When I was younger I would go camping and do outdoorsy stuff all the time. As I grew older and started watching horror films and tv, I realized how dangerous those activities could really be. By the age of 15, I had these rules in place. They have always served me well in the past and helped me to make it home in one piece.
Being that Memorial weekend is almost upon us, I thought I would be a good Samaritan and share these rules to help others out. They might seem a little crazy, but by following these simple rules, the life you save could be your own.
RULES FOR NOT DYING
1. Never go camping or exploring at any place with the name Crystal Lake in it. Most likely there will be a psycho unstoppable killing machine somewhere.
2. Never go into any lake, stream or river unless you observe the water for three hours and in that time no one dies. Fact: 80% of the bodies of water are home to some type of prehistoric or mutant monster.
3. Never stay anywhere there is a crazy elderly person standing in a parking lot yelling "you are all going to die!!!". He obviously knows something that you don't.
4. Never go camping or exploring if there is a store that sells both machetes and hockey masks within a 20 mile radius of where you will be going. These items should never be sold together. It can only lend to trouble.
5. Never go anywhere without first googling where you are going. This will let you know if there have been any murders or insane mountain families in the same area.
6. Never go anywhere that is near a cemetery or any ancient burial ground. Ghosts can be bitchy.
7. Never go anywhere that looks like someone has used it for devil worshipping or to summon something. Eventually someone is going succeed.
8. Never play with a Ouija board. Sure things can get a little boring and a Ouija board seems like a fun way to lighten things up. Just ask yourself this. Will it still be fun when you get possessed and start killing everyone.
9. Never open or read from any books bound in human skin and/or written in blood. It's just can't be a good idea.
10. Never go swimming where someone accidentally drowned because the counselors were making out or as a result of a prank. As I stated before, ghosts can be bitchy.
11. Never approach or attempt to feed Bigfoot. Contrary to popular belief, he is not shy or friendly. He will gladly tear your arms off and beat you with them.
12. Never go some place that reports a high number of recently opened graves and coffins laying about. It's usually a good sign of zombie or vampire activity.
13. Never try to just out run a zombie. They will eventually catch up to you. Instead, try tripping a friend. That should buy you a little time.
14. Never go inside a cave. There is either something freaky already living there or you will accidentally cause a cave in and release some monster that has been long thought dead.
15. Never go anywhere that has a privately funded genetics lab. Where do you think things like Mega Piranhas, Dinosharks and Crocosaurus come from.
16. Never stay at a cabin with its own tool shed. 8 chainsaws and a room full of sharp and pointy tools should be enough of a warning sign for anyone.
17. Never go in the basement of your cabin. There's always going to be a secret room or a hole to hell in the floor.
18. Never stay where a bunch of college kids are drinking and doing drugs. You may not die, but if you get close enough you'll probably catch an STD.
19. Never discount the validity of a camp fire story. They are normally like 90% factual.
20. Never make eye contact with a creature four feet or taller. It will eat you.
There are a few other rules, but I think these are the most important ones. Have a good Memorial Weekend people and be safe. Remember, any vacation can be fun as long as you follow the rules.
4. Never go camping or exploring if there is a store that sells both machetes and hockey masks within a 20 mile radius of where you will be going. These items should never be sold together. It can only lend to trouble.
5. Never go anywhere without first googling where you are going. This will let you know if there have been any murders or insane mountain families in the same area.
6. Never go anywhere that is near a cemetery or any ancient burial ground. Ghosts can be bitchy.
7. Never go anywhere that looks like someone has used it for devil worshipping or to summon something. Eventually someone is going succeed.
8. Never play with a Ouija board. Sure things can get a little boring and a Ouija board seems like a fun way to lighten things up. Just ask yourself this. Will it still be fun when you get possessed and start killing everyone.
9. Never open or read from any books bound in human skin and/or written in blood. It's just can't be a good idea.
10. Never go swimming where someone accidentally drowned because the counselors were making out or as a result of a prank. As I stated before, ghosts can be bitchy.
11. Never approach or attempt to feed Bigfoot. Contrary to popular belief, he is not shy or friendly. He will gladly tear your arms off and beat you with them.
12. Never go some place that reports a high number of recently opened graves and coffins laying about. It's usually a good sign of zombie or vampire activity.
13. Never try to just out run a zombie. They will eventually catch up to you. Instead, try tripping a friend. That should buy you a little time.
14. Never go inside a cave. There is either something freaky already living there or you will accidentally cause a cave in and release some monster that has been long thought dead.
15. Never go anywhere that has a privately funded genetics lab. Where do you think things like Mega Piranhas, Dinosharks and Crocosaurus come from.
16. Never stay at a cabin with its own tool shed. 8 chainsaws and a room full of sharp and pointy tools should be enough of a warning sign for anyone.
17. Never go in the basement of your cabin. There's always going to be a secret room or a hole to hell in the floor.
18. Never stay where a bunch of college kids are drinking and doing drugs. You may not die, but if you get close enough you'll probably catch an STD.
19. Never discount the validity of a camp fire story. They are normally like 90% factual.
20. Never make eye contact with a creature four feet or taller. It will eat you.
There are a few other rules, but I think these are the most important ones. Have a good Memorial Weekend people and be safe. Remember, any vacation can be fun as long as you follow the rules.
