Happy Halloween

Can't Ketchup

  Here is a quick one for you tonight folks. Sometimes I like to offer up a little advice so you, my loyal readers, don't make the same mistakes I do. Here is tonight's lesson.

  I was going to my girlfriend's house after work and it was really late. After the day I had just had, I didn't feel like cooking anything but I still wanted something that could warm my belly. So, I stopped at McDonald's and got a small fry. Luckily, this wasn't one of those McDonald's that was open all night, but only served like 5 things. You could get whatever you wanted off the menu.

  So, after getting my fries I quickly drove to my girlfriend's house. I was probably doing like 15 mph over the speed limit, but my reason for speeding was valid. Who wants to eat cold french fries? Not, I said this guy.

  In record time, I was at the table about to eat when I realized I hadn't grabbed any ketchup. Fries need ketchup like Taylor Swift needs ex-boyfriends to write songs about. This would be the first time I used her ketchup and honestly, I had no idea where she kept. I scanned the fridge about four times before my eyes caught the glimpse of the word, Heinz. Bingo.

  Heinz 57. You can't do much better than that when it comes to ketchup. Oh, and she is super classy. she didn't have one of those plastic bottles. She had the glass bottle.

  Now armed with ketchup, I went back to my seat and shook out a little bit. Like I said, it wasn't my ketchup so I wasn't just going to shake it all on to my plate.

  I ate everything then was starting to put away the ketchup and my pop when my girlfriend came downstairs and asked what I was up to.

  "Just putting away your ketchup," I said.

  She looked at me kind of weird for about a moment then said, "Um.... that's not my ketchup."

  What did she mean it wasn't... I looked at the label on the bottle. It said, Heinz...ha..oh, wait. There was no 57 after the Heinz. Instead what followed the Heinz was the word Original Cocktail.

  Yep, not ketchup.

  So, what did I learn tonight? One. If you aren't familiar with your girlfriend's refrigerator, ask the guy in the drive thru for ketchup. Two. Cocktail sauce doesn't taste all that bad on french fries.

Pumpkin Art... How Sweet It Is

My girlfriend was given a pumpkin to decorate for work. I knew she would make something awesome, but what she made went way beyond that in my opinion.  Check out her amazing pumpkin

Christmas Needs To Learn Boundaries

  Okay, seriously? Is that really snow? Yep, that is totally snow. What the crap is going on here? I really think someone needs to sit Snow Miser down and explain to him what boundaries are.

  I have come to accept the fact that as soon as we enter into October, you will be able to find one or two Christmas related decorations on the store shelves. But what I don't understand is how when you go back to that same store through out the month, they go from having just a few things to a couple shelves to an entire section. If you were to go to Wal-mart right now, you might be shocked to discover that there are already three entire aisles dedicated to Christmas.

  You know what Christmas is? Christmas is that guy who after only a few days of dating starts leaving a tooth brush at your house. The next time he comes over he forgets a dvd or two. After he stays the weekend, you find a couple t-shirts and a pair of jeans folded up in your closet. Finally, at the end of the month you are walking through your house and you ask yourself, "Was there always a hat hanging there? Did I always have a statue of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in the kitchen? I'm pretty sure there wasn't always a tv in this bathroom."

  Little by little he sneaks his way into your life unless you put a stop to it. This is what I think someone needs to do to the Snow Miser. I'm sure Santa Claus put him up to it, but Snow Miser needs to stand up for himself and not let himself be bullied.

  They need to explain to him that there shouldn't be any snow falling in October. People shouldn't even be thinking of snow yet. They should be thinking of going to pumpkin patches and apple orchards. Maybe he doesn't understand that by sending snow so early that he ruined the weekend plans of so many families. He needs to understand that snow falling and these super cold temperatures is not acceptable and should only start occurring towards the end of November. Any time after Thanksgiving would be an appropriate starting point.

  I wish I knew how to get a hold of Mother Nature, because I will bet you she has no idea he is trying to sneak his cold in so early. And I will bet even more money that she has already gotten on his case about doing this very thing sometime in the past.

  For now, I am going to go to bed, because this is just to much to deal with at the moment. When I wake up I expect someone to have set this situation straight. Heaven help me, if I have to scrape the windows of my truck in the morning....someone is getting a serious talking to. Do you hear me Snow Miser!!!

Things Not To Bring Up At Dinner With Jason

Down Economy Takes Toll On Summer Camps

  Every day we hear about how people and businesses are still struggling through this difficult economy.

  We see news reports about fathers and mothers begging on the streets for money so they can provide their children with just a few scraps of food before they put them to bed at night.

  Newspapers and magazines show us pictures of factories that have been around for generations having to shut their doors for good.

  These images evoke not only our deepest sympathies, but also serve to remind us of how lucky we are.

  What these images and reports don't show is the whole story. Where are the pictures of the hockey masks and machetes just sitting on the store shelves collecting dust. How about the videos showing escaped mental patients speeding away in cars? Where are those at?

  No where. That's where they are. People seem to forget that a down economy affects everyone. Even those who may not always be in the public eye.

Jason before the economy dropped

  I'm talking about those all to often over-looked summer camp killers. At one time landing a job as a summer camp killer paid as well as getting a job at some Fortune 500 companies... of course, that was close to 20 years ago. Now a summer camp killer is lucky to get minimum wage.

  "It used to be that every summer camp in the United States and Canada had their very own summer camp killer," Jason Voorhees said, possibly the most famous summer camp killer in history. "Now, there are maybe 23 of left."

  When the bottom fell out of the economy many summer camps were forced to cut their staff. The first to go were the life guards then nurses, camp counselors and finally the summer camp killers.

  Some summer camps tried to hold onto their killers by trying to work out deals such as having the summer camp killer pay for his/her own tools. But machetes, drills, bow and arrows, etc. are just way to expensive to keep buying over and over again.

  "I know when things got real bad some summer camp killers pooled their money to hire one summer camp killer who would spend just a week or two at each other camps," Jason explained. "Kind of like a time share summer camp killer."

  While this method proved effective for a little bit, eventually these time share summer camp killers couldn't afford the high gas prices of driving from camp to camp.

  Many summer camp killers were forced to seek other occupations such as McDonald's managers, sport store associates and politicians.

  "Yeah, I'm still working as a summer camp killer but its definitely not like it was in the old days," Jason said starring wistfully out the at the lake he had drowned in all those years ago. "Now, I mostly just scare people which I feel isn't fair to them. They deserve better."

  With the economy slowly starting to turn around maybe its not to crazy to hope that some day in the near future we will once again see summer camp killers trudging through the forests wildly swinging a machete or hiding under camp counselors beds.

  What a glorious day that will be.

Celebration of Pumpkins

Hey, You Can''t Run Here. There's A Race Going On

  As a nerd with a healthy appreciation for all things random, I live my life walking that thin line between what is logical and the illogical.

  Most people tend to look at you with more than just a little skepticism when you tell them that the illogical is just as likely to be true as the logical.

  I mean just because something doesn't make sense at first doesn't mean it isn't logical. It could simply mean we haven't found the right way to look at it or current knowledge isn't capable of explaining what we are seeing.

  So, when someone tells me about something that couldn't possibly make sense, I just smile. Who's to say what can and can't be discovered simply through the act of keeping an open mind.

  I have long held the belief that as long as one keeps an open mind there is nothing that can't eventually be explained...That is until today.

  My girlfriend and her family are very into running. At least, the majority of them are.

  In just a few weeks, her mom, dad and she are going to the Wisconsin Dells to take part in one of those themed fun runs I had just written about in a past post.

  This one has a cowboy and cowgirl theme. Which means for a sizable registration fee you get a cowboy hat, a handkerchief and the chance to run a 5k at 8 a.m. on a Saturday morning.

  I try to support my girlfriend in everything she does. Even things that start at 8 a.m. on a Saturday morning.

  She told me about a few spots along the race route where I could watch and cheer her on. I told her I would do her one better. Forget being a glorified cheerleader standing on the sidelines. I would run along with her.

  Now, rather than spend the next 20 paragraphs typing 'she said' and 'I said', I think I'm just going to switch to a scripted dialogue format for a bit. Trust me, it will just make things so much easier.

   GF:   You can't run. Registration is closed
   ME:  Well, I don't need the hat and all that stuff. I'll just run along side of you and keep you company.
   GF:   You can't do that.
   ME:   I can't just run along side you?
   GF:   Nope. It's illegal.
   ME:   Illegal?
   GF:   Yep.
   ME:   How is it illegal?
   GF:    Because you aren't registered. So, it would be a security risk.
   ME:   But its just running. They can't stop me from running.
   GF:    That's what sister thought. She was going to just run along with my mom at a race. Then just
               as the race started the police stepped in and stopped my sister. They told her she had to leave.
   ME:   That doesn't make sense. All she was doing was running. Running can't be illegal.
   GF:   It is when it is a privately sponsored event. You can run on the sidewalk though.
   ME: What the Frak!

These police officers are taunting those who can't run

  At this point, the subject changed to something about beef tips I think. I don't fully remember. mostly because I was still trying to figure out how running can be illegal. Whether it is a privately sponsored event or not shouldn't matter.

  The city may technically own the streets, but its our tax dollars that helped build and repair them. So, if I want to run in the street, I'm going to run in the street. Let's see them try and stop me.

  As far as they know, I am just your average city dweller out enjoying the day by going for a short run.

  This is supposed to be America. Land of the free and home to people who want to run. But apparently not if there is a race already going on. Then you need to just find a spot along the sidelines and cheer, because God help you if you take one step that resembles anything close to that of a runner's stride.

  A police office with maybe a little too much to prove will yell out, "Hey you. You can't run here. There's a race going on." And should you choose to ignore him, he might just shoot you in the leg and claim you were trying to flee.

  When it comes to supporting my girlfriend, I think I will gladly fulfill my role as her sideline cheerleader. It may not be as impressive as running a 5k, but then again, no one is going to shoot me for running either. I'll call that a win for logic.

Spock Keeping It Real

The Fun Run Concept

  Has anyone else noticed that quirky themed 'fun runs' have become about as synonymous with the fall season as Miley Cyrus has become with power tools.

Tis The Season Fun Run 2008

  Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the fun run concept. In fact, I'm quite in
favor of it.

  I can say for a fact that if you tell me I have to spend $25 to $50 to wake up at 6 a.m. just to put on a pair of spandex shorts and a t-shirt so I can go out in to the cold and run a 5k, I  will most likely throw the nearest thing at your head. FYI - you will only find a radio, a tv remote and a smartphone on my night stand. I'm just saying.

  However, if you throw some costume at me and tell me every one else is dressing up in costume for some specially themed 5k then you have a much better chance of getting me out of bed. Especially, if I get a cool event t-shirt or hat at the end, just for participating.

  Another factor that makes fun runs so much better than other running events is the fun names. I would much rather participate in the Ugly Sweater Fun Run than the Gatorade 5k. The ladder even sounds boring. In researching this post, and by that i mean just Googling the phrase 'fun run', I came across dozens of listings for upcoming runs just in Wisconsin alone.

  Here's a sample of some of the names I found. Paws Fur A Cause. The Bunny Hop 5k. Shamrock Shuffle. Abominable Frostbite.  Schoolhouse Rock and Run. Mudchug Wisconsin 5k. The Cupcake Run. Wisconsin Zombie Mud Run 5k. Run Turkey Run. The Santa Hustle. The Jingle Bell Run.

  Honestly, I would run in anyone of those. In fact, I even marked a few that I will mostly likely try to talk some people into doing with me. Can I just say, the Cupcake Run is probably my favorite. Mostly, because I am picturing a person running backwards in front of me holding a fishing rod with a cupcake dangling from the end of it.

  The only negative thing I can say about the fun runs is that themes seem to get repeated quite a bit. I found at least five fun runs with a Santa theme just in Wisconsin alone. There were three turkey themed fun runs and seriously, the amount of zombie fun runs is literally untrackable.

  With so many themes starting to repeat themselves. I thought I would offer up a few suggestions of my own.

   1.  The Bun Run  -  I figure by now people have to be tired of dressing up in spandex shorts or ugly sweaters and in a few cases, Speedos. So, I figure, why not wear something that just screams summer fun...buns. That's right buns. Dress up as your favorite food. Anything is acceptable as long it comes in a bun. Some people might dress up as a hamburger or a chicken sandwich. There might even be a few sub sandwiches. I, however, will be going with the classic Chicago style hot dog.

   2.  The Godzilla Dash  -  I think just the name alone gives you a major hint as to what this run is about. Ever since I was 10, I have been in love with the Godzilla movies. Seriously, what's not to love. Giant monsters doing battle and destroying major cities and countries in the process. And best of all, there is always that one scene where Godzilla or which ever monster first enters the city then they quickly cut to people in the street just losing their shit. I have always wanted to be that one guy out of the mob who stops right in front of the camera, puts his hands on his cheeks and screams.

   3.  The Constipation Run  -  It may not be a pretty picture, and I'm not really sure one needs to be painted for you. I find at the mere mention of the word, constipation, peoples minds already begin creating all sorts of images. All of which, I'm sure, are way worse than anything I could come up with. The concept of this run is so unique, I challenge anyone to find anything similar already out there. For this run, you can wear anything you like. Shorts, jeans, sweat pants, a snuggie...its all gold. There are only two requirements. First, you must wear a pair of boxers around your ankles. This will help to create that  And the other is you need to carry a roll of toilet paper as you run. The special thing about this race is that there is another element. At the end of the 5k is a giant blue porta-potty. The first person to make it to the porta-potty gets a $50 gift card to Taco Bell.

  There you go. Three great ideas on how to put the fun back in fun run. Will anyone ever use them? Who can say. I realize some of the ideas may be a little powerful and new, but imagine the fun people would have. To attract new people to running, you have to not only show them that it can be fun, but that it is daring and a alive. If we refuse to do this, who else do we have to blame but ourselves, when people decide to start walking.

12 Things To Do While On Furlough

  I have a friend who was recently placed on furlough. He was a little mad at first given that he has three kids and wants to keep food in their mouths, but he eventually saw a silver lining. There was a lot of things he needed to fix or do around his house and was going to use this as a time to catch up on it all.

  Two days later, and he called me asking me if I wanted to do something. When I asked what happened to all the chores he had, he told me they were all done. Now, he was just sitting around bored and not sure how to keep busy.

  I thought about this and felt a little sad for my friend. So, I sat down one night and came up with some things that anyone on furlough can do to help keep them busy and feeling productive.

  1.  Find four teenage mutant hamsters and start a dupstep group.

  2.  Call every government office you can and when asked to leave a message, inquire as to 'What does the fox say?'. Perhaps give them an example of how you think a fox may sound.

  3.  Develop an internet search engine and call it, "Bitch, Please!"

  4.  Do you hate your boss or someone else in your office? Now is the perfect time to find a fellow hater and learn to speak a foreign language. That way you can openly mock and no one will now what you are saying.

  5.  Learn magic, then go up to strangers and pull rabbits out from behind their ears.

  6.  Go to the adult room in the video store and take out all the porn dvds, and replace them all with copies of the classic Disney movie, Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

  7.  Begin writing crossover fan fiction that combines Breaking Bad with The Facts of Life. Ms. Garrett finds out the girls have been selling blue meth.

  8.  Drive around and find Amish riding in a horse and buggy, and challenge them to a drag race.

  9.  Put on a red wig, pancake make up and big red shoes. Next walk into any McDonald's and demand to speak to Ronald McDonald. Make a fuss when they say he's not there. Do this until they get ready to kick you out then yell, "I won't leave until my dead beat father comes out here and talks to me." You'll either get kicked out or get free food for life in hopes of silencing you.

10.  Get to work on a bill that will require all male politicians to wear BeDazzled speedos at all times while in office.

11.  Watch every episode ever made of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and the explain to me why I should care what they are up to.

12.  Take up ninja bear wrestling. It has a year long season and who doesn't like watching a bear leap into the air and spin kick a man across the face. Bruce Grizzly vs Ted.

Breaking Bad Woes

The Loop Hole

  So, here's a fun conversation to have with your boss as soon as you get to work.

  Worker:  Where am I working today?
  Plant Manager (PM): You're late.
  Worker:  What? I'm not late. I punched in at 2:55 pm. I don't start till 3 pm. By my estimation, I'm really 5 minutes early.
  PM:  The handbook says, "Be at your machine and ready to work by 3 pm". You didn't get here till 3:03 pm. That's why I'm marking you as late.
  Me:  What's this handbook you keep speaking of? I don't think I've ever seen... a 'handbook', was it?
  PM:  You got a copy of it when you started working here. I suggest you go home and read it. You lose half a point for being late today. You may want to review how the punch in system works.
  Me: You may want to go back to your office and remove that giant stick from your butt.

A re-enactment of the "discussion" my boss had with me.

  Okay, I might not have said that last part... Out loud anyways. But rest assured loyal readers, I was definitely thinking it.

  In case you weren't able to read between the lines and put two and two together, the person who got in trouble was yours truly.

  I know, shocking right. Although, I still don't consider myself as being late. I was punched in before 3 pm. So, in my sane and unbiased opinion, I was on time.

  For most people, this would simply be a case of 'you say tomato / I say tomato'. I, on the other hand, was not going to just shrug it off, turn the other cheek or just bend over.

  By the plant manager making such an erroneous claim, a gauntlet had been thrown down. Whether he meant to throw it or not. There it laid at my feet, reflecting the fluorescent light from the ceiling up into my eyes.

  I felt like I was falling victim to the Ghost Rider's Penance stare. But instead of forcing me to relive all my greatest sins, the light was instead revealing all the evils my plant manager had perpetrated over the years in the name of profit.

  This was no longer about merely bring accused of being late. This was about Justice, and avenging all the poor souls that had been wronged by this fiend.

  I bent over and picked up that gauntlet. And even after I took it in my hand it continued to glow. However, now it glowed with the light of justice. Tapping power even i didn't know I had, I swung that gauntlet with the force of a 1,000 sharknados. As soon as the gauntlet connected, the plant manger flew backwards and crashed through a giant office window. I wasn't sure if he was okay or no, but from under all that shattered glass I could hear the words, 'forgive me' being muttered through the sobbing.

  Again, sadly, none of that actually happened. That was all from a blissful dream that would come later that night.

  In reality, we simply starred each other down for a few tense and uncomfortable moments then walked away.

  I'm not sure what he was thinking about as he plopped into his big, comfy leather office chair, but my thoughts were very clear. I needed to find a copy of this 'alleged' handbook as soon as possible.

  In case you were wondering 'as soon as possible' ended being a very long three hours.

  I would like to say I snuck into an empty office and hacked their computer system to find the handbook, but all I really ended up doing was walking up to my supervisor and asking him if we really do have a handbook. We did.

  Take note my friends, when you prepare to challenge authority, you want to keep your investigations as secret as possible. So, this time I really did find an empty office. Once inside I turned off the lights, pulled a blanket over my head and turned on my trusty Scooby Doo themed flashlight.

  I love reading most things, but you put a manual in front of me or a handbook and my brain shuts down about 90% of it's functions. So, getting through this entire handbook was no easy task. I think I might have fallen asleep like five times. One time I'm pretty sure I snored. Basically, this is how the handbook was set up.

  The first 10 pages were pretty standard stuff. They mostly outlined the consequences for skipping work, dress codes and the importance of the non-disclosure agreement we signed. (FYI - I also don't recall seeing or signing this either.)

  The next 3 pages laid out what to do in case we have an accident that creates a giant mutant monster. There was also a page or two dedicated to dealing with ghosts of long dead employees and how to identify a Hellmouth.

  Finally, it was in the last three pages that I found my Holy Grail. Under the heading, 'The Dos and Don'ts of the Time Clock' was this line:

     'All employees must be at their designated work station by their scheduled work time.'

  Needless to say, I was a little bummed about the plant manager being right about needing to be at my machine by 3 pm.

  Ugh! I could almost hear his annoying voice now. Just repeating over and over, "Be at your machine by 3pm." Just the thought of it made me contemplate sticking my head inside one of the furnaces.

  I re-read the policy again just to make sure I didn't miss anything. This time when I read it, I also had the plant manger in my head taunting me.

  Suddenly, it occurred to me that what I was reading and what the plant manager was repeating in my head didn't match up.

  Yes, the part about being on my machine by 3 pm was correct, but I didn't see anything about having to be ready to work.

  In fact, its pretty vague as far as policies go. Sure, be at the machine by 3 pm, but what am I supposed to do once I'm there. Should I work? Should I preform puppet shows? Should I twerk on the machine? There are literally thousands upon millions of things I could do. Working apparently does not have to be one of them.

  Armed with this new knowledge, I made my way to the plant manager's office. Stopping only long enough to buy a Rice Krispie Treat.

  I stood outside his window for second and saw that he was on the phone. That didn't matter to me. I swung open his office door and tossed the handbook on to his desk. He quickly said, 'goodbye' to the person on the other end then hung up his phone.

  This is the conversation that followed:

  Me:  So, look what I found.
  PM:  Okay.
  Me:  You were right. It does say I need to be at my machine by 3 pm.
  PM:  Did you think I was making that up or something?
  Me:  Doesn't really matter, because according to this book I just need to be at my machine by 3. It doesn't say I have to be ready to work. At least, that's what your precious handbook says. And since I did walk through my machine's area before 3 pm. I wasn't late.
  PM:  (Opens the handbook and reads) Okay, it might not say it, but it is fully implied.
  Me:  Nope, the handbook says on the first page that, 'these policies are to be followed as stated in the handbook and are not subject to interpretation.' Which means you may have to reprint your handbook, but for right now I would expect you to be a man of honor and undo the mark you put on my record.

  And with that. I turned and walked out of his office. Did he actually take the mark off my record? I honestly have no idea. All I know is that on that day, I scored a victory for the every day man. The man who puts his pants on one leg at a time and now and then enjoys a few onion rings from Burger King, because they have the awesome Zesty dipping sauce.