Deep Thoughts at 4 am

Could you train a monkey to be a cookie stealing ninja? That would be so cool. He would have on the black ninja uniform and have a little ninja sword.  Like a shadow he could slip into places like McDonald's or bakeries and take all their cookies. He should probably have his own theme music too. Something actiony and catchy.

That would be cool.

Can't Ketchup

  Here is a quick one for you tonight folks. Sometimes I like to offer up a little advice so you, my loyal readers, don't make the same mistakes I do. Here is tonight's lesson.

  I was going to my girlfriend's house after work and it was really late. After the day I had just had, I didn't feel like cooking anything but I still wanted something that could warm my belly. So, I stopped at McDonald's and got a small fry. Luckily, this wasn't one of those McDonald's that was open all night, but only served like 5 things. You could get whatever you wanted off the menu.

  So, after getting my fries I quickly drove to my girlfriend's house. I was probably doing like 15 mph over the speed limit, but my reason for speeding was valid. Who wants to eat cold french fries? Not, I said this guy.

  In record time, I was at the table about to eat when I realized I hadn't grabbed any ketchup. Fries need ketchup like Taylor Swift needs ex-boyfriends to write songs about. This would be the first time I used her ketchup and honestly, I had no idea where she kept. I scanned the fridge about four times before my eyes caught the glimpse of the word, Heinz. Bingo.

  Heinz 57. You can't do much better than that when it comes to ketchup. Oh, and she is super classy. she didn't have one of those plastic bottles. She had the glass bottle.

  Now armed with ketchup, I went back to my seat and shook out a little bit. Like I said, it wasn't my ketchup so I wasn't just going to shake it all on to my plate.

  I ate everything then was starting to put away the ketchup and my pop when my girlfriend came downstairs and asked what I was up to.

  "Just putting away your ketchup," I said.

  She looked at me kind of weird for about a moment then said, "Um.... that's not my ketchup."

  What did she mean it wasn't... I looked at the label on the bottle. It said, Heinz...ha..oh, wait. There was no 57 after the Heinz. Instead what followed the Heinz was the word Original Cocktail.

  Yep, not ketchup.

  So, what did I learn tonight? One. If you aren't familiar with your girlfriend's refrigerator, ask the guy in the drive thru for ketchup. Two. Cocktail sauce doesn't taste all that bad on french fries.

8 Things Not To Do Before The First Date

  Now that Memorial Day has come and gone, I found out my second job isn't running as many die casting machines. For a lot of people this sadly meant layoffs. Luckily, all it meant for me was having to work on a new machine with a guy I had never worked with before.
  This guy, Johnny, was telling how his friend had set him up with this girl. I guess they have talked on the phone a few times, but they have yet to meet. And judging by the way he has been trying to impress her, I don't think they ever will.

  The tricks and techniques Johnny was using almost made me sad to be a man. Now, I'm not trying to act all high and mighty. In my life time I am sure I used one or two of his techniques. Just not all of them at the same time. Or within the last 15 years.

  As a service to other guys out there, who have just met that girl they are interested in and are still in the getting to know each other on the phone and through emails stage or are getting ready for that all important first date, I came up with a couple important things not to do. I can't promise that by following these rules you will end up with the girl of your dreams, but I can promise she won't be calling you a douche to her friends anytime soon.


Ted is 25 years old and
plays rugby

Rule 1: Don't use a fake photo. I know you think that over time she is going to fall so in love with your personality that it won't matter what you look like. You are so wrong. She hasn't been telling her friends she is going on a date with a bald guy who has out of control acne and has more hair on his back than a werewolf. She has been telling them that she going out with a guy who looks an awful lot like David Beckham.

Rule 2: Don't lie about what you like to do. I know you want to impress that special adventurous lady by telling her you like to sky dive on fire while doing origami. Just remember, eventually she is going to surprise you with a weekend getaway where you will sky dive on fire while sword fighting. Sure saying you like long walks doesn't sound very bad ass, but at least you won't be hurdling through the air on fire with a pointy object.

Rule 3: Don't  let all your weird out at one time. What I mean is, if you collect and display Strawberry Shortcake figurines or have a closet with 10,000 comic books in it, you probably don't want her finding about all of that at one time. Instead say you are into collectibles or you have just a few comics laying around. Releasing too much of your weird at one time will either just flat out scare her away or make her worry about being buried in your basement.

Rule 4:  Don't send her pictures of your penis.  Seriously, I don't know why guys do this. Especially if you haven't even had a first date. I mean I'm a guy and I still don't get it. Do they think you are going to see the picture of their penis and be like, "Oh my God! I can't wait. I've gotta get me some of that." A lot of guys believe that if they send you a picture of their "Mister Happy" then out of fairness you will send them pictures of your naughty places.

Rule 5: Don't be that guy. You know what I mean. Girls say it all the time. Just don't be that guy.

Rule 6: Don't tell her how beautiful you think your kids would look. If you want to send her running before you even make your first date, go a head and tell her that. Then ask all your friends if what you asked her was creepy. But just in case you have the type of friends who tell you everything you do is cool, let me just say that yes, it is creepy.

Rule 7: Don't tell her that when you eat the candy, Dots, you get really turned on. I think that one pretty much speaks for itself. I would maybe hold this little bit of information until you have been out on at least a few dates.

And finally...Rule 8: Don't offer to take her out to dinner if you can only spend $8.00. Your first dinner together should be something nice and while a $100 dinner at a nice restaurant may be slightly out of your range, you should be able to swing something out Chili's or Outback Steak House. Not the McDonald's or Taco Bell value menu. After that first dinner though, the value menu becomes a viable option.

  Well, I hope these help a little bit. If not (Begin legal notice now: The author of this blog assumes no responsibility for you not being able to get a date. Most likely you did not follow these rules closely or you are just a complete douche. Sorry) then I wish you luck.