Aliens Are Superficial. Go Figure

  Being an avid believer in aliens, monsters and everything paranormal, I tend to be dialed in on all the latest rumors and gossip. The latest bit of gossip I heard had me so stunned that I actually jumped in my car and drove all the way to West Bend, Indiana to conduct my own investigation.

  The case I following up on involved a U.F.O. abductee. For decades aliens have been accused of preforming horrible acts like cow mutilations, anal-probing, tampering with human DNA and several other things. The one thing they have never been accused of is discrimination. Until now that is.

  For those of you who don't follow this stuff quite as closely as I do, which I am assuming is like 93% of the population, let me fill you in on the details of what happened.

   On Sat., April 3, Eugene Eckerman was once again returning early and unsuccessful from speed dating at his church. Like any shrewd businessman, Eugene was running over the evening in his head trying to figure out how it had gone so bad, so fast.

  He knew it wasn't his clothes because his mom had personally laid them out for him. It couldn't be his car. That was a neon purple convertible station wagon. He wore Drakkar Noir and he knew for a fact women loved the smell of it. In high school that was what all the girls talked about. His hair was...maybe it was his hair. Eugene had once heard how all the guys in Hollywood were frosting their tips. He kept his hair pretty short, but he was confident he could pull it off. Just as Eugene picked up his cell phone to call his hair stylist, something emitting a bright light zoomed over his car and quickly out of sight.

  Before he could express one of the thirty expletives that was racing through his head, his car suddenly sputtered then lost power.

  Eugene let out a loud sigh and groan, then switched from trying to call his hair stylist to finding a tow truck. It was then he noticed the light was back, much lower this time and so bright he could barely see passed his windshield. So, he closed his eyes. That was the last thing Eugene remembered doing before he woke up inside the U.F.O.

  As he awoke, Eugene could hear some voices. The voices weren't in English or any human dialect that he recognized, but one thing did stand out. He swore he could hear laughter. It took sometime, but his eyes finally were able to focus.  When he tried to rub them, nothing happened. His arms weren't moving. Eugene struggled and thrashed as best he could, but to no avail. His arms weren't the only things that were secured. He also couldn't move his waist or legs.

  Lifting his head as far as he could, Eugene struggled to take in his surroundings. The room was very white. The type of white you would expect an ultra disinfected surgical room to be. Eugene thought the set designers from Star Trek must have designed the room. There were a few control panels and couple chairs. As Eugene's eyes  scanned the room, he passed over two figures in the corner. They were aliens.

  They pointed at him and giggled. Yes, he was sure they were giggling. Just as Eugene was about to say something, one of the aliens turned to what he assumed was a computer. As she moved her fingers over the buttons, a picture of David Beckham came into focus. The two aliens looked at the picture and said, "Jeenow". Eugene assumed that was alien for "Wow" or "Oh, he is so sexy and he knows it."

  Several times the aliens, who Eugene was guessing were females, pointed from him to the picture of David Beckham. Finally, they pointed one last time at Eugene, shook their heads and laughed. Yes, this was an out and out laugh.

  The alien who initially pulled up the picture of David Beckham went back to the computer and hit a few buttons. Eugene was so focused on what she was doing, that he never noticed a device with a long gun like barrel lowering down and pointing at the side of his head.

  Again it seems Eugene was a bit to slow vocalizing his favorite expletives, because just as he opened his mouth a bright circle of light formed at the end of the barrel. The light grew and grew till once again, he couldn't see anything and passed out.

  According to the clock in his car, where Eugene came to, only 15 minutes had passed. He would later come to find that he was missing for over 10 hours. as Eugene tried to make sense of what happened, he found a card attached to the front of his shirt. He half expected it to be in some alien language but was slightly relieved when he saw it was in English. The note read:

"You have been rejected due

to the fact you appear to be

facially compromised. Thank

you for your time.

- Alpha Sigma Alpha (Milky Way Chapter)

 

  After sharing the details of his return, Eugene falls silent. I try to make him feel better by telling him he wasn't the first person to be rejected for the alien breeding program. I guess knowing that Carrot Top was the last person to be rejected wasn't exactly reassuring to him. However, for all of us who are facially compromised we can take a breath and relax. However, when you suddenly realize that Robert Downey Jr. hasn't made a movie in six years, now you know why.

  Aliens might be superficial, but they aren't stupid.

 

8 Things Not To Do Before The First Date

  Now that Memorial Day has come and gone, I found out my second job isn't running as many die casting machines. For a lot of people this sadly meant layoffs. Luckily, all it meant for me was having to work on a new machine with a guy I had never worked with before.
  This guy, Johnny, was telling how his friend had set him up with this girl. I guess they have talked on the phone a few times, but they have yet to meet. And judging by the way he has been trying to impress her, I don't think they ever will.

  The tricks and techniques Johnny was using almost made me sad to be a man. Now, I'm not trying to act all high and mighty. In my life time I am sure I used one or two of his techniques. Just not all of them at the same time. Or within the last 15 years.

  As a service to other guys out there, who have just met that girl they are interested in and are still in the getting to know each other on the phone and through emails stage or are getting ready for that all important first date, I came up with a couple important things not to do. I can't promise that by following these rules you will end up with the girl of your dreams, but I can promise she won't be calling you a douche to her friends anytime soon.


Ted is 25 years old and
plays rugby

Rule 1: Don't use a fake photo. I know you think that over time she is going to fall so in love with your personality that it won't matter what you look like. You are so wrong. She hasn't been telling her friends she is going on a date with a bald guy who has out of control acne and has more hair on his back than a werewolf. She has been telling them that she going out with a guy who looks an awful lot like David Beckham.

Rule 2: Don't lie about what you like to do. I know you want to impress that special adventurous lady by telling her you like to sky dive on fire while doing origami. Just remember, eventually she is going to surprise you with a weekend getaway where you will sky dive on fire while sword fighting. Sure saying you like long walks doesn't sound very bad ass, but at least you won't be hurdling through the air on fire with a pointy object.

Rule 3: Don't  let all your weird out at one time. What I mean is, if you collect and display Strawberry Shortcake figurines or have a closet with 10,000 comic books in it, you probably don't want her finding about all of that at one time. Instead say you are into collectibles or you have just a few comics laying around. Releasing too much of your weird at one time will either just flat out scare her away or make her worry about being buried in your basement.

Rule 4:  Don't send her pictures of your penis.  Seriously, I don't know why guys do this. Especially if you haven't even had a first date. I mean I'm a guy and I still don't get it. Do they think you are going to see the picture of their penis and be like, "Oh my God! I can't wait. I've gotta get me some of that." A lot of guys believe that if they send you a picture of their "Mister Happy" then out of fairness you will send them pictures of your naughty places.

Rule 5: Don't be that guy. You know what I mean. Girls say it all the time. Just don't be that guy.

Rule 6: Don't tell her how beautiful you think your kids would look. If you want to send her running before you even make your first date, go a head and tell her that. Then ask all your friends if what you asked her was creepy. But just in case you have the type of friends who tell you everything you do is cool, let me just say that yes, it is creepy.

Rule 7: Don't tell her that when you eat the candy, Dots, you get really turned on. I think that one pretty much speaks for itself. I would maybe hold this little bit of information until you have been out on at least a few dates.

And finally...Rule 8: Don't offer to take her out to dinner if you can only spend $8.00. Your first dinner together should be something nice and while a $100 dinner at a nice restaurant may be slightly out of your range, you should be able to swing something out Chili's or Outback Steak House. Not the McDonald's or Taco Bell value menu. After that first dinner though, the value menu becomes a viable option.

  Well, I hope these help a little bit. If not (Begin legal notice now: The author of this blog assumes no responsibility for you not being able to get a date. Most likely you did not follow these rules closely or you are just a complete douche. Sorry) then I wish you luck.