A Nation of One

  Well, that’s it then. On Sunday, the 2012 Olympic Games came to a close amidst honored athletes, cheering fans and the at long last reunited Spice Girls.

  My original intent was to do a really in depth review/ analysis of the closing ceremonies. It was really going to be impressive and one hell of a read. Sadly, I missed the closing ceremonies. I also missed the opening ceremonies and pretty much everything in the middle. Yep, that’s right. I missed the entire thing. Epic fail on my part.

  So, with no Olympic events or ceremonies to review, I wasn’t really sure what to do. I mean, it is hard to write a blog post reviewing something you never saw. Sure movie critics do it all the time, but I wanted to be better than that. My only option seemed to be just write down the idea and revisit it in another four years.

  I opened the document in my computer where I write all my post ideas, and started typing away. And with every key stroke I felt my mind begin to wander. I wondered how much money it cost to train an Olympic athlete and did they pay it all out of their own pockets or does some secret division of the military interested in creating super soldiers help out. Curious, I entered into research mode.

  It seemed like I was spending hours online pouring through files and documents, but really, thanks to Google, it was actually only five minutes. What I found from my exhaustive search is that it costs roughly $50,000 a year to train one Olympic athlete. Of that amount, the government sometimes helps out with about $15,000 to $25,000. That means to get to the Olympics you not only need some pretty intense skills, but also about $200,000.

  According to the official London Olympics 2012 website, the official source of everything Olympic related in London, the United States sent 539 athletes. Do the math and it means $107,800,000 was spent in training these superior athletes. I figured that wasn’t too bad until I read  we won a 104 metals total. Which means 435 of our athletes didn’t even place. That didn’t seem right. There has to be a way to ensure that in 2016 we take home all the metals.

Artists conception of an Olympic Hulk

  I thought about taking the athletes who consistently win in their own sport and cross training them to win in other sports. For instance, sure Michael Phelps can swim but can he flip on a trampoline or jump over a hurdle. It also occurred to me that these athletes would never get to sleep. They would have to train 24 hours a day. That seemed a bit unrealistic, and since I didn’t have any better ideas, I tabled the whole thing and went to see The Avengers again.

  A little over two hours later and I had my Olympic solution. We don’t need to send 539 people to compete. We just need one person with a lot of skill. I am, of course, referring to the Incredible Hulk. Think about it. In The Avengers movie, he was jumping over buildings, throwing things miles away and running faster than any human. He is the perfect can-do-everything athlete. I know. I know. People are going to say he isn’t real, but if you do your research a Hulk isn’t really all that hard to make.  All you need is a super smart scientist and a little Gamma Radiation accident and presto chango, you have yourself the ultimate Olympic athlete for a fraction of the cost.  

  I know it might seem a little outlandish, but keep it in mind. I guess the only question we have to ask ourselves is, are we fine winning a 104 metals or do we want to ‘spank’ every other country and come home with all the metals. I already know my answer. What’s yours?

'Pop', Number One Reason Relationships End

  Recently, I have discovered how delicate relationships can be.  A number of my friends who I thought were in happy relationships have either hit rocky spots or sadly ended their time together.

  I suppose looking back I could see why a few of them ended. Telling your girlfriend, after seeing Magic Mike, you need to break up so you can pursue your life long dream of becoming a male exotic dancer or your boyfriend  you are done after falling into the toilet during the night for the sixth time because he keeps leaving the seat up, are pretty obvious signs.

  Some signs, however, are not so obvious. Do you want to guess what the number one reason for break ups is? (Pausing so you can make a few guesses. Go ahead. I’ll wait.) Well, a lot of you guessed the number one reason is issues stemming from not having enough money. Wrong! That was the cause the last few years, but the past is the past people. This new reason may be shocking to some and other maybe like, “Oh, hell yeah. That is so true”. According to several current polls and surveys, the new number one in destroying relationships is whether soft drinks are to be known as ‘soda’ or ‘pop’.

  I know it doesn’t sound like something that could cause a break up, but picture this. You and your new girlfriend have been out a few times to some of the best five star restaurants in town and things are going great. Which is a total relief, because your last girlfriend used to scream the words to random Frank Sinatra songs at restaurants then bang her head on the table five times then in an English accent say, “pickles” softly as she stood up to leave.  After leaving a late night showing of The Amazing Spiderman, you decide to stop at McDonald’s and get something to eat. You both walk up to the counter, arms around each other, leaning against each other, laughing and kissing every three seconds. Yep, you are the couple everyone looks at and thinks, gross…get a room, but who cares, right. You are in love and nothing is ever going to change that. At the counter you place your order, and the cashier asks what you want to drink with that. You say a Pepsi, and then you ask her what kind of pop she wants. Her eyes grow as wide as saucers and glaze over with disbelief as if you just went up and pimp slapped her mom. She stares at you for a minute then softly tells you the soda she wants is Dr. Pepper. And it’s on! The sickening cute and cuddly couple is gone. All that remains is one person screaming “POP!” and swinging a chair while the other person screams “SODA!” and breaks the end of a beer bottle on the counter.

  According to the Cruise-Holmes Survey, over 50 relationships come to a possible pre-mature end every month as a result of soda vs. pop. The survey also points out that 8 deaths a year can be attributed to the aforementioned same reason.

  What’s odd is that way back around 1809, soda and pop had a special relationship of their own. They were such a hot couple that just as we have Bradgelina or Bennifer, back then they were known as soda pop. You couldn’t read a newspaper or  listen to the radio without some mention of soda pop. Unfortunately, like all famous couples they soon couldn’t stand the sight of one another. Some attribute the break up to the pressures of stardom . Others say soda was messing around with water on the side and pop found out about it. And a small minority thinks it’s because pop “dutch-ovened” soda. Whatever the reason, the two have not been mentioned in the same sentence since.

  I have heard people ask if it is possible for their relationships to survive such a trial. Truthfully, I just don’t know. I hope so, because this beast has reared its head recently in my relationship. Am I afraid? Of course, but I think with lots of empathy, compassion and love, this problem can be overcome. And if that doesn’t work, I suggest dealing with each other Highlander The Movie style.

  The only real solution I think is to somehow get soda and pop back together again. Only once they are re-united can the rest of the world begin to heal. Amen.

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