Things You SHOULD Say In An Elevator

  Yesterday a friend and I were stuck in an elevator with a lot of businessy people. All suits and no smiles. We were at the back of the elevator with two rows of people in front of us. I kind of felt like I was in the 'cheap seats' at some concert.
  Being crammed in an elevator is one of my least favorite things, and not just because I'm a little claustrophobic. It's such an uncomfortable situation. No one talks or even moves for that matter. They just stand there ignoring the people around them.

  As I stood behind these people I felt an urge to just scream or start a mosh pit. Something. Anything. When we finally escaped that little box of insane boredom I went right home and started thinking of some ways to make being in an elevator fun. And there is no better way to have fun then making the stuffy people you are trapt with a tad uneasy.

  What I came up with are a few random scripts to use when stuck in an elevator with one or more 'boredom spewing life sucking' people. These little exchanges of dialogue will hopefully make your unwanted travelling companion hit the next floor button as soon as possible.

  I plan on using a couple of these later today. Hopefully, I can convince my friend from yesterday to ride up and down the elevator a few times with me at some random office building so we can try some of these out. I'll let you know how it goes.

Script One
Person 1:  Oh man, that Taco Bell we had last night is totally hitting me.
Person 2:  (Wave your hand side to side a few times) Wow, that really stinks

Script Two
Person 1:  Look at that guy. He would make a great sacrifice for our Summer Satanic Ritual.
Person 2:  I wonder if he would bring ice cream.
Person 1:  I'm going to ask him.

Script Three
Person 1:  (Hold up brown bag) I just got that bath salt everyone is talking about
Person 2:  Isn't that the stuff that will make you go all zombie and eat people?
Person 1:  Yeah, but that wouldn't happen to me. Watch. (Open bag, stick finger in then put finger up to nose and inhale really hard.) See nothing hap....Oh, I don't feel so good. Suddenly, I am so hungry.

Script Four
Person 1:  So my roommate was all being all crabby this morning.
Person 2:  What about this time?
Person 1:  He says I tried to strangle him in his sleep again.

Script Five
Person 1:  So, I am going to go to the doctor for that pinched nerve.
Person 2:  Pretty sore, huh?
Person 1:  Yeah, sore. My stomach is hurts. It's hard to see out my left eye or hear things. I have all these white sores filled with pus and i think my back is turning green
Person 2:  You might have two things wrong.

Script Six
Person 1:  Do you think it's okay to go to the bathroom in an elevator?
Person 2:  Why not. I did it in this very elevator yesterday. (point to where someone is standing.) Right over there actually.
Person 1:  Nice

Script Seven
Person 1:  So, you know how you have been thinking that your girlfriend has been cheating on you.
Person 2:  I don't think she is. I KNOW she is! And if I ever catch the guy, God help him because I have no idea what I would do to him.
Person 1:  Really, no idea. I mean, you must have a few right. What would you do?
Person 2:  I really don't know. (pause) Why are you asking any way?
Person 1:  (sigh and sound nervous when talking and fidget with your collar) um... well... you see...oh boy... okay, here it is. I am the one who has been... you know... with your girlfriend.

Script Eight
Person 1:  Oh guess what. I'm pretty sure I'm a werewolf.
Person 2:  Why do you think that?
Person 1:  Well, do you know of anything else that would cause me to keep waking up completely naked in the forest?

Script Nine
Person 1:  Did you hear that?
Person 2:  Yeah, sounded like something snapped.
Person 1:  Not good. You know last week another elevator this same building broke free and crashed.
Person 2:  That sucks. Hey, let's jump up and down really hard a few times to see if it's broke.
Person 1:  Okay

Script Ten
Person 1:  Have you ever 'made out' with anyone in an elevator before?
Person 2:  Um... Nope, I don't think I have.
Person 1:  You wanna? I mean, no one will know but this guy and I'm sure he won't tell.
Person 2:  Okay. Should we ask him to join.
Person 1:  If you want.

Never Change Another Diaper Again

  My die casting job keeps me pretty busy. The problem is everything I do is fairly repetitive. Which means while I may be running all over the place, my mind is kind of just floating in limbo. This state of mind can sometimes lead to amazingly deep and profound thoughts, and other times it leads to the invention below.

  I am totally excited to have kids some day. Everything about the idea appeals to me, except the changing of those sticky nugget filled diapers. I couldn't even pick up my own dog's mess with out gagging. Just the idea makes my stomach turn a little. So, this presents an interesting problem. How do I raise a child without ever having to change a diaper? Well, i believe the solution presented itself last night.

  This is a industrial pump used for sucking up water, oil, hydraulic fluid and the such. This is also one part of my new invention, The Diaper Purger 3000. The second half of this marvelous invention is a simple diaper with a flap in the back. How does it work you ask? A great question with a very simple explanation.

  When you have identified the offending diaper simply lift the flap on the diaper then attach The Diaper Purger 3000 hose. Flip the on button, and watch the nuggets and even liquids vanish. In seconds you are left with a dry and sparkling clean diaper. The best part is The Toilet Purger 3000 comes with a reverse switch, so you can pump out whatever you collected into an air tight barrel or spray it over your law as fertilizer or at the neighbor you have been feuding with. Oh, and did I mention it will only cost $300. In not having to buy new diapers alone it will save you roughly $20,000 a year.

  I hope to have these out in time for Christmas. Look for it at baby supply stores everywhere.

Behold The Power Of Gum

  I am always hearing people and commercial talking about the 'power of cheese', but they really never go into what those powers are. Can cheese fly? Does it have x-ray vision? Is it totally invulnerable, so you can't cut the cheese? I have no idea. Although today, I did find out the awesome power of gum. It can bring trucks to a complete stop and keep them from moving.

  No one ever told me gum has this power. Instead I had to find out on my own. I hate finding things out on my own. People like to call them lives little lessons or surprises. I prefer to see them as additional ways life can screw with me.

  I have to say about 60% of the things I do during the day involves or is motivated by food. Monday is $3.99 spaghetti and bread stick day at Hy-Vee. It's pretty good, it fills me up and the best part is it's cheap. So, it's normally that is where I go to eat.

  My favorite thing is to pick up the spaghetti and bread sticks and then to find some place quiet to just listen to some stand up comedy specials on my computer or cell phone. It's the relaxing calm in an otherwise hectic Monday. So yeah, I might have been whistling as I walked back to my truck. There's nothing wrong with it. Sure lots of people and dogs tend to cover their ears when I whistle, but that doesn't make it wrong. I set my food in my truck, started the engine and shifted into drive. Nothing. I pushed down a little harder on the gas pedal. Still nothing. I started to worry there was something wrong with my transmission. Annoyed, I jammed the pedal to the floor. I could hear my wheels spinning and smell the burnt rubber, but I remained in the same parking spot. Nothing.

  I know absolutely nothing about cars, but I still felt I should get out and take a look. After all, that's what guys do. Most of the time we have no idea what we are looking for or even at, but it must be some weird piece of junk DNA that makes us do it.

  After fulfilling my manly obligation I called a tow truck. All I saw was a piece of gum stuck to my tire and the pavement. I may be slow when it comes to how trucks work, but I knew a poorly piece of discarded Hubba Bubba gum wasn't going to hold my truck in place. That only works in cartoons.

  The tow truck driver finally showed up and took his turn walking around my car. As soon as he saw the tire with gum on it, he sighed and said that was it. I tried to ask him how gum could keep a truck from moving, but he was obviously focused on the gum. He went back to his truck and broke out this huge blow torch. He then proceeded to spend the next twenty minutes melting and chipping away at the gum.I couldn't believe what was going on. This had to be a bad joke, but as people walked by they would be like "Oh, that sucks" or "That happened to me last week."

  Confused, I watched as the tow truck driver packed up his gear and presented me with a bill for $200. I was like, "You removed some gum. Don't you think your bill is a little unfair?" He just shook shook his head slowly side to side like a disappointed father and said, "You have no idea what gum can do."

  Maybe not, but I also didn't have $200 on me. When i told him this, the guy looked like he might use that huge blow torch on me. Then I saw his eyes shift to my incredibly plate of spaghetti and bread stick. I knew at that moment a deal had been made. He took my food and said my bill was paid.

  As his truck pulled away, I sat there with no food and a half melted tire. Definitely, not the best start to the day. I guess I can try next Monday, but you better believe I will be keeping my eye open for rogue wads of chewing gum for now on.

 

A Lesson In Trust

  The English language has a lot of words for us to use when describing the act of putting your life in another person's hands. Most people would say the main word is 'trust'.  I would politely say to those people that they are completely and totally, "WRONG!" The word they are looking for is, "Dear God, please don't kill me." Fine, it's more than one word, but you get my point.

  Life is such a precious thing, and trusting another person with your continued survival is nothing short of crazy. I'm not saying it's a meaningless act or that you should never do it. It's just you may want to take a moment to really think about things when you are putting your life in the hands of a guy you affectionately named, Sir Clutsy.

  For example, today Kelly and I paid our first visit to Boulder's Climbing Gym to start my climbing training. Every good superhero has mad climbing skills and was defintiely not about to be the exception.

  Kelly seemed pretty calm and nonchalant about the whole thing. I, on the other hand, was so excited that my heart was pumping like I just power slammed 100 pixie sticks. At that moment, there was no doubt in my mind that I was going to take to those walls like I was the Amazing Spider-Man.

  It took about ten minutes for Kelly and I to get our gear and fill out the waivers that say if we plummet to our deaths, the gym won't be held responsible. Fair enough.

  Our instructer took us out to the floor, and ran us through how to use the ropes and how to secure ourselves by attaching the rope to our harnesses. I think this is called, belaying. I'm not a 100% sure, because I wasn't really listening. While the instructer was going over some very important life saving instructions, I was focused on the climbing wall with the theme to the Spider-Man playing in my head. Oh, I was ready.

  Kelly took her turn and was amazing. When it was my turn, I secured my harness then leapt on to the wall with a single bound. It felt like I jumped about 12 feet into the air and right on to the wall. I was later told my leap took me maybe 1/4 of an inch off the floor. Whatever. It still felt like 12 feet to me.

  Just as I imagined, I cleared ten feet of the wall pretty easy. It was after that that things became a little daunting. The hand holds and foot rests shrunk to the size of little tiny golf balls. Sure most people would have given up right there, but I couldn't. I felt the eyes of all the other people in the gym on me, and I knew what they were thinking. They were urging me not to give up and to succeed where so many had failed. As Spider-Man's protege, I couldn't let them down. So with renewed confidence upwards I went, and ten minutes later I rang the bell signifying I made it all the way to the tippy top of the wall. It was such an amazing feeling as that bell rang out and all the people below clapped and chanted, "Spi-der-Man! Spi-der-Man!".

  I was later told no one was clapping or chanting. In fact, I was told most people thought I was having a seizure because I was shaking so much. Obviously, those people were confused and were thinking of someone else they were watching. I stood at the top with nothing but two foot rests and my legs of steel supporting me.

  The clapping and chanting was nothing short of incredible, but I wasn't here to show off. Just to have some fun with my girlfriend, and yeah, get a little exercise too.

  I looked down and told Kelly I was ready to come down. She smiled and continued to look up at me. I figured she didn't hear me so this time when I told her I was ready to come down, I also pointed to the ground with my finger. With that incredible smile she just looked up at me and nodded. The thought suddenly hit me that I was at least 30 feet in the air, clinging to a wall and that I was about to trust my girlfriend not to drop me on my head.

  It also occurred to me that as I pointed down and told Kelly I was ready to descend, she didn't move or adjust anything. This didn't seem right. I knew she was supposed to release some lever that would enable me to gently return to the earth, but I didn't see her do it. Of course, she already had and was in total control of everything. She yelled up for me to put my feet against the wall and push out. I started to, but the rope didn't feel secure enough for me to do this. So, I pulled myself back against the wall and entered into a period where time seemed to repeat itself.

  I called down, "Are you sure you have it?" She returned with, "I've got it. Come down." This simple exchange repeated over and over for five minutes. It was at this point I realized I went from being the Amazing Spider-Man to the scared cat stuck in a tree.

  Sure, I trusted she wouldn't drop me. I even did a mental check to see if I had ticked her off at all in the last couple days. Although, if I had, there wasn't much I could do about it now. Apart from compliment her. Which I did. Alot!

  And even though I trusted her, I knew trust alone wasn't going to get me out from that wall. When your life is on the line, you have to be a little crazy. Crazy, because there are a million and one things that can go wrong that are completely beyond the control of the person you are trusting to save your life. The rope could have broken, a zombie could have suddenly ate her hand, the entire rock wall could have come unscrewed or a million other things. This is why I say crazy is a better word choice than trust. You have to be crazy to think your significant other or friend can save you from anything and everything that might happen, but you do. There is nothing logical about the fact that I know my girlfriend will safely get me down even if a zombie is trying to eat her hand, but I know she will. Sometimes it takes a little crazy to get us to do the more risker things in life.

 Which is why I finally took a deep breath, closed my eyes and pushed out from the wall. I'm not sure when it happened, but I when I reopened my eyes I was on my way back down. It may not have gone as smoothly as an angel gracefully descending to earth from the heavens, but it was pretty close. Once back on the ground, I made sure to give Kelly the biggest hug. I was so proud of my first climb and for her helping me to get back down safely. Besides, I still wasn't sure if I had done anything lately to make her mad... so best to be safe. After all, I was about to start up a new wall.

  I did a few more climbs, and then called it a day. I was having serious amounts of fun, but my hands and shoulders were starting to ache a little bit, and I didn't want to return to work on Monday unable to lift my arms. Besides, there would always be the next time and we still had the Dane County Fair to get to. The climbing part of my superhero training was finally on its way.

My Nerd Shame

  When I first started this blog, I have to admit that I never expected it to be as popular as it is. Nor did I expect it to provide such an incredible emotional release. Instead of letting all those little frustrations towards life and people build up inside of me, I now have a way to let all of it out. I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have this blog, I would probably end up in clock tower.

  I knew the time would come when I felt comfortable enough with you all to reveal my biggest secret, which also happens to be my biggest shame. It is already well known that I am a self-professed nerd. I love everything about my nerd culture. The comic books, the movies, the people, the sense of humor, the intellectual conversation all be it sometimes heavily skewed toward Star Wars at times and ... well, just everything. It's also a great time to be nerd. Not like in high school where I would sometimes end up face first in a toilet. FYI...janitor of Minooka High School, great job on keeping those toilets sparkling clean. They were always clean no matter what angle I was looking at them.

  Anyway, you would think in this day and age of acceptance my shame wouldn't be so shameful at all. I think the fact that the nerd culture is so accepted now is what makes my secret that much worse. But like I said, I think it is time for my secret to finally come out. I...um,uh....um...(takes a deep breath) I am unable to Spock's live long and prosper salute.

My shameful Spock Salute.

  It's true. I just have never been able to get my fingers to move right. I can get the two fingers on one side to cooperate with each other, but the other two act like a couple that just went through a horrible break up.

  Years have gone by with me practicing every night and still my shame persists. The reason I am finally coming forward and revealing my shame now is that on Monday I will be seeing a doctor about this. My hope is the that I have some kind of degenerative muscle problem in those two fingers and that's why I am unable to give a proper Spock Salute.

  I promise to keep you updated as to the status of my Spock Salute. Thank you for your support and for continuing to read this blog.

Extreme Heat Made You Do What???

  Most people normally behave in a nice and civilized manner. We say please and thank you. We hold doors open for people and offer to help whenever we can. Perfect examples of how mankind should behave to one another.
  However, add a few degrees to that and tempers start to shorten and our willingness to help one another decreases greatly. Now, add a lot of degrees and you have what I call extreme heat. Which to me is any temperature over 100 degrees. When the temperature gets this hot, all rules and about 90% of our humanity goes out the door. Everything becomes fair game.

  Now, by my calculations, we have been in extreme heat for about a month now. I have observed peoples moods and attitudes changing. It seems almost every day people slip a little farther toward their more primitive selves. Given that I have so much free time, I combined all the observations I made with the data on how extreme temperature affects people, and I came up with some interesting predictions. Here are just a couple of them.

-  Extreme heat can turn your normal, peaceful drive to work into something out of a Mad Max movie. It's like road rage on steroids.

-  Extreme heat can make you not want to touch or be touched by another living thing. I saw a lady freak out two days ago on a plant because it kept brushing up against her.

-  Extreme heat can make you crank your air conditioning so high, your home becomes a perfect habitat for penguins. Remember you just want to cool your place off a little bit. You're not trying to make it snow. I've tried and it doesn't work.

-  Extreme heat can make you not want to use your stove or oven on, so you just have bowls of  cereal for lunch and dinner. Currently, I have five different types of cereal in my apartment. Only one of them is good for me. The rest are nothing but sugar and colored marshmallows.

-  Extreme heat can make you want to walk around your house in nothing but your birthday suit. Just remember to close your curtains and blinds first.

-  Extreme heat can make you swim at places you normally wouldn't consider going to. You know, places like the public pool where people keep getting stabbed or the river with algae so thick it looks like it's covered with carpet.

-  Extreme heat can make you get drunk and attempt rain dances in your backyard with your friends. Make sure you invite all your neighbors because the one you don't invite is the one who will record and post the whole thing on the internet.

-  Extreme heat can make you accept snow cones and Gatorade from complete strangers without giving it a second thought. While they may look refreshing take an extra second to think about it. For instance, if your snow cone or Gatorade is yellow, then maybe you should just throw it away.

-  Extreme heat can make you eat your friends face off. What? It's as plausible a reason as bath salt.

  I know there are a lot of other things that can occur due to extreme heat, and the majority of them are way weirder than the things listed above. Until this weather passes I guess we just have to look out for each other, and do our best to keep our heads. Remember, if we really try we can be the best of.....Seriously, that guy just bumped into my table. Aww, hell no. (Grabs baseball bat) That's it for today my friends. I need to have a talk with that guy.

  HEY YOU.....

Call Me Maybe by the Star Wars Players

I saw this and thought it was funny as all heck. Who knew the people from all those Star Wars movies could sing.

My Art Fair On The Square 2012 Thoughts

  Weekends can be a little tough. Sometimes it is so hard to find something to do. Especially when the temperature is in the high 90s. Luckily, this weekend it was pretty easy to come up with something. Kelly and I decided to brave the heat and went to Art Fair on the Square.

  There were lots of cool booths displaying everything from paintings and blown glass to sculptures and rugs. I even bought my first piece of art.

  We only stayed for about two hours because of the heat. Seriously, I was glistening all over the place. However, while we were there, I couldn't help but notice a few things.

  1. Why did almost every adult I see have a cup of beer in their hands? Is the idea that if people get drink enough they will be more likely to buy art? I mean, it's an outdoor art fair, not tailgating before a Green Bay Packers game. Plus, doesn't walking around with cups of beer violate some kind of public intoxication or open container law? I guess as long as drunk guys are using horrible one liners to pick up statues of the female form, it's all good.

  2. While some of the booths always seemed to have people coming and going, other booths seemed emptier than a bottle of vodka at Chelsea Handler's house. I couldn't help wonder if the people at the more popular booths look at the empty ones and taunt them by yelling, "My art is better than your art. Na-na na-na boo-boo."

  3. Some of the places that sold these really awesome photographs that were matted and framed. They usually ran for around $150 to $800 depending on the size or type of frame. And for the most part that makes sense. What doesn't make sense is when you are selling a post card sized copies of the same photographs that aren't framed and aren't always matted for between $20 and $50.  In what cracked out universe does that make sense.

  4. Smoothies that cost $6. Really? Really!?! Really!!!. What the frak is that about. My one smoothie is going to cost more than a foot long corn dog and fries. Were these smoothies made with fruit collected from Mount Olympus. It's not like they even come in cups that would make you go, "Holy crap, this thing is ginormous." No. It's just a regular sized cup. Apparently, someone is taking pricing lessons from the movies theaters.

  And lastly...5. Why do some guys do that thing where  they sort of take their shirt off, but not really. You know, the guys who lift the fronts of their shirts up and over their head, so basically you see their chests and stuff, but they never really took their shirt off. It just looks like they have a piece of cloth going from one shoulder behind the neck to the other shoulder. And to clarify, this is fine if you look like you spend a few days in the gym. It's not fine if you look like you spend a few days a week swallowing basketballs whole. And for God's sake, don't strut down the road like you are working the runway at this years, Hottest Man Alive Competition. No! You stop that right now; pull your shirt back down and grab one of ten pound bags of carmel corn before you go any farther.

  These and a few other thoughts popped into my head as we made the rounds at the art fair. I can't say that in the seven hours away from the fair I've come up with any answers, but I do know I have till next year by this time to figure them out. After all, who knows what thoughts and questions I will have next year.

Friday The Bore-Teenth

  Friday the 13th is one of my favorite days of the year. It ranks right up  there with Halloween and Bruce Campbell movies. This time though, I just didn't feel like it delivered. I mean, I wasn't expecting to spend the day running from some monster in a hockey mask, but still. I was hoping for a little excitement. Instead, this is how my day went.

  I woke up and poured myself a huge bowl of Rice Krispie Treats Cereal. Anyone who has ever had a bowl of Rice Krispies knows there is never enough sugar on them. So, I opened the cabinet and started fishing around for my sugar bowl. Being the graceful person that I am, instead of grabbing the sugar, I knocked an open bag of salt on to the floor. Luckily, it was only half full. When I reached for a towel, I slipped on some of the salt and fell. When I fell my hands went up and swung wildly. Smack. I felt my hand slam hard into what I am assuming was a bottle of Pepsi. The Pepsi bottle flew across the room and smashed into a mirror.

  As the pieces clattered onto the floor, I was like Frak this.  That was just way to much stuff to pick up. I would do the guy thing and just get  it later. I snagged my backpack and headed out the door. The hallway to my apartment reeked. At first I couldn't tell what it was, but then I saw the ladder and the painter. Whatever, I was late for work. I lightly jogged down the hallway, ducked under the ladder and ran down the stairs. Outside I stopped for a moment to adjust my backpack when a cute little black cat ran by me. I think it was chasing a butterfly. It ran in front of me about four times. Cute thing. As I looked at the cat, I noticed the sidewalk looked like a cracked egg. Hopefully, the renting company fixes that soon. I probably stepped on every crack on the way to my truck.

  The rest of the day was pretty much the same. I think the most exciting thing that happened was after I broke my sixth mirror, I swallowed a bee. Not sure how it found its way into Target, but there you have it. A Friday the 13th that differed from no other day. I feel cheated. I feel slighted. I feel...the ground shaking??? Oh look, a mountain with fire and smoke shooting out of it just appeared in downtown Madison. I wonder what that will do.

'Pop', Number One Reason Relationships End

  Recently, I have discovered how delicate relationships can be.  A number of my friends who I thought were in happy relationships have either hit rocky spots or sadly ended their time together.

  I suppose looking back I could see why a few of them ended. Telling your girlfriend, after seeing Magic Mike, you need to break up so you can pursue your life long dream of becoming a male exotic dancer or your boyfriend  you are done after falling into the toilet during the night for the sixth time because he keeps leaving the seat up, are pretty obvious signs.

  Some signs, however, are not so obvious. Do you want to guess what the number one reason for break ups is? (Pausing so you can make a few guesses. Go ahead. I’ll wait.) Well, a lot of you guessed the number one reason is issues stemming from not having enough money. Wrong! That was the cause the last few years, but the past is the past people. This new reason may be shocking to some and other maybe like, “Oh, hell yeah. That is so true”. According to several current polls and surveys, the new number one in destroying relationships is whether soft drinks are to be known as ‘soda’ or ‘pop’.

  I know it doesn’t sound like something that could cause a break up, but picture this. You and your new girlfriend have been out a few times to some of the best five star restaurants in town and things are going great. Which is a total relief, because your last girlfriend used to scream the words to random Frank Sinatra songs at restaurants then bang her head on the table five times then in an English accent say, “pickles” softly as she stood up to leave.  After leaving a late night showing of The Amazing Spiderman, you decide to stop at McDonald’s and get something to eat. You both walk up to the counter, arms around each other, leaning against each other, laughing and kissing every three seconds. Yep, you are the couple everyone looks at and thinks, gross…get a room, but who cares, right. You are in love and nothing is ever going to change that. At the counter you place your order, and the cashier asks what you want to drink with that. You say a Pepsi, and then you ask her what kind of pop she wants. Her eyes grow as wide as saucers and glaze over with disbelief as if you just went up and pimp slapped her mom. She stares at you for a minute then softly tells you the soda she wants is Dr. Pepper. And it’s on! The sickening cute and cuddly couple is gone. All that remains is one person screaming “POP!” and swinging a chair while the other person screams “SODA!” and breaks the end of a beer bottle on the counter.

  According to the Cruise-Holmes Survey, over 50 relationships come to a possible pre-mature end every month as a result of soda vs. pop. The survey also points out that 8 deaths a year can be attributed to the aforementioned same reason.

  What’s odd is that way back around 1809, soda and pop had a special relationship of their own. They were such a hot couple that just as we have Bradgelina or Bennifer, back then they were known as soda pop. You couldn’t read a newspaper or  listen to the radio without some mention of soda pop. Unfortunately, like all famous couples they soon couldn’t stand the sight of one another. Some attribute the break up to the pressures of stardom . Others say soda was messing around with water on the side and pop found out about it. And a small minority thinks it’s because pop “dutch-ovened” soda. Whatever the reason, the two have not been mentioned in the same sentence since.

  I have heard people ask if it is possible for their relationships to survive such a trial. Truthfully, I just don’t know. I hope so, because this beast has reared its head recently in my relationship. Am I afraid? Of course, but I think with lots of empathy, compassion and love, this problem can be overcome. And if that doesn’t work, I suggest dealing with each other Highlander The Movie style.

  The only real solution I think is to somehow get soda and pop back together again. Only once they are re-united can the rest of the world begin to heal. Amen.

Who Says The Police Don't Like To Help

   

If I'm Behind You In The Check Out Line, I Probably Hate You

  Okay, I admit it. I am not the biggest fan of shopping. When I go to a store, I like to get in and get out. Unless, of course, I am at Best Buy. I can spend forever in there.

  Now for the most part when I go shopping I either already know what I am looking for or at least have a pretty good idea of what I want. Given this fact, I convince myself that I can be in and out of any store in less that ten minutes. Once, again Best Buy excluded. What I seem to always fail to consider is there is one area in the store I have no control over. And it is this one area that can take a happy three minute trip and warp it into a frustrating hour long endurance fest. I am speaking (all-be-it in whispers) of the dreaded check out line.

  The check out line can test the most patient of men, and being that I am nowhere near a patient man, eventually I begin to hate every person in front of me. Oh, and I have experienced everything listed below. The following are in no particular order or arranged by which I find more annoying. It's all pretty much the same to me and makes me want to yell, "You suck!". Here we go.

1.  You suck if you are that person who can't seem to pull him or herself away from their cell phone while the cashier is talking. What makes it worse is if you tell the cashier to 'give you a minute'.

2.  You suck if you are that person who digs in their pockets or purse for 20 minutes trying to find your bank card, all the while muttering, "I know it is here. I just had it".  What makes it worse is if you add slapping your pockets. Like doing that will magically summon it to the pocket you are slapping. You aren't Houdini. Calm the frak down.

3.  You suck if you are the person who's total comes to $10.01, and you spend 20 minutes shifting through your purse for that one penny. What makes it worse is if the cashier offers to take that penny from the penny dish, and you refuse out of pride.

4.  You suck if you are the person who's shopping cart is overflowing and you still push your way in front of me, even though I have one item. What makes it worse is if that one item is ice cream.

5.  You suck if you are in front of me talking none stop on your cell phone about your weekend trips and activities. What makes it worse is if I am about 99% sure there is no one else on the other end and you are just making crap up.

6.  You suck if you are the person who forgot to grab milk and then makes everyone wait while you run all the way across the store to get it. What makes it worse is if you send your kid.

7.  You suck if you are the person who gets so wrapped up in the tabloids coverage of the Kardashians that when the line moves forward, you don't. What makes it worse is if you start talking to me about those same stories. No! That's a bad human.

8.  You suck if you are the person who balances their checkbook at the check out after making a purchase. What makes it worse is if you ask the cashier for a calculator.

9.  You suck if you are the person who has 13 items and goes into the 12 items or less line and tries to get the cashier to ring that 13th item up separate because you are having some moral dilemma. What makes it worse is if you actually argue with the cashier when he says 13 items is no big deal.

10.  You suck if you are the guy who after his purchase is complete, spends the next 10 minutes hitting on the cashier. What makes it worse is if you keep trying to find ways to get her to go to your "buddies awesome party" even after she politely turned you down 5 times already.

  It's because of situations like these that I try to use the self check out lines as much as possible. Not surprisingly, I have begun to find things to hate about those too. Go figure. I guess that means in about a month or two, I'll be writing about why I hate self check out lines. Seriously, does the volume on those things have to be so loud. Like people need to know how much my eggs are. Ahhh...and so it begins.