Zombies: What's Your Sign

  Hey all. Nothing to much going on today. Just messing with Photoshop and making some zombie signs. So, I thought I would share them. These might appear soon as a new coaster set on Camp Coaster.

How To Survive The First Round Of The Zombie Apocalypse

  It is my humble opinion that movies starring zombies make the best horror films.

  I'm positive at least half of you are of similar opinion. The other half, by now, have pulled out and are willing their copies of Paranormal Activity and The Exorcist, screaming, "What about these? Have you seen these?"

  I have. Multiple times. They are both excellent examples of how scary and suspenseful horror films can be when they are done right. Which is kind of the problem. They aren't always done right.

  Now, don't misunderstand, I'm not saying that every zombie movie ever made has been perfect. In fact, I can count the number of true greats on one hand. But that's why they are they best.

  It doesn't matter if I'm watching the best zombie movie ever, or the worst. I can always find something to appreciate.Whether its the suspense, the gore or just being so ridiculous that it makes me laugh, there's always something.

  The thing about zombie movies though is that once you see so many of them so many times, you begin to put yourself in the character's shoes.

  You start to question the character's choices. Compare how they handled a situation to how you would handle it. And that's when you realize, a lot of people who die in the first round of the zombie apocalypse, deserve to die.

  I guess it's not really their fault. Yes, zombie movies have been around for well over 40 years, so you would think there would be some kind of basic knowledge. But I guess you really can't count that as actual training.

  That's why I am currently trying to pass a bill that would require every person living in the United States to go through a two week course called, 'How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse'.

  Below are a few of the more important techniques we would teach in the class.

1)  People should be allowed to carry an axe or sword with them at all times. Its just a matter of being prepared. Why do so many people die right away? No weapons that are readily accessible. Carry a sword or axe with you and your chances of survival greatly increase.

2)  People need to get used to 'swinging first, asking questions' later. If something moans or tries to grab you from behind, swing your axe as you spin around. Zombies are the masters of the sneak attack. Which is odd. You know, because of all the moaning. And yes, there may be a few accidents initially from people sneaking up behind you and grabbing your shoulders or covering your eyes. But to be honest, those people are fairly annoying.

3)  I want it to be mandatory that whenever a coffin is put into the ground, it must also be encased in a box made out of three feet thick concrete. This way none of the undead will be crawling their way back up to the surface. As a bonus, it's pretty effective at containing vampires too.

4)  Carry pieces of raw meat in your backpack or purse. This can be used when you need to slow down a horde of zombies that want to make you their lunch. All you have to do is toss the meat behind you and keep on running. Don't look back.
      By the way, zombies don't care if the meat is fresh or not. So, don't worry about buying fresh meat every couple days. Just remember to keep it in an air tight container. Otherwise, zombies aren't the only things you'll be distracting.

  And finally, the most important bit of training you need is...

5)  You need acting lessons. If zombie movies have taught us anything, its that sometimes pretending to be a zombie is all you need to do to survive. But something else to remember is that zombies are really good at picking out fakers, so be sure to bring your 'A' game.

A Lifetime Of Knowledge

  It's that time of year again when I get a year older and a year closer to shaking hands with the old Grim Reaper. Yeah, I see him back there rubbing his hands together. He's not the most patient of fellows, but that's fine. I still have a few things I need to do before we meet.

  One of which is to pass on all the wisdom I have acquired during my life. Sure, my advice may not be on the same level as Socrates, Shakespeare or Einstein, but I still feel it is worthwhile. My advice may never save your life, but odds are it won't kill you either...theoretically anyway.

  Oh, just so you know, I'm not sharing all of my advice and wisdom in just this one post. I'm starting with just the top ten things. I only mention this, because I know someone is going to be like, "He only listed ten things. How wise can he truly be." Rest assured that I have crap loads of wisdom to share with you. I just don't want to blow your minds. I'm polite like that. Consider that a bonus piece of wisdom from me. You're welcome. Here are the other ten.

1.  Don't stick you fingers or tongue in electrical sockets. That seriously hurts and you end up looking like Don King.

2.  Don't answer any questions your girlfriend brings to you about her looks or how she is dressed. It's a trick question and can not be answered with leading to a fight.

3.  Ladies, do not pull your boyfriends finger. No matter what he promises, nothing that smells like roses will come out. More likely you will hear something akin to a wet sick fog horn.

4.  Spandex is not for everyone. Seriously.

5.  Pizza is the perfect balance of all four food groups.

6.  Streaking while wearing a Batman mask will get you a talking to by the police. The funny thing is that while they are doing it, they never make eye contact with you.

7.  People who say they are hiking because it is good exercise are lying. They do it in hopes of seeing Bigfoot and are to embarrassed to admit it.

8.  There is a 70% chance that every time you go to a fast food place, they will screw up your order somehow.

9.  Even the most well spoken guy can speak 'street' in a threatening manner when he hears a noise and he is home alone at night. Example: "Hey! Who's out there? I got a big ass dog in here!" Makes barking noises. "You fo' su' don't want any of this, so you better get ta steppin!!!"

10. If there ever is a zombie apocalypse, make sure you are always in front of your friends when running away from a zombie horde. This way no one can trip you.

  Well, there you have it. Ten bits of wisdom that will change your life. Probably. Maybe...Anyway, until next time, peace out girl scout.

Things You SHOULD Say In An Elevator

  Yesterday a friend and I were stuck in an elevator with a lot of businessy people. All suits and no smiles. We were at the back of the elevator with two rows of people in front of us. I kind of felt like I was in the 'cheap seats' at some concert.
  Being crammed in an elevator is one of my least favorite things, and not just because I'm a little claustrophobic. It's such an uncomfortable situation. No one talks or even moves for that matter. They just stand there ignoring the people around them.

  As I stood behind these people I felt an urge to just scream or start a mosh pit. Something. Anything. When we finally escaped that little box of insane boredom I went right home and started thinking of some ways to make being in an elevator fun. And there is no better way to have fun then making the stuffy people you are trapt with a tad uneasy.

  What I came up with are a few random scripts to use when stuck in an elevator with one or more 'boredom spewing life sucking' people. These little exchanges of dialogue will hopefully make your unwanted travelling companion hit the next floor button as soon as possible.

  I plan on using a couple of these later today. Hopefully, I can convince my friend from yesterday to ride up and down the elevator a few times with me at some random office building so we can try some of these out. I'll let you know how it goes.

Script One
Person 1:  Oh man, that Taco Bell we had last night is totally hitting me.
Person 2:  (Wave your hand side to side a few times) Wow, that really stinks

Script Two
Person 1:  Look at that guy. He would make a great sacrifice for our Summer Satanic Ritual.
Person 2:  I wonder if he would bring ice cream.
Person 1:  I'm going to ask him.

Script Three
Person 1:  (Hold up brown bag) I just got that bath salt everyone is talking about
Person 2:  Isn't that the stuff that will make you go all zombie and eat people?
Person 1:  Yeah, but that wouldn't happen to me. Watch. (Open bag, stick finger in then put finger up to nose and inhale really hard.) See nothing hap....Oh, I don't feel so good. Suddenly, I am so hungry.

Script Four
Person 1:  So my roommate was all being all crabby this morning.
Person 2:  What about this time?
Person 1:  He says I tried to strangle him in his sleep again.

Script Five
Person 1:  So, I am going to go to the doctor for that pinched nerve.
Person 2:  Pretty sore, huh?
Person 1:  Yeah, sore. My stomach is hurts. It's hard to see out my left eye or hear things. I have all these white sores filled with pus and i think my back is turning green
Person 2:  You might have two things wrong.

Script Six
Person 1:  Do you think it's okay to go to the bathroom in an elevator?
Person 2:  Why not. I did it in this very elevator yesterday. (point to where someone is standing.) Right over there actually.
Person 1:  Nice

Script Seven
Person 1:  So, you know how you have been thinking that your girlfriend has been cheating on you.
Person 2:  I don't think she is. I KNOW she is! And if I ever catch the guy, God help him because I have no idea what I would do to him.
Person 1:  Really, no idea. I mean, you must have a few right. What would you do?
Person 2:  I really don't know. (pause) Why are you asking any way?
Person 1:  (sigh and sound nervous when talking and fidget with your collar) um... well... you see...oh boy... okay, here it is. I am the one who has been... you know... with your girlfriend.

Script Eight
Person 1:  Oh guess what. I'm pretty sure I'm a werewolf.
Person 2:  Why do you think that?
Person 1:  Well, do you know of anything else that would cause me to keep waking up completely naked in the forest?

Script Nine
Person 1:  Did you hear that?
Person 2:  Yeah, sounded like something snapped.
Person 1:  Not good. You know last week another elevator this same building broke free and crashed.
Person 2:  That sucks. Hey, let's jump up and down really hard a few times to see if it's broke.
Person 1:  Okay

Script Ten
Person 1:  Have you ever 'made out' with anyone in an elevator before?
Person 2:  Um... Nope, I don't think I have.
Person 1:  You wanna? I mean, no one will know but this guy and I'm sure he won't tell.
Person 2:  Okay. Should we ask him to join.
Person 1:  If you want.