Best Presents Ever

  I hope everyone had a happy holiday.  This time of year it is really easy to let all the work and family stress overwhelm you until you are nothing but a big ball of Grinchy goo.

  Its because of all this stress that sometimes people just get overwhelmed and run out of time to shop so they go with a gift card or just put some money in an envelope.  Which I have nothing against,  but this year I was given two presents that someone put a lot of thought and live into and that made them quite possibly the best presents I have ever received.

  Both of these amazing presents were given to me by my girlfriend. And I know some of you are thinking, 'Of course she got you cool gifts. That's what a girlfriend is supposed to do.' But I can tell you from my experience that is not always the case. More often than not, people will  buy something just so they can cross a name off their list. Sure it might be a cool gift,  but does it have any meaning behind it.

  The first gift my girlfriend gave me was a set of three ornaments. Which is really awesome because I had been looking for the perfect ornament to put on our Christmas tree. I wanted to be something special that somehow tied into this being the first Christmas my girlfriend and I spent together. So, years down the road when we hang the ornament up we can both smile and reflect.

  The ornaments were snowmen and Christmas trees with little picture frames in the center done in a style that I can't really describe but I like. And to be honest, I'm including a picture, so you can see for yourself. Inside the picture frame of one of the snowmen, she had written, "V + J: 2013".

  Sure it was such a simple thing, but it meant so much. She could have got anything at all and I would have been happy. However, by giving me those ornaments it not only shows she put a lot of thought into her gift, but also that our first Christmas together was special to her as well.

The Perfect Ornament 

  The second gift she gave was a drawing of a giant pair of pants and on a Post-It Note, two stick figures. The boy stick figures asks the girl "Are these my size?" and the girl responds with a loud "No".

  What does these mean besides being a cool piece of art? It means my girlfriend thinks my pants are too big. Which is true. You can't argue with the truth.

I have issues with buying the right size pants

  The picture is also a promise of an adventure. One day we will go out into this crazy world in search of a pair of pants that will fit me and whatever happens along the way happens. It is probably one the greatest gifts anyone has ever given me just for the sheer fact of how creative it was and the story behind it.  I have it framed and every time I look at it I think how lucky I am and get a big dopey smile on my face.

  Based on just the amazing time I have spent with my girlfriend and these two incredible gifts alone, this has been the best Christmas I have had in years.

Thank you

Happy New Year 2014

The Truth Is Out There... Just Not In There

  Did you know that Michelle Obama is sick of the President's cheating ways or that aliens are building a strip mall in Nevada or that the guys from Duck Dynasty are really Russian spies?

  Up until ten minutes ago neither did I. But that all changed as soon as my mom went out to the mail box and saw her latest issue of the National Enquirer had come.

  Growing up that magazine and  others like it were my mom's main source of news. She quoted alleged facts from those tabloids to me all the time as a kid.
And people wonder why I had a hard time in school.

     Teacher: Jim... who shot JFK?
     Me: A secret shadow organization made up of aliens and corrupt highly positioned government officials.

  Needless to say, I'm pretty sure my history teachers would have paid a pretty penny to figure out where I was getting my 'facts' from.

  While my mom continued to constantly tout these tabloids as being the only news sources brave enough to risk printing the truth, I was finally starting to question how legitimate their sources were. 

  For instance,  I remember one story reported how an alien space craft had teleported the entire state of Texas into their ship and replaced all the  humans with identical alien -  human hybrids. That was the article that finally made me go "Really?".

  It wasn't too long after I decided these articles were fake that my mom stopped sharing her little ' facts ' and I stopped seeing them laying around the house.

  At the time I assumed my mom had arrived at the same conclusion I had and placed a secret ban barring all tabloids from being in her home.

  Turns out she had just started keeping them under her bed because she didn't want to have to keep defending them.

  I guess now-a-days she could care less what people think because the National  Enquirer and the Star magazines are all over her house.  Actually,  if you can find a surface in her house that isn't covered by them then you should give Ripley's Believe It or  Not a call.

  When she not only started quoting 'facts' from those tabloids again but also told me she had subscriptions to them, I almost went into shock. 

  I wanted to shake her until she came to get senses and realized these tabloids were nothing but lies. But I figured what difference does it really make if she wants to believe those stories are real.

  So... I took a deep breath and asked her what else was new in the news.  After about 15 minutes of listening to story after story, I came to the conclusion that only about 3% of what she told me was probably true. The rest was probably made up by a bunch of college kids while smoking a huge amount of pot and watching late night tv.

  Ohhh.... Now she is telling me that Miley Cyrus is a creature from outer space with the all-to-cliche dream of ruling the world. Hmmm. That one could be true.

 

 
 

 

The Reasons I Need A Vacation After My Christmas Vacation

  It is important that before I start this post that I preface it by saying I really, really do like and love my family. However, that being said... I am so ready to get away from these crazy people and go back to Wisconsin for a little peace and quiet. 

  I should point out that most visits to see my family in Illinois aren't that bad.  Its just these holiday ones that tend to be a little bit challenging.  Especially when Amanda's side of the family comes to town. Oh, in case I haven't mentioned it in the past,  Amanda is my brother 's wife. 

  Her side of the family decided to descend upon our little town in two waves.  The first one consisted of Amanda's sister and her two kids. One of which, I am pretty sure, is the Son of Satan.  The second wave will arrive on Saturday or Sunday and brings with it Amanda's mom and three of her cousins.  

  As you can probably guess,  that many people crammed into two houses can cause tensions to occasionally run high. And good luck finding some place quiet.  Believe me, I have tried. 

  One time when my girlfriend called,  I had to switch rooms six times just to find some quiet time.

  You may be wondering what could cause me to flee the welcoming arms of my family after just two days with them. 

  

  Here are just a few examples of what has happened so far. I didn't put the examples in any particular order or arrange them by dates simply because some of the things have happened every day and often more than once.

  1. With in a few minutes of being around the Son of Satan, he charged me and jumped up on to me. When he did this,  his knee connected with my jaw and shattered my tooth. So that right there... major ouchie. I dare you to find a dentist on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. 

  2. My brother is constantly complaining about how unfair it was for A&E to fire that guy on Duck Dynasty. And how he was let back on the show because everyone was returning the merchandise they bought as a form of protest. He even has conspiracy theories as to why the guy was really fired. I've listened to three of these speeches so far and I still can't even tell you the name of the guy who was fired or say I  honestly care that he was. 

  3.  My mom's police and fire department scanner has become like fingers on a chalk board to me. The scanner is at one end of the house and the bedrooms are at the other,  and even with my door closed I can still hear that thing. And what is worse is if my mom recognizes a street or a name,  she immediately comes to get me so I can hear what is happening and listen to her speculations about why it is happening. Honestly, unless the house I am currently in is on fire, I could care less what that screeching box has to say. I'm just trying to resist hitting it with a hammer. 

  4. All I hear through out the year from my niece is how she misses her cousin, Jarrod (aka the Son of Satan) and how much she wishes she could play with him. Which is so sweet and cute... Until you actually get them together.  Then all that sweetness and cuteness gets replaced with screaming, tattling and crying. Some of their favorite complaints are: one accusing the other of not sharing toys, playing with a toy that the other was just about to pick up, accusations by both of them involving cheating at Candy Land and Hungry Hungry Hippo and their favorite, she/he said it would be my turn next but she/he isn't giving me my turn. However,  as soon as you separate them for more than five minutes, they go back to missing each other.

  5. My mom keeps blocking in my car so I'm stuck at the house and can't go anywhere. She keeps saying she accidentally does it but I think she does it so she isn't the only one left alone with all the craziness.

  6. I don't like chicken or turkey or tomatoes. Most people just accept this as a weird quirk of mine and move on. Everyone that is except for anyone on Amanda's side of the family. Every time one of them cooks something with one of the above ingredients I politely decline explaining I'm not a big fan of turkey, chicken or tomatoes. And instead of them moving on, they try to convince me that they make the best chicken in the world and if I just ate a little of it I would start to love chicken. Because in 40 years,  no one has ever tried to get me to eat chicken or turkey or handed me a tomato fresh off the vine and told me it would be delicious. The only person who has any hope of getting me to try something I don't like is my girlfriend. 

  At the moment I am savoring the silent room I found and the conversation I just had with my girlfriend. That woman is completely amazing and talking to her always helps me smile.

  So armed with that smile and a little quiet, I will throw open the door and trek to the kitchen.  What evils I shall encounter along the way I can't be sure.  All I do know is there is some upside down pineapple cake in the fridge,  and I am super hungry. Wish me luck.

  

  

  

  

  
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sad Hulk

Santa Wakes Up

Merry Christmas

That 's Not A Wrap

  There are a lot of great things that go along with the holiday season.  You get a chance to spend time with family,  friends and loved ones. If you are lucky enough to get some snow,  you could make a snowman or have a snowball fight. And of course, there are presents.

  I love giving things to people.  So much so that sometimes I might go a little overboard. But its not my fault.  When I see things that remind me of people I know, I tend to go ahead and buy them.

  The only problem is... I am the worst present wrapper in the world. No matter how hard I try, my presents always end up looking like a bear with two left hands wrapped them.

  Don't believe me. Check out these examples of my skill. Or lack there of.

Going Rogue At The Company Dinner

  Through out our long and crazy history, people have always found ways to keep the chaos that is life at bay.

  Whether it be using a burnt stick to mark on a cave wall how many apples you lent to the cute but loud couple in the cave next door or charting the constellations to see if you should ask out that girl you saw in the market or downloading that app that helps to keep all your contacts backed up, people will always find a way to make things organized.

  That is why I am a big fan of the list. A list is such a simple thing, yet the help it provides is beyond measure. They take up very little space, all your thoughts are easily accessed and you can jam it in your pocket and go. Also, my favorite part of a list is being able to check things off of it.

  During the holidays, lists are literally my lifesavers. Without a list there is a pretty good chance my brother won't get a present or my niece would get the same exact toy I bought her last year for Christmas. Do you know how hard it is to try and explain why Santa Claus brought the same present two years in a row? It's not as easy as you might think.

  Lists even found their way to my job. Every year around Christmas time, my boss, Larry, takes around a sign up list for the annual Christmas party. This way the company gets a fairly accurate count of how many people are attending the party. It also helps to ensure two people don't bring the exact same thing. At least, it theoretically should have.

  I was a little late to the party because I had decided to call my girlfriend and talk to her for a bit. She had been working some insanely busy hours as of late, and I just wanted to tell her good night before she went to bed. So, by the time I made it to the party, everyone would already be eating.

  As I walked to the break room my mouth started to water a little from all the food I remembered seeing on the list. There was going to be ham and southwestern spaghetti, all sorts of pasta salads, desserts and the such. Last year there was so much food, people were able to not only get seconds but a pretty healthy serving of thirds as well.

  I pushed open the break room doors like an old west gun fighter who just entered the local saloon. My eyes quickly scanned the room until they found the food table. The first thing I noticed was a large ham with pineapple rings around it. It looked so delicious. I was going to take a big helping of that followed by...my eyes drifted down the table in a growing disbelief... followed by baked beans. And baked beans. More baked beans. Baked beans. Baked beans... and finally some kind of marshmallowy thing.

  Literally, there was a total of 8 baked beans on the table. There was no southwestern spaghetti or pasta salads, and the only dessert looked as is it might have come from another planet or escaped from some secret government testing facility.

  What was this? How did this happen? There was a list. I saw the list. There was only one person who had been marked down for bringing in baked beans. Confused, I cut a few slices of ham and took some baked beans. I passed on the mutant marshmallow creature and found a spot to sit next to the guy who was supposed to bring in the southwestern spaghetti. I needed to know what had occurred that caused everyone to go rogue and abandon their original choices.

  As a guy who works several jobs I find I have become very adept at pulling information from people in a gentle and friendly manner. This is basically how the conversation went:

  Kevin: Hey. Where were you at? Foods almost all gone.
  Me:  Yeah speaking of food, where the heck is that southwestern spaghetti at you have been bragging all week about.
  Kevin:  Ran out of time, so I just stopped at store and picked up some baked beans from the deli. It looks like a few other people had the same idea as me.

  And that was pretty much the same reason everyone else gave as to why there were enough baked beans on the food table to make manually inflating a hot air balloon seem possible.

  I know it seems like maybe I am making too big of a deal out of this, but I find it hard to believe this lack of list etiquette isn't bothering other people as well. After all, the point of the list was to ensure there were lots of different foods to choose from. Not to see if we could break the world record for the amount of baked beans that can fit on one table.

  This year, I suppose, there is little I can do about the baked bean situation this year except try to avoid anyone who went back for second and thirds until we are outside in the fresh air... but next year, oh next year my friends, there will be consequences from going rogue.

  Perhaps the company would allow us to ban baked beans outright or maybe some form of suspension without pay would be more appropriate. I guess we will just have to wait and see what the company would be willing to do and how firm of a stance they are willing to take.

  Now if you will excuse me I am going to see if the vending machine upstairs has any cookies, because I am not going near that marshmallow stuff with out a sword and the head of Medusa to protect me.

 

Things I Thought About While I Was On My Lunch Break

1.  Hong Kong Phooey is the Billie Dee Williams of cartoon characters.

2.  Is the Bigfoot in the 'Messing With Sasquatch' commercials related to the Bigfoot in 'Harry and the Hendersons'.

3.  My girlfriend.  (I would like to point out that these are in no particular order. )

4.  How has Santa never been brought up on breaking and entering charges?

5.  How do we know for sure that in the entire world, no two snowflakes are alike? I would like to see the research.

6.  How  does one go about finding a good pie fight?

Doctor Who Memes

  Ever since the 50th Anniversary episode of Doctor Who aired, the web has been flooded with all sorts of memes and art work.

  I picked out a few of my favorites to share with you. 

Just Plane Fun

  Okay, its official. The holidays are firmly upon us. Which means only one thing... travel. Whether it be by planes, trains or automobiles,  a recent survey conducted by the Souffle Institute discovered that 75% of the population are going somewhere.

  In my opinion having to travel by car or train is the way to go. Sure these modes of transport may not be the fastest,  but at least you have some say in what you can do.

  Cars, obviously, provide the most opportunity for freedom when it comes to travelling. The route you take, the music you listen to, the number of times you pull over and most importantly, the person who sits next to you is completely up to you. 

  Trains may not offer the same freedom that cars do, but you can still get away with quite a bit. For instance, you can get up and walk around whenever you want. And not just in your train car. You can walk from the front of the train all the way to the back if you want. Some trains even have snack or dinner cars in case you get hungry.

  Planes, in my opinion, are the least fun way to travel. Pretty much the only thing you have control over is whether you listen to your iPod or watch something on whatever it is you use to watch things while on the go.

  Also, You can only move around when they tell you you can. Which the last time I flew was for only a grand total of 15 minutes. Granted the plane had almost dropped out of the sky twice...but still.

  Not to mention all the fun of going to the airport. That place is nothing but security checks, long lines and angry people.

  If I can, I definitely try to avoid flying at all costs. Sadly, sometimes having to fly is just unavoidable.

  That's why over the last few years, I have come up with a few tricks to make flying a little bit more enjoyable.

Things to do at the terminal

- Those conveyor belt/ flat escalators can be a lot of fun. As soon as I get on it, I like to strike the Captain Morgan pose and see how long I can hold it without toppling over. Another fun thing to do is wait till you are about half way across then just start running in place. After a few moments yell out, 'Jane!!! Get me off this crazy thing.

- Another fun toy... I mean tool... airports have is the motorized luggage transport. You know the little golf cart looking thing. If you can manage to find one of these with the keys still in them grab it. Whenever I can obtain one, I like to pull a toga over my clothes and just drive it around the airport like it is my own personal chariot, waving to people and demanding that they bow.

- Checking in can be fun too. While they are processing all your stuff ask them if that ufo has come back. After they respond with a confused look and most likely, 'what?', just keep talking. Tell them you heard a big ufo was spotted over the airport and after it left two people were discovered missing.

-  Getting pulled aside by security for one of their random checks can even offer a chance for fun. Just as the person is about to frisk you,  in your softest bedroom voice say, 'wait...wait...do you have protection'.

- Even that horrible purgatory known as the waiting area can be fun. Find a row of 5 or more seats then ask people if they want to play musical chairs.

Things To Do On The Plane

- Pull that inflatable beach ball out of your carry on, blow it up and see how long you and your fellow passangers can keep it up in the air.

- Don't like the person sitting next to you, that one is pretty easy to fix and have fun with. One thing I do is tell the person I'm sitting next to that I had some really bad mexican food to eat and that my stomach is so not happy. The other is to tell the person that when you drink you get really handsy then immediately order two drinks.

- If you see one of the pilots ask them if they would mind taking a breathalyzer test.

- Try to get everyone to sing, Row Row Your Boat in the round.

- If the person sitting next to you is really annoying, just quickly stand up anf yell, 'how dare you!' Then throw a drink in the person's face. You will get a new seat right away.

  I have a few other suggestions that while fun to do... could lead to you being asked to leave the plane or being barred from ever flying again. So, I'll keep those to myself... except for this one.

- Wait in front of the cabin door, then as soon as it opens turn away, drop your pants and bent over a little and while shaking your half exposed sing out, 'Booty. Booty. Booty.'

  Follow these tips and great fun will be had by all. Or at the very least, by you.