Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Tear It Up Clothing

  Riddle me, this my cunning blog reading friends. What do you get when you combine a guy who is more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt with a guy who has to dress up more now than in his entire life?

  Some would say you get a really happy woman, because you know that’s the only thing that would get him to dress up. And nothing says I like you more than showing up to your girlfriend’s friend’s baptism in a suit rather than acid washed jeans with the knees tore out and a denim vest.

  The people guessing that would be so close. So very, very close. Too bad we all know ‘close’ only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and farting.


  If you want to know the true answer to the riddle, you only have to wait until June… because that’s when I’ll be releasing my new business/ casual/ sports clothing line called, Tear It Up Clothing.

  That's right. I'm a fashion designer now. And do you know why I'm a fashion designer?

  (Pause for a series of wrong guesses.) 

  Nope. Those were all good guesses, but the real reason is that dress clothes are the most uncomfortable things to wear. And they take forever to get in and out of. They're like evil Chinese Finger Cuffs of Death. The more you struggle, the tighter they get.

  So, even when you do finally manage to get out of church or escape from that long boring wedding, its still going to take you at least 15 minutes to work your way out of all those buttons, straps, fasteners and belts.

  By the time you finally manage to get completely out of your dress clothes it will be too late. The beaches will have closed, the sun will have set and someone will have turned on all those sparkling Christmas lights in the night sky.

  To me that is just way too much free time to let slip through the cracks. That, my friends, is the main reason why I am now a fashion designer, and why my clothing line will be such a tremendous success.

  Tear It Up Clothing combines the tear away technology first developed and used by athletes and strippers with well tailored suits and our old helpful friend, Velcro.

  Still having trouble wrapping your mind around this amazing concept. I get it. Its a lot to take in. Let me paint you a little picture.

  You've been sitting in church for at least eight hours. You witnessed two baptisms, a wedding and what you think was an exorcism. You've already lost half the day, but its so nice outside that you and girlfriend want to still do something. Maybe go hiking or biking or nude sun bathing or whatever makes you happy in the fresh air and sun. The problem is there are no bathrooms you can use to change your clothes and you live thirty minutes from the church so you don't want to go back home to change and lose even more outdoor time. So, what do you do?

  Its so simple its crazy when you have on your Tear It Up suit. Here's what you do.

     Step One:  Make sure other members of your  church can see you.

     Step Two:  Clear your throat loudly. If people still aren't looking call out, "Sexy man about to undress over here." That will for sure get their attention. 

     Step Three: Now that all eyes are on you, slowly and seductively bend over and grab each pant leg. Take a deep breath and then as you cry out "Ta-Da!" tear away both of your pant legs. You will now be left with a pair of comfortable and very fashionable shorts with perfect butt pockets.

     Step Four: Time to get rid of that jacket. This is done in just a few steps. Start by tearing off both sleeves. They will separate easily at the shoulders. Next, give that collar a good tug. It will come off taking that expensive Armani tie with it. Yep, they're attached for your convenience. Finally, grab the the dress shirt and lapels of your jacket where they meet in the center of your chest and pull. The jacket and dress shirt will fall away revealing whatever cool graphic tee you have on.

     Step Five: Take time to absorb all the 'oohs' and 'ahhs'. Don't forget to wave. Remember... you just became a hero to these people. Act the part.

     Step Six:  Change your shoes and socks then hit the road.

  All of this will take place in the span of ONLY three minutes. Now that is a suit that every man can get behind. Not only is it comfortable and makes you look good, but it gets you ready for the rest of the adventures you have planned for the day.

  Tear It Up suits cost between $150 to $700 and come in wide selection of sizes and colors. We even do customized orders. So, if you want a TARDIS or your girlfriend's face on your suit... we can do that. 

  We are currently taking pre-orders. Hurry! Supplies are limited (for now). So call and get yours now. Operators are standing by.