Seeing as I love humor, I decided to highlight some of my favorite comedic musicians. I wasn't totally sure who to start with. There are so many that make me laugh. Luckily, a little devine intervention brought me the answer as I drove passed the Occupy Madison camp. So, this week I would like to spotlight Garfunkel and Oates with their song "Save the Rich."
Garfunkel and Oates is an LA-based comedy/folk duo made up of actresses Riki Lindhome (Last House on the Left, Changeling, My Best Friend's Girl) and Kate Micucci (Scrubs, 'Til Death, When in Rome). They've appeared on The Tonight Show, Last Call with Carson Daly, KTLA and CNN and have a monthly show at the Upright Citizens Brigade in LA.
Save The Rich
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Target Puts the 'F--k You' in Customer Service
"You know what, is there someone I can talk to who knows what is going on around here...Yes! I want to speak to a manager. This shirt was clearly marked half off and that means I get half off...I don't care if this shirt was on a different rack and it's not made by the same company as the one on sale. It's clearly marked. Clearly!...Are you stupid?..."
If you have ever worked a retail job you have dealt with this customer. This is the customer who believes the phrase, 'the customer is always right' is an actual law, and not an advertising gimmick from the early 20th century.
Customers know if they let enough people pile up behind them and complain loud enough that they will eventually get what they want.
I saw an example of this yesterday at Target. All the checkout lines but one had three or more people in them. Fearing that line with only one person in it would fill up soon, I channeled my inner Olympic runner, and made a bee-line for it.
Only one person was faster than me at getting in the line. I nodded to the other person acknowledging her superior speed. I think her name was Lana Rainbow or Raver or something like that. I didn't completely catch it cause I soon found out why the line was empty. A customer and the store manager were locked in an epic battle over whether a pair of pants were part of the sale or not.
The customer declared they were, while the manager calmly and politely disagreed. Meanwhile, the cashier almost seemed to be hiding behind the manager from the vicious customer. I watched as both sides presented their case, and I saw neither one was willing to budge.
I told Lana we should switch lanes because this might take a while. Just as I finished gathering my last item off the conveyor belt, I froze as I heard the most amazing thing ever.
The customer had just called the manager stupid and suggested he go back to manager school. There was a short pause. I could almost hear the woman smile, thinking she had won the battle. Then it happened. The game changer.
The manager lifted his head up and me the woman's confident gaze. A smile bigger than the Cheshire Cat's appeared on his face. And in a tone that announced his freedom, the manager said, "Ma'am go f--k yourself! Good day."
At first the woman didn't react. After about a minute, she extended her credit card to the manager, head down in defeat. Without a word she left.
When it was Lana's turn and then mine, I noticed we were both super nice to the cashier who had returned to her register.
As I left the store, I watched the manager walk up and down the aisles, point at people and like a giddy school boy tell them to "F--k off" and "Go F--k yourself." I've never seen anyone seem happier or more free.
I want to go back and see if he's still there. I kind of wanted to shake his head and tell him I respected him.
When I inquired if he was working that day, a different cashier told me he had been let go. Shocked I asked him why and the guy said, "Well, he did tell over 200 customers to go F--k themselves."
Good point. However, I hope his brave act does not go ignored, and that other cashiers, sales associates and managers rise up to continue his fight.
I pray his battle cry rings out in Targets, Wal-marts, Walgreens....everywhere. Where ever customers are rude, I hope I hear the a proud "Go F--k yourself".
Go F--k yourself, indeed.
 |
| Target manager tells customer what he really thinks |
Customers know if they let enough people pile up behind them and complain loud enough that they will eventually get what they want.
I saw an example of this yesterday at Target. All the checkout lines but one had three or more people in them. Fearing that line with only one person in it would fill up soon, I channeled my inner Olympic runner, and made a bee-line for it.
Only one person was faster than me at getting in the line. I nodded to the other person acknowledging her superior speed. I think her name was Lana Rainbow or Raver or something like that. I didn't completely catch it cause I soon found out why the line was empty. A customer and the store manager were locked in an epic battle over whether a pair of pants were part of the sale or not.
The customer declared they were, while the manager calmly and politely disagreed. Meanwhile, the cashier almost seemed to be hiding behind the manager from the vicious customer. I watched as both sides presented their case, and I saw neither one was willing to budge.
I told Lana we should switch lanes because this might take a while. Just as I finished gathering my last item off the conveyor belt, I froze as I heard the most amazing thing ever.
The customer had just called the manager stupid and suggested he go back to manager school. There was a short pause. I could almost hear the woman smile, thinking she had won the battle. Then it happened. The game changer.
The manager lifted his head up and me the woman's confident gaze. A smile bigger than the Cheshire Cat's appeared on his face. And in a tone that announced his freedom, the manager said, "Ma'am go f--k yourself! Good day."
At first the woman didn't react. After about a minute, she extended her credit card to the manager, head down in defeat. Without a word she left.
When it was Lana's turn and then mine, I noticed we were both super nice to the cashier who had returned to her register.
As I left the store, I watched the manager walk up and down the aisles, point at people and like a giddy school boy tell them to "F--k off" and "Go F--k yourself." I've never seen anyone seem happier or more free.
I want to go back and see if he's still there. I kind of wanted to shake his head and tell him I respected him.
When I inquired if he was working that day, a different cashier told me he had been let go. Shocked I asked him why and the guy said, "Well, he did tell over 200 customers to go F--k themselves."
Good point. However, I hope his brave act does not go ignored, and that other cashiers, sales associates and managers rise up to continue his fight.
I pray his battle cry rings out in Targets, Wal-marts, Walgreens....everywhere. Where ever customers are rude, I hope I hear the a proud "Go F--k yourself".
Go F--k yourself, indeed.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Nations of the World
I know this post is a little out of the norm, but I really think the song is fun. So I wanted to share it. It's educational and you can use it to win bar bets.
United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama
Nation of the World
United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama
Haiti, Jamaica, Peru,
Republic Dominican, Cuba, Carribean
Greenland, El Salvador too.
Puerto Rico, Columbia, Venezuela
Honduras, Guyana, and still,
Guatemala, Bolivia, then Argentina
And Ecuador, Chile, Brazil.
Costa Rica, Belize, Nicaragua, Bermuda
Bahamas, Tobago, San Juan,
Paraguay, Uruguay, Surinam
And French Guiana, Barbados, and Guam.
Norway, and Sweden, and Iceland, and Finland
And Germany now one piece,
Switzerland, Austria, Czechoslovakia
Italy, Turkey, and Greece.
Poland, Romania, Scotland, Albania
Ireland, Russia, Oman,
Bulgaria, Saudi Arabia
Hungary, Cyprus, Iraq, and Iran.
There's Syria, Lebanon, Israel, Jordan
Both Yemens, Kuwait, and Bahrain,
The Netherlands, Luxembourg, Belgium, and Portugal
France, England, Denmark, and Spain.
India, Pakistan, Burma, Afghanistan
Thailand, Nepal, and Bhutan,
Kampuchea, Malaysia, then Bangladesh (Asia)
And China, Korea, Japan.
Mongolia, Laos, and Tibet, Indonesia
The Philippine Islands, Taiwan,
Sri Lanka, New Guinea, Sumatra, New Zealand
Then Borneo, and Vietnam.
Tunisia, Morocco, Uganda, Angola
Zimbabwe, Djibouti, Botswana,
Mozambique, Zambia, Swaziland, Gambia
Guinea, Algeria, Ghana.
Burundi, Lesotho, and Malawi, Togo
The Spanish Sahara is gone,
Niger, Nigeria, Chad, and Liberia
Egypt, Benin, and Gabon.
Tanzania, Somalia, Kenya, and Mali
Sierra Leone, and Algiers,
Dahomey, Namibia, Senegal, Libya
Cameroon, Congo, Zaire.
Ethiopia, Guinea-Bissau, Madagascar
Rwanda, Mahore, and Cayman,
Hong Kong, Abu Dhabi, Qatar, Yugoslavia...
Crete, Mauritania
Then Transylviania,
Monaco, Liechtenstein
Malta, and Palestine,
Fiji, Australia, Sudan.
Republic Dominican, Cuba, Carribean
Greenland, El Salvador too.
Puerto Rico, Columbia, Venezuela
Honduras, Guyana, and still,
Guatemala, Bolivia, then Argentina
And Ecuador, Chile, Brazil.
Costa Rica, Belize, Nicaragua, Bermuda
Bahamas, Tobago, San Juan,
Paraguay, Uruguay, Surinam
And French Guiana, Barbados, and Guam.
Norway, and Sweden, and Iceland, and Finland
And Germany now one piece,
Switzerland, Austria, Czechoslovakia
Italy, Turkey, and Greece.
Poland, Romania, Scotland, Albania
Ireland, Russia, Oman,
Bulgaria, Saudi Arabia
Hungary, Cyprus, Iraq, and Iran.
There's Syria, Lebanon, Israel, Jordan
Both Yemens, Kuwait, and Bahrain,
The Netherlands, Luxembourg, Belgium, and Portugal
France, England, Denmark, and Spain.
India, Pakistan, Burma, Afghanistan
Thailand, Nepal, and Bhutan,
Kampuchea, Malaysia, then Bangladesh (Asia)
And China, Korea, Japan.
Mongolia, Laos, and Tibet, Indonesia
The Philippine Islands, Taiwan,
Sri Lanka, New Guinea, Sumatra, New Zealand
Then Borneo, and Vietnam.
Tunisia, Morocco, Uganda, Angola
Zimbabwe, Djibouti, Botswana,
Mozambique, Zambia, Swaziland, Gambia
Guinea, Algeria, Ghana.
Burundi, Lesotho, and Malawi, Togo
The Spanish Sahara is gone,
Niger, Nigeria, Chad, and Liberia
Egypt, Benin, and Gabon.
Tanzania, Somalia, Kenya, and Mali
Sierra Leone, and Algiers,
Dahomey, Namibia, Senegal, Libya
Cameroon, Congo, Zaire.
Ethiopia, Guinea-Bissau, Madagascar
Rwanda, Mahore, and Cayman,
Hong Kong, Abu Dhabi, Qatar, Yugoslavia...
Crete, Mauritania
Then Transylviania,
Monaco, Liechtenstein
Malta, and Palestine,
Fiji, Australia, Sudan.
The Finger of God
When I was younger I was told if you were good and spoke to God, he could hear everything you said and asked for.
I have to admit, as a kid I asked God for several things over the years. One was to not have to wear glasses or contacts. I wanted a water slide next to my bed that would take me zooming through the house through a series of tubes that would eventually deposit me in the shower. Twice I asked for my high school football team to win the state championship. And I think over the years I asked God to help countless women fall in love with me. (Including Kathy Ireland and Margaret Thatcher. You heard me. Hotties!)
Of all the things I asked god for, guess how many prayers he answered...Nope, but good guess. The correct answer is, none. Granted, these weren't 'end world hunger' or 'let everyone live in peace' type prayers, but I figured someone else probably had those covered already.
I tried hard to figure out why God wouldn't answer my prayers. Was I not praying hard enough? Does he only listen to prayers at night that come from the foot of your bed? Does God think boys have cooties? Then it struck me. People always said, 'God would listen". They didn't say crap about him ever responding. I've really got to start paying more attention when people tell me things.
So fast forward to a lot of years later. I'm no longer a kid praying for random stuff. In fact, it is safe to safe I haven't prayed for anything. All that changed a few days ago. Have you ever had day that was so bad that halfway through the day you ask God for a reboot.? You know, a do over. That's the kind of day I was having. Within four hours of being awake my stupid phone stopped working, I was late for work, got a speeding ticket, remembered I had a movie I forgot to return (it was due like 6 days ago) and tons of other things. Each thing seemed to add more weight to my shoulders until finally I cried mercy and tapped out. Out of desperation I did something I hadn't done in decades. As rain, thunder and lightning raged around me, I closed my eyes and asked God to help. 'Just bring this day to an end and I promise to be a better person', I bargained. A moment passed before I finally opened my eyes. I felt different. Like he had heard me and everything was going to be different now.
Suddenly, lightning flashed in front of me. It was the biggest bolt of lightning I had ever seen. Then the lightning did something I had never seen before. I'm pretty sure it took the form of a giant hand that was flipping the bird, but not randomly. It appeared right in front of me after I finished praying. God...had just given me the middle finger. I suppose if you are looking for a sign about where you stand with God, that would be it. He could have just continued to ignore me, instead of being all douchie about it. Strange, you never read in the bible about God giving Moses the bird when he was angry.
Needless to say my day did not get any better. And after seeing the Finger of God, I can honestly say I did not expect it to. I did, however, take something away from that day. God may listen to everything you say and think, but sometimes it is better if he doesn't answer back. Trust me.
I have to admit, as a kid I asked God for several things over the years. One was to not have to wear glasses or contacts. I wanted a water slide next to my bed that would take me zooming through the house through a series of tubes that would eventually deposit me in the shower. Twice I asked for my high school football team to win the state championship. And I think over the years I asked God to help countless women fall in love with me. (Including Kathy Ireland and Margaret Thatcher. You heard me. Hotties!)
Of all the things I asked god for, guess how many prayers he answered...Nope, but good guess. The correct answer is, none. Granted, these weren't 'end world hunger' or 'let everyone live in peace' type prayers, but I figured someone else probably had those covered already.
I tried hard to figure out why God wouldn't answer my prayers. Was I not praying hard enough? Does he only listen to prayers at night that come from the foot of your bed? Does God think boys have cooties? Then it struck me. People always said, 'God would listen". They didn't say crap about him ever responding. I've really got to start paying more attention when people tell me things.
So fast forward to a lot of years later. I'm no longer a kid praying for random stuff. In fact, it is safe to safe I haven't prayed for anything. All that changed a few days ago. Have you ever had day that was so bad that halfway through the day you ask God for a reboot.? You know, a do over. That's the kind of day I was having. Within four hours of being awake my stupid phone stopped working, I was late for work, got a speeding ticket, remembered I had a movie I forgot to return (it was due like 6 days ago) and tons of other things. Each thing seemed to add more weight to my shoulders until finally I cried mercy and tapped out. Out of desperation I did something I hadn't done in decades. As rain, thunder and lightning raged around me, I closed my eyes and asked God to help. 'Just bring this day to an end and I promise to be a better person', I bargained. A moment passed before I finally opened my eyes. I felt different. Like he had heard me and everything was going to be different now.
Suddenly, lightning flashed in front of me. It was the biggest bolt of lightning I had ever seen. Then the lightning did something I had never seen before. I'm pretty sure it took the form of a giant hand that was flipping the bird, but not randomly. It appeared right in front of me after I finished praying. God...had just given me the middle finger. I suppose if you are looking for a sign about where you stand with God, that would be it. He could have just continued to ignore me, instead of being all douchie about it. Strange, you never read in the bible about God giving Moses the bird when he was angry.
Needless to say my day did not get any better. And after seeing the Finger of God, I can honestly say I did not expect it to. I did, however, take something away from that day. God may listen to everything you say and think, but sometimes it is better if he doesn't answer back. Trust me.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Dangers of Tanning
I have written before concerning the fact that I have two jobs. At one I make parts for motorcycles, trucks and lawn mowers. The other, I repair and fix tanning beds. Neither jobs makes me hop out of bed with excitement in the morning, but they pay the bills and keep my lizard in crickets.
It's been about two years now that I have worked at the the tanning spa. I have heard a lot of weird things and seen some even weirder things. Like when a bolt of lightning struck a pile of mashed potatoes causing it to come to life and seek fame on American Idol. Like I said, weird.
Probably the thing I hear about the most at our spas are the effects of tanning. Some people preach the positive effects of it, while others believe it is so bad for you that a few seconds of exposure will cause you to melt quicker than a chocolate Easter Bunny. And while you may think I am exaggerating on that last one, it turns out cancer is no longer the number one concern for people who tan.
In fact, a recent study conducted by the University of Wisconsin, found that people who tan are more concerned with the possibility of turning into a zombie. Yep, you heard right. Tanning is the number two highest cause for zombification.
According to Grant Sherman, Director of the Nation Health and Safety Administration, not everyone who tans will become a zombie. Only about 65% of the population is prone to this condition.
"If you tan there is no guarantee you will become a zombie. It's like if you drink a lot of pop or eat a lot of food that is bad for you," Sherman said. "There is no guarantee all your teeth will fall out or that you will have a heart attack, but it greatly increases your odds."
There are a few precautions one can take when tanning to avoid turning into a zombie. Number one is never eat after midnight; two is avoid water and three is stay out of direct sun light.
We all want to look the best we can. It is true that a nice deep tan is much more appealing to the opposite sex than looking like Casper the Friendly Ghost. I just wonder if looking just a little bit sexier is worth the possibility I might end up wandering the streets moaning "Brains" for the rest of my life. Yeah, I may look good, but if there is a chance I might eat your brains, I'm sure that's going to affect the amount of dates I get.
I guess I'm still on the fence about the whole tanning thing, but at least now I know the facts. And knowing is half the battle, G.I. Joe.
It's been about two years now that I have worked at the the tanning spa. I have heard a lot of weird things and seen some even weirder things. Like when a bolt of lightning struck a pile of mashed potatoes causing it to come to life and seek fame on American Idol. Like I said, weird.
Probably the thing I hear about the most at our spas are the effects of tanning. Some people preach the positive effects of it, while others believe it is so bad for you that a few seconds of exposure will cause you to melt quicker than a chocolate Easter Bunny. And while you may think I am exaggerating on that last one, it turns out cancer is no longer the number one concern for people who tan.
In fact, a recent study conducted by the University of Wisconsin, found that people who tan are more concerned with the possibility of turning into a zombie. Yep, you heard right. Tanning is the number two highest cause for zombification.
According to Grant Sherman, Director of the Nation Health and Safety Administration, not everyone who tans will become a zombie. Only about 65% of the population is prone to this condition. "If you tan there is no guarantee you will become a zombie. It's like if you drink a lot of pop or eat a lot of food that is bad for you," Sherman said. "There is no guarantee all your teeth will fall out or that you will have a heart attack, but it greatly increases your odds."
There are a few precautions one can take when tanning to avoid turning into a zombie. Number one is never eat after midnight; two is avoid water and three is stay out of direct sun light.
We all want to look the best we can. It is true that a nice deep tan is much more appealing to the opposite sex than looking like Casper the Friendly Ghost. I just wonder if looking just a little bit sexier is worth the possibility I might end up wandering the streets moaning "Brains" for the rest of my life. Yeah, I may look good, but if there is a chance I might eat your brains, I'm sure that's going to affect the amount of dates I get.
I guess I'm still on the fence about the whole tanning thing, but at least now I know the facts. And knowing is half the battle, G.I. Joe.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Reality Woes
Living with people you hate. Dating 20 people at the same time. Wanting people to keep up with you. Drinking, fighting and having sex. Eating very little except for the occasional plate full of icky insects.
No, this blog is not going to point out the highlights of a typical high school student. It's the 'hooks' and 'game changers' networks use to get us to give up an hour or two of our day to watch their reality based programming.
I will be the first to proudly admit that I do not devote what little tv viewing time I have to reality tv. Sure it means I'll never know exactly what football team Snookie is currently hooking up with this week, or what swell guy received the rose and what loser is balling his eyes out over love lost in the back of a limo. It's a sacrifice true, but one I was willing to make... Until now.
While watching my favorite tv show, Pudding and Popcorn, I saw a promo for the upcoming season of Survivor. I cried out a defiant "Nope!", and grabbed for the remote, but I wasn't fast enough. Just as my finger pressed the next channel button i heard," This season Survivor goes to the Island of Doctor Moreau." My smile was replaced by a long, sad sigh and with the realization that I would be spending the next couple months at tribal councils and watching alliances form and crumble.
In past seasons, Survivor has always taken place where contestants mights have to deal with the occasional spider or giant-yet-to-be-classified bug. No true danger. However, slipping ratings have caused producers to push the envelope a little.
The Island of Doctor Mo]reau is located in the middle of nowhere and is uninhabited...by humans, sort of. For years the island was home to a mad geneticist who created dozens of new species. There are piranha the size of tigers, snakes that can swallow elephants whole and animal/human hybrids.
The only bright side of this show is that the odds are fairly good, the majority of the contestants won't make it to a tribal council... or home. Which means no one will show up on another reality show trying for another 15 minutes of fame.
The good news is the show only runs for three months, but now that I am part of the 'reality culture' I will have to educate my friends on the rules. Just like horror films and dating, reality tv has its own set of rules. The most important of which is, 'don't talk about what happened on last nights show in front of me'. Other standard rules such as 'don't call me when my show is on' and 'hate who i hate on the show' apply as well.
I promise that as soon as three months are up I will never watch another reality show again...Unless Mtv likes my audition tape for their new show, the Real World - Road Rules - Potato Vampire Slayer Challenge. Although technically, I'm not watching it.
No, this blog is not going to point out the highlights of a typical high school student. It's the 'hooks' and 'game changers' networks use to get us to give up an hour or two of our day to watch their reality based programming.
I will be the first to proudly admit that I do not devote what little tv viewing time I have to reality tv. Sure it means I'll never know exactly what football team Snookie is currently hooking up with this week, or what swell guy received the rose and what loser is balling his eyes out over love lost in the back of a limo. It's a sacrifice true, but one I was willing to make... Until now.
While watching my favorite tv show, Pudding and Popcorn, I saw a promo for the upcoming season of Survivor. I cried out a defiant "Nope!", and grabbed for the remote, but I wasn't fast enough. Just as my finger pressed the next channel button i heard," This season Survivor goes to the Island of Doctor Moreau." My smile was replaced by a long, sad sigh and with the realization that I would be spending the next couple months at tribal councils and watching alliances form and crumble.
In past seasons, Survivor has always taken place where contestants mights have to deal with the occasional spider or giant-yet-to-be-classified bug. No true danger. However, slipping ratings have caused producers to push the envelope a little. The Island of Doctor Mo]reau is located in the middle of nowhere and is uninhabited...by humans, sort of. For years the island was home to a mad geneticist who created dozens of new species. There are piranha the size of tigers, snakes that can swallow elephants whole and animal/human hybrids.
The only bright side of this show is that the odds are fairly good, the majority of the contestants won't make it to a tribal council... or home. Which means no one will show up on another reality show trying for another 15 minutes of fame.
The good news is the show only runs for three months, but now that I am part of the 'reality culture' I will have to educate my friends on the rules. Just like horror films and dating, reality tv has its own set of rules. The most important of which is, 'don't talk about what happened on last nights show in front of me'. Other standard rules such as 'don't call me when my show is on' and 'hate who i hate on the show' apply as well.
I promise that as soon as three months are up I will never watch another reality show again...Unless Mtv likes my audition tape for their new show, the Real World - Road Rules - Potato Vampire Slayer Challenge. Although technically, I'm not watching it.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Cheetos Responsible for 'Monster' Rabbits
 |
| Plow with his 5 foot tall rabbits. |
According to Peter Plow, the farmer, he has been trying to breed the perfect rabbit for years. "In my eyes the perfect rabbit has fur as soft as cotton, a cute wiggly nose, is smarter than most humans and will be full of love."
For over 40 years he has been trying to achieve his dream, and no matter how close he came, he always felt as if something was missing. Leaving him feeling sad and disappointed. Plow no longer is sad or disappointed.
Today he is the proud owner of several rabbits who have more than fulfilled his dream. The rabbits possess everything Plow wanted them to. Not to mention they range in length from 5 to 8 feet long.
When asked how he was able to get his rabbits to grow so big, Plow needed a little coaxing but eventually revealed his secret. Cheetos. Yep, you heard right.
"One day I was cleaning their cages and eating some crunchy Cheetos when I swear of a wolfbat... that's a wolf head on the body of a bat...tried to lift me up by the hair. While I was swinging at the wolfbat, a bunch of Cheetos fell into one of the rabbit cages. A few days later when I went back to clean its cage again, the rabbit had grown an entire foot." Plow related the origin of his 'Mega' Rabbit with a smile that never wavered.
More surprising is the fact that, Plow says that the rabbits growth doesn't seem to have limitations. It seems that all Plow has to do is put a few Cheetos in the cage and over the next couple days the rabbit will grow at least another foot.
While some governmental figures have expressed concern that Plow might accidentally drop a Family Size bag of Cheetos into a cage causing the rabbit to grow large enough to go on a Godzilla style rampage, the majority of Morris, Illinois, have fallen in love with the giant bundles of fur.
When asked what he sees in his future, Plow tells how he just finished watching Avatar, and he would like to create rabbits big enough that they could be used as a mode of transportation like in the movie. Sort of like horses but able to cover more ground at a much faster pace. Plus they can hop. How cool is that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)