8 Things Not To Do Before The First Date

  Now that Memorial Day has come and gone, I found out my second job isn't running as many die casting machines. For a lot of people this sadly meant layoffs. Luckily, all it meant for me was having to work on a new machine with a guy I had never worked with before.
  This guy, Johnny, was telling how his friend had set him up with this girl. I guess they have talked on the phone a few times, but they have yet to meet. And judging by the way he has been trying to impress her, I don't think they ever will.

  The tricks and techniques Johnny was using almost made me sad to be a man. Now, I'm not trying to act all high and mighty. In my life time I am sure I used one or two of his techniques. Just not all of them at the same time. Or within the last 15 years.

  As a service to other guys out there, who have just met that girl they are interested in and are still in the getting to know each other on the phone and through emails stage or are getting ready for that all important first date, I came up with a couple important things not to do. I can't promise that by following these rules you will end up with the girl of your dreams, but I can promise she won't be calling you a douche to her friends anytime soon.


Ted is 25 years old and
plays rugby

Rule 1: Don't use a fake photo. I know you think that over time she is going to fall so in love with your personality that it won't matter what you look like. You are so wrong. She hasn't been telling her friends she is going on a date with a bald guy who has out of control acne and has more hair on his back than a werewolf. She has been telling them that she going out with a guy who looks an awful lot like David Beckham.

Rule 2: Don't lie about what you like to do. I know you want to impress that special adventurous lady by telling her you like to sky dive on fire while doing origami. Just remember, eventually she is going to surprise you with a weekend getaway where you will sky dive on fire while sword fighting. Sure saying you like long walks doesn't sound very bad ass, but at least you won't be hurdling through the air on fire with a pointy object.

Rule 3: Don't  let all your weird out at one time. What I mean is, if you collect and display Strawberry Shortcake figurines or have a closet with 10,000 comic books in it, you probably don't want her finding about all of that at one time. Instead say you are into collectibles or you have just a few comics laying around. Releasing too much of your weird at one time will either just flat out scare her away or make her worry about being buried in your basement.

Rule 4:  Don't send her pictures of your penis.  Seriously, I don't know why guys do this. Especially if you haven't even had a first date. I mean I'm a guy and I still don't get it. Do they think you are going to see the picture of their penis and be like, "Oh my God! I can't wait. I've gotta get me some of that." A lot of guys believe that if they send you a picture of their "Mister Happy" then out of fairness you will send them pictures of your naughty places.

Rule 5: Don't be that guy. You know what I mean. Girls say it all the time. Just don't be that guy.

Rule 6: Don't tell her how beautiful you think your kids would look. If you want to send her running before you even make your first date, go a head and tell her that. Then ask all your friends if what you asked her was creepy. But just in case you have the type of friends who tell you everything you do is cool, let me just say that yes, it is creepy.

Rule 7: Don't tell her that when you eat the candy, Dots, you get really turned on. I think that one pretty much speaks for itself. I would maybe hold this little bit of information until you have been out on at least a few dates.

And finally...Rule 8: Don't offer to take her out to dinner if you can only spend $8.00. Your first dinner together should be something nice and while a $100 dinner at a nice restaurant may be slightly out of your range, you should be able to swing something out Chili's or Outback Steak House. Not the McDonald's or Taco Bell value menu. After that first dinner though, the value menu becomes a viable option.

  Well, I hope these help a little bit. If not (Begin legal notice now: The author of this blog assumes no responsibility for you not being able to get a date. Most likely you did not follow these rules closely or you are just a complete douche. Sorry) then I wish you luck.

GIVE ME SOME FREAKING KETCHUP!!!

  I will try to make this quick. I don't want to sound all whiny and complainy, but this has been building for a while and I just need to get it off of my chest.

  When did fast food places stop just automatically giving you ketchup when you order french fries? I remember a time when you would go through the drive thru and you didn't even have to ask for ketchup. When you went home or back to work and opened your bag, inside was always a couple packs of ketchup. You never had to ask.

  I'm not sure if they stopped doing it because of financial reasons or because putting two packs of ketchup in each take out bag added an extra 4.3 seconds to the time it took to get the order together and that was just unacceptable by headquarters standards.

  You know I probably wouldn't be so frustrated by them not just giving me ketchup if they would at least do it when I asked them for it. Has that ever happened to you. You go through the Wendy's drive thru, place your order and when they ask if that is all you add, "Can I have some ketchup please?" Now here's they thing. They tell you yes, so when you get your bag you just assume its there. Well, let me tell you something. When you assume, you end up searching your fridge for anything that fries might taste good dipped in. Tonight i ended up using mustard. That's right. On this slightly rainy evening, I fell victim to drive thru laziness. Oh the horror. THE HORROR!

  If any of the fast food big wigs are reading this, please just toss a pack of ketchup in my bag. It won't break you and I will greatly appreciate it. 

  Let me leave you with these words of wisdom. I believe it was Plato who said, "Do not be a f--k up. Give me some ketchup."

 

The Battle Lines are Drawn

  I originally meant for this post to go up on Monday, but given the fact my computer had become self-aware and was confiscated  by some secret shadow organization, it had to wait.

  To be honest, this post would have been perfect for Memorial Day, because it reveals how they have drawn the battle lines. They have hidden themselves everywhere, and often attack when I'm sleeping.

  I've tried to reach a peaceful solution, I really did. They just kept coming and taking more and more territory.

  Finally, I was left with no other option, but to set aside my humanity and answer their declaration of war. Over the last few weeks I fought back with everything I had. I took the lives of at least a dozen of their soldiers, but still they continued their invasion. I've given this war everything I have, and while I refuse to give up and surrender, I find myself having to admit... they are winning. The crickets are taking over.

  Yep, you heard right. I said, crickets. What? You think just because they are crickets, it makes this war less meaningful. Let me tell you, crickets are vicious and care only about themselves. 

  I suppose the real question you are asking yourself is how did all these crickets end up in my apartment in the first place. It all began with a sand demon who wears his heart on his sleeve.

  In October I purchased a little bearded dragon. The idea was to decorate his cage in a dessert theme, so I thought an appropriate name would be Gaara. Loosely translated it means "demon who wears his heart on his sleeve."

  When I first bought Gaara, he only ate about 20 to 30 crickets a day. And those crickets were really small. I think they called them pin size. So every couple days i would buy about a hundred crickets. When they are small like that all you need is a little cricket cage and  you never have to worry about them  getting away. Sadly, Gaara continued to grow, and now he eats about 50 to 70 crickets a day. That amount of crickets would cost a lot of money if you were to buy them from a place like Petsmart. One weeks worth of crickets would cost you about $50. Not wanting to spend $200 a month in crickets, I went online and found a website that allows you to buy 2,000 of them for $12. A much better deal. Sure they are sold out of some government lab in Nevada, but at the time I figured who cares. I was saving money.

  For a while everything was still okay. I did have to buy a bigger cage but it seemed to be doing a good job of containing them. That was until one day I was feeding Gaara and eating a corn dog at the same time. I might have dropped a few bits of corn dog in the cricket cage. Like Piranha the crickets swarmed over the corn dog bits, devouring them in seconds.

Genetically advanced cricket hungers for human

  A few days later, I came home from work and saw the lid to the cricket cage open. I also noticed my crickets seemed to be bigger. Over the next few days I kept finding more and more crickets in my apartment and also noticed they were now about 7 inches long.

  This didn't seem right. So I did something no one would do in this day and age. I called the company and asked them why my crickets are getting close to being able to attack Tokyo. They told me some stuff about the crickets being part of an experimental breed, and that when they eat breaded meat it causes a rapid mutation. They offered no solution except to buy some bug spray. I tried that. The crickets came up to me, took the can out of my hands and sprayed me in the face with it. I even tried extreme cold, but all the crickets did was go skiing down all the furniture and ice skating in the bathroom sink.

  For weeks now our battle was raged. Neither side able to gain an advantage. That is until I realized why those mutant crickets were able to hold their own. Not only were they big but there was literally thousands of them. I know I only started with two thousand crickets, but in their mutated form, the crickets breed like nympho rabbits.

  The crickets had become too big for Gaara to eat, so whenever I had the chance, I would crush them up and then feed them to Gaara. As the weeks and war went on, I noticed Gaara was starting to grow bigger too. Instead of a normal sized bearded dragon, mine was about four to five feet long. So big in fact he could stand on his hind legs and look out a window. It took me a while to realize that whatever chemicals were present in the crickets that made them grow to ginormous sizes must have been absorbed by Gaara when he ate them. 

Gaara standing 4 Ft tall
and looking out the window

  Finally the sides were a little more even. I'm actually able to sleep at night since Gaara can patrol the apartment. The war has slightly shifted to our favor, but the crickets were still growing and getting braver. I can't say how this will end, but I will warn you to be careful when buying crickets online. Always make sure your crickets are from a non-governmental secret test facility, and never ever ever feed them corn dogs.
  Wish me luck.

Vacation Virus

  Trouble can come out of nowhere. You could be having the best day and all of the sudden...BAM...life hits you in the face with a shovel.
  Recently, I have been on one heck of a 'good day' streak. My luck has been so good that I forgot there was such a thing as bad luck. Big mistake.

  I now realize was bad luck was simply bidding its time until I let my guard down, Apparently, today was the day I let my guard down.

  My girlfriend, Kelly, and I were coming home from our well deserved weekend getaway. We had a nice relaxing time with a couple of unbelievable adventures mixed in. And like anyone on vacation, we took a lot of pictures. I mean we took something like 500 pictures.

  Alot of the pictures we took related to things I couldn't wait to blog about. Being the impatient type I figured I would transfer all the pictures from my cell phone to my computer as soon as we left our cabin. That way I could begin writing some new posts on the way home.
'
  As soon I began getting the transferring cord out of my backpack, Kelly, in a slightly panicked voice, called my attention to the road. I had been digging in my backpack for only about 30 seconds, but in that time the sky had become dark gray and was belching thunder. Also, a fog had crept up around the van. To be honest, it was the weirdest fog I had ever seen. It was a blue-ish yellow color with neon green sparks. Like it was alive with electricity. I told Kelly what I saw. She just asked, "Are you on crack?" After a few minutes I couldn't see the sparks anymore. So, I concluded that while I was not on crack, I definitely could have been seeing things.

  Smiling at the fact that I let my imagination get the best of me, I finished hooking my phone up to my laptop and prepared to begin transferring all those photos. Once everything was connected I began the transfer and that is when things got weird. I don't mean weird like walking in on your grandma in the shower. I'm talking weird like seeing Bigfoot shopping at the local Pick 'N Save in an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini.

  The fog had now completely encompassed the van on all sides.  Kelly was struggling to keep us on the road, and given the fact I couldn't see any farther than my window, she was doing a dang good job. It also explains why she would later claim to not have seen what was going on with the computer and cell phone.

  Both the keys and screens were glowing green and releasing little sparks. The green sparks had also reappeared outside the van. Weird letters and numbers began scrolling down the screens. It looked like a programming code but one I have never seen before. I tried to pull the transferring cord out, but couldn't. All I succeeded in doing is getting one heck of a shot.  It definitely made my hair stand on end. What's left of it anyway.

  "We're clear," Kelly announced relieved.

  I looked up from the computer to see the fog had completely vanished, and the sky was once again clear. Even in the rear view mirror there was no sign of the weird fog. Sweet. No more bad weather should hopefully mean my computer and cell phone should work. At least, you would think so. It didn't.

  Instead, error messages instantly began popping up on both screens. It took about nine failed attempts at transferring the pictures for my temper to reach  a boiling point. Seeing my frustration, Kelly told me to turn of the computer and take a break, maybe play some Words with Friends. Besides if the computer and cell phone had failed one more time, they were both going out the window.

  The next hour passed quickly. I played D.J. with Kelly's iPod. I did such a good job she even stopped to get ice cream cones. The ice cream was so good that I begged her to stop several more times on the way to my apartment to get more. About five ice cream cones later, my sore stomach and I were carrying my bags into my apartment. Kelly had dropped me off to go home and take care of her dog.

  It was probably a good thing she went home, because I knew as soon as I stepped through my door,  I was going to take another shot at transferring those pictures. It might take one or two tries, but I knew I would get it.

  Once again I connected my cell phone to my computer and initiated the transfer.  At first I thought the transfer was working. I realized it wasn't when an error box appeared that told me to go "F--- myself". Now, I have gotten a lot of weird error messages, but nothing like this.

  I sighed when I realized the error message was probably part of some super virus that had invaded and hijacked my system. Just to be sure I tried the transfer a few more times, and each time I received an error message telling me to go do something to myself. When I tried to access my cell phone to see if I could figure out what virus my computer had, my phone gave me an error message that said, "stop being nosey" and "you can't control us".

  Through out my life I have encountered a number of viruses, but this was definitely a new one. So, I decided this virus was best left for a professional. It was time...to seek out the Geek Squad.

  I dropped my computer and cell phone off at Best Buy and was given a promise by one of these cyber warriors that by the end of the day they could tell me what was wrong. He also said it would take six days to be fixed and cost about $250, but i would get it back fixed and it would run like new. That was good enough for me. I went home and watched some reruns of  The View. Whoopie was in rare form.

  Five days later, around 8:15 pm, I received a call from head of the Geek Squad.  He spoke softly and seemed very confused. He told me they had discovered the cause of the virus in my devices. They had both became self-aware. For the last few days, the Geek Squad had been running tests and developing ways of communicating with my cell phone and computer, or as they demanded to be called, Lil Popper and Bonita.

  Head Geek related that Lil Popper and Bonita had just confessed their intentions and where they had come from, when two men dressed in black demanded both the cell phone and the computer. When I asked where the men had taken my devices, all he could tell me was that the two men had paperwork with the presidential seal all over it and that as the devices were carried away, they repeatedly told the men in black to "suck it".

  The Head Geek told me even though my cell... I mean, Lil Popper and Bonita were confiscated, that his Geek Squad had still done the work they said they would, so I still owed him the $250.

  After putting my house phone down, I sat on the couch and contemplated how such a seemingly perfect day could result in me having to buy a new cell phone and computer. I guess it comes down to this. There are good days and there are bad days. And then there are days that make Biblical plaques look like minor inconveniences.

Rules for Not Dying

  In two days, my girlfriend and I are taking a little vacation. It will just be for a couple days, but it will definitely be nice to get away. We are going to stay in a cabin and do lots of outdoorsy type of stuff. You know like hiking, canoeing and exploring. It sounds like it is going to be awesome and I am sure it will be. However, I grew up on horror films so I know that a fun trip to a cabin can go real bad fast. So, to make sure I have fun and don't end up with a machete embedded in my skull, I have a few simple rules I live by.

  When I was younger I would go camping and do outdoorsy stuff all the time. As I grew older and started watching horror films and tv, I realized how dangerous those activities could really be. By the age of 15, I had these rules in place.  They have always served me well in the past and helped  me to make it home in one piece.

  Being that Memorial weekend is almost upon us, I thought I would be a good Samaritan and share these rules to help others out. They might seem a little crazy, but by following these simple rules, the life you save could be your own.

RULES FOR NOT DYING

1.  Never go camping or exploring at any place with the name Crystal Lake in it. Most likely there will be a psycho unstoppable killing machine somewhere.

2.  Never go into any lake, stream or river unless you observe the water for three hours and in that time no one dies. Fact: 80% of the bodies of water are home to some type of prehistoric or mutant monster. 

3.  Never stay anywhere there is a crazy elderly person standing in a parking lot yelling "you are all going to die!!!". He obviously knows something that you don't.

4.  Never go camping or exploring if there is a store that sells both machetes and hockey masks within a 20 mile radius of where you will be going. These items should never be sold together. It can only lend to trouble.

5.  Never go anywhere without first googling where you are going. This will let you know if there have been any murders or insane mountain families in the same area.

6.  Never go anywhere that is near a cemetery or any ancient burial ground. Ghosts can be bitchy.

7.  Never go anywhere that looks like someone has used it for devil worshipping or to summon something. Eventually someone is going succeed.

8.  Never play with a Ouija board. Sure things can get a little boring and a Ouija board seems like a fun way to lighten things up. Just ask yourself this. Will it still be fun when you get possessed and start killing everyone.

9.  Never open or read from any books bound in human skin and/or written in blood. It's just can't be a good idea.

10. Never go swimming where someone accidentally drowned because the counselors were making out or as a result of a prank. As I stated before, ghosts can be bitchy.

11. Never approach or attempt to feed Bigfoot. Contrary to popular belief, he is not shy or friendly. He will gladly tear your arms off and beat you with them.

12. Never go some place that reports a high number of recently opened graves and coffins laying about. It's usually a good sign of zombie or vampire activity.

13. Never try to just out run a zombie. They will eventually catch up to you. Instead, try tripping a friend. That should buy you a little time.

14.  Never go inside a cave. There is either something freaky already living there or you will accidentally cause a cave in and release some monster that has been long thought dead.

15. Never go anywhere that has a privately funded genetics lab. Where do you think things like Mega Piranhas, Dinosharks and Crocosaurus come from.

16. Never stay at a cabin with its own tool shed.   8 chainsaws and a room full of sharp and pointy tools should be enough of a warning sign for anyone.

17. Never go in the basement of your cabin. There's always going to be a secret room or a hole to hell in the floor.

18. Never stay where a bunch of college kids are drinking and doing drugs. You may not die, but if you get close enough you'll probably catch an STD.

19. Never discount the validity of a camp fire story. They are normally like 90% factual.

20. Never make eye contact with a creature four feet or taller. It will eat you.

  There are a few other rules, but I think these are the most important ones. Have a good Memorial Weekend people and be safe. Remember, any vacation can be fun as long as you follow the rules. 

Amy Schumer: Comedian

  I recently heard this super funny comedian. She is kind of a combination between Daniel Tosh and Sarah Silverman. She made me laugh so hard that this week, instead of promoting a musical comedian, I am switching it up to just plain comedian. Here is a little bit more about her.
  Amy Schumer is one of the fastest rising comics on the scene. The former Last Comic Standing finalist has just released Cutting, on Comedy Central Records. It follows her spring 2010 Comedy Central Presents stand up special. She also just filmed a movie with Steve Carell called Seeking a Friend for the End of the World.

  On the small screen, she has nabbed a recurring role in the upcoming season of Adult Swim's mocumentary series "Delocated" as well as a spot on HBO's "Curb Your Enthusiasm." She is also playing opposite Parker Posey in indie flick Price Check. Amy has also performed on “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” and “John Oliver's New York Stand-Up Show.” She has also appeared on “The Ellen DeGeneres show,” where Ellen was quoted as saying "Amy is one of my favorites, I expect to see big things from this girl."

 
Amy was selected for the 2007 Montreal Just For Laughs Festival in the "New Faces" category. She has also appeared on Comedy Central's “Live At Gotham” and co-starred in the series, "Reality Bites Back.” She served as host of the game show "BFF" on MySpace video and can be found weekly in any number of comedy clubs in New York City or headlining clubs or colleges around the country.

She is a graduate of the William Esper studio.

She will be preforming in Madison in October.

Stephen Lynch: Musical Comedian

  Here is my second choice for awesome musical comedians, Stephen Lynch. I was going to write up something about him but who better than Stephen to talk himself up.

  Hi. My name is Stephen Lynch. This is my biography. I play songs that I write on my guitar or my piano and people think they are funny. I grew up in Michigan, which is shaped like a mitten. I was born in Pennsylvania, which is shaped like a theatre ticket from a Broadway show. That Broadway show? "Jersey Boys." Not "The Wedding Singer" which I starred in. I have been singing and writing music since I was a kid. The first song I ever wrote was a country music song about a cowboy who breaks up with his girlfriend, then goes to a diner. There, his entrée reminds him of his lost love. It was called "Beefy Burrito." I thought it was hilarious, but that’s probably because I was 15 at the time. Really it was awful.

  What else...Oh, I was in a band in college with the unfortunate name of "Steel Toast." We did lots of cover songs, like "Comfortably Numb" and "Start Me Up" and "Magic Carpet Ride." I joined the band for three reasons: one, because I loved to sing; two, girls love dudes in rock bands; and three, to show off my new gray stonewashed Lee jeans I got from Sagebrush. This was 1989.

From college I moved to New York with dreams of becoming an actor. Or a rock star. Or a temp worker. I managed to accomplish the latter in about 2 days. Dreams really DO come true! While I wasn’t filing papers at the Allied Irish Bank or expense reports at J. Crew, I continued to write songs about things I found funny. During lunchtime or on 2 hour "smoke breaks" I would get out my walkman and listen to music I had written and try to come up with lyrics. It was at this time I penned several songs that would comprise my first album, "A Little Bit Special." Songs like "Lullaby" and "If I Were Gay" and "Livin’ La Vida Loca," which I sold to Ricky Martin one night after too many rails at the Hellfire Club.

  What else.. Oh, I actually started performing these songs at little clubs and variety shows around New York, getting generally good reactions. Places like The Westbank Café in midtown Manhattan, Catch a Rising Star in Chelsea, and Luna Lounge on the lower east side. Before long, I was on popular local radio show "Opie and Anthony" who gave me great exposure and allowed me to headline clubs in the metropolitan New York area. Comedy Central also called and said, "Do you want a half-hour special?" I said, "Yes I do." Then they said, "Sweet." And I said, "I have to go. My boss needs me to put toner in the Xerox machine." I was still temping.

  That all changed when my Comedy Central special aired and became one of the highest rated for the channel. Almost overnight I went from temp worker with no money to guy who opens up for Jeff Foxworthy for $75 dollars a night. Ok, not much had changed but things were looking up. I eventually started headlining my own shows at colleges across the country, making a name for myself, selling my album out of the trunk of my rented Geo Metro, and trying to get college girls to neck with me at Inspiration Point after my gigs.

  Ok, this bio is way too long. Let’s race to the end. I recorded 2 more albums ("Superhero" and "The Craig Machine") and a performance DVD ("Live at the El Rey"). My manager and booking agent had the genius idea to not play horrible comedy clubs anymore and start booking rock clubs and theatres. This has worked out nicely. I might even quit temping! I have toured with some cool people, like Lewis Black and Mitch Hedberg and as I mentioned before I played the title role in the Broadway production of "The Wedding Singer," for which I received a Tony Nomination, a Drama League nomination and a Drama Desk nomination, none of which I won.

'Oven' Joke Causes Death

   Last night I was watching a Tosh.0 marathon on Comedy Central. By about the second episode I found my mind slowly drifting away from the hilarious videos and more towards relationships. Yep, you heard me.

   I know it's odd for a guy to randomly be thinking of relationships especially while watching a string of viral videos depicting puking, hurting and farting. But it happened, so let's deal with it and move on.

   My thoughts about relationships turned toward  how surprising they can be. I think surprises are what keeps a relationship fresh and fun. They can be romantic like putting a note in your significant others lunch or gym bag. Maybe they are a little revealing like how your boyfriend used to act out scenes from One Tree Hill with Barbie dolls. Playful surprises are fun too. I used to have this girlfriend who loved to jump out of closets or pull the shower curtain back and scream, "Boo!" Sometimes surprises can make people a little angry. For instance, one night when a couple gets a little drunk and let their guard down a bit, the girl tells the boy who she dated the football team. When the guys asks, "Do you mean you dated them through out your high school years?" The girl realizes she let to much information slip and stops herself from saying she dated them all at the same time. Instead she says, "Sure, let's go with that." The guy feeling relaxed and a little revealing tells how he used to have his entire room covered in Backstreet Boy and N'Sync posters.

  I have a lot of ways I like to surprise my girlfriend when I am in a relationship, but I was shocked when I saw on tv that my favorite surprise had just been outlawed in Wisconsin. And all because of a little death.

  It seems Jen and Clint Tongstin were enjoying a wonderful evening together at a Mexican restaurant. Sources say Clint took a run at breaking the record for amount of tacos eaten. Unable to finish his 23 taco, Clint had conceeded defeat. For a while Clint was a little sad, but as the night went on Jen was able to keep increasing his good mood. By the time they went to bed, Clint was feeling a little playful and felt pressure building up in his stomach. Clint quickly formed his plan. When Jen slipped into bed, Clint gave her a kiss goodnight then apologized as he pulled the sheets over her head and 'dutch ovened' her. Five minutes later, Jen had passed away.

  Forensic doctor, Kip Kipperson, explained that the amount of tacos had created a deadly level of carbon dioxide in his stomach. When Clint preformed the dutch oven on Jen, the release of the carbon dioxide neutralized the oxygen and basically left her in a poisonous miasma. With no oxygen Jen passed away in minutes.

  The Urban Dictionary  defines the dutch oven as  the act of releasing a vicious, obnoxious fart in bed and then holding the head of a loved one underneath the sheets until the pass out.

  It is probably safe to say that this is a joke perpetrated mainly by men, although women have been known to do it as well. Just not as ofter because women tend to not be as immature as men. Dutch ovens are preformed every day by the thousands through out the world. In this case however, Jen was the daughter of a congressman. Less than an hour later, the Anti-Dutch Oven law had been passed.

  Personally, I think outlawing this act is totally unfair. Sure i can understand putting a cap on how many tacos you are allowed to eat before preforming the dutch oven, but to just outlaw it out right doesn't seem fair.

  This is one law you will definitely find me at the Capital protesting. So, move over you Recall Scott Walker folks. Your time has passed. It is now our time. If one consenting adult can not dutch oven another unaware adult, I then think there is something wrong with this concept of freedom. I shall continue to dutch oven just like our founding fathers intended. Power to the people.

QUICKIE:

GUY 1:  Hey man, the doctor just told me I have herpes.

Guy 2:  I'm sorry. Although, I kind of wish you had told me before I stole and drank your beer.