Things You SHOULD Say In An Elevator

  Yesterday a friend and I were stuck in an elevator with a lot of businessy people. All suits and no smiles. We were at the back of the elevator with two rows of people in front of us. I kind of felt like I was in the 'cheap seats' at some concert.
  Being crammed in an elevator is one of my least favorite things, and not just because I'm a little claustrophobic. It's such an uncomfortable situation. No one talks or even moves for that matter. They just stand there ignoring the people around them.

  As I stood behind these people I felt an urge to just scream or start a mosh pit. Something. Anything. When we finally escaped that little box of insane boredom I went right home and started thinking of some ways to make being in an elevator fun. And there is no better way to have fun then making the stuffy people you are trapt with a tad uneasy.

  What I came up with are a few random scripts to use when stuck in an elevator with one or more 'boredom spewing life sucking' people. These little exchanges of dialogue will hopefully make your unwanted travelling companion hit the next floor button as soon as possible.

  I plan on using a couple of these later today. Hopefully, I can convince my friend from yesterday to ride up and down the elevator a few times with me at some random office building so we can try some of these out. I'll let you know how it goes.

Script One
Person 1:  Oh man, that Taco Bell we had last night is totally hitting me.
Person 2:  (Wave your hand side to side a few times) Wow, that really stinks

Script Two
Person 1:  Look at that guy. He would make a great sacrifice for our Summer Satanic Ritual.
Person 2:  I wonder if he would bring ice cream.
Person 1:  I'm going to ask him.

Script Three
Person 1:  (Hold up brown bag) I just got that bath salt everyone is talking about
Person 2:  Isn't that the stuff that will make you go all zombie and eat people?
Person 1:  Yeah, but that wouldn't happen to me. Watch. (Open bag, stick finger in then put finger up to nose and inhale really hard.) See nothing hap....Oh, I don't feel so good. Suddenly, I am so hungry.

Script Four
Person 1:  So my roommate was all being all crabby this morning.
Person 2:  What about this time?
Person 1:  He says I tried to strangle him in his sleep again.

Script Five
Person 1:  So, I am going to go to the doctor for that pinched nerve.
Person 2:  Pretty sore, huh?
Person 1:  Yeah, sore. My stomach is hurts. It's hard to see out my left eye or hear things. I have all these white sores filled with pus and i think my back is turning green
Person 2:  You might have two things wrong.

Script Six
Person 1:  Do you think it's okay to go to the bathroom in an elevator?
Person 2:  Why not. I did it in this very elevator yesterday. (point to where someone is standing.) Right over there actually.
Person 1:  Nice

Script Seven
Person 1:  So, you know how you have been thinking that your girlfriend has been cheating on you.
Person 2:  I don't think she is. I KNOW she is! And if I ever catch the guy, God help him because I have no idea what I would do to him.
Person 1:  Really, no idea. I mean, you must have a few right. What would you do?
Person 2:  I really don't know. (pause) Why are you asking any way?
Person 1:  (sigh and sound nervous when talking and fidget with your collar) um... well... you see...oh boy... okay, here it is. I am the one who has been... you know... with your girlfriend.

Script Eight
Person 1:  Oh guess what. I'm pretty sure I'm a werewolf.
Person 2:  Why do you think that?
Person 1:  Well, do you know of anything else that would cause me to keep waking up completely naked in the forest?

Script Nine
Person 1:  Did you hear that?
Person 2:  Yeah, sounded like something snapped.
Person 1:  Not good. You know last week another elevator this same building broke free and crashed.
Person 2:  That sucks. Hey, let's jump up and down really hard a few times to see if it's broke.
Person 1:  Okay

Script Ten
Person 1:  Have you ever 'made out' with anyone in an elevator before?
Person 2:  Um... Nope, I don't think I have.
Person 1:  You wanna? I mean, no one will know but this guy and I'm sure he won't tell.
Person 2:  Okay. Should we ask him to join.
Person 1:  If you want.

Never Change Another Diaper Again

  My die casting job keeps me pretty busy. The problem is everything I do is fairly repetitive. Which means while I may be running all over the place, my mind is kind of just floating in limbo. This state of mind can sometimes lead to amazingly deep and profound thoughts, and other times it leads to the invention below.

  I am totally excited to have kids some day. Everything about the idea appeals to me, except the changing of those sticky nugget filled diapers. I couldn't even pick up my own dog's mess with out gagging. Just the idea makes my stomach turn a little. So, this presents an interesting problem. How do I raise a child without ever having to change a diaper? Well, i believe the solution presented itself last night.

  This is a industrial pump used for sucking up water, oil, hydraulic fluid and the such. This is also one part of my new invention, The Diaper Purger 3000. The second half of this marvelous invention is a simple diaper with a flap in the back. How does it work you ask? A great question with a very simple explanation.

  When you have identified the offending diaper simply lift the flap on the diaper then attach The Diaper Purger 3000 hose. Flip the on button, and watch the nuggets and even liquids vanish. In seconds you are left with a dry and sparkling clean diaper. The best part is The Toilet Purger 3000 comes with a reverse switch, so you can pump out whatever you collected into an air tight barrel or spray it over your law as fertilizer or at the neighbor you have been feuding with. Oh, and did I mention it will only cost $300. In not having to buy new diapers alone it will save you roughly $20,000 a year.

  I hope to have these out in time for Christmas. Look for it at baby supply stores everywhere.

Behold The Power Of Gum

  I am always hearing people and commercial talking about the 'power of cheese', but they really never go into what those powers are. Can cheese fly? Does it have x-ray vision? Is it totally invulnerable, so you can't cut the cheese? I have no idea. Although today, I did find out the awesome power of gum. It can bring trucks to a complete stop and keep them from moving.

  No one ever told me gum has this power. Instead I had to find out on my own. I hate finding things out on my own. People like to call them lives little lessons or surprises. I prefer to see them as additional ways life can screw with me.

  I have to say about 60% of the things I do during the day involves or is motivated by food. Monday is $3.99 spaghetti and bread stick day at Hy-Vee. It's pretty good, it fills me up and the best part is it's cheap. So, it's normally that is where I go to eat.

  My favorite thing is to pick up the spaghetti and bread sticks and then to find some place quiet to just listen to some stand up comedy specials on my computer or cell phone. It's the relaxing calm in an otherwise hectic Monday. So yeah, I might have been whistling as I walked back to my truck. There's nothing wrong with it. Sure lots of people and dogs tend to cover their ears when I whistle, but that doesn't make it wrong. I set my food in my truck, started the engine and shifted into drive. Nothing. I pushed down a little harder on the gas pedal. Still nothing. I started to worry there was something wrong with my transmission. Annoyed, I jammed the pedal to the floor. I could hear my wheels spinning and smell the burnt rubber, but I remained in the same parking spot. Nothing.

  I know absolutely nothing about cars, but I still felt I should get out and take a look. After all, that's what guys do. Most of the time we have no idea what we are looking for or even at, but it must be some weird piece of junk DNA that makes us do it.

  After fulfilling my manly obligation I called a tow truck. All I saw was a piece of gum stuck to my tire and the pavement. I may be slow when it comes to how trucks work, but I knew a poorly piece of discarded Hubba Bubba gum wasn't going to hold my truck in place. That only works in cartoons.

  The tow truck driver finally showed up and took his turn walking around my car. As soon as he saw the tire with gum on it, he sighed and said that was it. I tried to ask him how gum could keep a truck from moving, but he was obviously focused on the gum. He went back to his truck and broke out this huge blow torch. He then proceeded to spend the next twenty minutes melting and chipping away at the gum.I couldn't believe what was going on. This had to be a bad joke, but as people walked by they would be like "Oh, that sucks" or "That happened to me last week."

  Confused, I watched as the tow truck driver packed up his gear and presented me with a bill for $200. I was like, "You removed some gum. Don't you think your bill is a little unfair?" He just shook shook his head slowly side to side like a disappointed father and said, "You have no idea what gum can do."

  Maybe not, but I also didn't have $200 on me. When i told him this, the guy looked like he might use that huge blow torch on me. Then I saw his eyes shift to my incredibly plate of spaghetti and bread stick. I knew at that moment a deal had been made. He took my food and said my bill was paid.

  As his truck pulled away, I sat there with no food and a half melted tire. Definitely, not the best start to the day. I guess I can try next Monday, but you better believe I will be keeping my eye open for rogue wads of chewing gum for now on.

 

A Lesson In Trust

  The English language has a lot of words for us to use when describing the act of putting your life in another person's hands. Most people would say the main word is 'trust'.  I would politely say to those people that they are completely and totally, "WRONG!" The word they are looking for is, "Dear God, please don't kill me." Fine, it's more than one word, but you get my point.

  Life is such a precious thing, and trusting another person with your continued survival is nothing short of crazy. I'm not saying it's a meaningless act or that you should never do it. It's just you may want to take a moment to really think about things when you are putting your life in the hands of a guy you affectionately named, Sir Clutsy.

  For example, today Kelly and I paid our first visit to Boulder's Climbing Gym to start my climbing training. Every good superhero has mad climbing skills and was defintiely not about to be the exception.

  Kelly seemed pretty calm and nonchalant about the whole thing. I, on the other hand, was so excited that my heart was pumping like I just power slammed 100 pixie sticks. At that moment, there was no doubt in my mind that I was going to take to those walls like I was the Amazing Spider-Man.

  It took about ten minutes for Kelly and I to get our gear and fill out the waivers that say if we plummet to our deaths, the gym won't be held responsible. Fair enough.

  Our instructer took us out to the floor, and ran us through how to use the ropes and how to secure ourselves by attaching the rope to our harnesses. I think this is called, belaying. I'm not a 100% sure, because I wasn't really listening. While the instructer was going over some very important life saving instructions, I was focused on the climbing wall with the theme to the Spider-Man playing in my head. Oh, I was ready.

  Kelly took her turn and was amazing. When it was my turn, I secured my harness then leapt on to the wall with a single bound. It felt like I jumped about 12 feet into the air and right on to the wall. I was later told my leap took me maybe 1/4 of an inch off the floor. Whatever. It still felt like 12 feet to me.

  Just as I imagined, I cleared ten feet of the wall pretty easy. It was after that that things became a little daunting. The hand holds and foot rests shrunk to the size of little tiny golf balls. Sure most people would have given up right there, but I couldn't. I felt the eyes of all the other people in the gym on me, and I knew what they were thinking. They were urging me not to give up and to succeed where so many had failed. As Spider-Man's protege, I couldn't let them down. So with renewed confidence upwards I went, and ten minutes later I rang the bell signifying I made it all the way to the tippy top of the wall. It was such an amazing feeling as that bell rang out and all the people below clapped and chanted, "Spi-der-Man! Spi-der-Man!".

  I was later told no one was clapping or chanting. In fact, I was told most people thought I was having a seizure because I was shaking so much. Obviously, those people were confused and were thinking of someone else they were watching. I stood at the top with nothing but two foot rests and my legs of steel supporting me.

  The clapping and chanting was nothing short of incredible, but I wasn't here to show off. Just to have some fun with my girlfriend, and yeah, get a little exercise too.

  I looked down and told Kelly I was ready to come down. She smiled and continued to look up at me. I figured she didn't hear me so this time when I told her I was ready to come down, I also pointed to the ground with my finger. With that incredible smile she just looked up at me and nodded. The thought suddenly hit me that I was at least 30 feet in the air, clinging to a wall and that I was about to trust my girlfriend not to drop me on my head.

  It also occurred to me that as I pointed down and told Kelly I was ready to descend, she didn't move or adjust anything. This didn't seem right. I knew she was supposed to release some lever that would enable me to gently return to the earth, but I didn't see her do it. Of course, she already had and was in total control of everything. She yelled up for me to put my feet against the wall and push out. I started to, but the rope didn't feel secure enough for me to do this. So, I pulled myself back against the wall and entered into a period where time seemed to repeat itself.

  I called down, "Are you sure you have it?" She returned with, "I've got it. Come down." This simple exchange repeated over and over for five minutes. It was at this point I realized I went from being the Amazing Spider-Man to the scared cat stuck in a tree.

  Sure, I trusted she wouldn't drop me. I even did a mental check to see if I had ticked her off at all in the last couple days. Although, if I had, there wasn't much I could do about it now. Apart from compliment her. Which I did. Alot!

  And even though I trusted her, I knew trust alone wasn't going to get me out from that wall. When your life is on the line, you have to be a little crazy. Crazy, because there are a million and one things that can go wrong that are completely beyond the control of the person you are trusting to save your life. The rope could have broken, a zombie could have suddenly ate her hand, the entire rock wall could have come unscrewed or a million other things. This is why I say crazy is a better word choice than trust. You have to be crazy to think your significant other or friend can save you from anything and everything that might happen, but you do. There is nothing logical about the fact that I know my girlfriend will safely get me down even if a zombie is trying to eat her hand, but I know she will. Sometimes it takes a little crazy to get us to do the more risker things in life.

 Which is why I finally took a deep breath, closed my eyes and pushed out from the wall. I'm not sure when it happened, but I when I reopened my eyes I was on my way back down. It may not have gone as smoothly as an angel gracefully descending to earth from the heavens, but it was pretty close. Once back on the ground, I made sure to give Kelly the biggest hug. I was so proud of my first climb and for her helping me to get back down safely. Besides, I still wasn't sure if I had done anything lately to make her mad... so best to be safe. After all, I was about to start up a new wall.

  I did a few more climbs, and then called it a day. I was having serious amounts of fun, but my hands and shoulders were starting to ache a little bit, and I didn't want to return to work on Monday unable to lift my arms. Besides, there would always be the next time and we still had the Dane County Fair to get to. The climbing part of my superhero training was finally on its way.

My Nerd Shame

  When I first started this blog, I have to admit that I never expected it to be as popular as it is. Nor did I expect it to provide such an incredible emotional release. Instead of letting all those little frustrations towards life and people build up inside of me, I now have a way to let all of it out. I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have this blog, I would probably end up in clock tower.

  I knew the time would come when I felt comfortable enough with you all to reveal my biggest secret, which also happens to be my biggest shame. It is already well known that I am a self-professed nerd. I love everything about my nerd culture. The comic books, the movies, the people, the sense of humor, the intellectual conversation all be it sometimes heavily skewed toward Star Wars at times and ... well, just everything. It's also a great time to be nerd. Not like in high school where I would sometimes end up face first in a toilet. FYI...janitor of Minooka High School, great job on keeping those toilets sparkling clean. They were always clean no matter what angle I was looking at them.

  Anyway, you would think in this day and age of acceptance my shame wouldn't be so shameful at all. I think the fact that the nerd culture is so accepted now is what makes my secret that much worse. But like I said, I think it is time for my secret to finally come out. I...um,uh....um...(takes a deep breath) I am unable to Spock's live long and prosper salute.

My shameful Spock Salute.

  It's true. I just have never been able to get my fingers to move right. I can get the two fingers on one side to cooperate with each other, but the other two act like a couple that just went through a horrible break up.

  Years have gone by with me practicing every night and still my shame persists. The reason I am finally coming forward and revealing my shame now is that on Monday I will be seeing a doctor about this. My hope is the that I have some kind of degenerative muscle problem in those two fingers and that's why I am unable to give a proper Spock Salute.

  I promise to keep you updated as to the status of my Spock Salute. Thank you for your support and for continuing to read this blog.

Extreme Heat Made You Do What???

  Most people normally behave in a nice and civilized manner. We say please and thank you. We hold doors open for people and offer to help whenever we can. Perfect examples of how mankind should behave to one another.
  However, add a few degrees to that and tempers start to shorten and our willingness to help one another decreases greatly. Now, add a lot of degrees and you have what I call extreme heat. Which to me is any temperature over 100 degrees. When the temperature gets this hot, all rules and about 90% of our humanity goes out the door. Everything becomes fair game.

  Now, by my calculations, we have been in extreme heat for about a month now. I have observed peoples moods and attitudes changing. It seems almost every day people slip a little farther toward their more primitive selves. Given that I have so much free time, I combined all the observations I made with the data on how extreme temperature affects people, and I came up with some interesting predictions. Here are just a couple of them.

-  Extreme heat can turn your normal, peaceful drive to work into something out of a Mad Max movie. It's like road rage on steroids.

-  Extreme heat can make you not want to touch or be touched by another living thing. I saw a lady freak out two days ago on a plant because it kept brushing up against her.

-  Extreme heat can make you crank your air conditioning so high, your home becomes a perfect habitat for penguins. Remember you just want to cool your place off a little bit. You're not trying to make it snow. I've tried and it doesn't work.

-  Extreme heat can make you not want to use your stove or oven on, so you just have bowls of  cereal for lunch and dinner. Currently, I have five different types of cereal in my apartment. Only one of them is good for me. The rest are nothing but sugar and colored marshmallows.

-  Extreme heat can make you want to walk around your house in nothing but your birthday suit. Just remember to close your curtains and blinds first.

-  Extreme heat can make you swim at places you normally wouldn't consider going to. You know, places like the public pool where people keep getting stabbed or the river with algae so thick it looks like it's covered with carpet.

-  Extreme heat can make you get drunk and attempt rain dances in your backyard with your friends. Make sure you invite all your neighbors because the one you don't invite is the one who will record and post the whole thing on the internet.

-  Extreme heat can make you accept snow cones and Gatorade from complete strangers without giving it a second thought. While they may look refreshing take an extra second to think about it. For instance, if your snow cone or Gatorade is yellow, then maybe you should just throw it away.

-  Extreme heat can make you eat your friends face off. What? It's as plausible a reason as bath salt.

  I know there are a lot of other things that can occur due to extreme heat, and the majority of them are way weirder than the things listed above. Until this weather passes I guess we just have to look out for each other, and do our best to keep our heads. Remember, if we really try we can be the best of.....Seriously, that guy just bumped into my table. Aww, hell no. (Grabs baseball bat) That's it for today my friends. I need to have a talk with that guy.

  HEY YOU.....

Call Me Maybe by the Star Wars Players

I saw this and thought it was funny as all heck. Who knew the people from all those Star Wars movies could sing.