimes, it's really helpful and good. For instance, "Hey, don't stick your tongue in that electrical outlet." And other times you just end up frustrated while scratching your head.

  My mom's favorite bit of advice was, "Never clean up another person's mess, because you never know what you will find". I believe she developed an appreciation for this phrase when she found a pizza box with a live squirrel inside while cleaning my room. First of all, I was 15 years old when this took place. And secondly, I think she was seeing things or possibly on the crack, as well all know moms are to be from time to time. However, despite it's questionable origins, the advice is good.

  No one knows this fact to be true more than the Black Ops squad known simply as, The Sweepers. Not much is known about them, and what little is is believed to be either misinformation or simply the tales of madmen.

  Heck, I've been researching The Sweepers for years, and all I have been able to piece together is they are a squad comprised of both soldiers and scientists. They seem to get called in whenever a military facility gets decommissioned by the government. What they do at these locations is a mystery, but gun to my head, I would say they go in and remove all the top secret projects and sweep the place clean of all evidence.

This baby mutant turkey is
5 hours old

  I'm also assuming they are normally good at their jobs since they are essentially a mystery, but eventually everyone slips up. Sometimes its a little bit and you can kind of sweep it under the rug, and other times you accidentally release Mega Turkeys that reek havoc over the country.

  Yep, right now the there are, at last count, 38 Mega Turkeys attacking cities and towns all across the United States. That number will most likely increase very soon if the news networks are correct. Apparently, one of the benefits of being a 20 feet tall genetically altered mutant Royal Palm turkey is that they lay 5 to 10 eggs every day. They lady on the tv right now just said that new born mutant turkeys reach maturity in about 3 days.

  The military and the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) are being shocking quiet about their reason for creating Mega Turkeys. Their response to all questions so far has been, "no comment". I'm guessing it's hard to come up with a cover story when Mega Turkeys are involved. I'm sure whatever they come up with will have something to do with 'trying to find ways to feed and ever overpopulated world' and nothing to do with biological warfare.

  I guess the big question is, what are they going to do with the turkeys. I'm sure they will try to catch as many as they can alive, but turkeys are being bad ass courageous creatures. I doubt they will go back to their cages without a fight. And a few won't make it.

  My first thought was to obviously just use them for food, but then it occurred to me that maybe whatever changes were made to their DNA could be passed along. That's all we would need is a bunch of 20 feet tall mutant people running around. And given how things have been going in this country lately, I'm sure they would be 20 feet tall mutant zombie people.

  The news reports are asking everyone to stay inside their homes till the military and DARPA get things under control. I hate when they say that. Half the time when these strange outbreaks happen, there is nothing to worry about, and I hate sitting around. Plus, I am out of Diet Pepsi and I am really thirsty. I figured the odds of me being killed by a rampaging mutant turkey are pretty thin. That is until the guy down the street was eaten by one. Now, I think I'll just sit around and play some Xbox. Besides pizza places deliver food even in times of national disasters. Right?

 
 

 

Sports Mash Up

  I know. I know. A lot of you are wondering why I am writing about sports, something I don't really care all that much about, instead of Thanksgiving.

  Well, in a way, sports or at least football, is a pretty big part of Thanksgiving Day. Seriously, if you turn on your tv, there is only two things you will see. Parades and football games. There's not much else. Trust me, I check every year and it's always the same thing, parades and football, football and parades. Would it really hurt to throw a few episodes of ... I don't know...anything that's not football in there. Maybe some NCIS or The Big Bang Theory or anything not sports.

  The thing is, this year unlike all the years past, I might actually watch a football game. Hear me out. Over the last ten years, I have slowly been becoming bored with watching sports on tv. I still love to get together with some friends and play a little football or baseball, but watching it had become duller than watching paint dry.

  I'm not sure why or when it happened. Maybe it was because I felt like I was just watching the same thing over and over again. There weren't enough stand out moments. It's all "look, that guy just ran 4 feet and got tackled" or "oh, that guy just caught another fly ball" or "are the just going to drive in circles for 500 laps".

  It seemed as if nothing new ever happened. I think alot of people were starting to feel that way, because this weekend I saw something occur in a hockey game I had never seen before.  I'm not really sure the technical terms for what I saw, the best I can come up with is one hockey players ninja stomped another players face. I stood staring at the tv in utter disbelief. All I could think of was that one guy just went Bruce Lee on the other guys face. It was the coolest thing I had ever seen occur in sports.

  My friend kept asking me what I was staring at, and in a very monotone voice I said, "Is...that...legal?"

  I don't think my friend had any clue what I was talking about, at least, not until they showed the replay of the kick. He just laughed and said, "Oh the kicking thing. Yep, that's completely legal. I guess the owners thought people were becoming bored with the games so all the players are allowed three martial art moves per game."

  This seemed insane to me, but after spending a little time on Google, I found out he was right. And this rule didn't just apply to hockey. You could find it in football, baseball, basketball...pretty much if the sports name ends in 'ball', you are allowed to go all Hong Kong Phooey on your opponent.

  This rule and this rule alone maybe what brings me back to spending every Saturday and Sunday on my couch with a little Styrofoam cooler next to my feet and sharing the couch with five bags of chips and a few salsas.

  If I am late with next Mondays blog post it is only because I spent all Sunday watching football and emptying that cooler. I promise I'll get it out by Tuesday and that I will never let sports interfere with my work again. Oh wait, there's football on Monday too. Uh-oh.

 

TMGEEZ: Miss Piggy Arrested

  TMGEEZ Entertainment News has just learned that Miss Piggy, the beloved star of many family films and famous Muppet,  was arrested less than an hour ago for allegedly assaulting Kermit the Frog at a Olive Garden in Spokane, Washington.

 

  At this time, details of what occurred are suspect at best. The Spokane police have announced that they will not be releasing any information until they can get everything sorted out. Which could take a while considering the descriptions from eye witnesses vary to such a degree. One lady, who was just being seated, claims Miss Piggy freaked out when the waitress accidentally spilled some soup on her lap and Kermit was hit when he tried to step between the two women. Another gentleman said, "All Kermit did was ask her if she could cut the bread. The next thing I know Miss Piggy is unloading on Kermit with a series of karate chops."

 

  To many people the accusation of an alleged assault against Kermit by Miss Piggy may seem shocking, but a little research will reveal that this is not an isolated instance. Miss Piggy has appeared in front of many a judge through out the world due to her extreme temper. In fact, she has been charged and arrested 15 times on varying degrees of assault against people and fellow Muppets. Almost, all her alleged victims have been old boyfriends except for two.

 

  Miss Piggy has been arrested 15 times on assault she has never been convicted or served more than a few days in a county jail. It seems that even though assault is a very serious crime, it appears there is no law against a pig kicking the crap out of things. A technicality granted, but she gets off every time.

 

  There has been rumors that a new law passed last May could make it so Miss Piggy would see some significant jail  time if convicted and anger management counseling.

 

  We will continue to update you on this sad situation as the information is made available.

 

 

 

 



Return Of The Fraggles.

  Memories. We spent every moment of our lives making them. Some, we forget about quicker than my girlfriend can scream when she sees a spider. Others strike such an emotional cord that they stay with us to the day we die.

  The thing that surprises me is that when you talk to people about a memory, they tend to automatically assume it's a good one. No one, ever thinks you could be remembering the death of a loved one or the day you lost your job. Maybe it's because even the most jaded of us really wants life to be this happy shiny place.

  I am one of those people who fall into the 'happy shiny' category. For the vast majority of my life, I believed a bad memory will always be bad and a good one will forever remain pure. Man, it really sucks when life proves you wrong.

  If you were to ask me a few days ago what my favorite child memory was, without hesitation I would have said hanging out with my brother and watching Fraggle Rock. We would pretend to be different characters from the show and knew all the songs by heart. I think I still have that soundtrack somewhere.

  I have so many fond memories attached to that show. That is until a few weeks ago, when I discovered what the true history of Fraggle Rock is.

  The residents of Fraggle Rock did not always live underground. Thousands of years ago, humans and Fraggles lived on the surface together in peaceful harmony. Some documents even place the Fraggles in the Garden of Eden. The two species existed happily together for quite some time. That is until, the Fraggles made a unprecedented leap forward in genetic engineering.

  For all their good qualities, Fraggles did not like to work. They loved to play and dance and have adventures, but avoided work as much as possible. Never wanting to have to work again, the Fraggles turned to the one job they didn't mind doing. They began coming the DNA from different animals to create a working class. Someone who would build their buildings, roads and bridges. The humans tried to persuade the Fraggles to abandon this path, but they refused.

  It took 30 years, but the Fraggles finally succeeded. In a big ceremony, the Fraggles introduced the Doozers. The Doozer was no more the seven inches high, looked as if it was made of green Play-Doh and had a built in desire to build.

  The Fraggles offered to let the humans use the Doozers as well, but they refused. It didn't take long for the Doozers to go from being a part  of the Fraggles life to being just another tool for them to use. The Fraggles worked the Doozers around the clock. Sometimes having them build things just because they wanted to see what it would look like, then destroying it as soon as they were done. Other Fraggles would destroy Doozer buildings just to make them have to build it again. Most Doozers life spans equaled to only a few months due to being fed very little and forced to work 24 hours a day.

  The time came when the humans stopped negotiating with the Fraggles and started to demand the Doozers be freed. Eventually, this lead to a great war that lasted over 70 years. The battles were bloody and casualties were high on both sides. However, over time the humans would slowly gain the advantage, and on the last day of the war offered the few remaining Fraggles a choice. They could either stop their mistreatment of the Doozers or be banished underground. The Fraggles made their choice.

  On that day the Fraggles disappeared from our lives, taking the Doozers with them. Except for a few pieces of paper, all evidence the Fraggles ever existed had been erased. As the centuries past, the Fraggles became nothing more than characters of myth and legend.

  That is until, they decided the time was right to reclaim the surface world and exact their revenge on all humans. While underground the Fraggles had grown harder, uglier and cold. They no longer cared about having fun and playing. War was their lifestyle now. It is believed that all the reported sightings of trolls were really people spotting Fraggle spies sent to gather information. Uncle Traveling Matt, the most famous spy of all.

  The Doozers had changed as well. While underground the Fraggles had continued to manipulate their DNA, until the tiny, cute Doozer was no more. As a first strike, the Fraggles released the new hate filled Doozers against the world. They now stood 20 stories high and cared nothing about building, only destroying everything in their paths. Preparing for the world for the coming of the Fraggle Army.

  When banished it was believed the Fraggles numbered no more than 30. Reports from satellites and ground penetrating x-rays reveals there are now hundreds of thousands, possibly millions of Fraggles living beneath the ground all around the planet.

  As of now, it seems all the nations are still preparing for this threat on an individual level. From all the reports and footage I see on tv at night, I don't think we can stop this threat without joining forces with the other nations of the world. The Fraggles are to well organized. I think if we don't present a united front, the Fraggles will win and reclaim what was once theirs.

Voting Is Like a One Night Stand

  It's over. It's finally over. Yesterday, 118 million Americans, determined to make their voices heard, lined up at their local polling place to cast their vote for the people they think best to lead us through the next four years. I am proud to say I was one of those people.

  And like everyone else, I would periodically check the news on my phone to see who was winning. Annoyingly, every time I checked, the reports would give vague, non-committal stories like 'Obama and Romney split Florida' or that it was too close to call. Finally, around 10:30 pm, my girlfriend sent me a series of text messages declaring that Obama had won.

  Now obviously I felt the need to write something about momentous event, but I really wasn't sure what. Especially since I knew everyone and their mother was going to be blogging about it. I've already read 15 different blogs and they all did something about the different speeches or how their friends feel or how their dog reacted to the announcement that Obama won. Pretty much everything has been done.

  So instead, I'll just share a few things I observed through out the day. Maybe some else thought of or had questions about these things, but I'm probably the only one crazy enough to write about them.

  During the past few months, only like three people asked who I was going to vote for and why. Yesterday, before I even made it to lunch, I had 8 people corner me and ask me who I was voting for.  When I told them who some were happy and others not so much, but afterwards I found myself watching/studying how other people reacted when asked who they voted for. The responses they gave and the way they said it, made me realize that voting is like a one night stand.

  Most people are proud, very vocal and even brag about who they voted for. Kind of like your buddy telling the story about the woman he met at the bar last night. Other people like to keep who they voted for to themselves. Kind of like that kindergarten teacher who met your obnoxious friend at the bar last night. And finally there are a few people who after voting feel guilty and wish they had voted for some else. Kind of how every woman who goes home with your friend feels.

  Signs. I noticed a huge increase in 'Vote for' signs. Sometimes I found myself driving down streets where the road was just lined with these signs. When I see all these signs I start to feel a little sad, because now that all the elections have come to an end, what is there left for the sign makers to do. Sure, they will do a few Garage Sale signs here and there or perhaps a Happy Birthday banner, but that's about it. I hope they find something to keep them busy for the next four years.

  Maybe Obama could help them find something, because he took longer  than Maria Carey to walk on stage. I'm not sure if he was busy talking to Romney or sorting through the M&M bowl in the Green Room to make sure there were no red ones. Or maybe Obama wanted to play this time around a little cooler. The first time he won, it took him less than a minute to hit the stage and give his speech. This time, I kind of picture him sitting in the Green Room in a big leather chair eating his M&Ms (no red ones, of course) watching the crowd waving their flag and thinking, "That's right people. This country is mine."

  I also noticed that after about five minutes of nonstop flag waving  and smiling and singing, people stopped rocking side to side and just stood there with their flag leaning to the side and a blank look on their face like, "What the hell man."

  All and all it was a pretty interesting day. And the best part of all is that for the next three years I don't have to see one politically oriented commercial. There were a lot.

Is That A Sword In Your Pants...

  It has been about a year since the Conceal and Carry Law was passed, and so far no one has shot anyone else for cutting in line at the Walgreen's checkout counter. Which is surprising since all I heard about when this law was being discussed was how people would start shooting each other over the littlest things. Kind of like the Old West, but with smaller and less offensive belt buckles.

  I will reluctantly admit that at first, I was one of those people. The worried ones, not the wanna-be gunslingers. Hey, my worry was justified. I work at a factory where guys are constantly bumping into each other, puffing out their chests and asking each other, "What are you going to do about it?" Sort of like being in the kindergarten version of New Jack City. Is it really surprising that with all that testosterone going around, I was about 60% sure someone was going to shot someone else. No one ever did though, and i think I know why.

  The sign. That's right, a simple piece of paper with words reminding people to leave their guns locked up in their cars. The idea is pure genius. I'm not sure why we haven't posted other versions of this sign elsewhere. For example on an airplane we could post a no hijacking sign or a no robbing sign at a bank. How great would it be if some super pissed off guy wielding a gun who was going to storm the bank door, read the sign and said, "Oh man, I didn't know. I better go put this gun back in my truck. Geez, am I embarrassed."

  I guess over the year as crazy as it may sound, I began to find the sign to be a little reassuring. Everyday when I walk up to that door, I see the sign and I can breathe easier because I know I work in a gun free building. Everything was okay...Until today, when I noticed the sign had changed. Now not only did the sign discourage people from carrying firearms into the building but it forbid weapons of any type.

   What the crap? When did this become an issue. I thought all I had to worry about were the crazy people and their guns. Now the sign is telling me I also have to look out for things such as tasers and knives and swords. I asked all the managers and higher ups why the sign changed, but no one had a straight answer for me. The closest I could get was a higher up who said the company has had some issues lately. Great. So, now my choices are to either get shot by Billy the Kid or have my head taken by the Highlander. Neither are very reassuring.

  It kind of makes me wonder what that sign will look like from a year from now. What weapons will I have to be looking out for in another five to ten years. Maybe there will be a no laser gun symbol, or perhaps no killer robots allowed. What about no crossbows that launch mini heat seeking missiles? It could even start referring to biological dangers such as the plaque. The possibilities are endless.

  I'm not sure how I feel about this ever changing 'no weapons allowed' sign, but I do know I am going to start reworking my resume tonight. I may not use it right away, but the moment I see two guys battling with swords over a vat of liquid metal, it goes up on monster.com. True story.