Aliens Are Superficial. Go Figure

  Being an avid believer in aliens, monsters and everything paranormal, I tend to be dialed in on all the latest rumors and gossip. The latest bit of gossip I heard had me so stunned that I actually jumped in my car and drove all the way to West Bend, Indiana to conduct my own investigation.

  The case I following up on involved a U.F.O. abductee. For decades aliens have been accused of preforming horrible acts like cow mutilations, anal-probing, tampering with human DNA and several other things. The one thing they have never been accused of is discrimination. Until now that is.

  For those of you who don't follow this stuff quite as closely as I do, which I am assuming is like 93% of the population, let me fill you in on the details of what happened.

   On Sat., April 3, Eugene Eckerman was once again returning early and unsuccessful from speed dating at his church. Like any shrewd businessman, Eugene was running over the evening in his head trying to figure out how it had gone so bad, so fast.

  He knew it wasn't his clothes because his mom had personally laid them out for him. It couldn't be his car. That was a neon purple convertible station wagon. He wore Drakkar Noir and he knew for a fact women loved the smell of it. In high school that was what all the girls talked about. His hair was...maybe it was his hair. Eugene had once heard how all the guys in Hollywood were frosting their tips. He kept his hair pretty short, but he was confident he could pull it off. Just as Eugene picked up his cell phone to call his hair stylist, something emitting a bright light zoomed over his car and quickly out of sight.

  Before he could express one of the thirty expletives that was racing through his head, his car suddenly sputtered then lost power.

  Eugene let out a loud sigh and groan, then switched from trying to call his hair stylist to finding a tow truck. It was then he noticed the light was back, much lower this time and so bright he could barely see passed his windshield. So, he closed his eyes. That was the last thing Eugene remembered doing before he woke up inside the U.F.O.

  As he awoke, Eugene could hear some voices. The voices weren't in English or any human dialect that he recognized, but one thing did stand out. He swore he could hear laughter. It took sometime, but his eyes finally were able to focus.  When he tried to rub them, nothing happened. His arms weren't moving. Eugene struggled and thrashed as best he could, but to no avail. His arms weren't the only things that were secured. He also couldn't move his waist or legs.

  Lifting his head as far as he could, Eugene struggled to take in his surroundings. The room was very white. The type of white you would expect an ultra disinfected surgical room to be. Eugene thought the set designers from Star Trek must have designed the room. There were a few control panels and couple chairs. As Eugene's eyes  scanned the room, he passed over two figures in the corner. They were aliens.

  They pointed at him and giggled. Yes, he was sure they were giggling. Just as Eugene was about to say something, one of the aliens turned to what he assumed was a computer. As she moved her fingers over the buttons, a picture of David Beckham came into focus. The two aliens looked at the picture and said, "Jeenow". Eugene assumed that was alien for "Wow" or "Oh, he is so sexy and he knows it."

  Several times the aliens, who Eugene was guessing were females, pointed from him to the picture of David Beckham. Finally, they pointed one last time at Eugene, shook their heads and laughed. Yes, this was an out and out laugh.

  The alien who initially pulled up the picture of David Beckham went back to the computer and hit a few buttons. Eugene was so focused on what she was doing, that he never noticed a device with a long gun like barrel lowering down and pointing at the side of his head.

  Again it seems Eugene was a bit to slow vocalizing his favorite expletives, because just as he opened his mouth a bright circle of light formed at the end of the barrel. The light grew and grew till once again, he couldn't see anything and passed out.

  According to the clock in his car, where Eugene came to, only 15 minutes had passed. He would later come to find that he was missing for over 10 hours. as Eugene tried to make sense of what happened, he found a card attached to the front of his shirt. He half expected it to be in some alien language but was slightly relieved when he saw it was in English. The note read:

"You have been rejected due

to the fact you appear to be

facially compromised. Thank

you for your time.

- Alpha Sigma Alpha (Milky Way Chapter)

 

  After sharing the details of his return, Eugene falls silent. I try to make him feel better by telling him he wasn't the first person to be rejected for the alien breeding program. I guess knowing that Carrot Top was the last person to be rejected wasn't exactly reassuring to him. However, for all of us who are facially compromised we can take a breath and relax. However, when you suddenly realize that Robert Downey Jr. hasn't made a movie in six years, now you know why.

  Aliens might be superficial, but they aren't stupid.

 

Monster at Devil's Lake

This is a photo I took at Devil's Lake when I was hiking.

GODZILLA ATTACKS MADISON!!!

After things finally started to calm down from all the election excitement, now

we have to deal with this. If it's not one thing it's another in this town.

Elderly People Enjoy Tennis Too

I'm not sure where this photo came from or who took it but I love it. Pay attention to the guy in the front row. He looks like he thought it was his turn.

Also thanks to Comic Strip It, I might have added a little bit to the picture.

The Weekend I Almost Died

  So, here's the thing, I didn't really plan on writing anything today. It is Saturday after all. That means it is time to put all work aside, grab Kelly and head to the beach. I've got a new Captain America speedo I wanted to show off.

  Unfortunately, Kelly, my girlfriend, saw what I planned to wear to the beach. I have a feeling something about the speedo didn't sit well with her, because after seeing it she fainted and hit her head on a watermelon. She's at the doctor right now getting the watermelon removed. Sticky like glue those watermelons.
  Anyway, since I know have some free time, I figured I would kick out a quick blog and I already know the topic thanks to you guys. Everyone has been emailing me asking, "How did the weekend getaway to the cabin go?"

  I originally meant to write about my little vacation as soon as I arrived home Monday afternoon, but several things forced me to post pone it. Like my computer coming to life and having to get a new one, a crickets vs bearded dragon war, a desire for ketchup and  giving dating advice. Although, I would say the main reason I haven't written about this weekend is the same reason you don't look in the mirror and say Bloody Mary three times. I was concerned that by writing about certain things that occurred this weekend I might draw their attention, but after getting some blessings done by a local gypsy I am ready to go.

Welcome to Nowhere!

  The three hour drive to Willard for Kelly and I, was fairly uneventful. There was some interesting scenery, a few rest stop breaks and I stalked a JuJu Fruit truck. It wasn't till we were just about to arrive at the cabin that things started getting a little weird. We passed under a bridge and we came out the other side our Garmin GPS had gone blank. According to it, we were no where.

  I should point out that after this trip I have decided to add a lot more rules to my Rules for Not Dying list. My next trip I will post an updated list.

  The area was very peaceful and secluded. Our next nearest neighbor was like a quarter mile away. The literature the nuns gave us when we checked in claimed that the Center was a great place to do some painting or writing or to simply 'unplug' from the world for a bit. We were choosing the unplug part. Sort of. Kelly brought her computer to act as a radio and I left my phone on just in case. I would like to point out my phone was of little use since I didn't get a signal the entire weekend. Go Sprint.

  Our cabin was awesome. It was actually pretty big with a loft. The cabin had apparently been moved from an old Native American burial ground to the center. Once at the Center the nuns had electricity and plumbing installed. I thought we would have to bring a lot of things with us, but the cabin was pre-stocked with bath towels, blankets, dishes, pots and pans, soap, stove and microwave. I think Kelly and I spent about 10 minutes exploring the place. Like two kids running around on Easter trying to find all the hidden eggs. While checking out the sink and the shower, I accidentally knocked a glass cup of the counter. It broke on the ground. At first, I didn't think anything of it. That is until I read a typed note that was next to the cup. It said:

"This cup was made by the original nuns

who first came here in 1824. The cup

brings blessings to all who use it and

sorrow to those who disrespect it."

  Great, we were there for about 15 minutes and already I am cursed by nuns. Ah well, I figured I would buy the nuns a new one and that would make things all good. Then I looked down and saw that the rug on the floor had slid revealing something. I bent down and pulled the rug all the way back.  What I saw almost made me grab Kelly and my bags and head for the truck. There secret hatch. 

Secret Hatch to Hell?

  Kelly came and looked at it. She told me it was probably where they kept the water heater. I hypothesised that it was where the nuns buried the bodies. After about ten minutes of Kelly calling me chicken, I finally manned up and pulled the hatch up. We were both wrong. It was an empty space, but towards the back of it there looked to be an opening to a small tunnel.

  Okay, great way for the nuns to get us. I closed the hatch and calmly searched the cabin for the heaviest thing I could find. It was a sixty pound statue of a monk.  With a lot of effort I moved the statue on top of the hatch. George, as I came to call the statue, became the center piece of our bathroom.

Evil statue uses evil heat
vision on a butterfly. 

  By the time we unpacked and put everything away, it was to late to go get dinner provided by the nuns at the main building, so instead we looked on the map and found a town about thirty minutes away that had a family restaurant in it. Being the hungriest I ran out of the cabin, but came to a stop. There was another monk statue. This one was right in front of where we parked the truck. The thing is, it wasn't there before. And it didn't have the smile that George did. This one looked like he just had Maury tell him, "you are the baby's daddy".

  I asked Kelly if she remembered seeing the statue when we first pulled in. She couldn't remember, but she assumed it had to be there. It's not like it just appeared out of no where. Kelly realized she forgot her keys, and went back for them. I can't be sure what happened next, but I'm pretty sure the evil statue made a butterfly explode.

  A lot of crazy stuff was going on, but so far none of it went against my rules. Although as I said before, I have since added to my rules. Luckily, nothing else weird reared its head the rest of the day, so we enjoyed a nice meal then came back and sat on our porch and talked. We both even got a good night sleep.

  Day two or round two. I suppose it depends on how you look at it. After, a good night sleep I had pretty much forgotten about all the previous days craziness. I was ready to do some hiking and exploring. Kelly had done a little research and knew of a town about twenty minutes away with some awesome hiking trails.

  The trails were well maintained and went on for some distance. I think the shortest one was about 1.5 miles. The best part was, there was no sign of houses, businesses, and on that day no other people. We pretty much had the trails to ourselves. Or so we thought.

Bigfoot like creature vanished into
this tree line.

  When we were hiking the trail took us near the bank of a river. It was so beautiful we stopped and took a little Powerbar break. On the opposite bank I swear I something that looked like a giant ape. It was hard to tell but I knew it wasn't a bear or a human. It stood about 7 feet tall and walked like a human and had long arms dangling at its side, but it appeared to be covered in hair. The eyes though. I saw the eyes and they were definitely human. I tried to take a picture but by the time I pointed the camera it was gone. I didn't bother mentioning it to Kelly. She was already having doubts about my sanity due to the previous day observations. With my mouth shut, we continued on.

  On the hike I was pretty sure I saw a leprechaun and maybe a U.F.O, but I kept silent about it all. And as with Bigfoot, I just wasn't fast enough with the camera.

  We hiked for about fours hours then hit the town for another meal. As with the last, the food was perfect and the serving sizes were huge. I suppose ordering a chili cheese dog for the ride home was a bit of overkill, but I have a rule that states: Whenever you run across a A&W, you stop. Full or not. Kelly made the more sensible choice of getting some ice cream.

  Back at the cabin, we once again decided to just relax on our porch. Kelly was finally getting some writing in and I was delving into the book I have been trying to finish for the last three months. At one point I looked up and  was a little disturbed when I noticed the evil monk statue was gone, but I decided it was better to keep my mouth shut about the crazy things I see. I figure either I'm super sensitive to supernatural stuff or going insane. Either way, I'd rather Kelly not look at me like I've been sipping from the crazy juice. And that is the main reason, I didn't mention the Deer of the Damned.

Deer of the Damned!

  I saw a deer grazing among the trees about ten feet in front of our cabin. "Awww, aren't you a cute little deer. Do you want a chili cheese dog?" Kelly gave me a smile then went back to her writing

I swear that as soon as she put her eyes down, the deer glared at me with eyes as red as blood.

  With a deep sigh, I went back to my book, but this time I focused on every single word. Blocking the Deer of the Damned from my mind.

We stayed on the porch for a little while longer, but when the bugs came out, Kelly was ready to go in. And even though I couldn't see the deer anymore I knew it was out there and hungry for human flesh. As we went in, I saw a nun walking down the road. I waved but I don't think she saw me.

  The next couple of hours passed pretty quickly thanks to some friendly games of Uno. We quit after about five games, because our check out time was 10:00 am and we still had to repack our stuff. Once in bed, I turned off the lights. What was odd was that the night before when I turned off the lights there was still a lot of light coming from the moon. Tonight however, the cabin seemed to be filled with pure darkness. I couldn't see my hand when it was right in front of my face. For a while I tried to deal with how dark it was, but with everything that had already happened, there was no way I would get any sleep. As I reached for the lamp next to me, I noticed two glowing white circles in the window. Not just circles, they were eyes. A gasp escaped from me and I turned on the lamp. It was a face. The face of the nun who checked us in. Her eyes were glowing and she was showing fangs that dripped with saliva. I checked the other windows. There were Cannibalistic Demon Nuns at all of them. They reached for the windows but as soon as their hands made contact, they began to smoke and burn.

  I had placed protection charms on all the windows and on the hatch that George guarded in the bathroom. Which turned out to be a good idea because I could hear pounding from beneath it. Through all of the commotion Kelly continued to sleep. I think the snoring helped to cover the nuns pounding and chanting.

  Needless to say I did not sleep at all that night. The Cannibalistic Demon Nuns finally gave up when the sun started to rise. I guess they can only show their true form in the night. By the time Kelly woke up I had finished packing everything and was ready to leave. With a final good bye to George, we left.   

  The ride home was fairly uneventful. I would go into detail about all the places we stopped at on the way home, but I just received a call from Kelly. It seems the doctors were able to finally get the watermelon off her head. Time to go be a good boyfriend. Till next time.

8 Things Not To Do Before The First Date

  Now that Memorial Day has come and gone, I found out my second job isn't running as many die casting machines. For a lot of people this sadly meant layoffs. Luckily, all it meant for me was having to work on a new machine with a guy I had never worked with before.
  This guy, Johnny, was telling how his friend had set him up with this girl. I guess they have talked on the phone a few times, but they have yet to meet. And judging by the way he has been trying to impress her, I don't think they ever will.

  The tricks and techniques Johnny was using almost made me sad to be a man. Now, I'm not trying to act all high and mighty. In my life time I am sure I used one or two of his techniques. Just not all of them at the same time. Or within the last 15 years.

  As a service to other guys out there, who have just met that girl they are interested in and are still in the getting to know each other on the phone and through emails stage or are getting ready for that all important first date, I came up with a couple important things not to do. I can't promise that by following these rules you will end up with the girl of your dreams, but I can promise she won't be calling you a douche to her friends anytime soon.


Ted is 25 years old and
plays rugby

Rule 1: Don't use a fake photo. I know you think that over time she is going to fall so in love with your personality that it won't matter what you look like. You are so wrong. She hasn't been telling her friends she is going on a date with a bald guy who has out of control acne and has more hair on his back than a werewolf. She has been telling them that she going out with a guy who looks an awful lot like David Beckham.

Rule 2: Don't lie about what you like to do. I know you want to impress that special adventurous lady by telling her you like to sky dive on fire while doing origami. Just remember, eventually she is going to surprise you with a weekend getaway where you will sky dive on fire while sword fighting. Sure saying you like long walks doesn't sound very bad ass, but at least you won't be hurdling through the air on fire with a pointy object.

Rule 3: Don't  let all your weird out at one time. What I mean is, if you collect and display Strawberry Shortcake figurines or have a closet with 10,000 comic books in it, you probably don't want her finding about all of that at one time. Instead say you are into collectibles or you have just a few comics laying around. Releasing too much of your weird at one time will either just flat out scare her away or make her worry about being buried in your basement.

Rule 4:  Don't send her pictures of your penis.  Seriously, I don't know why guys do this. Especially if you haven't even had a first date. I mean I'm a guy and I still don't get it. Do they think you are going to see the picture of their penis and be like, "Oh my God! I can't wait. I've gotta get me some of that." A lot of guys believe that if they send you a picture of their "Mister Happy" then out of fairness you will send them pictures of your naughty places.

Rule 5: Don't be that guy. You know what I mean. Girls say it all the time. Just don't be that guy.

Rule 6: Don't tell her how beautiful you think your kids would look. If you want to send her running before you even make your first date, go a head and tell her that. Then ask all your friends if what you asked her was creepy. But just in case you have the type of friends who tell you everything you do is cool, let me just say that yes, it is creepy.

Rule 7: Don't tell her that when you eat the candy, Dots, you get really turned on. I think that one pretty much speaks for itself. I would maybe hold this little bit of information until you have been out on at least a few dates.

And finally...Rule 8: Don't offer to take her out to dinner if you can only spend $8.00. Your first dinner together should be something nice and while a $100 dinner at a nice restaurant may be slightly out of your range, you should be able to swing something out Chili's or Outback Steak House. Not the McDonald's or Taco Bell value menu. After that first dinner though, the value menu becomes a viable option.

  Well, I hope these help a little bit. If not (Begin legal notice now: The author of this blog assumes no responsibility for you not being able to get a date. Most likely you did not follow these rules closely or you are just a complete douche. Sorry) then I wish you luck.

GIVE ME SOME FREAKING KETCHUP!!!

  I will try to make this quick. I don't want to sound all whiny and complainy, but this has been building for a while and I just need to get it off of my chest.

  When did fast food places stop just automatically giving you ketchup when you order french fries? I remember a time when you would go through the drive thru and you didn't even have to ask for ketchup. When you went home or back to work and opened your bag, inside was always a couple packs of ketchup. You never had to ask.

  I'm not sure if they stopped doing it because of financial reasons or because putting two packs of ketchup in each take out bag added an extra 4.3 seconds to the time it took to get the order together and that was just unacceptable by headquarters standards.

  You know I probably wouldn't be so frustrated by them not just giving me ketchup if they would at least do it when I asked them for it. Has that ever happened to you. You go through the Wendy's drive thru, place your order and when they ask if that is all you add, "Can I have some ketchup please?" Now here's they thing. They tell you yes, so when you get your bag you just assume its there. Well, let me tell you something. When you assume, you end up searching your fridge for anything that fries might taste good dipped in. Tonight i ended up using mustard. That's right. On this slightly rainy evening, I fell victim to drive thru laziness. Oh the horror. THE HORROR!

  If any of the fast food big wigs are reading this, please just toss a pack of ketchup in my bag. It won't break you and I will greatly appreciate it. 

  Let me leave you with these words of wisdom. I believe it was Plato who said, "Do not be a f--k up. Give me some ketchup."