To be honest, this post would have been perfect for Memorial Day, because it reveals how they have drawn the battle lines. They have hidden themselves everywhere, and often attack when I'm sleeping.
I've tried to reach a peaceful solution, I really did. They just kept coming and taking more and more territory.
Finally, I was left with no other option, but to set aside my humanity and answer their declaration of war. Over the last few weeks I fought back with everything I had. I took the lives of at least a dozen of their soldiers, but still they continued their invasion. I've given this war everything I have, and while I refuse to give up and surrender, I find myself having to admit... they are winning. The crickets are taking over.
Yep, you heard right. I said, crickets. What? You think just because they are crickets, it makes this war less meaningful. Let me tell you, crickets are vicious and care only about themselves.
I suppose the real question you are asking yourself is how did all these crickets end up in my apartment in the first place. It all began with a sand demon who wears his heart on his sleeve.
In October I purchased a little bearded dragon. The idea was to decorate his cage in a dessert theme, so I thought an appropriate name would be Gaara. Loosely translated it means "demon who wears his heart on his sleeve."
When I first bought Gaara, he only ate about 20 to 30 crickets a day. And those crickets were really small. I think they called them pin size. So every couple days i would buy about a hundred crickets. When they are small like that all you need is a little cricket cage and you never have to worry about them getting away. Sadly, Gaara continued to grow, and now he eats about 50 to 70 crickets a day. That amount of crickets would cost a lot of money if you were to buy them from a place like Petsmart. One weeks worth of crickets would cost you about $50. Not wanting to spend $200 a month in crickets, I went online and found a website that allows you to buy 2,000 of them for $12. A much better deal. Sure they are sold out of some government lab in Nevada, but at the time I figured who cares. I was saving money.
For a while everything was still okay. I did have to buy a bigger cage but it seemed to be doing a good job of containing them. That was until one day I was feeding Gaara and eating a corn dog at the same time. I might have dropped a few bits of corn dog in the cricket cage. Like Piranha the crickets swarmed over the corn dog bits, devouring them in seconds.
A few days later, I came home from work and saw the lid to the cricket cage open. I also noticed my crickets seemed to be bigger. Over the next few days I kept finding more and more crickets in my apartment and also noticed they were now about 7 inches long.
This didn't seem right. So I did something no one would do in this day and age. I called the company and asked them why my crickets are getting close to being able to attack Tokyo. They told me some stuff about the crickets being part of an experimental breed, and that when they eat breaded meat it causes a rapid mutation. They offered no solution except to buy some bug spray. I tried that. The crickets came up to me, took the can out of my hands and sprayed me in the face with it. I even tried extreme cold, but all the crickets did was go skiing down all the furniture and ice skating in the bathroom sink.
For weeks now our battle was raged. Neither side able to gain an advantage. That is until I realized why those mutant crickets were able to hold their own. Not only were they big but there was literally thousands of them. I know I only started with two thousand crickets, but in their mutated form, the crickets breed like nympho rabbits.
The crickets had become too big for Gaara to eat, so whenever I had the chance, I would crush them up and then feed them to Gaara. As the weeks and war went on, I noticed Gaara was starting to grow bigger too. Instead of a normal sized bearded dragon, mine was about four to five feet long. So big in fact he could stand on his hind legs and look out a window. It took me a while to realize that whatever chemicals were present in the crickets that made them grow to ginormous sizes must have been absorbed by Gaara when he ate them.
Finally the sides were a little more even. I'm actually able to sleep at night since Gaara can patrol the apartment. The war has slightly shifted to our favor, but the crickets were still growing and getting braver. I can't say how this will end, but I will warn you to be careful when buying crickets online. Always make sure your crickets are from a non-governmental secret test facility, and never ever ever feed them corn dogs.
Wish me luck.
In October I purchased a little bearded dragon. The idea was to decorate his cage in a dessert theme, so I thought an appropriate name would be Gaara. Loosely translated it means "demon who wears his heart on his sleeve."
When I first bought Gaara, he only ate about 20 to 30 crickets a day. And those crickets were really small. I think they called them pin size. So every couple days i would buy about a hundred crickets. When they are small like that all you need is a little cricket cage and you never have to worry about them getting away. Sadly, Gaara continued to grow, and now he eats about 50 to 70 crickets a day. That amount of crickets would cost a lot of money if you were to buy them from a place like Petsmart. One weeks worth of crickets would cost you about $50. Not wanting to spend $200 a month in crickets, I went online and found a website that allows you to buy 2,000 of them for $12. A much better deal. Sure they are sold out of some government lab in Nevada, but at the time I figured who cares. I was saving money.
For a while everything was still okay. I did have to buy a bigger cage but it seemed to be doing a good job of containing them. That was until one day I was feeding Gaara and eating a corn dog at the same time. I might have dropped a few bits of corn dog in the cricket cage. Like Piranha the crickets swarmed over the corn dog bits, devouring them in seconds.
 |
| Genetically advanced cricket hungers for human |
This didn't seem right. So I did something no one would do in this day and age. I called the company and asked them why my crickets are getting close to being able to attack Tokyo. They told me some stuff about the crickets being part of an experimental breed, and that when they eat breaded meat it causes a rapid mutation. They offered no solution except to buy some bug spray. I tried that. The crickets came up to me, took the can out of my hands and sprayed me in the face with it. I even tried extreme cold, but all the crickets did was go skiing down all the furniture and ice skating in the bathroom sink.
For weeks now our battle was raged. Neither side able to gain an advantage. That is until I realized why those mutant crickets were able to hold their own. Not only were they big but there was literally thousands of them. I know I only started with two thousand crickets, but in their mutated form, the crickets breed like nympho rabbits.
The crickets had become too big for Gaara to eat, so whenever I had the chance, I would crush them up and then feed them to Gaara. As the weeks and war went on, I noticed Gaara was starting to grow bigger too. Instead of a normal sized bearded dragon, mine was about four to five feet long. So big in fact he could stand on his hind legs and look out a window. It took me a while to realize that whatever chemicals were present in the crickets that made them grow to ginormous sizes must have been absorbed by Gaara when he ate them.
 |
| Gaara standing 4 Ft tall and looking out the window |
Finally the sides were a little more even. I'm actually able to sleep at night since Gaara can patrol the apartment. The war has slightly shifted to our favor, but the crickets were still growing and getting braver. I can't say how this will end, but I will warn you to be careful when buying crickets online. Always make sure your crickets are from a non-governmental secret test facility, and never ever ever feed them corn dogs.
Wish me luck.
