Love. Now That's The Spirit

  I have never been one to have alot of rules when it comes to dating or love. It's hard out there, and if you can find someone who makes you happy then I say go for it. Unless of course, that love involves an animal or someone under the age of 18. That will get you into a little trouble, but anything else is fair game.

  People try to put so many restrictions on who they date. They want the person to make a certain amount of money or to be good looking or to believe in certain things or to be living. Sure, everyone has something the look for in a companion, but if you are willing to be a little flexible you maybe able to find that Mr. or Miss Right.

  For instance, Kesha recently announced the song, Supernatural, off her new cd is all about how compromising on one of her dating standards led to an amazing few days. She decided, it wasn't all that important if the guy she liked was alive or dead. As long as he had a good soul. Which if he hasn't moved on yet, might mean it isn't the best, but who am I to judge.

  I know their relationship didn't last long, but Kesha has had nothing but flattering things to say about her phantom paramour. She didn't go into any details about how they met. All she would say is that 'having sexy time' was amazing and that very few living guys ever made her feel the same. And yes, 'having sexy time' means what you think it means. Although, luckily she was vague on the details of that as well.

  The important thing to take away from this is that not being so picky in what you are looking for in a companion can lead to something wonderful and amazing. You could also say we learned that while you are alive you may not have a snowballs chance in hell of hooking up with Kesha, but once you are dead and a ghost, it's a whole new ball game.



 


 

 



 

A Lifetime Of Knowledge

  It's that time of year again when I get a year older and a year closer to shaking hands with the old Grim Reaper. Yeah, I see him back there rubbing his hands together. He's not the most patient of fellows, but that's fine. I still have a few things I need to do before we meet.

  One of which is to pass on all the wisdom I have acquired during my life. Sure, my advice may not be on the same level as Socrates, Shakespeare or Einstein, but I still feel it is worthwhile. My advice may never save your life, but odds are it won't kill you either...theoretically anyway.

  Oh, just so you know, I'm not sharing all of my advice and wisdom in just this one post. I'm starting with just the top ten things. I only mention this, because I know someone is going to be like, "He only listed ten things. How wise can he truly be." Rest assured that I have crap loads of wisdom to share with you. I just don't want to blow your minds. I'm polite like that. Consider that a bonus piece of wisdom from me. You're welcome. Here are the other ten.

1.  Don't stick you fingers or tongue in electrical sockets. That seriously hurts and you end up looking like Don King.

2.  Don't answer any questions your girlfriend brings to you about her looks or how she is dressed. It's a trick question and can not be answered with leading to a fight.

3.  Ladies, do not pull your boyfriends finger. No matter what he promises, nothing that smells like roses will come out. More likely you will hear something akin to a wet sick fog horn.

4.  Spandex is not for everyone. Seriously.

5.  Pizza is the perfect balance of all four food groups.

6.  Streaking while wearing a Batman mask will get you a talking to by the police. The funny thing is that while they are doing it, they never make eye contact with you.

7.  People who say they are hiking because it is good exercise are lying. They do it in hopes of seeing Bigfoot and are to embarrassed to admit it.

8.  There is a 70% chance that every time you go to a fast food place, they will screw up your order somehow.

9.  Even the most well spoken guy can speak 'street' in a threatening manner when he hears a noise and he is home alone at night. Example: "Hey! Who's out there? I got a big ass dog in here!" Makes barking noises. "You fo' su' don't want any of this, so you better get ta steppin!!!"

10. If there ever is a zombie apocalypse, make sure you are always in front of your friends when running away from a zombie horde. This way no one can trip you.

  Well, there you have it. Ten bits of wisdom that will change your life. Probably. Maybe...Anyway, until next time, peace out girl scout.

Welcome To Illinois: Home of Tolls and Road Construction

  A normal week for me is always crazy insane. Working two jobs is hard enough when everything is going smoothly, but throw in a few random stress factors and things go from ick to worse. That is why, by Friday I was ready to get out of town for a few days.

  My birthday is coming up soon, and I had made plans to go visit my family in Illinois. It has kind of become tradition with us over the last few years. I spend two days trying to relax while my niece pulls out every toy she has for us to play with. She also likes to pick out my birthday cake. However, given that she is only 4 years old, my cakes tend to always have pictures of Dora the Explorer or Yo Gabba Gabba on them. Which is fine. All I really care about is the trying to relax part, and for me that starts with the drive.

  I love driving. It gives my mind a chance to wander and create things. Normally by the end of my two and a half hour journey, I will have listened to a bunch of new songs or podcasts and came up with a few new blog post ideas. My drive out of Wisconsin went fine. It wasn't until I crossed the border into Illinois that I began to question if God might be up there going, "Okay, now let's see what he does when this happens."

  Literally the moment I crossed into Illinois, I was greeted by what seemed like a never ending field of construction cones. At the time I was like, oh well, whatever, I figured it would eventually clear up...but, it never did. I have never seen road construction go on for so long. It was like the state of Illinois has lost a game of 'Horse', and now it was picking up it's roads and going away.

  Oh wait, my apologies, there was a half hour stretch when there was no road construction. Of course, that was only because for that half hour I was blindly navigating some stupid occasionally labeled detour. Yeah, a detour is exactly what I wanted when I was already running low on fuel.

  The detour was worth it, because it took me through a lot of scenic places that I had never seen before...is what I would like to say, but I would be 100% lying. The only scenery I encountered were corn fields. Corn fields to my left. Corn fields to my right. And sometimes, it even felt like the road behind me had been swallowed up and taken over by corn fields. At this point, I was thinking things really couldn't get much worse unless my truck exploded. And as soon as I left the detour, things got worse.

  Ask yourself this. What is worse than having to go through a detour with your gas tank close to empty and no gas stations around? The answer, the detour you finally found your way out of ends right in front of a rail road track with the gates down, lights flashing and a moving train. A very, very slow moving train. How slow was it? I'm fairly certain I could have finished reading Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace by the time it passed.

  Once I cleared the rail road tracks, it was right back to the road construction. Although, apart from the occasional drunk driver flashing his brights at me for doing the speed limit, there were no more major icks. I had left my house in Madison, Wisconsin at about 12:30 am, and arrived at my destination in Illinois at a little past 4:00 am.

  The moment I pulled into my mom's driveway, I took a deep breath and then slowly let it out. Because the only thought that was going through my head was, I get to do this all again on Monday. Woohoo.

 

 

 

 

 

The Last Lines - Friday the 13th Edition

  As Fall gets closer and closer, I feel myself slipping into Halloween mode. When I walk through the grocery stores I feel my eyes drifting towards the aisles and aisles of Halloween candy. Now, instead of wanting a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, I want a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup shaped like a pumpkin. My appetite isn't the only thing undergoing changes. Suddenly, my apartment doesn't look right unless I have Halloween Garland and little goofy figurines of monsters everywhere.

  I'll just say it. Halloween is my favorite holiday of the year. So, when I heard some friends discussing how cheesy the last line in some horror film was, it got me to thinking about the last lines in other movies. I checked a few movies out and what I found is some movies have awesome heart pumping last lines and others make you go, "Really? You really just said that?".

  I've decided that during this wonderful season of leaves changing colors and cool nights, now and then I will bring you the last lines to some famous and a few not so famous horror films. And I figured there could be no better films to start with than those that make up the Friday the 13th franchise.

  The first Friday the 13th movie (Yep, there's more than one.) was released in 1980. The series centers on Jason Voorhees, who drowned as a boy at Camp Crystal Lake due to the negligence of the camp staff.  Decades later, the lake is rumored to be "cursed" and becomes the setting for a series of mass murders. A neat little fact, Jason didn't show up until the second movie. His mom did all the killing in the first one. Oh... um... spoilers.

  The thing I like about the Friday the 13th movies is that the franchise is a perfect example of how last lines can run the gamete between super cheesy and to butt kicking awesome. You can decide which are which.

THE LAST LINES TO THE FRIDAY THE 13th MOVIES.


Friday the 13th

Cop: Ma'am we didn't find any boy.
Alice: But he...then he's still there.

 

Friday the 13th Part 2

Ginny: Paul? Paul...Where's Paul?

 

Friday the 13th Part 3

 

Cop: She must have flipped out. The poor kid's been through hell. All of her friends...I'll take her
Chris: (Hysterical Sobbing) Aah! Ha ha ha ha!

Friday the 13th Part 4 The Final Chapter

Trish: (Seeing her brother as he enters the hospital room) Tommy.

Friday the 13th Part 5 A New Beginning

Pam: Oh my God.

Friday the 13th Part 6

Tommy: It’s over. It’s finally over. Jason’s home.

Friday the 13th Part 7 The New Blood

Nick: Jason? Where's Jason?
Tina: We took care of him.

Friday the 13th Part 8 Jason Takes Manhattan

Sean: I heard there's a statue here that's 22 stories tall.
Dog approaches
Rennie: Toby.

Friday the 13th Part 9 Jason Goes To Hell

Jessica: Go...To...Hell!
Steven: Oh no. (as Jason tried to pull him down.)

Friday the 13th Jason X

Jason plummets from space looking like a shooting star and crashes in a lake on an earth like planet
Girl: Look at that.
Boy: A shooting star. Make a wish.
Girl: It landed in the lake.
Boy: Let's go check it out

Freddy vs Jason

Lori: Welcome to my world, bitch!

Friday the 13th (reboot)

Whitney: Jason...Say hi to mommy...in hell.




 

 

How To Survive In The Wild: Food

The Boy Scout motto is, "Be prepared". Good advice, if you don't mind doing all the work being prepared requires. I kind of glossed over that part when I was a scout. Not because I didn't think it was important, I just kind of figured I could borrow what I need or get help from someone else. Those prepared guys really were prepared for everything. I pretty much brought only the necessities, which was normally candy bars and chips. Hey, a kid had to eat.

  That was then though, and recently I have started to pay a little more attention to being prepared. See, this summer I really have developed a slight obsession with hiking. You would think as an adult I would pay more attention to safety and being prepared, but nope. The first time I went hiking it took me five hours to finish the trail and all I brought was a small bottle of Gatorade.

  Now that I have been to around 11 different parks and have seen how easy it is to get lost, being prepared is starting to enter my thoughts more and more. My main problem when it comes to being prepared for anything is, I like to travel light. Hence, carrying just a bottle of Gatorade. I know I should bring a few granola bars or PowerBars or pretzels or something that I can live off for a few days if I were to ever get lost. But like I said, I like to travel light.

  Not wanting to carry my own food left me with really only two options. One. I can bring someone with me and when we get lost I could eat them. Like in that movie, Alive. By the way, did anyone else notice that in the movie, the first thing they ate was the dead peoples butts. Gross. Two. I could study up and eat from Mother Nature's buffet. I hear she has an awesome salad bar.

  It took almost an entire weekend, but after checking out 13 books from the library and reading about half of them, I felt I could survive for months if fate should ever lead me astray. I was loaded with survival knowledge, but I am the type of person who forgets things pretty quickly if I don't practice what I learned.

  I didn't want to forget what I learned, so I asked some friends to blind fold me and drop me off deep in the middle of a forest. Granted the kidnapping me out of my bed and beating with socks full of soap wasn't something I requested they do, but I was told it added to the experience. My friends have a lot more experience with the outdoors than I do, so I went with it.


The Wild Corn Dog

  Being so deep in the forest without any way of contacting someone really had me nervous. Especially since I was having trouble finding any of the roots, bark, plants or bugs the guides told me would be edible. No worries. I figured I would just broaden my search. And after an hour or so of searching, near a lake I hit the jackpot.

  Remember when I said Mother Nature had one heck of a salad bar? Well, apparently that salad bar comes with a few meat items as well. Did you know corn dogs could be found in the wild? I didn't either and still wouldn't if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. The entire lake was surrounded by them. They grew on long stalks and gently blew back and forth in the breeze. Oh man, I could have eaten them all, but I didn't have any mustard. You can't eat a corn dog without mustard. It's just not right. So, instead of eating them, I just gathered a couple to bring home with me. I have them sitting on my counter in my kitchen. I was going to to put them in the refrigerator, but they weren't in one in the wild, and I wanted to eat them as I would there.

  I am slightly relieved to know that if I were to ever lose my way in some big forest or park that not only can I have to rely on plants and bugs to survive, but also wild corn dogs. During future hiking trips I will definitely keep an eye out for them. Who knows, I might even get lucky and find wild hamburgers or wild soft pretzels. Keeping my fingers crossed.